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As the weeks passed by, nothing changed between us despite the fact that I kissed him... I thought things would inevitably change between us because that always happened whenever I did something I wasn't too sure about... But not between us, not between our friendship and the way we looked at each other... It's great... But there was just this one little thing I wanted to change but was rather scared to let him know about it. And I know I've always told others that changes can be a good thing... But I simply forgot, because from my experience, no good ever came out of it...

'Hey Ceylan, how are you?' 'Hi! I'm doing okay, how are you?' 'I'm doing well, thanks. You're probably looking for Blain, aren't you?' 'Hehe, yeah... Uhm... Is he here?' 'Yeah, he's downstairs in the basement.' 'Oh, I see... Uhm...' 'You can go see him if you like.' On a warm, Saturday afternoon, I ringed the doorbell at Blain's house where his sister answered the door. Esmeralda kept smiling at me so I got inside the house. She opened the door of the basement and I carefully walked down the stairs. I heard loud Drum & Bass music coming from downstairs and as I made my way, I looked to my left and stopped on the stairs... Blain's back was facing me and I saw him jabbing and kicking his punch bag... So much power with every jab he gave... His chest looked as if it got chiselled out of a rock formation or something... His arms and legs were so muscled... But he was too busy to notice me... I just stood there on the stairs and leaned on the railing while I watched him with a bit of a dreamy smile on my face... He had such an incredible body and looked so much different than he used to... Blain wasn't the kind of guy who was a fanatic bodybuilding with a strict diet and protein shakes and I knew I was gonna face-palm myself later on for thinking it but it was so incredibly sexy to have seen him like that... It wasn't the first time I saw him like that but I've always liked looking at him whenever he was shirtless... It got me captivated that day... Blain grabbed a towel from a chair and wiped his forehead while grabbing a bottle of water. He chucked it down fast and it was empty within no time... He stopped dead in his tracks the moment he noticed me and he had a huge smile on his face... He then walked up to his radio and turned it off... 'Hey, Ceylan!' 'Hi...' 'How long have you been watching?' 'Long enough, I suppose... That looked really impressive...'

I continued making my way down and sat down on one of the plastic chairs there. He threw his towel on the table and then sat next to me. 'How's your eye doing...?' 'It healed well. Kept it regularly cool with an ice-pack for the last couple of weeks. It's almost gone now.' 'Does it still hurt?' 'Naaaah... Still a little purple but it'll heal.' 'Hehehe... My arm itches like hell but I'm not allowed to scratch it.' 'From the healing process?' 'That too, but also because of the fur growing back. Right now, there's a bald spot which looks really weird... Luckily, the scar will almost be unnoticeable once my fur grows back.' 'Hehe... My fur isn't as thick as yours... Mine will always be visible.' 'How do you feel about it when you see your scars...? I mean, from the way you got them...?' 'I don't know, it actually looks cool.' 'Hehe...' 'Like I'm a bad-ass MMA fighter or something.'

I placed my hand on his chest and gently felt his scar... It's pink and had a really soft, smooth feel to it... 'Does it hurt when I touch it...?' 'No, I can't feel it. It's numb...' 'Heh... The thought of what happened to you back there really scares me...' 'The fragmentation went straight through my vest. That's how powerful the blast was...' 'Yeah... And then those guys... So many things happened to you and, uhm... I just...' 'Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.' 'Heh...' 'I'm more worried about you. You still seem so upset about it...' 'It wasn't the fight itself or that I hurt the guy that moved me... It's more along the lines that it happened for being a feline...' 'Hm-mm...' 'And uhm... I saw what people can do when they carry misplaced hatred for someone during the genocide... That's what really moves me...' 'But it felt good, didn't it?' 'What do you mean...?' 'To do something to get back at them?' 'Heh...' 'You said that you weren't able to do anything back then... And now you finally could...' 'I know I'm not supposed to say that... And I know should be better than that but... Yes... Yes, it really did feel good... And I'm not sorry for what I did...' 'Hehehe... You shouldn't be...' 'And I'll do it again if I see you or anyone else I care about is being hurt...' 'We both have to testify next week...' 'Are you nervous...?' 'No... No, I'm not... You?' 'A little...' 'It'll be fine...'

Blain looked at me and smiled while pinching my shoulder as a reassuring gesture... He placed his empty bottle of water on the small table behind him and got hold of his phone instead. 'By the way, I wanna show you something.' 'Oh?' 'Yeah. Did you know we're on YouTube?' 'YouTube?' 'Yeah! One of the bystanders filmed the whole thing. A friend of mine told me it was on YouTube.' 'Really...?' 'Here, lemme show ya.' 'You got a new phone?' 'Yeah, it's the Galaxy SII, picked it up two days ago. Still need to get used to this... YouTube, Youtube... Oh, there it is. I've kept the video in my favourites.'

