Ander - Part 3: Subchapter 11
11
They were just as he had left them; mother and child. The only difference was that there was even more blood now, slowly coagulating from the edges. He could clearly see the border of its hardening in the reflections of the candles posted throughout the tent, clear and flickering in the wet patches, dull and hazy on the crusts. The smell of it was enough to make Kadai gag.
He knelt by Shekka's side, stripped Ander of his sopping rag and dropped it to the floor. The poor thing looked even more vulnerable this way, wet and naked, but he had to get dry right away. He reached for the raccoon pelt surrounding his daughter, but hesitated. Taking it away from her just seemed... wrong, somehow. She looked so peaceful, all wrapped up on her mother's chest.
It's too late for her. Just do what you have to do.
Kadai carefully, oh so carefully picked her up, her tiny body completely limp in his hand. He now held both babies in his arms. Half-brother and half-sister, born on the same night, but worlds apart.
"I'm sorry, enka, but your brother needs to borrow this for a little while..." He slipped Ander inside the soft pelt, right next to his sister, trying his very best to keep from shaking too badly. He was just about to lift his daughter out when he saw something that immediately blurred his vision with fresh tears. He didn't know whether it was by design or by accident, but when he put them together, their hands overlapped in such a way, with their fingers curled around that... it looked like...
It looked like they were holding hands.
Kadai sobbed. He couldn't stop it. It just burst out of him. With both his hands full, he bit down on his tongue instead, hard. He sniffed back his tears and took a long, rattling breath to calm himself. If ever there was a time to be strong, now was it.
He lifted his enka out of the coon pelt, and the moment her hand slipped free from her brother's grasp, something inside of him just knew they would never touch each other again.
Laying her body down on the cold, hard ground seemed like the worst kind of blasphemy, so Kadai set her down on the strange white rag instead, the one that Sarah had wrapped around his dosa.
Sarah...
All that blood. He wondered what happened to her. He wondered where she was right now. He hoped she was okay...
Focus, Kadai!
He started to dry off his son, carefully rubbing the pelt across his fur, deathly afraid of pushing too hard, but just as afraid of not working fast enough. Ander made no movements or sounds, and his eyes remained closed.
He was just like his sister...
No! Don't think that! He's just cold and tired, that's all! He's fine!
Kadai gathered all the candles within reach and clumped them close together, making a tiny little fire of seven dancing flames, each standing in its own shimmering circle of shadow, like a reversed halo.
"Come on... come on..." Kadai whispered, holding his son as close to the flames as he dared. He didn't want to burn the poor thing. "Please, Ander. You're all warm now, see? So everything's all right. Just... please be all right? Please, please be all right..."
Ander didn't move.
Kadai ran a finger across his son's forehead, feeling for his temperature, his nail scraping away a flaky line in the bloodprint he had left there, now mostly dry. Ander felt warm enough, but that might just be the heat from the candles.
Ander... it was an odd name for a Wolf, but certainly apt in this case, if that was indeed what Sarah was saying. She did know a few of the old Wolven words, but did he ever teach her that particular one? He wasn't sure. But even if that was her real intent, he couldn't give this pup a name until he earns one, and the one he earns will probably be something completely different.
Ha, 'different.'
Maybe he'll become a great hunter, or a great warrior. Maybe he'll favour the axe or the bow, or maybe even his bare hands. Maybe he'll show great speed or strength. Any of those traits could provide a fine name.
And yet... somehow... he didn't think that would be the case.
Kadai would gladly accept any name his son might earn in the future, whether it be the one Sarah intended, or the exact opposite. Just as long as he lived through this night.
"Come on, Ander. Please wake up. Please, please wake up!"
His eyes remained closed.
"Ander?" Kadai carefully held his finger beneath the pup's nose, but he couldn't feel anything.
Was he... dead?
So this is what it feels like to lose everything. While you still have something left, each loss feels like getting stabbed with a dagger, but once you've lost that last thing, that _last_shred of hope you've been clinging to, it all suddenly changes. No longer does the dagger pull out of your chest and stab you again and again. When you have nothing left, it just slowly sinks in deeper and deeper, sliding between your cleaved flesh, growing longer and longer until you wish for death. Only then does it finally pierce your heart.
