Family Days 17
#17 of Family Days
Well, now that everything is out in the open things....well, who knows? Nothing has gone quite according to plan for Marion! He's a fur with a plan, and a bit of an unlucky guy for all the good his plans do him :/
Hey everyone! Sorry for a bit of delay in this one (just trying to find time to get on the internet is tough sometimes haha). Well, hope ya' enjoy and if you see anything wrong/have suggestions feel free to leave them below!
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"So, how was your day?" Marion asked, smiling at the pup. "Good I hope,"
Chris shut the door to the car and threw his bookbag in the back of the car. He waited for it to start and kept his attention on the outside world.
"Did you hear back on that fundraiser yet? I think you said you should soon," Marion told his son, carrying on the one sided conversation. He hated it. First he went and forgot the long weekend getaway with his son, and now he was outed! Outed! He didn't come out--he'd been outed, and by the pup no less! How stupid: how terrible was it that the pup had seen him kissing his teacher?
Chris felt his ears flicker and he drummed nosily on the dashboard. He was still trying to process everything.
"Chris...please, can we talk?" Marion asked. His son had been ignoring for the past four days, and showed no sign of talking to him any time soon. Perhaps under very different circumstances he could admit to admiring the pup's resilience.
Chris kept his stare on the passing road. It made sense--the pieces fit together.
"Son?"
"Don't..." Chris said and shook his head. His father--what felt like his only family left, was lying to him. The wolf's smiles, the happy stares, the way he avoided talking sometimes, the awkwardness; they were all summed up by his...his fling with his teacher! Did his father not think about him? What he thought?
Marion opened his mouth to say something but stopped. He looked back to the road and let out a quiet sigh. The silence between him and Chris was killing him. This was even worse than the silence a few weeks ago.
That night Chris had found him with Ben was still engraved in his mind. The young pup had yelled at them and ran up the stairs. Marion would've followed right after him but the bear began to suffer an asthma attack. Apparently the stress and surprise of a student finding out that his teacher had been making out with his father shocked him. He'd stayed with the bear for about an hour, making sure he was OK and--despite what had happened, even kissed him goodbye.
It was all made so much worse because all Ben had done was given him a small kiss on the cheek, which Chris saw. If they had stopped there. But no! Marion sighed to himself and shook his head. He had been a fool and jumped on his tiptoes and given the bear a French kiss--there is no explaining that one. The bear had just been telling him things were going to be fine when he told Chris. Marion felt that the timing could not have been worse. If Chris had just come in a few seconds later, or if he'd just worked up the courage to speak to the pup before. In the end, he couldn't help but feel like it was all his fault.
They didn't speak though, at least not that night. As soon as Ben was better the bear left. Marion went upstairs but his son refused to let him into his room. After a few minutes he gave up and went to bed, not that he slept any. Lately their contact was depressingly limited. He drove the pup to school and still talked to him but they didn't interact at all. The pup refused to acknowledge him.
Ben and him were still talking though. They were both more than surprised, but neither seemed to be deterred by the new turn of events. Marion even found himself taking solace in the bear's presence at times--at least over the phone. Still, Marion told the bear flat out that Chris came first and Ben didn't take any offense to that whatsoever. If anything, Ben had expected and respected that choice--which only made him more attracted to the bear--ironically.
Marion still wondered why he hadn't realized Ben was Chris's chemistry teacher--Mr. Vaughn. He also wondered why Ben never thought of it either. Neither of them had been able to connect the dots quickly enough though. Well, that wasn't entirely true. Ben had made the connection, and had told him. With a sorrowful sigh Marion glanced over at Chris: he'd truly hurt the pup. That was in the past though; the past in which he'd had a month to tell his son what was going on. This was all his own fault.
