FSE

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Disclaimer: The following will contain homosexual individuals and relationships and may be an interesting commentary on life, death, immortality, God, gods and various religions. No offense is intended and if you cannot handle it, please discontinue reading rather than blaming me. This is copyrighted to me (mewjen(at)ymail.com), so no using it without my permission and no stealing it (any profits must be shared). This is a work of fiction. Any likenesses to persons, places, and so on, real or imagined, living or dead is purely coincidental.

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Act II - Part 2 - Sub-Part A

"I cannot believe you! Did you even think to ask me first?" To say I was angry would undercut the multitude of emotions I was feeling. An, the man I loved so long ago, the man I tried to hate and forget, the god who abandoned me, who just waltzed back into my life, and pushed away everything that had caused me pain, and made me feel what I had forgotten so long ago, had, in an instant, gone from 'we'll make this work, and we're equals' to 'I'm a god, I'll run your life.' And it hurt.

"I didn't think he'd say yes," An replied.

I don't know if the crowds were keeping well clear of us because I was shouting or because of him, but I was glad of it. An tried to remain passive, keeping his voice even. He just wanted me calm, but I couldn't do it. After eons of keeping quiet and hiding to save myself the pain, I had to shout. I had to be loud and fierce to the man I both loved and hated.

"Then why say it! Why not wait for me to decide if I want you!" I saw him look confused and...maybe, a little hurt, as I turned back and continued to march up the street.

When I failed to hear the sounds of his footsteps, I turn back to see the tear run down his cheek.

"I thought..." he trailed off, before he let a loud sigh. "Do you hate me that much? That I can't explain myself. I haven't figured out what I did yet and you're running away from me. I'm not trying to hurt you!"

Do I hate him? I could end this now. Just say 'yes,' he'd be gone, and I could go back to hating him in peace. But I want things to change.

"No." I walked back to him and put my arm around him. I will hold on to him. "I am not running. I just don't want to do this in public. But I can't control myself. Okay."

I didn't know if I could forgive him for becoming "The God of Death." But I knew I'd have to decide soon, because I loved him too much to toy with him.

We walked on in silence. It started to feel like old times, until he took my hand in his own. I glanced at him, a bit surprise by the overt display. He squeezed. I squeezed back. He had changed so much. Gone was the shy jackal stuck in his shell, afraid to get too close. He had become confident, at ease with himself. He had reached the potential that I had seen in him. I guess seeing him like this, made me mourn missing him grow.

"WHY me? Why are you so focused on me?" It was the first thing I said, after we entered my home and sat down at my tiny dining room table. It was the question that was at the forefront of my thoughts, since our collision.

"I love you." Short. Sweet. To the point. I believed him.

"But why after all this time, An," I still asked, "would you want to be with me? You have had the opportunity to find someone...equal to you." Nothing will change the fact that we are separate castes...forbidden to ever....

"Will you please stop acting like I am a god to you?" He let his frustration show through his calm façade.

"You are," I pointed out.

"No, I'm not," he said imploringly, shaking his head. "I will bind my powers for you. I will teach you how to manipulate this reality. I will do anything for you, if you will just stop seeing me as something I'm not. Did you think like this before, when I was the desert dog and you the ambassador?"

His question surprised me. For one thing, I didn't expect him to ever find out or care to find out, but also, I expected if he knew, he would use it as more of an accusation. "You knew I rejected that path?" I asked, fearing he would tell me he always knew.

"Not then," he answered. "But when you're antisocial and tasked with guarding a gate, you have a lot of time to learn things." He took my hand in his own. "I know what you went through for me, just like I know what killed you-"

"Yeah. Me." It came out, before I could stop myself.

"What?" He let go of my hand in his surprise, but I soon felt it on my chin, as I let him guide me to his eyes. "That is my burden. Not yours."

"I shouldn't have let you stay." I rubbed my cheek into his hand. "I shouldn't have pushed you so hard. I felt so guilty, and I knew it was important to you. But.... Everyone died, because I wanted to cuddle." I didn't know I was crying until he wiped away the tears. I didn't pull away when he wrapped his arms around me and held me close.

"I made the choice." He spoke softly, comforting me with his nuzzles. "There is a lot we could have done differently. If the guardians hadn't abandoned their posts. If I hadn't been the sole remaining watcher. I stopped a long time ago, questioning the past."

It was more than having someone else to talk to. Having him back, comforting me, consoling me, made it feel like there was a weight being lifted off of me. He may not be able to end the blame I feel, but he made it seem more bearable.

"So there were others?" I asked.

"Several in Tem alone." He huffed into my ear. "You know the worst part. I could have gone with you and still have done my duty."

I chuckled, even though it was more sad than funny. "The council would never have allowed it," I said, letting myself move past my sorrow. "They were too caught up in the homosexual thing."

"And the fact that I was well beneath you," he quipped, trying to make me laugh.

It worked. "They had a problem before you were under me."

He was quiet for a bit, probably trying to decide his next argument for our equality.

"Do you remember how we met?" he asked.

"Of course." Like I would ever forget that day.