That's how Kadai felt now, like his heart had been pierced. Not in some metaphorical way, but literally. He felt stuck in that moment right before death, that moment that stretches on forever until life finally leaves the body. Anyone who has ever seen a deer breathe its last knows of that moment. The moment when the eyes grow dull and the neck goes limp. To be stuck in that moment without the release of death, to feel what he was feeling right now without any hope of ending it...
This must be what hell feels like.
Kadai's eyes wandered around the tent, across the canvass rippling in the wind, over the candles glowing uselessly before him, not sure what he was looking for. But he knew it when he saw it.
The knife.
It was a dull old thing, just a flattened piece of iron with a honed edge, really, but it would get the job done.
Kadai picked it up, gripping it by the wooden handle, worn smooth over the years. How many times has he seen Shekka use this very blade to carve up venison into those little cubes he likes so much? One hundred? Five hundred? More? She'd always measure them out with her fingers, and he'd always worry about her cutting herself, but she never did. Afterwards, she'd sometimes give him that look, with the corner of her mouth turned up and her eyebrow cocked, as if to say, "Were you expecting anything less?"
It's something he'll never watch her do again.
He turned the knife around so that it pointed directly at his chest, something his father had taught him to never do.
When you use a knife, always point it away from yourself. When you're just holding a knife, point it to the ground. That way you won't accidentally stab yourself or anyone else.
Kadai traced the tip across his body until he felt it nestle against the valley formed by his ribs. It was a dull old thing, but if he pushed hard enough, it should slide right between them. It already felt like he was dead, stabbed through the heart, so this shouldn't even hurt. This was just... reality catching up.
"I'm sorry..." Kadai said, placed the palm of his left hand against the handle, and started to push the blade into his body. There was some resistance at first, a painful pressure concentrated into a single point, but once his skin broke, the tip eased into his flesh like it was nothing.
Kadai gasped, more from the cold than the actual pain. All it would take now was one hard shove. Then it would all be over. Just one... final... push...
Ander moved.
Kadai froze. Maybe he was just imagining things. There would be nothing more painful right now than to get his hopes up only to have them dashed again. Better to end everything right now, while he still had the resolve.
Ander moved again. There could be no mistaking it. Kadai watched the raccoon pelt in his right arm squirm, watched the tiny hands open and close. His baby kicked out at him, surprisingly hard, as if to say: What the hell are you doing!?
What the hell was he doing?
Kadai looked down at the knife sticking out of his chest, the handle actually moving up and down in time with his breathing.
What the hell was he doing!?
He ripped it out and flung it against the side of their tent in horror, leaving a small red spot against the canvas. Kadai stared at that spot, breathing heavily, a warm trickle of blood flowing from the cut in his chest, seeping into his fur.
Ander started to cry then, just a soft mewling at first, but it quickly grew into strong, hard wails. Kadai looked down at his crying son, at his mouth opened wide, at his eyes squinched shut, and he thought...
This is my son. He's alive. My son is alive...
"Ka... dai...?"
It was a voice he thought he'd never hear again. Cracked and laboured, but still beautiful to his ears. "Shekka?"
She was reaching out to him, her chest slowly rising and falling as she struggled for each breath, her entire body drenched with sweat, but she was alive. His Shekka was alive."Let me see it... Let me see my baby..."
Your baby is dead. The thought intruded into Kadai's mind before he could even attempt to stop it. This was what he had prayed for, but at the same time it was his worst nightmare. His precious Shekka was still alive, but what did she wake to? He wanted to lie by her side and take her in his arms and stroke her hair as she fell asleep, just like in their happier years, but how could he do that when she was asking for their child with such intense desperation in her eyes, as if the thought of holding her newborn was the only thing keeping her alive? What would happen to her if she took a stillborn into her hands instead? What would happen if she felt its limp body in her hands, its head lolling from side to side with no life to support it?
