Ander - Part 3: Subchapter 7
7
"I don't need to tell you what happened after that," Father said. "You already know it, and I'd rather keep that memory to myself."
Ander nodded, but what really shocked him about his father's story was Wardo's intent. He knew the trig old Wolf must have been up to something, but to try and snatch the Chieftaincy from underneath his father's nose, and with such underhanded means? He never would have suspected. Although, he had to admit, Father was the one to blame for everything. If he had stayed faithful, or if he had only been honest from the start, then none of this would have happened. But, of course, that would also mean Ander would never have been born.
The feeling was bizarre, to say the least.
"But how did you get out of it?" Ander asked. "The deal with Wardo?"
"What makes you think I got out of it?" Father replied simply. Those nine words rocked Ander to his core.
"You mean...?"
"Yes. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'm still bound by our agreement. If Wardo doesn't become Chieftain after my reign is done, he will reveal everything. Even though it's been more than twenty years, I can't let Shekka know the truth. It would destroy her."
"But..." Ander was speechless. "Dammit, Father! How could you let this go on for so long!? Surely you must have thought of something by now!?"
"Oh, I've thought of many things, boy. I thought that, maybe, if I was lucky, Wardo would drop dead before I do. Or maybe that bear would come back to finish the job of tearing his black heart out of his ribcage. It sure would have saved me many a restless night."
"But that obviously never happened."
"No, it didn't. And I couldn't just have him assassinated either. No Wolf, not even the most loyal warrior, would do something like that without first wanting to know why. I even thought of... doing the deed myself. On more than one occasion. But... you know what our tribe does to murderers. I was terrified of being caught. Considering your position, you must understand how I felt."
Ander did. The thought of what they might do to him once he left this tent made his stomach turn. It filled his mouth with the salty taste of panic and made the bile rise in his throat. Nausea washed over him like the tides, rising and falling, but never receding completely. His heart sped up even faster than the drums outside at the mere mention of what the old Wolven Laws demand must be done to those accused of murder, the greatest evil.
"That's why I felt there was only one option left open for me," Father said. "On my way back home, I decided to put a stop to it. I would end everything. I would...
*
... tell her the truth.
The thought landed softly in Kadai's mind, like a butterfly atop a sunflower, practically weightless, but shining brilliantly with its simple colours.
What if he just told Shekka everything himself? Before Wardo could? That would put an end to everything.
She'll hate me, and rightfully so. I'll lose everything. My title as Chieftain, the love of my family. Everything_._
He could see the gates just up ahead, racing towards him, even though he was walking at a snail's pace. The dead rabbit hanging by his side thumped against his knee with every step he took, a mere excuse to explain his absence.
Maybe she'll forgive me...
A hopeful, but unlikely thought. To the rest of the tribe, Shekka was proud, powerful, and terrifying. She held the power of magic in her hands and the will of the Cora in her eyes, but Kadai knew a side of her that no other has been able to glimpse, a side that most would never believe could exist.
Shekka was scared. Sometimes, in the dead of night, he would awake to the soft sound of her crying by his side, with her hands covering her face. She was scared of going completely blind. Every day her light grew dimmer, and she was terrified of never being able to see what Banno would look like when he was all grown up. On those nights he would hold her close and tell her everything would be all right, and she would weep into his chest until she fell asleep again in his arms. For those first few years, he would feel such love from her embrace, and he would give back even more, because she needed to feel loved, even if it came from only a single Wolf.
But then he met Sarah. She was completely different, but also the same, in a strange way. They both loved and needed to be loved in ways that only Kadai could provide, and he was only too glad to do so, because it made him feel like he was the most important Wolf in the world, not because he was Chieftain, but because he was Kadai.
"Not much luck today, Chieftain?" a voice drifted down from one of the watchtowers.
Kadai looked up, squinting against the sun. "What?"
"Not much luck today?" the Wolf said again and pointed at the skinny cony.
There was so much going on in Kadai's head right now he couldn't even place the Wolf's name. "No, no luck today. No luck at all."
"Well, it's no serious matter, Sai. Not like we're in the want. Things will pick up again come season's turn. They always do."
"I hope you're right."
"Open the gate!" the Wolf shouted to his friends down below on the other side of the wall. "It's the Chieftain!"
_Chieftain..._Kadai pondered the meaning of that word as the gates swung open and he stepped back into the hustle and bustle of reality, leaving his fantasy world behind. The Wolves call him 'Chieftain' and they will continue to do so for many years, but he certainly didn't feel like a Chieftain anymore. He felt like an imposter, like he didn't really deserve that title. He -
"Father! Father!"
His thoughts were interrupted by a speeding ball of pitch black fur, racing towards him with his arms outstretched. Kadai bent down, scooped him up and swung him around in one smooth motion. His ensa's screams of glee travelled from one side of the village to the other until the momentum died down and his little feet found solid ground again. "Father! Did you get anything?"
"Just a rabbit," Kadai said, fondly ruffling Banno's hair. "What about you? Caught any mountain lions? A bear, maybe?"