"Why did you take that path?" was the next question in his plan.

"Traffic was blocked," I answered, letting him proceed.

"And you ran into me, outside the city wall," he said with emphasis. "But no one else took that shortcut."

I had no idea where he was going with this. "I suppose not."

An sighed. It was clear that he had expected me to connect the dots and was slightly annoyed at my ignorance. "Only an ambassador, or someone like me, could see the passages through the wall. Jaller, you were born to leave the city, just as I was born to watch the shadows grow. We were never the same caste. You were born equal to the council, while I was the outsider. Your parents hated our friendship because I was dirt. Even if I had had a graduation, it never would have been like or with yours. You were important to everyone. I only had two people who cared about me."

Even though I understood the weight of what he just told me, I chose to take issue with his self-deprecation. "The Grand Elder cared about you too," I pushed. "She just wasn't allowed to be supportive towards us."

He waved off my comment. "She cared about everyone, but played a more important role in your life."

"My parents weren't there," I said in my own defense.

"Mine were?" he returned.

"You had Elisa." I started and stopped my next sentence several times, never speaking, until I gave up any pretense and just confessed, "If you weren't a part of my life, I wouldn't have had anyone."

He stared at me for a long while. I knew he wanted to refute that, but at the same time didn't want to fight any more than was necessary. "That doesn't change my point," he finally said. "You are focused on a caste system that has me above you. But we were born to the reverse. Neither system is right. We're equal." He let out a loud sigh and brought his face into my sight. "Do you, at least, believe that I believe that and have always thought that?" He looked so earnest and looking back, I did believe him.

But it's so easy for him. He could do whatever he wanted. Be whatever he desired. He's a god and I'm not. Yet he doesn't see the difference.

I believe him. He knows I believe. And part of me wants him to be right.

"But you still have not answered my question," I said. "Why me? After all this time, you've had the freedom to find someone. Why not someone who shares your godhood."

"Because there isn't anyone else." There was so much left unsaid.

"What happened?" I asked with slight trepidation.

He pulled away from me. "I'd rather not talk about it." He moved to my kitchen counter, and when I followed him, I found his back towards me and heard the sounds of vegetables being chopped.

"Why not?" I put my hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off.

"Because it hurts, and you are part of the reason it hurts." He focused intently on the knife he wield, refusing to look up. "I betrayed you and I got hurt, isn't that enough?" he muttered.

He stopped cutting the onions, when I touched his chin. When I turned his head, I saw him barely holding back tears.

My heart ached. "I'm sorry," I whispered, leaning in, "but I have to know. I have to know what happened to you, and there is no one else who can tell me."

He nodded, as he went back to chopping. "My primary duty was to guard the gate. It didn't take me that long to figure out how to be in two places at once. I didn't socialize much early on. I was still afraid of crowds and letting people get too close. But Horus kind of did what you did. He took me under his wing, and we quickly became friends. He was the first god to know I'm gay, despite my father's assurances to the contrary. As time grew on and our connection faded, I got...lonely...so very lonely."

He stopped to find his next ingredient, before he resumed chopping. "I don't know how to describe this without sounding like a cheating bastard," he said, after going through several expressions of discomfort.

I interrupted him before he could continue that line of thought. "It wasn't cheating. I was dead, in a different plane. I wanted you to be happy."

"And I guess that was what I was looking for," he answered. "But in those early years, I couldn't go through another relationship like ours. Yet I still needed somebody, or more some 'body.' At that point, it was socially allowed for male gods to screw each other, when female troubles occurred, and I took advantage of it. It didn't matter that I wanted the company of a male, as long as both parties were satisfied." He stopped again, this time he just stood there for a bit, before he continued with an increased edge of bitterness. "It didn't take Dad too long to find out that I enjoyed it. It was okay to screw a guy, so long as you prefer females. He didn't make an official decree, but close enough. Any male under his reign found with me would suffer dearly for it. Any fuck-buddy I had abandoned me quickly enough. I don't blame them, but it just increased the loneliness.

"Horus never liked that aspect of my sex life. He felt I was debasing myself just so I could ignore my real issues. Of course he ended up being right. With Ra at my neck, he tried to find places where my name didn't matter. But I fell back into my old cycle. Instead of trying to find stability, I sought anonymity and expediency. And as he knew, waking up alone or having my one-night stand rushing out the door, took its toll quickly."

Again he stopped. I wrapped my arms around him from behind and rested my head against his back. "I'm sorry," I said, remembering how I left him after our first time.

He put his hand over mine. "I didn't mean it like that," he replied, before pulling away and continuing his preparations.

Staring at him, I realized that he didn't want to be comforted. He wanted the pain. Because he thought, he deserved it. I wanted to hug him even more, to banish that thought, but I held back for now, knowing he would just pull away again.

"I was at a tipping point, when he came into my life. He was so nice, so kind and caring. At first, it was always the three of us. He just fit in perfectly. And then it started to become the two of us more often than not. The first night without Horus, we just talked. It was so wonderfully perfect. He wanted to be with me, and I wasn't waking up feeling used and abandon. So I just kept seeing him."