Blain started the application and scrolled through his favourites. He came across a video entitled "Tigress takes down two guys!" and at first, I thought it couldn't be me... But the moment Blain played the video, I saw it was definitely us. The video started when Jason punched Randy to the ground... And then Blain rushed in to help him, pushing Jason away... Jason swung at Blain and that's when he got ready to defend himself... Two of Jason's friends rushed in and that's when Blain got hit in the face. I could hear the commentary of those bystanders... 'Ooooooh!!' 'Oh man, that just ain't right, man. He's only defending his girl.' 'What the hell, is she going in there??' 'Dude, this is really getting out of hand. We'd better call the police.'

Blain quickly recovered and moved away from them to create some space, watching their every movement. The camera then turned to me and I saw myself running towards them on bare feet, slapping one of those guys on the back of his head while another guy charged at Blain but he pulled a dollyeo chagi on him and round-house kicked him in the face, knocking him down... 'Holy shit, did you see that?!' 'Haha, they've fucked with the wrong guy!'

The guy I hit turned to me and pushed me down and I fell but I quickly got up and hit him in the face with a palm strike, which disoriented him... Locking his arm underneath my armpit and kicked the back of legs to take him down... But he turned and took another swing at me... And that's when I let go of him and punched him in the torso with all of my strength, knocking all the air out of his lungs and he collapsed to the ground, wheezing and gasping for air... 'Oh shit! Oooooh shit!! He's down! She knocked him down good! He got knocked the fuck out!' 'Girl's got some fighting spirit!'

The camera then focused back on Blain who was distracted when he saw me running towards Jason and got hit in the face again... Blain stumbled backwards and looked so disoriented, trying to find his balance... And that's when Jason pulled the knife from under his jacket and started approach him... I ran towards them and jabbed Jason in the waist to distract him from Blain... That's when Jason turned to me instead... 'Ceylan, watch out!!'

Jason slashed at me, and I managed to dodge him... When Jason slashed at me again, I kicked his arm with all of my strength which caused him to drop the knife... Locking his arm underneath my arm-pit and kicked his waist... I kicked his legs to take him down on his stomach with his face on the pavement... And then I quickly got on top of him to make sure he wouldn't get up... 'Dude, that's a fucking knife he was holding, man!' 'Whooooohoohoohoohoo!! Yeeeeah! Ain't nobody's gonna fuck with your man!' 'I think she's bleeding, guys...' 'What the fuck...'

The video showed me pinning Jason down to the ground while he was swearing and cursing at me... You didn't see how his arm got dislocated from a distance. Once the fight was over, people started to go towards us and that's when it ended. It's strange because the video only lasted for like, six minutes or so but it seemed like the fight was a lot longer than that... 'It feels weird seeing it back...' 'Haha, but you were fucking awesome, Ceylan... If anyone is ever giving you a hard time, show them this video to let them know that they shouldn't mess with you.' 'Hehe...' 'Why'd you ever stop practicing Tae Kwon Do?' 'College and everything... Just didn't found the time anymore...' 'You've always loved it...' 'I did, yeah...' 'It was quite impressive watching you practice all the time...' 'Hm-mm....' 'Hehehe... Come on, show me some kicks.' 'What, right now?' 'Well, yeah!' 'I might be a little rusty...' 'Haha, bullshit, don't be so modest. Come on!' 'Alright then...'

I took my flip-flops off and got in front of the punching bag while Blain stood behind to hold it. I took on a Kyorugi joonbi stance which resembles how a boxer would take when fighting in the ring. 'Show me yeop chagi.' 'Hehe, okay...' 'Don't hold back.'

A yeop chagi is a side thrusting kick, which is a very powerful one. You raise your knee and simultaneously rotate your body ninety degrees and while doing that, extend your leg. You can strike with the outside edge of your foot or your heel, which gives more force to your attack. So I stood on one leg and raised my knee to build up power and released it with all of my strength the moment I turned my body, hitting the punch bag with a tremendous force... Blain was barely able to hold the punch bag and stumbled backwards a little and he was a little baffled at first but seeing me in action quickly sparked that fanatic enthusiasm in him. His enthusiasm is highly contagious and carries you along when you got exposed to it... So I couldn't help but to smile when I saw him so worked up about it... 'Hahaha, yeeeeah! That's what I'm talking about! Goddamn, you've got some serious lethal pair of legs, man!' 'Hehehe...' 'I've never really mastered the kicks like you did.' 'Well, you've always been better with the hand strikes...' 'Blain! I'll be off to the office now! Mom and dad should be home in two hours, okay?!'