Ben wasn't having any better luck with Chris. The bear told Marion that Chris had even skipped class once. He was going again, but during classes the wolf completely avoided him. Ben admitted he didn't try to really talk with the wolf either. During the evenings with his, becoming nightly, talks with Marion they would talk about the pup. Neither really expected the pup to take it well--though there was little they could do to remedy the situation.
They couldn't help but acknowledge the foolishness of being caught. Ben blamed himself, to which Marion came to the bear's defense and said it was his own fault, to which Ben came to his defense. It didn't help though--it was one of those hurts that even someone's touch just reinforced the knowledge of what had happened.
Marion himself couldn't believe he hadn't included Chris in his life. What had he been thinking? He hadn't even let the pup know that he was gay. It all seemed so terrible to him now. There were the facts that he had not only excluded Chris from his life but he hadn't asked the pup on his opinions about things like his sexuality. What if the pup hated him? The idea that he'd screwed up the best thing in his life made him feel sick to his stomach.
Marion didn't finish his thoughts as they pulled up to the house and he heard Chris quickly getting out. He followed behind the pup and unlocked the door for him.
Chris moved to the stairs and stopped at the sound of his dad.
"Chris...I want us to talk,"
Chris hesitated and then took in a deep breath, "I don't want to talk to a faggot,"
Marion watched his son run up the stairs. His eyes had tears brimming in them, despite the fact the words had not yet settled. When they did it was like a punch to the gut, he felt weak and sick from it. Luckily, the sensation didn't last long. Something about it hadn't sounded true. Of course he didn't want to believe it, but he was sure that as a father there had been a bit of untruth in his son's words.
That didn't mean there was no sting to it though. A stray tear still managed to sneak out of his eye and down his muzzle. This was all his fault. If he had just talked with Chris then he wouldn't be worrying about losing the most important relationship in his life. Over the past two years--seeing as their first year was basically filled with awkward tolerance of the other--Chris had gone from the pup he had to take care of to the pup he loved more than anything else in the world--to being his son.
Marion found himself moving up the stairs and soon staring at his son's door. He was the parent; the adult; the understanding one. With that reinforced he let out a light sigh to calm himself--this was his role now. He knocked and slowly walked inside--surprised it wasn't locked. Chris had made the room his own. A poster was on one wall, put up with a nail...of all things. They had a stern conversation about why nails weren't meant to be used for such purposes, and he knew his son hadn't known any better. Still, he couldn't help but wonder what exactly Nancy had taught the pup--didn't it make sense to use a tack--or quite frankly, just not a nail?
The bed was fluffy and never made. The pup didn't use sheets like most people. There was a bedspread and besides that the pup would simply pull a blanket over himself--wrapping up like a mummy before falling asleep. Clothes littered the floor, and in the corner was the electric piano.
Marion thought back to listening to his son play all those times. The pup was impressive. He wasn't a prodigy or anything, and there were no doubt others were better but still the pup was good. He could play well; he had lots of spirit, and that was all that mattered. The pup was, in his eyes, talented. And considering his son did it solely for the pleasure of playing--he didn't think that there was more joy to it.
The pup was currently sitting at his desk, his back turned to his father. Marion stared at the pup for a few seconds and felt his eyes water a little. Just as quickly he moved a paw up to his eyes and wiped it away; he was the strong one now. "Chris..."
Chris didn't turn to look at his father. He couldn't help but notice something in his father's tone though. A light whine ran over his ears and they flattened at the notion of his dad's voice. How could his dad not tell him he was dating his teacher--not tell him he was gay? Did he not matter to him? What about his mother? What was she to him now? That thought alone smarted his eyes.
"I'm sorry Son...this is my fault..." Marion said. He saw his son's ears jump at those words and knew it was safe to continue. "I...I should've told you that I liked guys...yo--"
"What about Mom?" Chris suddenly asked, his voice heavy with tears. The timidity of his father's voice was still odd to hear, but it wasn't surprising enough to dull the sting.
