Ander - Part 3: Subchapter 13
13
"Sarah, where are you?" Kadai whispered, looking left and right, his voice completely drowned out by the babbling of the river. The rain had stopped almost completely now, reduced to individual kisses of ice striking his body at random intervals, but the river was still swollen from the downpour.
Kadai sniffed the air, but it was useless. Her scent was long gone by now, washed away by the rain, but there was only one place she could have gone: their old meeting place by the pass. He could see the rockfall just on the other side of the river, slick and shiny.
So then why isn't she here?
Kadai stopped to think. Could she have crossed the river in her state? He seriously doubted it. The memory of her bloody, battered body was just as fresh as the wound in his own chest. She would have to wait for the water to drop before she could even think of trying to cross.
But she wasn't here.
A vision of Sarah being swept downstream suddenly jumped into Kadai's mind, and he shook it off with an angry growl. She wasn't stupid. If she didn't want to wait around, she might have tried looking for an alternate route to cross. That's the only thing that made sense.
Kadai continued on his way, wondering if he was even going in the right direction. She could just as easily have decided to go upstream, but there was no way for him to know for sure.
Maybe she wasn't as hurt as he thought she was? Maybe she's already back home, drinking warm milk by the fire, all wrapped up in one of those finely woven blankets. Maybe he's just wasting his time out here. Shekka wasn't in good shape either, no matter what she says, and he had a newborn to look after now. He would just keep going for a little while longer, just to make sure. Then he'd go back. Just a little bit further... Just to make absolutely -
There was a dark shape lying motionless on the ground just a few strides ahead. It might have been just an old log knocked loose by the storm, but then a gust of wind threw up a corner of the cloak across its back.
That was no log.
"Sarah!" Kadai broke out into a full run, not caring if he slipped and broke his neck. He just wanted to reach her as fast as he could, but the closer he got, the stronger the smell of her blood became, that bitter, gagging scent of iron. He dropped down and skidded along the muddy ground on his knees, coming to a stop by her side.
Up close, he could see that she had fallen down on her stomach, her head turned away to the side and her arm stretched out, as if she was reaching for something.
"Sarah?" Kadai placed his big hand over her slender shoulder, struck once again by how frail - how delicate - she was compared to a Wolf. He shook her gently, but she showed no reaction. He wanted to turn her over, but by the Cora there was blood everywhere! The mud all around her was stained black with it! What if he... what if he hurt her even more? He's hurt her so much already...
You'll kill her if you do nothing.
He gingerly turned her over, the left half of her face a black mask of mud.
Her eyes were closed.
"Sarah? Come on, wake up." He patted the muddy side of her face and wiped away some of the grime. He didn't like the way it made her look, as if she was split right down the middle. "Sarah, please. I already lost a daughter tonight, don't make me lose you, too."
Her eyes fluttered, and a small moan escaped her lips.
Thank the Cora.
"Sarah? Are you hurt?" An idiotic question, yes, but one he couldn't avoid.
She moaned again and her eyes rolled up in her sockets, revealing the whites.
"No, Sarah! You have to stay here with me! Stay here!" He patted her face again, harder this time, until her eyes grudgingly came back down again.
This was bad. This was very, very bad. "It's me, Sarah. It's Kadai. Can you hear me?"
Her lips were moving but no sounds came out. He leaned a little closer until his ear was almost right up against her mouth.
"... s'dark..."
It's no good. She was completely out of it.
"... s'dark..."
"That's because..." Kadai started, not sure what the hell he was doing. "That's because it's... It's night time, Sarah. You should be in bed."
She closed her eyes and sighed. It wasn't a sad sigh, or the sigh of one in pain. It was the sigh of someone slipping underneath warm blankets on a cold night.
"You've had a long day. It's time to rest now."
Her hand crept up and closed over his, and she whispered, "Andrew..."
Andrew?
"Sarah...? Sarah!?" Kadai gave her a brief shake, but she was gone, completely unconscious. Except for her smile, lightly touching the corner of her mouth. That seemed just as lively as ever.
Andrew. So that was the name she intended.
"I've caused you so much pain..." Kadai whispered, caressing the side of her face. "I know I can never make up for it, but I promise to take care of your son. Of our son. And I promise I won't let you die here. That way, maybe..." He wiped away a single tear. The last one of this eternal night. "... maybe you'll see him again someday. Once you've had time to rest. Maybe... maybe..."
He slid his right arm underneath her shoulder blades, his left under her knees. He stood up, cradling her in his arms, holding her close to keep the cold at bay, and he waited. He waited for
*
"... the water to go down. It was maddening. I had to get her home as fast as possible, but if I tried to cross too quickly, we'd both be swept away. Eventually I couldn't stand it any longer and I took a chance. The water was only up to my waist, but I'm sure you know how fast it flows at the bottom, and it's always changing speeds down there, like it's actually a hundred different rivers all rolled into one, and each of them was trying to get under my feet and trip me up. And carrying Sarah like that made me top-heavy. Every step was a gamble, but I made it through. I have no idea how, but I did."
