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Despite Blain's best efforts to help me forget about Nikki, I still had a hard time to accept the break-up. Even though I still had many questions about her and what was truly happening, something told me it was best not to know. It made me feel that Nikki was eventually pushed into a corner with no chance of escape. It made her break down and wanted to give up on anything just so that things would turn back to normal for her. Even if that meant that she had to give up on me... At times like these, you'll get to know when someone is worth the trouble you're going through... And I'll be honest; I'm not an easy girl to be around with but neither was Nikki... In the end, I was blaming it on myself... To have done and said things that hurt her feelings deeply... No one can turn back time to undo your mistakes... I wasn't able to... But neither was Nikki... I knew what she did... I knew she was confused about it... I saw it in her eyes and how insecure she became because of it... So full of shame... But it's so strange to know what she did... Because ever since I knew, Nikki never looked the same through my eyes ever again... Somewhere, deep down inside, she knew that... There was so much going on with her but with me as well... We did things we're not proud of... We've hurt each other's feelings while we weren't even realizing it... Eventually, she said that it was best that we had to go our separate ways for a while... It gave me hope that things would get better... But all of that shattered to pieces with just one phone-call...

Nikki wasn't mad at me when I confessed to her that I slept with another girl... It made her more insecure than she already was about us... Thinking that she wasn't good enough for me... She always had the impression that she could never give me what I need and to make me happy... Cheating on her only confirmed what she was feeling all along... Which is why she removed herself from the picture... To give me a chance to find someone who could truly make me happy... I know what's that like, I've been there too... I understand why she gave up on us... But neither of us wanted to... I tried to live with the idea that our break-up was for the best... But that didn't ease the pain I felt... It made me feel hollow and empty on the inside, now more than ever...

'I love you, Jack...' 'Don't you do that, don't say your good-byes... Not yet, do you understand me...?' 'I'm so cold...' 'Listen, Rose... You're gonna get out of here, you're gonna go on and you're gonna make lots of babies, and you're gonna watch them grow... You're gonna die an old... an old lady warm in her bed, not here, not this night... Not like this, do you understand me...?' 'I can't feel my body...' 'Winning that ticket, Rose, was the best thing that ever happened to me... it brought me to you... And I'm thankful for that, Rose... I'm thankful... You must do me this honour... Promise me you'll survive... That you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless... Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise...' 'I promise...' 'Never let go...' 'I'll never let go, Jack... I'll never let go...'

This scene always had me... The part where Jack dies and Rose lives on to fulfil her promises to him... It's been three weeks after Nikki and I broke up and I filled my days by staying in my room, watching romantic movies while stuffing myself with large buckets of Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough while feeling sorry for myself... And while I was shoving a spoon in my mouth, the tears were rolling down my cheeks and I started to cry... Well, I was kind of messed up because of our break-up so I was an emotional wreck and it didn't took much to make me weep... Watching sad romantic movies only added to that... I was feeling sorry for myself and well... I was a pathetic mess to say the least... Watching romantic movies didn't actually help, because they always had a happy end...

I heard a quiet knock on my bed-room door and a short moment later, the door opened up... I paused the movie and looked up to see who it was... 'Hey!' 'Hi Blain...' 'Everything alright?' 'Oh, well you know... This and that and...' '... And?' 'I just... You know...' 'You still miss her...' 'Heh... I just got my setbacks every once in a while...' 'You wanna talk about it?' 'There's not much else to say, really... I still feel shitty about it and well... Heh, here I am...' 'Man, look at you, you've got ice-cream all over your face.'

Blain sat next to me and stared at my TV... He frowned when he saw a dead Jack sinking to the bottom of the ocean and got hold of my DVD case where I kept all the movies I've downloaded from the internet... Most of them were action movies and such, seeing as I really like those but also a shitload of romantic movies... 'Oh come on... Bridget Jones Diary? Broke Back Mountain? Pride and Prejudice??' 'Yeah...?' 'Dude, seriously...' 'I just don't feel like going out...' 'So sitting here in your room all day is gonna make you feel better?' 'No...'