Marion felt a dagger sink into his heart, but he didn't reply. Another part of him wasn't just letting a lightbulb turn on, it was throwing lightbulbs at him. He'd considered Chris--yes, but had he considered what Chris would consider? Like his mother? He watched the pup turn around and point an accusing paw at him.
"Did you ever care about her? You left because you hated her and you left us both alone!"
Marion shook his head, "Chris...you know that's not true," he said as he took a step forward.
Chris wiped the tears out of his eyes. His father was right, and he hated that. Over the past week that was what it felt like during every conscious moment. Every second he found himself wondering what that meant about his mother, or about him, or about his current life. His father was gay--didn't that mean he shouldn't be here? The two wolves should've never been together--therefore....... "What about Mom though? Why were you with her--I'm just a mistake, right?"
Marion walked over and put an arm over his son. It was the first contact he'd been able to make with the pup all week, and he was surprised by how easily he was able to pull the pup to his side. He moved them over to the bed and was glad his son wasn't fighting against him. He stroked over the crying pup's arm and held him closer. The idea that Chris was upset about him being gay because of Nancy and his relationship hadn't even occurred to him, but now the thoughts swarmed him now. How he hadn't realized that it would be tough on Chris in that manner made him angry at himself. He was supposed to be the pup's father and think about him but he'd been too busy worrying the pup would hate him to think about it from Chris's perspective. The pup's thoughts were like hail against him, and he couldn't help but hurt for him. "Chris...your mother and I; we loved each other while we were together...I would like to think we still cared deeply for one another afterwards also,"
"The--then why didn't you stay together?" Chris sobbed and bared his teeth, as if to fight back another stream of tears.
"I wish I knew son. Nothing...I mean absolutely nothing would've made me happier than to have known you were in my life before I got that call. If Nancy would've told me about you, I would've been with you every day of every week. I don't know why she did what she did..."
"Why were you two ever together?"
Marion sighed and looked away for a minute. "Chris...don't think that I didn't have feelings for your mother. We were very close and cared very deeply for one another. My preferences can never dictate who I may have affection for. There is nothing about the past that I regret--least of all my time with your mother,"
"I love you Chris. No matter who else I may have loved, or may ever love; know that I still carry those feelings with me. Just because Nancy and I went our separate ways didn't mean I ever stopped caring about her. I can still remember the first time I took her on a date, and just how nervous of a wreck I was. I mean, she knew better than anyone--perhaps besides you--just how bad I am at coming out about my feelings," Marion told, unable to help a small smile at the memory of the date.
Chris sobbed into his father's chest and shook his head, "I feel like a mistake,"
Marion stroked his son's head and kissed him gently, "You shouldn't. You're not. Me and Nancy were together for a brief time and in that time we both knew what could happen. She chose to have you Chris, and we both love you very much--you aren't an accident,"
Chris's crying didn't let up any. He felt terrible. His mother had never told him that the wolf that was his father was gay. What was that supposed to mean? What did that mean about them? What did it say about him? Was he even supposed to exist?
"I should've told you...I never meant to hide it from you Chris..."
"Why?"
"I...I didn't want you to hate me Son. I didn't ever think to tell you over the first year; it seemed like a stupid idea. When I found out about you...well...I mean, the last thing that seemed important to me was my preferences,"
Chris buried his head into his father's chest and sobbed more. He couldn't help the tears. The entire week he'd been haunted by thoughts of being a mistake and of his father never loving him. It was like he was an accident never intended by nature to exist. And for some reason it made him think about his mom too. He missed her; it felt like if she was here she could explain this to him.
It was greedy perhaps, to not think about his father's feelings, but he just couldn't. Every time he thought about his father he thought about Marion--and how the two talked everynight. The wolf didn't know he stood outside the door listening in some nights, but never for long--hearing them talk hurt too much. It was always about him, destroying his idea that his father hadn't cared: destroying the easier truth.
"Shh...it's OK," Marion said and held the crying pup close to him, planting a small kiss in between his son's eyes.
