Ander - Part 3: Subchapter 5
5
Ander was expecting the inside to be pitch-black after the glare from the bonfire, but the flames still shone through every stitch and seam, even penetrating the thick animal hides with a fuzzy, orange glow. Shadows from the Wolves outside flitted across the canvas like phantoms, their shapes barely recognizable.
Father still had his head sticking outside. "Nilia," he said, "I leave this rabble to you. Don't let them get out of control, and don't let anyone near this tent."
"Of course, Chieftain. We'll all be waiting patiently."
"Good." With that, he let the flap fall shut, but he didn't turn around right away. He just stood there, idly tapping one of the support posts with his finger while Ander found a comfortable place to sit.
The atmosphere inside this place was otherwordly. Everything seemed to be caught between extremes. He could hear the Wolves talking outside, some loudly, some softly, but none clear enough to make out any words. The air was warm, almost stifling, yet Ander could feel an icy draft steal across his back every time the wind changed direction and rippled the tent's walls. Even the light itself seemed... dark, somehow. Hellish and gloomy, filtered out by the layer of dead things all around them.
Ander's eyes suddenly fell upon the thing hanging from the main support post in the middle of the tent. His old bow, broken in half, held together only by its string.
He quickly looked away before more memories of that accursed night could flood his mind. "Father," he said, unable to take this cramped silence any longer. "I mean, Chieftain. I have to tell you -"
"You met Sarah, didn't you?" Father said, finally turning around.
He didn't look so angry anymore. Just sad. And tired. And old.
Ander was shocked. He knew his father was getting on in years, of course, but he has never seen him as an old Wolf before. He always exuded far too powerful a presence to be considered anything less than the mighty Chieftain of the Wolves, protector of the tribe, great and wise.
But now? He looked like a Wolf who has been working very, very hard, and who only wanted to rest. Ander supposed losing a son could have that effect, but he sensed there was more to it than that.
"I did."
"What did she tell you?"
"Everything."
Father nodded, as if that was exactly the answer he had expected. He sighed, crossed over to where Ander was sitting and joined him with a grunt of effort, his knees popping like acorns in a fire. "I know you must have questions of your own, but I must insist you answer mine first, for my heart is heavy, and I can't stand this pain of not knowing any longer. What happened that night, Ander? What in the Cora's name happened?"
In the privacy of his tent, Kadai was a completely different Wolf to the one he played in front of the entire tribe. Out there, he was their leader. In here, he was a grieving father. Just like everyone else, he wore masks.
It was something Ander understood so well it hurt.
Being completely honest, Ander told his father everything about the night of Banno's death, leaving out no details, his voice low and sombre. It was difficult at first, reliving the memories that were still so fresh, but once he got going, he realized he needed to tell this story just as much as Father needed to hear it, perhaps even more so. And he didn't stop there. He told his father everything about his short stay with the Foxes, how they had welcomed him into their lives. He told him about meeting Sarah, and the grim tale of his own birth.
Kadai listened to all this with his elbows resting on his knees and his fingers steepled beneath his chin, only stopping his son to ask the occasional question.
When Ander was done (he was amazed by how little time it took to tell the story of everything that had completely consumed his life over the past few days), Kadai closed his eyes and sat in absolute silence for a long, long time. Long enough for Ander to wonder if maybe he had fallen asleep.
Finally, with his eyes still closed, Father said, "You're asking me to believe that Banno was a killer of Wolves."
"I didn't want to believe it either, but you weren't there, Father. You didn't hear the things he said. It was..." Ander struggled to come up with the right words. They flitted through his head one after another: disgusting, abhorrent, terrifying. All true, but none quite able to express what he had felt in Banno's final hour.
"You don't have to say any more, Ander."
"I don't?"
Father opened his eyes, but what Ander saw was not a look of denial, or disbelief, or even anger. It was much, much worse than that. It was a look of complete and total understanding.
For that first moment, Ander was so relieved. Father believed him. That meant there was still hope!
But then the true horror of this realization dawned. It rose up inside of him like the sun would rise over the Cora each morn; only a dull glow at first, shimmering just beyond the rocky peaks, and then suddenly a blinding flash of searing, white light.
Banno was the favourite son. He was the strongest, the fiercest, the most worthy. There was no way Father would believe him to be a murderer so easily. Not unless...
"You knew...?" Ander said, his voice barely more than a whisper. "You knew all this time? And you did nothing!?"
"I did not know," Kadai said. "But..."
"But?"