Kadai knew what would happen. She would scream, even though she barely had enough strength left to breathe. She would scream and scream and it would shred his heart into a thousand bloody tatters. She's suffered so much already, but what else was there to do? She was still reaching out, begging to hold a baby that never was. He had to tell her. There was no other choice. "Shekka, our baby... it..."
Kadai stole a glance at their little enka, lying on the white cloth by his side. Some part of him was still hoping for a miracle, that she would begin to cry out of the blue just like her brother.
"Please, Kadai..." Shekka said, now reaching with both hands, her eyes pleading. "I want to see him... I want to hold him..."
That's when he realized Shekka had no idea they were sharing this tent with not one cub, but two. It was Ander's cries that had awoken her from her death-like slumber. It was Ander's cries that had touched the instincts only a mother knows. It was Ander's cries that had turned her away from the brink. It was Ander's cries she came to answer.
Kadai took one last look at their daughter, dead before she even came into this world, and he thought: She can't see. Shekka can't see...
"Kadai?"
Many thoughts raced through Kadai's mind in that moment, but two of them stood out brighter than all the others. He didn't want to see his mate suffer any more, and he didn't want to condemn his son to the same fate as his sister, to die before he even had a chance to earn a name. These two desires combined into a great and terrible idea, an idea that would echo in secret for the rest of their lives and into generations to come.
He knew that what he was doing was wrong. He knew that this would be the greatest sin he had ever committed, but to tell the truth would be to inflict so much pain upon those he loved, he would rather live with that sin in his heart forever, than to cause any more suffering to those around him.
"Here he is, Shekka," Kadai said, carefully passing the screaming infant into her reaching arms, moving to block her view of the horrible, silent truth that lay just beyond his back. "Here is our baby boy."
"A boy..." she whispered, slowly bringing him in to her chest. "We have another little baby boy..."
Kadai gently ran his fingers through her hair, just like he used to do when they were still courting. He leaned in close, kissed her on the cheek and said, "I thought I had lost you..."
Shekka hugged their new son close with one arm, and reached up to touch Kadai's face with the other.
"Do you feel that?" she asked, slowly caressing him with her soft touch. "I'm right here, Kadai. I'm right here..."
Kadai seized her hand and kissed it fiercely, his whole body shaking. "I feel it, Shekka."
"Good..." She looked down at the little critter snuggling against her neck and closed her eyes, breathing softly.
Kadai held her hand for a while longer and watched them lay together, a mother and a son, not related by blood. Just when he started to wonder if she had fallen asleep, she opened her eyes again.
"Shekka?"
"I'm all right. I'm just tired, that's all."
"Then you should get some rest. The Cora knows you've earned it."
"Not until I get a good look at Banno's baby brother." She sat up with some difficulty, wincing in pain.
"Don't force yourself," Kadai said, putting his hand on her back.
"I'm not... going to drop dead... Kadai..." she panted, looking down at the latest addition to their family, not realizing how heavily those words struck. "He's a big one, isn't he? Just like his brother. No wonder we had such a tough time..."
A 'tough' time? She had no idea how close she came to death, but Kadai had no intention of telling her that. In fact, he didn't trust himself to speak at all right now. As Shekka squinted at the newborn in her arms, scrutinizing every inch of his body with her milky eyes, he couldn't keep his heart from racing, couldn't keep the panicked thoughts out of his mind.
She knows that's not her son. I don't know how she knows, but she does.
"He has a unique shape to his ears. And such an odd shade of fur... so light..."
She knows!
"I don't think so," Kadai said, not liking the shaky sound of his voice at all. "It's just a regular brown. There are plenty of brown Wolves, after all."
Shekka booped their son on the nose, and smiled when he sniffed in response. "But none on your side of the family."
She had him there. All of the Wolves in his family have always been either black or grey. Not a single brown among them. Should he make up a family member? Tell her he used to have an uncle or an aunt with brown fur? Maybe one that died generations ago? But if he made a mistake, or if he was found out, she'd want to know why he would lie about something like that. She was looking at his son so thoughtfully, so pensively, with those white eyes that seemed to see everything and nothing at once. He had to say something! "I think, maybe..."