It took nearly ten minutes for Chris to calm down. At the end of the time he'd ended up in his dad's lap, curled up into a ball. His father's paw was still gently stroking over his head. It felt nice; the comfort of the entire thing. His mom did the same thing, and his father did it too. It reminded him of her, but reinforced the comfort his father could bring him at the same time. "I'm sorry..."
Marion looked down at his son and cocked his head, "For what?"
"For calling you a faggot,"
"You don't have to be sorry Chris...this...well, it is all my fault,"
Chris didn't reply for a few moments. He stared off at a wall and let out a sigh. Sure, his father could have told him sooner, but there was no helping that now. "You're not angry are you?"
"Chris...I could never be angry at you. But...are you OK with me?"
"What do you mean?"
"That...that I'm...th--" Marion said and swallowed the lump in his throat. He'd never thought it'd be so difficult to tell his son that he was gay, but right now he could barely get the words out of his muzzle. He knew it shouldn't have surprised him, seeing as he'd gone nearly two months trying to figure out how to get the words out, "Son...are you comfortable with me being gay?"
Chris stared at his father and thought, though he found the thoughts were exceedingly simple. It wasn't like his father wasn't his father because of any of this. Still, it was strange no doubt. "Mom told me I should love everybody..."
Marion didn't nod or anything; he wanted to wait for his son to say yes or no.
"But...I mean...don't other people think it's wrong? I know some people don't approve...and some think it's wrong. At fellowship they......." Chris said, but never finished, just thinking over the entire thing.
Marion sighed and looked away. He really didn't want his son to hate him and at the same time he wasn't going to tell Chris that just because a group didn't support his life style that they were wrong; he was going to raise his son to be smart. Still, this part of the topic wasn't something he'd been looking forward to at any point. It was almost humorous, he was more worried about the political aspect than any chance of a spiritual one--though why he didn't know.
"Bu--but...is it true?"
Marion looked down at his son, "What?"
"Is it wrong? I mean...you told me you can't help who you have feelings for..."
Marion shrugged his shoulders and stroked over his son's fur again, "I don't know Son...I wish I did. I've never tried to be a terrible guy...and I don't have anything against someone who thinks that I'm wrong. And...the spirit is...something I try to keep healthy," Marion said, wondering just what to say now.
Did he tell the pup the easy answer: that there was no such thing as a soul and that everything was purely biological? Did he destroy the pup's ideas that there was a higher being? Did he destroy the ideas that an organization could get that being's knowledge--partly? More than those, did he go against his own beliefs in saying those? He believed, perhaps not in quite the manner most might, but belief was still belief. Did he tell his pup to not think, to just listen to what others say and not think for yourself as both sides showed at many times? Of course, there was still the complex subject of what to believe--especially in a world that said so many different things.
Chris nodded. His father had even taken him to a few services. Chris tried to go, but lately it was becoming more and more difficult. He enjoyed them, but he hadn't met anybody he was really friends with--the fellowship didn't feel like it should've. Back with his mother, it had seemed so right, and he'd felt like part of a community. He knew everyones' name and everyone knew his name--even the elder goat who complained about the youth still knew their names.
Here?
Here such a lady was just mean. Here no one cared about your name. Sure you could find a niche, but that wasn't the point--niches could exist at school. It was supposed to be more than that. It was supposed to be so much more. A part of him knew that it was because it was a smaller town, and that in the city people were different. Back home it had been like a family gathering everytime. Here, he just felt like a number during such things; not a person. Feeling like a statistic--that had to be a bad sign. The shocking thing was when his dad went without him. He knew his dad went to some services occasionally, but now he had no idea why, especially any more.