He sighed. "I remember Vallah. Probably better than anyone, save for her parents, Mellah and Sorrin. She was the only child they ever had, and I felt like it was my fault she went missing. As the Chieftain, everyone looks to me for protection, and yet one of our own disappeared right underneath our noses. I was sure I could find her. I was sure it would only be a matter of time, but... the days turned into nights, the nights turned back into days again, and there was still no sign of her."
Even though Ander feared where this story might lead, he couldn't bring himself to say anything. His father's words held a dreadful kind of fascination for him, something not fully understood, but felt. These were the words of a Wolf who had known the terrible truth before anyone else and chose to ignore it, but these were also the words that would confirm every bone-chilling thought Ander's older brother had ever given him.
And, even more important, they would confirm that he was never alone in thinking them.
"In all my years of being Chieftain, breaking the news to Vallah's parents was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, but having Banno there made it easier. I found it strange, the way he insisted on coming with me, but I thought... Dammit, I thought he cared, in his own, hidden way."
I remember the look on her parents' faces when Father told them we still couldn't find her... Banno's voice, whispering in his ear, even clearer than his father's, who was sitting within arm's reach. It was as if he was still here, inside this very tent with them, reliving that moment once again, even from beyond his cold, wet grave.
"When I told them... Mellah, she..."
The way her mother just... went to pieces...
"... there was no consoling her. Sorrin tried his best to comfort her, of course, but he was in just as much pain as she was, and... the way she broke down, I literally feared for her life. I've never seen a Wolf cry like that..."
I could smell her tears...
"That's when I looked at Banno, and what I saw... I didn't want to believe it. I managed to convince myself over the years that I couldn't have seen what I thought I saw. I was under a lot of stress. My mind must have been playing tricks on me. But after hearing your story, Ander, I can't lie to myself any longer. I looked at Banno and I saw..."
They were the same as her daughter's...
"He was smiling." Father said this with a note of incredulity, as if he still couldn't believe it. Maybe some part of him was trying to go back to the blissful ignorance he had built up in his mind. It would certainly make things easier, but Ander knew it was too late for that. Once you got a glimpse of what lay beneath Banno's mask, it was impossible to unsee, even for a loving father. "Mellah sank down to her knees and cried, and Sorrin went down with her and put his arms around her shoulders and he whispered something in her ear and... and Banno... I'm not sure about this, but it looked like he was... smelling_them? He took this deep breath, but slow, like he didn't want anyone to notice. I thought maybe it was just his way of holding his emotions back, just as I was trying to do, but then... that _smile. It was there and gone in less than a second, just the ghost of it dancing around the corner of his mouth before it got quelled, but in that instant... I think it must have been the exact same smile you saw, Ander, but held back." Father's hands were shaking now. "I was so shocked I almost said something right there, but then Sorrin was begging me not to call off the search just yet, and I had to tell him that very few of the Wolves still held any hope for their daughter, and when I turned back to Banno, he was just gone. It's scary, the way he could just vanish like that, as if he was never really there in the first place."
Ander knew what his father was talking about all too well. Banno was big, but he was also supernaturally stealthy when the need called.
"That whole week was a quiet hell for me," Father said. "I came close to confronting him about it so many times, but I never did. I don't know if it was my courage that failed me, or the love for my son that triumphed over my suspicion, but eventually I just... forced myself to forget all about it. Or at least I thought I had. But now..." He ran a hand across his tired face, as if he was trying to wipe it all away. "Now you tell me that my Banno not only killed Vallah, but was planning to kill you, too. Even Hezzi, when the opportunity arose. Do you have any idea how ludicrous that sounds, Ander? How... blasphemous? You'll never be able to convince anyone outside this tent of your innocence."
"Probably," Ander admitted. The Judgement of a Wolf is for the whole tribe to decide. Not even the Chieftain could hold much sway if every Wolf screamed for blood.
"Then why did you come back here, Ander? Why in the Cora's name didn't you stay with the Foxes? They could have offered you at least some kind of protection, couldn't they?"
"You don't understand, Father. There are many reasons I decided to come back, but saving my own hide wasn't one of them."
"Then why? Tell me!"
"Because I believe you and the other Wolves need to hear the truth. Especially Hezzi. I knew I hurt him deeply, but seeing him again tonight, I had no idea it... It's like he isn't even the same Wolf anymore..."
"Oh, so you think telling him that not one, but both his brothers were murderers will fix him right up?"
"Better for him to hear the truth than to grow up believing a lie! Like I had to!"
"Shh! Keep your voice down! You think I wanted it to happen that way? I had no choice!"
"Yes you did! There's always a choice, and you chose to hide the truth!"
"You don't understand!"