The two of us looked at the stairs and saw Esmeralda standing at the top, all neatly dressed like a business woman. And she was smiling down on us when she saw the two of us standing there. 'Alright! Good luck with your presentation!' 'Thanks! Love you, sweetheart!' 'Love you too!' 'Oh and Ceylan? Don't rough him up too bad, okay?' 'Haha, will do!' 'Bye!' 'See ya!'

Esmeralda turned out walked up the stairs again. Several moments later, we heard the door got shut and I realized the two of us were all alone now... If there ever was a moment for me to tell him, this was it... I thought things would be different once we had the house all to ourselves but oddly enough, that wasn't the case... It was a chance for me I wasn't willing to take... 'Really sweet girl but sometimes she still thinks I'm twelve years old.' 'She's your big sister, it's her job to look after you...' 'Yeah... I know...' 'Hehe...' 'She's the greatest though...' 'Hmm...' 'Come on, let's have another go.' 'What?' 'Come on, man...' 'Alright then...'

Blain tossed a pair of boxing gloves to me while getting a pair of jab pads for himself while we stepped back on the mat. I stood across him when Blain held his hands up high... He asked me to show several kicking techniques, which I did. But at some point, he asked me to do a kick that was rather difficult to master... 'Show a me dwit chagi, Ceylan.' 'Okay... You ready?' 'Yeah, I'll block.'

A dwit chagi is a back-kick where you turn your body away from the target and push the back leg straight towards it, hitting it with your heel while watching over the shoulder. The turning motion helps to give this kick a lot of power but without proper care, you can easily spin out and lose your balance. And guess what? That's exactly what happened... Blain was laughing his ass off when he saw me on the ground dumbstruck... And that's when I quickly got back up on my feet, feeling a little embarrassed... 'Hahahaha!! Man! I should've recorded that!' 'Come on, gimme a break...! I haven't practiced in ages...!' 'Sah boo nim would've face-palmed himself if he ever saw that!' 'Haha! ... Jerk.' 'Hahahaha!' 'Like that never happened to you!' 'Yeah but I at least I span out of control in style! You just dropped like a sack of potatoes, man!' 'I used to drop you like a sack of potatoes all the time whenever we were sparring against each other!' 'Oh! Oooh! I see, going on that tour, huh?!' 'Definitely!' 'Haha! Wasn't really that fair, was it? Picking on a little guy? You were way taller than me back then!' 'Hey, I used to bend through my knees, just for you! Everyone else placed you on a chair!' 'Haha! Piss off, man!' 'Remember how you used to run in the fields and you were giggling because the grass tickled underneath your armpits?' 'Okay, that's it! You and me, let's go!' 'Haha, awww, isn't that cute, he still thinks he can me on!' 'It wouldn't be the first time I took you down!' 'Haha! And I suppose taking on a girl would definitely proof your manhood!' 'Hahahaha! You kidding me?! You're twice the man than I am!' 'Oh!! Ooooooh! You're in for it now!' 'Hehehehe, bring it!'

We always made fun of each other... Those midget jokes didn't really catch on anymore because he's a lot more taller than he used to be... But I'm still bi-sexual and he still made those butch jokes... And like I said before, it always was in good fun... It's not like we were going around each other's back to make the other look bad in front of other people... We can take a joke and it was hilarious most of the time... So weren't taking any of it seriously... Nevertheless, I still had to kick his ass gently for making fun of me... Blain took off his jab pads and tossed it aside while grabbing a pair of boxing gloves from the table instead... We put it on and bowed to each other while looking at the floor, as it denotes respect. Tae Kwon Do rules of ethics states that you should respect your opponents, and we definitely didn't, seeing the way how we were making fun of each other... But this is different, seeing as we're not in the dojang, which means the practice gym. And encase you're wondering why some words and techniques are pronounced in Seongnam: It is vital to learn the language, seeing as it shows respect to the nation and culture that developed the art Blain and I studied. By studying another language, we show our willingness to accept another culture. That doesn't mean my pronunciation is right. It is downright terrible because of my first language and accent... Anyway, Tae Kwon Do isn't merely a sport, but a way of life and its philosophy is something I've always found particularly interesting... Even outside the dojang, we must pay respect and bow whenever we see our sah boo nim, which means instructor. It is customary to do so because it's a way of life and not temporarily. But Blain and I both stopped practicing and even though we both respect the ethics of Tae Kwon Do up to this day, we were not in the dojang that day and our instructor was not there that day to discipline us whenever we didn't take things seriously... We were just having fun, like we used to when we were little...

