Beckon of Light
#12 of Short Stories
Jaiden has problems with his past which includes past relationships and dead parents so his boyfrined, Robin, tries to enlighten Jaiden's dark path by combining his own light with his lover's light. I hope you enjoy it!
"It'll get better, Jaden, I promise it will" whispered my love, Robin, rather hopefully in my lowered, left ear and gave me a soft kiss on my chin, hugged me tightly from behind with his tuned body. We were lying on the bed separately where I was lying in half fetal position but somehow he felt that I was having thoughts about my heavy experiences and wanted to lighten it up by getting close to me.
I had heard these words so many times, these words of promises with better future and I had begun to wonder if I ever will be okay again, to recover from my heavy burdens. I whimpered when I couldn't suppress more of my emerging feelings anymore and shed a tear which quickly got drained by my fur. "It'll be alright, hun. I'll make your future brighter" he laid his arm over my body and gave a squeeze which I barely felt because I was wandering in my thoughts, lost in my depressive past.
"I really doubt it, Robin" was the first thought that came to my troubled mind even though I wanted to think "I really hope so, hun" but I didn't. Don't get me wrong; I had a fantastic relationship with my current partner but it just that I had lost many relationships before it. Why I had so many broken and ended love lives was no mystery... I had moved from place to place, never really made a real friend with anyone because it didn't make any sense to me. Whenever I made friends I lost them. I had to say goodbye, sometimes unexpectedly and every time I did that I lost more and more hope for a somewhat good friendship. In the end I began to close myself in, isolating myself from the outside world. Apparently my parents did notice my ill state but didn't have the willpower to make any life changing actions... just mentioned fruitless promises for better future.
"If there's anything I could do to make you feel better, hun, I will do it..." Robin was still whispering into my lowered ear, hoping for his word to take an effect on me... but I didn't feel any difference "All you have to do is to say what you need me to do"
As I was mentioning; I had lost hope in making friendships and to defend myself against any further harm I isolated myself. I began to develop a lacking ability to socialize with other anthros, prevented me to turn my life to something better before it was too late. Weeks, months and years went by and it felt like an eternity because of the loneliness and solitude I had imprisoned myself into. Then I briefly tasted the most wonderful taste I ever experienced in my life and that was my first love towards another anthro. I couldn't deny that I wanted it, even in my poor state. It didn't take long before I felt mutual love and my first relationship went without trouble... or I thought so.
I began to sob silently and my shed more tears, remembered, lingering to my past.
One day my first partner came to me, rather looking worried and reluctant, said that we had to talk about certain things. Of course I didn't know what he wanted to talk about but when he was finished it hit me like a malicious storm, followed by disaster; he wanted to break up with me because he couldn't take it to be together with a somewhat depressed anthro on the long run. He said he wanted to do it before we got too deep in our relationship. I was literally heartbroken... went into my first real, deeper depression. After the devastating day I searched to feel a resonance with my inner state by hearing music with same theme: Sadness and despair. I couldn't say that it helped but at least I could relate to these pieces of music. But I felt so alive when I felt a mutual love which was one of the strongest feelings I had experienced. I got addicted to it, wanted to feel it again so I in my desperation I searched for it and I found it... five more times... all ended in the same way.
Robin got out of bed, turned on the light, sighed and went out to the living room where I usually kept my sedative medicine, used to calm my thoughts. I got snotty because I had shed so many tears and my breathing was now uncontrollable. My love, Robin, came back with two pills and a glass of water, looked very worried and had sympathy expressed to make me feel comfortable.
"Here, hun, it'll help on your thoughts" I sat up, slowly took the pills and drank the water, still sobbing.
Will I ever be okay again?
It is not only the many ended relationships that caused problems for me... even though I wasn't that bonded with my parents it hurt so much and so hard when I heard at my school that my parents died under a car accident right after I got rejected for the fifth time. That day was the day where we were meant to go on a little trip to the beach... which was my idea... an idea that was really rare to me because I wanted to keep for myself. I felt such a great guilt... and I still did. It was my fault that my parents died.
"Hun, it was not your fault... that your parents died" Robin was on his one knee and looked up to me, held his hand on my chin, caressed it.
"But I was the one who came up with the idea..." I managed to say, crying, before I took my legs underneath my head, held myself tightly.
He rose up, sat beside me and embraced me.
"It may have been your idea but... you weren't the one who drove into your parents, remember?"
I continued crying, wanted to escape this life, I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't meant to say this but it just ran out of my mouth:
"You'll just leave... like the rest... because..."
"I won't leave you... Never! I won't leave you like this if it was. Look at me, Jaiden" He made me see into his serious eyes and continued "I love you! I really do! No matter how depressive you are I'll support you till the end! We'll overcome this and we'll live a happy life, happier you ever will imagine! You hear me? The happiest life you'll ever receive. You mean so much to me and you know why?"
I shook my head and listened carefully.
"Because you made me realize that life can be a happy place, even with the depressive circumstances! You make me whole and you make want to live my life to the fullest! I owe you, I really do! I might have not been here if it wasn't for you! I've never told you this but I was depressed too before I came to know you... and I didn't appreciate life as I should... before I met you! You make my world go around; you make my heart fly to unknown heights and you give me the motivation to go on!"
I was literally stunned... I never knew or heard that he was depressed before, until now.
His head came so close to mine that our forehead touched each other. He finished with:
"You're my beckon of light... no matter how weak your light might be you are still my beckon of light... showing my way to go... with you, Jaiden"
These words, this confession really made through all the obstacles I had on my heart, made by my depression. I stopped sobbing but still cried silently... by relief. Our muzzles got closer and he took the initiative. I felt his soft fur against my rough fur. It was very emotional kiss and I enjoyed every millisecond of it, closed my eyes and imagined us being among the beautiful and glimmering stars. I haven't felt this kind of happiness for quite a long time... last time might have been when I was with my third partner who really loved me too but... couldn't stand against my heavy mind... unlike my current lover... Robin.
"No one..." I said, shivering all over my body after the kiss "had ever said what you said... Robin" and for the first time in very long time I made a faint but real smile at him and he didn't hesitate to show his own. I nearly had forgotten how it was to see a true and happy smile, not made by situation or forced but true and happy. As we sat there on the one side of the bed we hugged each other deeply where he caressed my head and I clung closely to him.
"One day, Jaiden, one day you don't need to take pills to be happy, one day you'll wake up with a smile, truly appreciating your life and one day you will truly shine... and I'll make that happen. All you have to do is to believe in me and especially in yourself"
My destructive thoughts began to go away, fading out from the light... made by me and my lover.
"I still feel guilty about my parents, Robin" I said lowly.
"We'll work on that, love, we'll work on that"
I felt that his promise was neither empty nor hollow and it may be successful... it will be!
He said he wanted to comfort me through the night and I didn't had any objection this time, so we slept together... intertwined.