"Then explain it to me!" Ander looked his father in the eye, an unannounced test of wills. He could feel his heart hammering away in his chest, could feel the air pass through his nostrils in long, shuddering flows, barely held in check. Even though all they've been doing was sitting quietly, shout-whispering at each other, it felt like he was in the middle of a battle, a battle that was draining him of all his energy, both physical and mental. "There's a good chance I might die tonight, Father. Sarah revealed so much to me, but there were things she couldn't possibly know, because she wasn't there. I have seen the truth, but only from one side. Please, Father. Don't let me go without seeing all of it. I need to know."
Kadai sighed and dropped his eyes to the ground. "So that's it? All of this sprouts from some crazed obsession for the truth? You want to hear the truth, you want to tell the truth... Well, I've got news for you, Ander. Truth isn't always the pure, sparkling piece of white magic you seem to believe it is. The truth can be ugly. The truth can be cruel. Sometimes, lying is a mercy. You wouldn't be alive today without it."
"It's strange, to hear you talk of mercy, Father. After you sentenced Kiana to death, even though you once loved a Fox just like her -"
Kadai looked up sharply. "You shut your mouth! You know nothing of what I felt for Sarah, so don't you dare speak as if you do! You have no idea what it felt like, to be trapped and bound by my title! It was a cage with more bars and chains and locks than anything Wardo could construct, even with all the metals in the world! Seeing that Fox was like plunging a dagger into an old scar that never really healed, and I had to stand there the whole time, pretending like it was nothing. You think I really wanted to have her killed? You think that as Chieftain I have free reign to do whatever I want? No! I was bound! As Chieftain, I have to do what's best for the tribe, even if it pains me to do so! I had to call for her death because that's what the entire tribe wanted. Didn't you think it odd that I would open the floor for voting, even though I could have ordered her death on the spot? I thought that maybe, if I could get the rest of the family to vote against it, I could justify letting her go..."
Ander's eyes widened in sudden understanding. "That's why you called on Hezzi. You knew he would vote for her to live, didn't you?"
"I knew he would vote the same as you, just as I knew Banno would vote for her death. But I made a huge mistake with your mother. I thought she would see the killing of a Fox as terrible bad luck. I thought she wouldn't want to risk bringing a curse down on all our heads, but I misjudged her beliefs. I never imagined she would call for her to be sacrificed. We've never sacrificed anything other than wild animals to the Cora before, so I assumed..." Father looked away, his eyes focussed on nothing. His brow creased, and his jaws worked back and forth, as if worrying an imaginary bone. "I thought I could have it both ways. I thought I could go with the popular choice, but still spare myself the burden of having that vixen's blood on my hands. But we all know how that turned out. When Shekka said, 'Burn her,' I wanted to take it all back, but it was already too late. Too late... always too late..."
Kadai's eyes slowly swivelled back to Ander's, a pair of dark orbs with only the faintest of orange glimmers flowing across their surface in twin curves of flame. "That vixen," he said. "She's the real reason you came back, isn't she?"
"I..." How was Ander supposed to explain this? The acceptance he found with the Foxes, that sense of belonging. It would be like trying to describe the sound of music to the deaf.
Kiana... she made him feel like everything would turn out all right in the end, as long as she was living in the same world he was, because how could the world be a dark place when there was someone who cared so deeply for you? If the memory of her face was enough to drive away all the bad things that had ever happened to you, if the knowledge that everything in your life up until the moment you met is what allowed that precious moment to take place, then what did that mean? It meant that everything was good. Everything was right. Everything was as it should be.
As long as she existed in the same world.
"You love her," Father said.
"What?"
"I can see it in your face. You were thinking of her just now. That Fox you saved, 'Kiana.' It's the same look I wore every time I thought about -"
There his words cut off, and for a while there were no sounds save for the drumming outside, slowly but surely increasing their pace. The Wolves outside started dancing to the beat once again, their shadows darting from one side of the tent to the other, turning both their faces into alternating flashes, not of light and dark, but of dark and even darker.
They were all waiting patiently, waiting for Ander to come out and face his Judgement.
"You were right, Ander," Kadai said. "I made you live a lie, but by the Cora, I won't allow you to die with it. You really want to know how your life came to be?"
Ander nodded. "I do."
"Then I shall grant you what may be your final wish. I'll tell you everything, even if it means I'll have to relive the most painful night of my life, the night you came to me, wrapped in the arms of the dead..."
"The dead? What are you...?"
"Time is short, so I won't repeat what Sarah already told you, but the beginning of the end came for both of us on the same day, the day we were found out by -
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