We've had our fun but when the two of us sparred against each other, that's when we took things seriously... Watching each other's every move, while giving a confident grin every once in a while... We punched, kicked and jabbed each other as we both tried to block but I could see that Blain was holding himself way back whenever he attacked... Earlier, Blain went full out on that punch bag and if he hit me in the face with even half of that strength he put into that, it probably would've knocked me out... Somewhere, he just knew that I was holding back myself because my kicks weren't nearly as powerful as before... I suppose we just didn't want to hurt each other... I used to grapple him and throw him off balance but he sure as hell wasn't a push-over... He's a lot more stronger now and I had a hard time to do so... When I finally did got hold of him, he countered me and threw me over his shoulder, making me land on my back... He got startled when he saw me down and quickly helped to get me back up but I wasn't hurt... I told him I'm a big girl and that I'm not that fragile... So we continued for another while until Blain managed to throw me off balance, but I held on to him... It made us loose our balance and fell down... I fell down on my back again, while Blain fell on top of me... He landed on his elbows to make him not fall directly on me... And it was kind of awkward... Me, down on my back with my legs spread and him on top of me... I looked in his eyes while I giggled nervously and felt my cheeks turning red... Feeling the butterflies... Almost an arousing feeling went through my stomach... We stayed like that for a moment, staring at each and I could swear I felt something growing between my legs... And you and I both know that wasn't me... I bit my upper lip and started to laugh nervously but then Blain quickly got up and coughed, looking a little embarrassed while he turned around... Several moments later, he turned around again and reached out a hand to help me get up, still looking a bit embarrassed and his cheeks turning red... And it was really cute to have seen him like that... 'I'm sorry, uh... That's, uhm...' 'Hehehe...' '... Not a word, Ceylan.' 'Awww...' 'Uhm... I think I'm gonna call it a day...' 'It's okay...' 'I don't wanna hear it... God, that's so fucking embarrassing...'

Blain was embarrassed for a while, I can tell you that... But so was I, really... The two of us went to the living-room and I stayed there while he took a quick shower... We didn't mention it anymore and I wasn't gonna joke about it because it made me feel that I would take things too far... Poor guy... He came back after about fifteen minutes, dressed in a black tank-top and grey jogging-trousers and I could see that he still felt embarrassed about it... I just went on like nothing ever happened and I talked to him about other stuff instead... It took a while before he relaxed because he might've expected a snappy remark about it but I continued where we left off, like nothing ever happened... But that didn't mean that I forgot...

It actually made me think about it that night... It was awkward... Strange... And I suppose the both of felt rather embarrassed after that... It made me remember the things we used to do... But maybe that was the reason why it also got me so intrigued... It's something entirely different from what we usually do... And normally, we're not lying on top of each other... But all these little things that happened only made me think more about it than I already did... Perhaps I was thinking too much about it... About my secret feelings for him and what it was supposed to mean... And it's strange, because it wasn't love... Sure, I loved him from the bottom of my heart as a friend... But I saw him cringe every time I mentioned that... I started to cringe as well whenever he said that I'm a good "friend"... I suppose the two of us wanted to be more than that... But neither of us had the courage to actually give in to it... To speak up my mind and let him know what he really means to me... We both didn't want a relationship but I think we still wanted more than that... Not necessarily with each other but who else would accept that...? When someone is madly in love with you while you only want to snuggle and sleep with each other occasionally, do you honestly believe they would go along with it once you tell them the truth about how you feel about them? No, of course not... Because their feelings are not the same as yours... It made me realize that was the reason why all of my relationships failed... Samantha only wanted sex with me while I was madly in love with her... Terry was madly in love with me but with everything that happened, it had me wondering if I ever truly loved him equally... Things go wrong when two people aren't levelled with each other... And that's always been the issue... But Blain and I always were on the same level with everything... And I thought it wouldn't be any different if I told him about my feelings for him...

I wanted so much more than friendship... Someone to hold, someone to kiss... To feel an arm around you at night... But all of my relationships failed miserably and I know that I'm the one to blame... I did and said things to them that they didn't deserve... One thing led to another and it made me realize that others were not the cause of my feelings being hurt... I was hurting myself and others I cared the most about... And all I wished for was that I could be so much more than that... To make a difference in someone else's life... To actually mean something, to have a purpose... My attempts always failed miserably because I might've tried too hard... But it was different with Blain because he shared the same thoughts about it that I had, judging by the conversations we had... Because love comes in many ways... I wanted so much more with Blain without risking our friendship... The question was, could we still be friends if I ever gave in to it...? I figured I had to tell him sooner or later, before I would do anything that would risk everything I've ever had with him... I just didn't know how...