3
"Wish I was a better person..
With more control.
Turn the other cheek..
When the punch comes roll.
Wish I was a kinder person!
Could see another's pain!
Not overreact, never judge.
Shrug off the spreadin' stain."
Johnny's eyes were narrowed, peering out through the fogged windshield and almost desperately trying to make out the road between wipers that paced back and forth as he sped along the frost bitten two-lane blacktop.
His mind was racing just as fast as he had been driving, not even the music could distract him from all the mental warfare that plagued his thoughts. Not this time around.
"What the hell am I going to do.." He hadn't seen Michael for almost two years now. Sure he got calls every now and then, but this time was different. He didn't know if he could keep his cool.
He breathed a sigh of relief as he saw the gas station coming up on his left, itching for a pack of sress-releving smokes that would ease his weary head. At least for a few moments anyway.
The engine came to a stop as he shifted the gears to park and switched off the ignition. Already the frigid air was seeping through the car and replacing all the warmth the heater had managed to produce, causing the leather clad wolf to shudder.
Clipping his keys on his right sided belt loop, Johnny got out of the car and slammed the door shut, rubbing his paws together for warmth as he briskly walked to the foggy gas station door.
"What'll it be today?"
The clerk immediately recognized him when he walked in.
"The usual." Johnny's voice trailed off as he nodded to the cigarette case behind the counter.
"Ah, I see. And how old are you Mr. Wolf?"
"Old enough" He sarcastically replied and laid the cash he had already prepared onto the counter.
"As always" The clerk uttered with a chuckle to himself. This made Johnny realize that he might go in for cigarettes a little too much. But he shrugged it off and with a nod, headed back to his car.
Johnny took the pack of ciggs and slammed the filtered end of the carton into his palm several times to pack the tobacco a little tighter. "Now..where to..?" He thought as he removed the plastic wrapping from the pack and laid them on his compartment beside his seat.
"You know where." He answered himself and headed out on the road again in the direction of Shot's bar. It had become a ritual of sorts to go there when he was a little stressed.
Snow hissed underneath the hot tires as he pulled into the driveway of the bar and parked. "Strange.." He said aloud as if anyone were listening, noticing that only two cars occupied the lot. His, and one he knew to be Shot's. Then he figured it out. He had woken up so early that he got there at least an hour before the bar officially opened.
"That gas station is open 24-7.. No wonder I've lost track of time." He said to himself.
"At least it'll be quiet."
Shot quickly turned around as he heard the door creak open to a slow halt. Knowing exactly who it was that would be in the bar so early.
"Rough night's sleep again?" The shepherd questioned as he wiped down the bar counter, finally close to finishing up opening. He liked to finish early so that he could have a little time to himself before anyone showed up. But he never minded Johnny's company.
"How many times does this make?" Johnny smirked and sat down at the counter. A glass of vodka was already there waiting for him. To which he immediately picked up and tilted back.
"I've lost count." Shot flicked a playful grin his way and sat down beside him. Taking a swig of his own of the warming fluid in the glass bottle.
"So what's troubling ya kid?" Shot eased out from his muzzle, averting his eyes from the bottle to JT's eyes. Which, at the moment, we're down at the glass. As if he were trying to find the answer to his troubles in the very bottom.
Johnny combed his hair back with his paw and rested his arm on the counter top. Glaring at Shot.
"I'm not a kid, ya jerk."
Shot stuck his tongue out at him and grinned. "So?"
"You're only a few years older than me!" Johnny spat out as a younger brother would do.
"I know, I know. I just like teasin' ya sometimes. Don't have much else to do around here, gotta make you're own fun." Shot chuckled like he really found it hilarious.
Johnny continued to glare at him before looking back down into the glass, and onto his reflection in the clear liquid.
"Michael wants me to come visit him and his girlfriend.." He said in a hushed tone, gripping the glass a little tighter than he had moments before.
"What?"
"Yeah.."
"Well, what are you gonna do?"
Johnny took a moment to light up a cigarette much to Shot's dismay before shrugging and tilting his head. "I don't know really.. I might go, I might not"
"Why would you put yourself through that exactly? You know how it'll turn back on you."
"I know how it'll go, But I haven't seen him in such a long time.. I think I can manage."
Shot glared at him. "You always think you can do things, but when it actually happens you end up in the deep end." He poured the wolf another shot. That's pretty much how he got his name, he was always good at pouring shots for the wolf. Specifically, the first time they met. Ever since then Johnny had called him that and it stuck pretty well to the Shep. As there were many more shots to come.
Johnny cracked a smile for reasons unknown to him. "Yeah, I know."
"You are so hard-headed." Shot shook his head and patted Johnny on the back. "But you're a good guy, I'll give ya that much."
"Heh, thanks man." Johnny said in reply before taking another drink and another puff on the cigg.
They talked for a good hour before other regulars pulled up and made their way into the bar for whatever reasons. Crowding up the usual spots as they usually did every day.
It had finally settled down around One o' clock, leaving Johnny and Shot to talk in pure freedom.
"I've gotta get going soon.." Johnny stared at the neon lit clock beside the TV that settled perfectly on the old looking wooden wall.
"You sure you're gonna go through with this?" Shot questioned with a sincere look that played about his face.
"Yeeeeep" Johnny lazily grunted in a deep voice and looked back at him with a smile.
"Just be careful, We both know how things like this can go."
"Yeah, yeah, I will." He got up and turned to leave with a wave to the Shepherd behind the bar.