Her face suddenly lit up with recognition. "My grandfather!" she said, softly stroking the baby's head. Each time her hand passed over the tuft of fur at the top, it would spring right back up again. "He used to have brown fur. Not quite as light as this, though. Is that it, little one? Do you take after my grandfather?"
Kadai sighed a silent sigh of relief, and watched as Shekka played with a son that didn't belong to her. No, that wasn't quite right. This was her son. For better or worse, this cub was a pure Wolf now. Shekka was his mother, and Kadai was his father. That's just the way it would be.
"I can tell already, Kadai. This one is special."
"Well, of course he is."
"I'm serious. He'll grow up to do great things someday. I can feel it in my bones. You'll see. He's special."
Ander started to cry again, and Shekka held him to her bosom, rocking him back and forth, whispering her comforts. "Shh, shh, little one. There, there, I've got you. You're safe with me."
Kadai knew he shouldn't be thinking of him as 'Ander' so soon, but the name was already stuck in his head.
Ander.
He still didn't believe that was what Sarah was really saying, but dammit, with everything that had happened, it fit so perfectly. Surely, there has never been a Wolf born as 'ander' as this.
"Mother?"
Kadai looked over his shoulder and wasn't surprised in the least to see Banno peeking into their tent, his ears plastered to his head by the rain, wet and dripping. The boy's gaze kept darting between the pool of blood at his mother's feet, now well on its way to sinking into the ground, and the body of what would have been his little sister, lying on a white cloth.
Shekka turned her head in Banno's general direction, even though it was clear she couldn't see that far. "Banno, come say hello to your little brother."
Banno didn't budge. He stared at the little brown Wolf in his mother's arms from there, with most of his body still outside in the rain, then looked to his father, the expression of puzzlement and confusion on his face so clear, Kadai feared Shekka might be able sense it somehow.
"It's okay, son," he said, but lifted a finger to his lips in a silent 'shush'.
Banno nodded, then slowly made his way to his mother's side, carefully sidestepping the dried blood.
"Look, Banno," Shekka said, holding Ander up for him to see. "Our family has a dosa now. He's your little baby brother."
It looked like Banno didn't really know how to react to this. He regarded the little Wolf in the coonskin pelt with a slight frown on his face, then looked to his father again, as if to ask how he should behave in this situation.
Kadai ground his teeth together in frustration and motioned towards Ander with a jerk of the head. In other words:Just do something!
"Hello," Banno said.
Oh, for crying out loud...
Shekka seemed satisfied with this, though. She eased back, closed her eyes and said, "It's the big brother's job to protect the little brother. Do you understand, Banno?"
With Shekka's eyes closed, Kadai nodded his head furiously and mouthed, Yes! Yes!
"Yes."
"Good. I just know you two... will be... the best of friends..." Her voice was drifting away, her breaths becoming deeper. It would only be a matter of time before exhaustion claimed her. "Banno, promise me you'll look after your little brother... no matter what..."
This time he didn't need any prompting. "Yes, Mother. I promise."
"That's good... That's... good..."
Her shoulders slumped, her fingers loosened. The only movements now came from Ander, slowly going up and down as his mother's chest rose and fell. Kadai could tell she was asleep (after living with someone in the same tent for five years, you start to develop a sense for these kinds of things), and finally allowed himself a sigh of relief.
This night has been going on for far too long, and it was nowhere near finished yet. There was still so much to do, starting with...
Kadai picked up his daughter, folding the edges of the cloth around her lifeless body. She was so small, but the weight he felt in his hands was a constant reminder of how real she was. This was really happening, and he would surely burn in hell for this deception.
"Banno, come here."
The boy hurried around to his father's side, eyeing the bundle in his arms with the same suspicion he had given Ander. "Father, what's going on? Why did you hide that thing from Mother, and where did the other pup come from?"
"This is not a thing!" Kadai hissed, baring his teeth, taking a shameful joy in the sudden fright in Banno's eyes. "This is your sister! And you will speak of her with respect! Understand?"
Banno nodded.
"Good. Now come with me."
"Where are we going?"
"Just follow me. We've got work to do, and not much time to do it in."
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