I sighed quietly and placed the bucket of ice-cream on the nightstand next to my bed. Blain saw the look in my eyes and gently wiped a tear away from my cheek... And then I started to cry my eyes out and flew my arms around him, resting my head on his shoulder... Blain puts his arm around my shoulder and gently caressed my cheek... 'Listen...' 'Hm...?' 'When Rachel and I broke up, I felt shitty too, you know. But after a few days, I realized how much better off I was without her.' 'I thought you broke up with her because she was a huge cun-... I mean, uhm...' '... That too, yes.' 'Heh, I'm sorry...' 'No, it's okay. Anyway, then I started to think why I even started a relationship with her. And then it struck me...' 'You stayed with her because of her "wonderful personality"...?' 'No, the sex was fucking awesome.' '... Oh.' 'But then I asked myself if that really made me happy.' 'Did it...?' '... Yes.' 'Hehehe...' 'But as much of a control freak she was, she never let me do things of my own. Remember how she tried to wedge us apart back then?' 'Yeah... She became pissed at me for hanging out with you.' 'Exactly, she was jealous of you. Aaaaand at some point, you gotta weigh the pro's against the cons, you know?' 'Hm-mm...' 'I mean, It made me fucking miserable that she was always on my lip, having a bitch fit every time I wanted to do something of my own. Sooooo I had to choose between my friends or awesome sex with Rachel.' 'Hehe... So you chose for your friends...' 'Exactly. All of a sudden, I felt much better once she disappeared. Sure, I didn't get laid in well over two years but...' 'Hehe...' 'What I'm trying to say is... Nicole sounds like a great girl with all the stories you've told about her... But it needs to come from both ways.' 'Yeah but... She's pretty much the only girl I've ever fell in love with who's feelings were mutual... And as always, I fucked up and, uhm... Heh...' 'Did she really made you happy...?' 'I'd like to think that she could...' 'But she didn't.' 'No...' 'Which is why its time to start thinking about yourself now.' 'Perhaps...' 'You've thought about her feelings for so long and look where that got you.' 'You're right...' 'Of course I am.' 'Heh...' 'And I know you love her, I know she means a lot to you but is it really all worth it?' 'Uhm... I've uh... Always had the feeling that she kept me around on a leash and... So many things about her are contradicting that it actually makes me wonder if I really know her...' 'Hm...' 'I get the feeling that she never was ready to be in a relationship... And I suppose her orientation also plays a part in that, being so confused about it... Not just about us but also about herself... The thing is, she never talked about the things that were going through her head... I always had to guess what was going on and drag it out of her where I usually got angry or sad...' 'Hm...' 'It makes me feel as if I've put too much pressure on her and that it took its toll on her...' 'And then all of a sudden, she broke up with you during a telephone call...' 'Yeah... She did...' 'Forget her, Ceylan. She really isn't worth it if she treats you like that.' 'Perhaps...' 'You've gotta move on, you know... Life is not like a Disney movie...'

I sighed quietly and wiped the tears out of my face... When I let go of him, Blain smiled at me and I just smiled right back at him, realizing that he was right... 'Thank you...' 'Anytime... Let's get out of the house and do something.' 'Heh... What do you have in mind?' 'We'll see. But first, I gotta go get some stuff.' 'Stuff?' 'Yes, "stuff"...' 'Oh, that kind of stuff.' 'Hm-mm...' 'You're not overdoing any of that shit, are you?' 'Naaah... Figured we could hang out tonight somewhere and smoke a blunt, you and me.' 'Hehe... Let's go...' 'Wipe that ice-cream of your muzzle first.' 'Oh yeah...'

I suppose it was time to man the fuck up and stop feeling sorry for myself. After all, the fact that Nikki broke up with me during a phone-call said enough about her. Talking to Blain did help as it made me realize how much I was overreacting... It did made me feel a lot better but you know, like I said... It's over, time to move on... Nikki doesn't give a shit anymore so why should I? It was best to just get out of the house and do some fun things together with Blain instead just so that I could focus on something else. I knew it would do me good... So with that, I quickly freshened up and headed downstairs...

Blain and I drove to downtown Ravello, to a neighbourhood called Normount. It wasn't exactly a classy neighbourhood. It reminded me a lot like a ghetto. People from all different kinds of ethnics lived there, all of them with there own cultures and languages... But still, I didn't really like driving there... 'You hang out here regularly, Blain?' 'It's not as bad as it looks. Sure, there are a few rotten apples but most people are very friendly, even friendlier than the people you encounter in other neighbourhoods.' 'Hmm...' 'Just don't start any shit.' 'Ah...' 'Haha, why, are you worried you're getting carjacked here?' 'Naaah... This place has seen better days.' 'Yeah... Oh, take a left here.' 'Okay... So... Where is it?' 'It's right up there, you can park up front.'

