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I wandered alone in darkness, stumbling over craggy rocks like a weary traveler. I tried to look around, but a dense fog had materialized out of nowhere and clouded my vision. Exhausted, I collapsed onto the cold stone. How did I get here?

I was just about to close my eyes and rest when the mist in front of me parted, revealing a lone, dark silhouette standing silently. Almost immediately, it became illuminated to reveal a black wolf. Instantly I recognized it as John, but something was wrong. His face, instead of a happy expression, wore a stoic one. Turning around, he muttered something too incoherent to understand and began walking slowly away.

"Wait! John! Don't leave me here! Please, come back!" I called out to him, but he didn't stop. I tried to get up and run after him, but my arms had become so weak that I couldn't lift myself off the ground. His footsteps, echoing in my ears, fed my desperation. "John! Don't leave me alone!" I cried to him again, reaching my paw out as if I could touch him.

He stopped for a second, and turned his head around. His eyes were filled with sadness and grief. He muttered something again and continued on. He quickly faded into the mist, his footsteps still echoing in my ears...then silence.

I was left alone, feeling the utmost sense of dread and sorrow. Again and again I called out to him, wherever he might be, hoping he would return. But time after time, I didn't hear a response nor did I hear his footsteps. I was alone.

I bolted upright on my bed, sweating and shivering from the nightmare. I looked at the clock on the nightstand besides me, it was about seven in the morning. I recalled the memories of last night, dreading more and more as the memories returned to my mind.

What have I done? I had broken up with the man I loved, the only one I would ever love. That was the only thought that ran through my mind as I laid back in bed. I didn't want to break up with him, but I didn't want to lead him on, being his boyfriend when I might not even be gay.

That thought troubled me, I've been gay for years, and now I'm just not? I thought back to when this change had first started, back when we were at the store...back when he bought me flowers.

John and I were strolling down the aisle, looking for the items on the list I had brought. Breaking the silence, John had spoken up, "Hey, I have to get something real quick. I'll meet you at the checkout." He began to walk briskly away.

"Alright," I called out after him. After getting a couple of items, I found that I still had to get some vegetables and fruits. As I was picking the vegetables I needed, someone approached me.

"Hey!" said a voice. I had looked behind me and found a female Golden Retriever smiling at me.

"Oh, hey! Do I know you from somewhere?" I asked, not knowing who she was.

"No, you don't know me. I'm Ashley. What's your name?" she continued to smile.

"Uh, Derek." I had responded a little shakily. For some odd reason, my head couldn't think straight at that moment.

"Well, Derek, I think you are very cute. And well...I was wonder...maybe you want to go out sometime?" she said rather hesitantly but I could here hope creeping into her voice.

"I'm sorry, I'm actually in a relationship," I apologized. She had looked down, frowning sadly.

"Of course, I understand. Someone as good looking as you would have somebody already. Well, I'll be going now. It was nice meeting you though." I could hear the disappointment in her voice.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. But maybe we'll see each other around?" I asked hoping to cheer her up.

"Maybe. Goodbye, Derek." She walked away sadly.

I felt bad for the girl, but I was in a relationship with John. I finished picking the vegetables and the fruits and went to meet John at the checkout. As I was walking, I wondered about the feeling I had when I was talking to that girl, Ashley. Why couldn't my head think straight?

I was so lost in thought, I almost walked past John at the checkout station. Luckily he grabbed my arm to get my attention. I noticed that both of his hands were empty.

Confused, I asked, "Where is the thing you needed to buy?"

He smiled, "It's already in the car." I forgot that he had the spare keys to my truck. "Do you have all you need?"

"Uh, yeah. I do." I responded, slightly distracted.

"Are you alright? You look a little shaken." John asked with concern.

"I'm fine. Here, let me pay for the groceries and we can go." I said taking out my wallet. John frowned slightly; I was sure he sensed something.

I payed for my groceries and we walked out of the store. As we were walking to my car, I remembered that he had bought something. "What did you get?" I asked cheerfully, hoping to adequately disguise my emotions.

"You'll see very soon, love," John said smiling.

I felt a tear run down my face; he had presented his gift to me after that. Immediately a surge of anger ran through me; I had to get through this, for him. I replayed the memory again and again in my head, meditating on the feelings I had experienced. It felt like I had a slight crush on her, but was I really attracted to her? That would explain why I couldn't think at the time. It made sense, but I didn't want to believe it. I may have felt something for the girl, but I still love John. Could I be bi? I sighed, it was so confusing.