"Nah, but I almost got that damn lizard today! Look!" Banno rooted around in his pockets and came out with a -
Kadai didn't know whether to laugh or raise his eyebrows. Smiling from ear to ear, his son was holding out to him a severed lizard's tail. The stump was still bloody.
"If it hadn't come off in my hand, I would've had 'im!" Banno said. "You should have seen it, Father! I was so close! But next time, next time I'll get 'im for sure!"
"I'm sure you will, son," Kadai said. "Where's your mother?"
"Don't know. Haven't seen her all day."
"Well, run along, then. Go show that lizard what you're made of."
"Yes, Father!"
And with that, Banno sped off on his way back to the clump of bushes that grew against the walls on the far side of the village, a mighty hunter ready to stalk the most elusive prey.
For just a moment, Kadai almost thought he'd be able to smile again, but then he saw... no, he must be mistaken. Banno was just putting the tail back in his pocket as he ran, that's all. An odd, but perfectly boyish thing to do. But from behind, it almost looked like he was...
Sucking on it.
It's exactly that kind of behaviour that earned the pup his name, but Kadai still preferred to pretend like he didn't notice stuff like that. There's a fine line for these things, and he didn't want to think about how close his firstborn already was to crossing it at the age of four.
With a shake of the head, Kadai started on his way down the myriad of paths that snaked their way between the tents of his people. All around him, Wolves stopped what they were doing to greet him as he walked by, some with a mere bow of the head, others with a boisterous shout of "Good day to you, Chieftain!"
Kadai nodded back politely each time, grumbled his greetings as was expected, excused himself with claims of fatigue when any of them tried to discuss the 'important' issues. So many familiar faces floating by like wraiths in a dream, until he found himself staring into the empty sockets of his dearly departed mother-in-law, the breeze making her skull sway on top of the pike ever so slightly, back and forth, as if she were shaking her head in disapproval.
Shekka was probably in there right now, either mixing some remedies or praying to the Cora.
He was just about to touch the skull when he heard her voice, not from inside her private witch's den, but from their shared tent farther down. "Kadai? Is that you?" She was standing by the entrance, squinting in his direction, her eyes blinking rapidly. It pained his heart to see her like that, trying so desperately to see through the gathering darkness, even though the world was bathed in sunlight.
"It is."
Her face broke into a smile the moment she heard his voice, a rare sight these days. "Come on in! I want to talk to you."
"About what?" Kadai replied, not without trepidation, but she had already disappeared into the gloom of their tent. Now what could this be about?_he wondered. _Wardo couldn't have told her yet. That would defeat his purpose entirely. But what else could there be to talk about? She was smiling as she said it, though...
With a strange mix of curiosity and dread flowing through him, Kadai entered.
Shekka was sitting on some animal pelts with her legs crossed, a path of sunlight shining down on her from a small tear in the canvas above her head, sparkling with traces of dust. She did that often. Because she could no longer see the light, she'd settle for feeling it instead.
She looked pretty again, sitting in the sun like that. Just like how she used to be.
"Join me, Kadai," she said, motioning for him to come sit beside her.
Kadai did as she asked of him, a silent war raging in his head as he crossed the short distance between them.
Should I tell her? Should I not tell her? Should I just end it all right now?
Even as he sat down, he still couldn't make up his mind.
She's been faithful to me from the start. She deserves my honesty, but the truth could kill her, I just know it.
Even as she locked their elbows together and their fingers intertwined, even as her warmth pressed up against his side, he couldn't make up his mind.
I should just do it. I have to do it. It's the only way. It's the right way. I have to do it, no matter what...
"Shekka, I -"
"I'm pregnant."
The moment couldn't have lasted longer than a single heartbeat, but it felt much longer to Kadai, as if the world had decided to slow down time itself so that it could have nice, long laugh at his expense. The lazy pinpricks in the shaft of sunlight, the sounds outside, everything slowed down to a crawl. Even Kadai's breath got stuck in his throat. The only thing that didn't freeze was Shekka's gentle squeezing on his arm.
"Kadai?"
"Oh, um... Yes, I... I just... I was overwhelmed for a second there..."
"I know, me too!" she said and rested her head against his shoulder.
"You're pregnant? Are you sure, Shekka? I mean, are you _absolutely_sure?"
She nodded, and he could feel her cheek nestle against his fur as she did. "I'm sure. I've been late for quite a while, and I know my own body. There's no mistaking it."
"But... after Banno, we... we were so careful! You almost -"
She kissed him on the shoulder, gently, like the touch of a feather. "You don't have to worry," she said. "The first birth is always difficult, but then it gets easier. You'll see."
"I hope so, Shekka. I really do." The memories of Banno's birth were still fresh in his mind, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get them to fade. The way she screamed...
"Oh, but isn't it wonderful, Kadai? Just think of it! Banno's going to have a little brother or sister!"
"Yes... It's wonderful," Kadai said, hugging her close, suddenly terrified that she would see his face and somehow read the treachery written all over it.
'Wonderful'... Another day, another lie. Just keep lying to her forever...
Kadai wasn't able to tell her that day, or that night, or any of the days to follow.
He never would.
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