He looked caught between two sets of memories, remembering happy moments that were scarred by what came after. He was silent, at the edge, waiting to take the plunge.

"Who was he?" I asked with apprehension.

He threw the last of the ingredients into the pot and set his utensils down. He walked away and stood in the middle of the room, his back towards me. His breathing faltered as he drew in deep breaths, failing to control his shaking body.

"Set..." he answered, after several moments. "He courted me so well. Befriending Horus and then me, taking his time, luring me in." He released a deep trembling sigh. "I loved him, and I thought he loved me. I thought he would stand beside me as we faced Dad. It was perfect. Until...."

I had been moving closer to him, since he began. When I reached him, I put my arms around his chest and hugged him tightly.

He turned to me, staring down at me, pleading with me to understand (and forgive, I guess) "Three months after he"-he choked out something that I couldn't understand-"he disappeared for nearly a month, and when he came back, he showed his true colors." His eyes watered. "He decided it was time to put his hard work to use. He wanted me to leave the gate unguarded for a night. Just enough time for a few souls to cross realms. Just enough time to usher in an era of chaos. When I said no, he got so angry. He knew how to hurt me, and he did. He used you against me. How could I expect him to love me, if I still loved you? What was his reward for my happiness? I begged him to stop. But he wouldn't. And I still said no."

He was crying. The tears slowly soaking his furred cheeks. "He used me.... He used my feelings, my sexuality...." He collapsed into a chair that appeared behind him. When I moved closer, he put his head on my chest, my arms around his shoulders. "He never loved me. He never cared. It was just his nature." There was so much venom in that last word. I just held him.

A short time later, An's voice returned, and he sat up. His eyes studied my own, while his words showed a long-found resolve. "I hate him. And he knows well enough to stay far away from me." He sighed. "I cheated on you, and I got hurt. The depression afterwards is the reason my father forced me to marry. I still couldn't have a male, so I had to choose between a woman who wanted children, regardless of my...feelings and a woman who could at least understand, even if she couldn't accept that I could never love her like that. Having her in my life stopped the downward spiral. She and Horus helped me deal with a lot of my issues. In the end, I am glad I knew her, but it was wrong for my father and me to deny her a relationship with someone who could love her in the way she deserved. We made a deal early on, at the first opportunity, she could leave to find that someone. So regardless of us, Jaller, she is free to be happy."

He turned back to me. "I do not have anyone to go back to, and I am fine with that. If you cannot love me, then please, find someone that makes you happy. I won't stop you, and I will not force myself into your life. If you do not want to marry me, I will leave. Just be happy."

When I looked away, he continued. "I know you're not, and I can't fix that alone. You need to figure out what you need of me. What we had is old. It was wrong of me to think it would be easy to go back. I want this, but if you don't then there is no guilt. What you want is all that matters. I will survive. But please, know why you are sending me away. Because I don't think you do right now, and I don't think I'm helping you. So I'm going to simplify the question. What do you want tonight?"

It was the perfect question.

"An, I love you, I just-"

He shushed me with a gentle prod of his finger. "Tonight and only tonight."

I broke down in his arms. I was in his lap without realizing it, and my grief, my despair, my agony just could not be repressed anymore. Not with the one I trusted most. "Stay. Please, stay."

I cried myself calm in his warmth.

I sat, as he served soup that I suspected had been thoroughly burnt moments before being poured into two bowls, I had never seen before. I couldn't stop smiling every time I looked at him. It seemed there was a chance I could forgive him.

"SO...couch or bed?" An asked, drawing out the first word.

"Huh?" I mumbled, as I sat up from where I had been dozing.

"Where do you want me?" he clarified. "Out here or with you tonight?"

It took my brain awhile to fuzz together his words. "I don't have a couch," I said, momentarily confused.

"You have yet to ban my powers," He retorted with a smirk.

"Oh." My eyes were closed again.

He helped me to my bedroom, which upon entering, I quickly fell face-first into my full-size bed. He chuckled, as he helped me undress and then aided me in finding a more comfortable position.

"It has been a loooong day, hasn't it?" he yawned, as he turned to leave. I grabbed his wrist and weakly tugged on him, and a moment later, the lights were out, he was undressed and lying next to me with his arm holding me.

I fell asleep to his gentle breathing against the back of my neck and his heart beating against my back.

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Author's Note: When I did the original reschedule, I planned to break this part (and two others) in half just to balance out the length of the chapters across the series, though I have added five pages since that breakdown. This break is the weakest and so I debated releasing Part 2 as a whole chapter, but with other issues at hand and wanting to maintain weekly updates, I decide to maintain the split, which will give me time to improve the latter half and hopefully warrant the split.

Thank you for reading for this chapter. While you are here, please rate, favorite, and comment. Your feedback is the only way I know if the variously parts and concepts at working or confusing.

I released this chapter early and I will release the next on Friday the 4th, since the second half of this part needs more work and doubt I will have the time next week to work on it. Thank you for understanding. See you in two weeks.