I had started thinking of other possibilities when a thought hit me: maybe this was all a phase. Maybe all this was just brought on by puberty. I had hoped that it was true; it meant that I might still be gay. It meant that I may be able to stay with John. A sense of hope grew within me; there was still a chance. My fluffy tail began to wag, swishing back and forth with increasing speed every second. I felt alive again.

Invigorated by hope, I quickly got dressed and ran downstairs to John's room. I had to tell John this, I had to fix this. He would be so happy, I could almost see his face bright up with a smile. I burst through his door, forgetting to knock, but stopped in my tracks. The room was empty. Not just of John, but all of his things as well. Everything was how it was before John moved in. Panicking, I ran to the living room where I found my mom sitting. Fear shot through me; she was almost in tears, staring sadly at one of her favorite books that sat closed on her lap. She didn't look up when I walked in.

Nervous, I asked, "Mom, what's wrong? Where's John?"

"Gone...he's gone. He left earlier this morning," she replied melancholy.

I felt my heart plummet, "Gone? W-where?" She didn't reply but held out an envelope. I hesitantly took it and opened it. In it, was a letter written by John; I knew immediately from the paw-writing. I felt my heart sink more and more as I read the letter. It read:

My Dear Derek,

You have made these past years together truly, the best of my life. It is unfortunate that those years together had to end. You have given me so much, a place to call home, your friendship, your love. I cannot fully express how grateful I am in words. However, I am sorry to say that we must move on. You have a life to live, college to go to. As for me, I will find my place. Do not worry for me, do not punish yourself either. Do not dwell on the past; look ahead or you will miss the future. The past is to be cherished, not to be grieved. Perhaps a day may come when our paths cross swords again.

By now you may wonder where I will go. I plan to join the military, the Marine Corps, in fact. Do not worry, I will survive and return one day. I will always come back. On one final thought, you said you still wanted to be friends on the night our relationship broke. The truth is, you will always be my friend, where ever you may be, no matter how far.

Your friend,

John McKnight

I dropped the letter, losing all feeling in my body. My dream came back along with a flood of pain. It flashed through my mind and this time I heard what John was muttering. He had said in a pained voice, "For you."

I felt all my emotional barriers break; I couldn't retain my pain any longer. I allowed tears to form and run down my cheeks. It was true, he had left. I blamed myself; I caused him to leave. I felt a paw touch my arm. Looking up, I saw my mom, tears in her eyes, hold out her arms. I fell into her embrace, wrapping my arms around her. We held each other in silence. I tried to pull myself together, but continued to let out a faint whimper every now and then.

After a few moments, Mom whispered softly, "He left for you, you know? When you broke up with him, he was concerned about you. He knew you were in pain. He thought he was hurting you...he thought that you might get better if he left. He cares about you, that's why he left."

At that moment, I knew I loved him and no one else. John was willing to do anything for me...even when we weren't together. How could I not love him? He was the one for me.

I took and deep breath, pulling myself together, and let go of my mom. I knew what I had to do. I have to find him and bring him home. But a problem dawned on me: he joined the military. I picked up the letter from the ground and read it again, hoping that I had read wrong. But my hopes had been in vain; he had joined the Marines.

"Mom...he joined the Marines," I told her, fear creeping into my voice. I showed her the part where it was mentioned in the letter.

"Derek, I'm so sorry," she said quietly. Despair started to consume me, but immediately I scolded myself. He left for me; it's my responsibility to bring him back, no matter what. I went to my room and started packing some clothes as well as other useful items. I quickly searched online for the location of where I wanted to go to and wrote down the address.

Having packed all I needed, I stuffed the address into my pocket and went downstairs with my bag.

"What are you doing, Derek?" my mom asked.

"I'm joining the Marines, Mom. I'm going to bring John home," I replied heading toward he door.

"Wait, Derek. I don't think you can just bring him back," Mom said in disbelief, placing herself between me and the door.

"I have to try. I can't just wait for him to come back. I need to know he is going to be alright," I protested. "Besides, my life is nothing without him. I need him...and I will find him."

Mom's shoulders sagged; she probably knew she couldn't talk me out of it. "I want you to be really careful. I want to see you again," she said seriously.

"Don't worry, I will. And I will be back...with John," I said, trying my best to reassure her.

She nodded, "Good luck, Derek." She opened the door and held it open as I walked through.

"Good-bye, Mom," I said, turning back briefly. I saw her nod and start to slowly close the door.

I could have asked my mom to drive me to a recruiting site, but I had decided against it. I could use this time to think, especially about how I'm going to do this. No thoughts came to mind, but I persevered. I would find John and bring him home, no matter what the cost.