Ander has gone through so many shocks during the last twenty-four hours, he honestly thought there was nothing left in this world that could leave him speechless.
How wrong he was.
"Carrying her up that rope was just as hard," Father continued, "because the rocks were slippery and always breaking loose, and I had Sarah slung over my shoulder, so I only had one free hand to climb with. And my teeth, of course. I literally had to claw my way up there tooth and nail." Father chuckled weakly, a sound devoid of any mirth. He was just going through the motions now, displaying a hardened exterior to cover up the anguish of living through that night once again.
He almost succeeded.
"I'd never been to the other side of the Cora before, or even past the halfway mark. After every bend in the pass I'd tell Sarah, 'This is it. Your home is just around the corner, so hold on just a little while longer,' not knowing if she could even hear me. I'd turn the corner and there would only be more rocks and shadow, the two halves of the mountain rippling with sheets of water. Then I'd say, 'The next corner, Sarah. Your home is just around the next corner, so hold on just a little while longer.'"
Ander realized with a grim fascination that both he and his father had carried vixens they loved through the same pass, both times right after a thunderstorm, no less. It was as if his own life was an echo of his father's. Or maybe a continuation. The whole thing made his head ache.
"I finally made it through to the other side, into a wooded area. I kept thinking about what would happen if I got lost, or if I didn't make it in time, but there was nothing else to do except to keep going, so that's what I did. I eventually came out into the open, and there was a big building of stone among the fields, with squares of orange candlelight shining through the dark. It must have been one of the 'houses' Sarah sometimes talked about, so I took her there, not knowing if it belonged to her family or one of her neighbours. It didn't matter either way, just as long as she got the help she needed. I set her down by the entrance and knocked on the wood, then I ran into the fields. There were these tall plants growing in neat rows, so it was easy for me to hide and wait for something happen. A few moments later, the door opened and two Foxes came out, a male and a female. The way they reacted upon seeing Sarah lying at their feet - almost crazy with sorrow - they must have been her parents. I barely noticed the father, but the mother looked a lot like Sarah, and I'm not just talking about a likeness of face and fur. Her hands were all bloody and shaking. At first I assumed it must have been from your birth, Ander, but then I noticed her swollen eye. Bad things were going on in that house, and it suddenly felt like I had made a grave mistake by returning her there." He sighed. "But it was too late. They carried her inside, and that was the last I ever saw of her. My Sarah, your mother. Your real mother, Ander."
Kadai paused, perhaps waiting for him to say something, but Ander could not. If anything had happened even slightly differently that night, if even one_thing had not happened in that exact way, he probably would not be sitting here right now. He'd be just like his half-sister, dead before he had a chance to live. But what if she hadn't been a stillborn? What if she had lived? Would he,_Ander, have been left in the woods to die in the rain, an unwanted secret discarded by all? Would his neck have been broken by the she-wolf he came to call 'Mother' his entire life? Or would he have been killed by the Wolves, a destiny he now had to face before night's end; not avoided, but merely delayed? If his sister had been allowed to live, would he be dead because of it?
In a way, it was as if he had taken her life for himself. Or maybe... it was given? He didn't know. He just... didn't... know.
"I got back just before dawn, almost dead on my feet. Shekka was still fast asleep, holding you in her arms. I think some deep part of her must have known how close you came to death. That's why she was afraid to let you go. I lay down next to her and didn't get up until the sun was well on its way to setting yet again, making it feel like I was living two nights in a row. Shekka had gotten up sometime during the day and showed you off to all the Wolves in the village, just as I had imagined for your sister. There was a fair bit of joking about how the birth was more taxing for me than for Shekka, but I didn't mind that. I was more worried about Banno, and the promises he had made, promises I believed he would not be able to keep, but I was wrong. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, but he never breathed a word to anyone. He was only four at the time, and I -"
You're no brother of mine...You never were...
" - hoped that he had just forgotten - "
You're not even a real Wolf...
" - all about it. I guess that shows just how much of a fool I really am. But I never thought - "
Your whole life is a lie...
" - that he would go so far."
Your very blood is a lie...
Ander remembered the look in his brother's eyes, that golden gleam that preceded his emergence from the shadows. Those weren't the eyes of his brother. Those were the eyes of an animal.
I am going to enjoy the taste of your death on my tongue!
But he never did. That flavour was reserved to pass over Ander's tongue that night, a poison fouler than any other, bitter and burning. It was in the eyes, always the eyes. The instant before Banno died, Ander could see his own reflected back on himself into infinity in that single, staring eye, and they were the same. Their eyes were the same.
Not so different... after all...
"Neither did I, Father," he said. "Neither did I."
I'm not gonna bother with putting links to the first, previous, and next subchapters down here anymore. Other sites need it, but SF gives a whole list on the left, all in order, so that's one less chore for me to do. I don't know why I kept it up for so long anyway.
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