"Catch ya later Shot"
Later Johnny"
***
Johnny eyed the house as he pulled up to the curb and parked, It was the classic family home. Good neighborhood, White picket fence going around the property, the works. Now all it needed was him. A pain shot across his chest, but it wasn't a physical pain. It was emotional. The pain of his heart being crushed as he imagined how life would've been for the two if things had've worked out.
"I'm supposed to be here..I'm the one...who.." He shrugged it off and shook his head in a frenzy, trying to rattle out all the cobwebs in his head that contained such feelings. Although it never worked. But he sighed and sat in the silence, brushing back his hair that had fallen into his eyes. Procrastinating the walk up to the door, putting it off for as long as he could. But eventually the cold got the best of him and he shakily grabbed the handle, opening the car door and getting out.
The wolf dropped the cigarette he had been smoking on the way there on the icy pavement and crushed it out with the heel of his right boot, put his hands in his jacket pockets, and, after another sigh, began his walk of shame up to the front door.
His paw made it up to the doorbell and he pressed a finger onto the round, glowing orb that signaled someone was awaiting outside. But he hesitated before actually pressing it. His ears flattened back and his head dropped as if he were wondering just what the hell he was really doing. But when he heard the door begin to open, He pricked his ears up and put on the veil that nothing was wrong.
"Ye- Johnny!, I've missed you so much!" The black wolf came dashing out of the house and into a tight hug, wrapping his arms around Johnny and continually nuzzling him."
"Ha, hey to you too." Is all he could really muster to say in a low, hushed voice. But one that sounded glad. Truth is, he was glad. Johnny longed to be in those arms again. Not like this, but it was good enough at the moment. He definitely took it all in, His scent, the warmth that his body produced whenever he hugged him. He never forgot it. It's really all he could think about, and it felt like it didn't last long enough when Michael let go, leading him into the house.
"Come on, I want you to meet Jessi."
Michael led Johnny to the living room and sat him down on a couch, it was pretty soft. But he didn't lean back into it, He was too edgy to get comfortable. So he took off his jacket and laid it onto the armrest. It was a little toasty.
"I'll be right back, wait here!" Michael whisped off into another part of the house to get his girlfriend.
Johnny's ears flattened back down again, and anger took the place of sorrow. It seemed like Michael had just gotten over it so easily, why couldn't he? But as he always did, he hid it, shoved it in the lowest place in his mind and shrugged it off when she came into the living room from the kitchen. It was really hard when they both sat down together on an adjacent chair. All in each other's laps like they we're just itching to get to him. He figured that was all in his head and averted his eyes from the happy couple. And the introductions started.
"It's so great to finally meet you Johnny."
He heard somewhat of a false sense of excitement in her voice, and painfully responded.
"Yeah.. You too."
A painful conversation started. About everything they had been up to, What direction they were taking. Whenever they asked Johnny about anything he had been up to he either lied through his teeth or distracted them with something else.
"I've heard so much about you, all good things. I don't think Michael could find anything bad to say." she giggled and nuzzled the black wolf on the neck.
Johnny's fur bristled when she did this, and Michael knew it, so he decided to ease the tension a little bit.
"Hey Jessi.. would you mind getting us a drink from the kitchen?"
"Sure hun!" She happily responded and bounced off.
Johnny's eyes followed her movements but was distracted when he felt Michael sit beside him on the couch. He looked over at him and smiled faintly. His lips might've made an expression of happiness, but his eyes always gave him away.
"She always that happy?" he said trying to ease the uncomfortable air.
"Heh, Yeah, I can hardly keep up with her at times."
Michael turned a little so they were facing one another and slightly lowered his ears.
"I..know how hard this was for you.. But I'm glad you came, You're still my friend and I've really wanted to see you for a long time and know how you were doing. You never really answer me on the phone when I ask questions. I know you better than those white lies you tell. How have you really been?"
Johnny sighed.
"I've been alright, it's a little rocky at times, But I'm still staying at the cabin, found a nice little place to hang out at..."
Michael interrupted him when he heard his voice start to break a little, lifting his paw and placing it on Johnny's left forearm, slowly trailing his fingers across faint scars that bore themselves into the brown fur, and looking into his eyes, as if he was looking into the wolf's soul, He could feel something wasn't right. He always got vibes about Johnny, that's how connected they once were.
"Well.. as long as you haven't done anything reckless..." His voice trailed off.
"Nah, I'm not that stupid anymore"
It got a little quiet, they both looked into each other's eyes for what seemed like an eternity, Michael questioning his decision even this far down the road. Johnny pleading and asking why it ever happened to begin with. But the silent stare was broken when the loud footsteps of the vixen pounded into the living room with three cups of vanilla coffee. Johnny's favorite.
They all talked for what seemed like an hour, it was a battle of Johnny's silence, Jessi's persistence, and Michael getting caught up between it. Finally, he just couldn't really take it anymore. The coffee, Michael, the scars, the cabin, Jessi, It all played back to him and beat him down with broken memories of the past. So he excused himself and left.
"Shit, I forgot I had to go to work today." He frowned as if he were actually sad about leaving. He didn't even have a job. But with much protest, he finally managed to get out of the door.
"Bye Johnny"
"Later..."
They hugged. Johnny didn't want to let go, and he hated himself for ever going in the first place. But because the vixen was there, eyeing him down. He did, and walked to his car.
"Come see us again!" Jessi boomed out of the doorway as he pulled out of the driveway heading down the road.