"I...Chris...it's a weird issue. You can have two people tell you entirely different things and at the end of the day someone comes up with something entirely different too. At the end of the day, if I'm wrong then the only thing I can hope is that I can be forgiven for not being right and not being strong enough to say no to my heart,"
Chris stared at his dad, feeling the confusion slowly slip away. He'd never really had a quarrel with any religion before, and his dad's words made things better. Still, he knew his father wanted him to think for himself. It would've been simpler for his father to tell him that it was all stupid and that he wasn't wrong, but he didn't do that. His father kept the idea of being wrong completely in the open and didn't try to sway his opinion at all.
His father couldn't be wrong could he? In his life, the only person that held a candle to his mother was the wolf whose lap he was laying in right now. His father could've been a saint in any temple with how kind he was, couldn't he? He could even remember the wolf telling him stories about how he played games in those places when he was a pup himself.
Chris sighed and shook his head, "I'm fine with it...If you don't know the answer...then I guess there's no way I can. But...love is the greatest thing, right?"
Marion smiled at his son but tried not to say yes or no. Though, technically to the philosophy of it all he was right. Well, he preferred to think that hope was greater--though he wasn't sure that that wasn't just because he needed it so much between his son and Ben at the moment.
"Well, that's what is the most important then. If...if you're wrong...then just like you said, 'hey, we all make mistakes,' right?"
Marion couldn't help but smile, "Right," he told his son, deciding that there was no point in getting into a theological debate over whether he was a terrible person or not--he broke one thing, and he didn't know exactly what that meant but he was sure if a killer could be forgiven then so could he. At least, that's what he seemed to hear so much: while on the opposite side he was bound for a very hot eternity. Then again, that otherside would've put Chris in that category too--simply because the pup had yet to officially join any location.
Chris sighed and nuzzled his father, just wishing they could've had a life together with Mom--a life of a complete family. They could get up on weekends and laugh and hang out together--maybe have to do work around the house. His mom would force him to clean his room--something his dad didn't. There were so many things that could be. Still, he was becoming happier here too--as if he could still get the experience of a full family.
Marion stroked over his son's muzzle and sighed, "Sorry about all this Son...I'm probably not the most manly father you wanted,"
Chris shook his head and sighed, "You're the one Mom told me about and the one I always wanted...the one I thought about every time I wondered about you,"
Marion felt a joyful tear build up in his eye and he smiled happily down at his son, "I love you Son,"
Chris smiled and let out a small sigh, "I love you too Dad,"
Marion continued to stroke the pup and think about how life had changed from what seemed to be so long ago. He'd been doing nothing and living for nothing. All it took was the pup in his lap to change it all though. He smiled and looked down at the pup; all it took was his son. A few minutes passed, both content to just be quiet and enjoy the other's presence--even if their minds wandered through many subjects.
"Dad..." Chris said, sitting up again.
"Yeah?"
"So...are you dating my chemistry teacher?"
"Uhh...not if you don't want me to," Marion replied before thinking. He didn't know why he said it though because in his mind the only thing he could think of was what he would do if Chris said no. Well, aside from not dating Ben. But, it would crush him--but if the pup said no, he knew he'd want to steel himself for that blow.
Chris stared at the wolf for a few seconds, "You think you could get me some extra credit?"
Marion chuckled and ruffled the pup's headfur: relief and a nearly ecstatic feeling beginning flood through him. Chris was always good at a bit of quick-wit or rebounding with humor. He loved it when the pup joked around; it always showed that he was accepting of something. "I don't think so,"
Chris smiled and nodded, "OK...could you do me a favor?"
"I can try..."
"Next time you talk with him tell him that I'm sorry...I've been a jerk I guess,"
"Sure thing. How about we go out somewhere nice tonight?"
"You want to bring Mr. Vaughn?"
"No," Marion said with a laugh, "Just you and me, OK," he said, having no intention of including Ben in everything just because they were out now. Maybe---Maybe with time the bear would be included, but Chris and him were family--and family did family things together, right?
Chris smiled and nodded, "OK," he said, knowing he could want nothing more than to spend time with his dad.