After I took a left, we came across a small mall which had a baker, a butcher, a little supermarket, a café and several other small stores. There weren't many people around but in front of that pub, a small group of people were outside talking and laughing. Once I parked my car, I looked around but I didn't see anything that could possibly hint where you could buy cannabis, weed, marihuana or whatever... I figured some shifty character would come over to us, knock on the window and quickly sell us stuff before the police would show up... So I stayed seated... 'So uh... You're gonna meet someone here or...?' '... No, we're going inside.' 'Where?' 'There! That coffee-shop right there.' 'Coffee shop?' 'Yeah, Clayton's uncle's place.' 'Oooooh...' 'Haha, honestly, what'd you think was gonna happen?' 'Yeah, uhm... I don't know...' 'Come on, let's go.' 'Okay...' 'Oh, Ceylan?' 'Yeah?' 'Remember, if he's offering you a brownie, don't accept it.' 'Why not?' 'Because he stuffs it with so much marihuana it'll knockdown an entire football team.' '... Ah. Good to know.'

So the two of us got out of the car and after I locked the doors, Blain and I headed inside. And it actually surprised me once I got inside... The placed looked like an ordinary café, with quiet reggae music playing in the background. It wasn't crowded, only a few people were inside, smoking a blunt and having a good time together. There was a bar where people could order drinks and a separate counter where they sold drugs... Hey, it's all legal here but I wasn't really that comfortable being there... I saw a meerkat standing near a table where a few others were sitting, having the time of their lives, while laughing out loud... The meerkat wore baggy jeans, a tank top and wore a beanie on his head with dreadlocks sticking out underneath... He was so high that kept on laughing... Quite the jolly character... 'Cho! Dah bredda mout ah massy eeh!' 'Hahaha!' 'Dah rude bwoi has dis ting fah har.' 'Tsk... Mi no ina de lay lay ting, ya kno... Why dat gyal ah act so stoosh...?' 'Haha!'

The meerkat who stood near the table talking to the other guys turned his head and faced us. The moment he saw Blain, a huge smile appeared on his face... I looked at Blain and he had a huge smile on his face as well as he approached him... 'Aye, Blain! Wa gwan, me bredda?!' 'Dude! It's been too long!'

They bro-fisted and gave each other a big firm hug... It's like they haven't seen each other in ages... I just stood there a little uncomfortable... 'When ya got bak?!' 'Several weeks ago, actually. I've been here two or three times, didn't see you around. Your uncle said you were out of town.' 'Aaaah, ya righteous, Blain, ah been suh long... Every ting criss, noh?' 'Yeah, it's all good. How you've been?' 'Tsk... Me buck into Dwight yesiday.' 'Dwight?' 'Ya mohn!' 'What'd he say?' 'No ting, he too likky-likky! Dwight be hot steppa, ya know? Cho! Dah bumbaclaat came 'ere, stirrin' up shit and ting.' 'He came here looking for trouble?' 'Cha! Naa mess wit no raggamuffin, ya 'ear?' 'What'd you do?' 'A nuh nutten, dah babylon took 'im away.' 'Haha, he got arrested?!' 'Haha, ya mohn! Can shake no hands when ye' fist be clenched, ya know?' 'Dude never learns, does he?' 'True, true... Lemme tell ya somethin'. Y'see, fish could keep dem mouth closed, dem wouldn't get caught, rudebwoi.' 'Hehehe...' 'Hoo be tat fine feline ya haf wit ya?' 'Oh, this is Ceylan. Ceylan, this is Clayton.' 'Hi...' 'Ah sey one! Beautiful wooman, noh?! Blain betta take gud care of yoo, radda then shacka shacka with dem skettle gyals, seen?' 'Hehe... uhm...' 'Noooo, it's not like that, man.' 'Aaaaaah... Dat's what I an' I said 'bout Shantese...' 'You still together with her?' 'She be shacka shacka sum batty bwoi now... Bah... Aaanyway, wha can I help ya wiff?' 'You got two grams of Neville Haze? Oh and uh... Rolling papers and tips, twenty of each.' 'Fo' sho! Come, come, my yute!'

I followed them to the counter where Clayton got behind and looked through several drawers. He placed a small, plastic sealed bag on the counter containing that stuff while I kept looking at the cannabis, weed and marihuana it had on display... It actually gave me an idea... 'Any ting else?' 'No, thanks man. It's good. How much?' 'Twenteh four fifteh.' 'Alright, thanks man.' 'Anytime bredda.' 'Can I have three grams of Gaian Euphoria, please...?'

Blain looked up surprised and turned his head to face me while I just stared right back at him... 'What? You always share with me. Figured I should start sharing with you.' 'You sure that's a good idea?' 'Why not?' 'Hehehe...' 'Uh, add me twenty rolling papers and tips as well.'

Clayton placed a bag of stuff on the counter which looked different than Blain's stuff. It's green/brownish stuff and I remember it's the same thing that Mikaela always smoked, which is probably why I remembered its name. I figured I always smoked a blunt whenever Blain bought some so I figured I could do something in return. Besides, I don't want to depend on him for supplying stuff whenever we felt like smoking a blunt together... Clayton looked up and had a huge smile on his face... 'Dat a shot!' Twenteh seven dinar.' 'Thank you...' 'Ere, have a brownie.' 'Nooooo, thanks man.' 'Come come, take dem brownie. Yu?' 'No, thank you!' 'Clayton, listen, we gotta go now but I'll talk to you soon, okay? We'll hang out.' 'A me fi tell yu, Blain! Me will si yuh soon, aight?' 'Sure thing, dude. Later man.'

The bro-fisted each other once more and after Clayton handed me my "purchases", Blain and I headed outside to the car-park. Once I drove off, Blain and I started to talk... 'I honestly did not understand a word of what he was saying. I cannot believe you managed to understand every word he said.' 'I've known him for eight years, you'll get to understand him. Besides, I can't believe you bought three grams of Gaian Euphoria.' 'What's so weird about that?' 'You don't fit the profile to smoke blunts!' 'Well, neither do you. Guess there's more to us than what we let other people believe...' 'Hehehe...'

Blain and I were hanging out for the rest of the day. We went to the mall, had dinner together and I had really great time with him. Its funny how someone can make you forget everything you worried about before... And then to think that I've felt so depressed that particular morning... But I suppose that's what a good friendship is all about... Blain was always there for me... Always had his own way to cheer me up when things were looking bad... For more than thirteen years, he always was there... We were like salt and pepper, peas and carrots... Coca-Cola and Bacardi...

The two of us went to the beach when it became night... The beach was deserted and we looked for a place to sit down and unwind... Which meant that we looked for a spot to smoke a blunt together... The beach was really peaceful that night... We sat down near a palm tree as I saw the stars reflecting on the water... To hear the sounds of waves hitting the shores... It's so relaxing... So peaceful... Needless to say, once we lit up our blunts, it didn't took long for us to get bat-shit high and it was no longer quiet... We talked about Clayton and his funny accent that quickly changed the subject... Particularly, about me and my funny accent... 'What do you mean, comprehensible?! I speak perfect Renarian!' 'Hahaha, you can't even pronounce "ventriloquist" properly!' 'Feeen... Veeentriliqo... Ventrililo... Fuck you, Blain...' 'Hahahaha!' 'I'd like to see you do a conversation with me in Urdu, see how that goes for you.' 'Try me, you know I'm quite the linguist.' 'Shoto chrateh Urdu do ma?' 'Your pronunciation is a little off.' 'Na'am! Doshta fara ni alghyuani ! Ya musdemdja nazee shukaran ? Ana Ceylan ismi jhokor. Ayn jayyid do ismi mashdem. Bafaraghti mikansu jorumashdem kazaa do muahira!'

I sighed quietly and just stared ahead while taking a puff from my joint... Slowly exhaled through my nostrils and all of a sudden, the mood was gone, just like that... 'What, what's wrong?' 'Nothing, I just... You know...Sometimes, I just miss having conversations in my own language... I can talk all I want but... I never get a reply back in Urdu...' 'Heh...' 'I know I manage the language fairly well but... I get the feeling I can never truly express myself, you know? For lacking the right words... And perhaps that's the reason why I always fuck up... That it's just miscommunication...' 'Naaaah... I don't think that's it. There's never been a miscommunication between us.' 'Hehe...' 'Besides, you like vaghijandi and tollels just much as I do.' 'Hahaha! Oh my god! Can't believe I taught you those words!' 'See, I'm quite the linguist.' 'Haha, your pronunciation is shit, though.' 'So is yours but I still love you, dude.' 'I love you too, man...' 'Hehe...' 'So got any vaghijandi lately...?' 'Nnnnnnnope...'

Blain and I sat there for a long time, having random conversations while we were fucking high... It took about three hours for the effects to wear off but I've laughed so much that night than I did in an entire month... I really needed it... To have fun, to finally be able to unwind... Smoking a blunt every once in a while wouldn't hurt... Drugs are not the answer but it did help me to get through a difficult period... And Blain...? He was always there, to either laugh with me, cry with me or to make fun of me... But that's okay, I made fun of him as well...

Sometimes I felt that Blain was the only one I could truly be myself. Talking to him about sex the way that guys do, being all crass and childish about it... But also a lot of other things... I trusted Blain with my life to have shared things with him no one else knows about me. I still might have different insights on certain things that he does... Despite that, Blain was the only one who really knew me... But more importantly, he knew what I wanted the most... Just to have someone to be around with... Someone who can make you laugh... Someone who could make you feel on top of the world... He was the only one who truly understood what it meant to me...