FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

It seemed right to do at the time, you know... It felt right to do so for the both of us... I knew from the beginning that I wouldn't regret it... But I've been wrong before... And I was wrong again... But it wasn't until I opened my eyes the next morning, finding myself naked in her bed, that I started to realize that... I still heard the rain ticking quietly against the window as her window blinds were gently waving back and forth from the cold breeze that came from her small open fanlight... It was strange to realize what exactly happened... How it happened or even why it happened... But there was no point in denying it myself... I've slept with her... The best friend of my boyfriend... I guess with everything that happened, I was too desperate to come out... Too desperate to give in to my feelings I've kept hidden for so long... Too desperate to stop pretending who I really am... Perhaps that was the reason why I did it... But being confused didn't gave me an excuse to cheat on someone who loved me dearly... And it wasn't until that morning, that I realized what I did...

When I opened my eyes, Nikki wasn't in bed next to me. I heard the quiet mumbling of the radio in the living-room and once I got myself dressed, I went there to see her. I can't tell you how uneasy I felt the moment I saw Nikki sitting at her kitchen table with a cup of coffee, with her hands in her hair... And I guess she felt uneasy as well when she noticed I was in the kitchen, judging the way she looked at me... 'Goodmorning...' 'Hey, goodmorning, Nic...' 'Can I get you anything...?' 'No, I'm fine, thank you...'

I sat with her at the table and a long, awkward silence filled the room... Each and every time we were looking at each other, we averted our eyes in an attempt to pretend that it never happened... 'You alright, Nic...?' 'Yeah, I'm fine, heh...' 'I'm sorry if I did anything that has upset you...' 'Don't be... I-I just... didn't expect it... and...' 'Neither did I...' 'Heh... S-So now what...?' 'What do you mean...?' 'Are we, uhm...' 'I can't, Nic... I can't make that choice...' 'I-I understand...' 'But I've been thinking...' 'Oh...?' 'Yeah... Would Terry really mind if he lets me spend time with you every once in a while...? I mean... You and I were already hanging out together, right...? Terry never seemed to mind...' 'B-But this is different Ceylan...! It's about the principle...!' 'I know...' 'S-So... What does that make me...?' 'What do you mean...?' 'W-Would I be second choice for you...?'

"God, why the hell is this so complicated...?" It was a good question and Nikki was well in her rights to ask me... But what was I supposed to answer her...? I didn't want to have a choice between the two of them... I wanted them both... But no matter what I tried, I was always presented with the same choice I didn't want to make... 'No... You wouldn't be...' 'B-But I don't want to make that choice for us as well, Ceylan... Between you and Terry...' 'Then don't make that choice...' 'We shouldn't be doing this...' 'We already did...'

That was something that made her think... We already did... So why would she even hesitate to do something she already did...? I heard she sighed quietly and closed her eyes for a moment... I saw she was thinking... I know she doesn't want to make that choice but neither did I... We both knew it was wrong to do and yet we continued as if Terry didn't exist... And the only question I ever could think of was why... Why were we doing this...? It's because I needed her, in every way imaginable... And I guess she felt the same... Our feelings towards each other were stronger than our sense of loyalty towards Terry... That's why we did it... And no matter how wrong it was, neither of us was willing to give up on each other...

As if thing weren't difficult enough for me, I also had other things on my mind... Simon thought the three of us had to talk about it... He called me up and almost begged me to come home... So I did... Coming back home the next day was strange... The three of us sat around the kitchen table but I already felt Catherine's eyes penetrating mine... So I didn't had the guts to look at her... She stayed calm... But I just knew she would freak out at me if I said something wrong... So sitting at the table with her felt really uncomfortable... Simon sat next to me and I knew he was on my side... Nervously twiddling my fingers as I couldn't look her in the eyes... And after a long moment of silence, Catherine started to talk... 'I just don't understand, Ceylan...' 'What's there to understand about it...?' 'How this all happened...' 'I already told you... I've always had feelings for other girls... It's always been a part of me...' 'Yes but why...?' 'I don't know...' 'I just don't understand why you made that choice...' 'I already told you, it's not a choice I made...! I can't decide who I fall in love with...!' 'So it just happens?' 'Did you fell in love with Simon or did you just "choose" him just because it "happened"??' 'That's not even relevant for you to ask!' 'And why isn't it relevant?!' 'Because it's different in your case!' 'How exactly is this different?! Why do you keep saying that? You make it sound like I deliberately choose to have feelings for girls!' 'It's because you do!' 'For what?! For whom?! Just to piss you off for my own amusement?! Even it was a choice, I'd make that decision for myself, not for you! Why are you trying to change me into someone I'm not?! Why can't you just accept me for who I am?!' 'Because that's not who you are!' 'Then you don't know me at all!'

I knew that coming home was pointless... I knew that coming home would be a mistake... Heh... I thought I could try to make her see otherwise... It was stupid of me to think that... The moment I started yelling at her, I was already crying... Yelled at her with a hoarse throat while the tears were running down my face... But I knew yelling at her wouldn't help her understand... And I got so tired of it... I would've answered any question she had truthfully if only she accepted it first... Answering questions would've only helped her understand... But asking me why I made that choice was the only question she had for me... What was I supposed to answer her...? It's like asking someone what happened before the big bang or asking what happens after you die... Nobody knows why I have feelings for girls, not even I do... All I know was that it was there for me to accept it... And I did... Catherine however, did not... 'I just don't understand why, Ceylan...' 'And I don't understand why you think it's wrong for me to have feelings for girls...' 'You know why...' 'Heh... You know...' 'What?' 'I asked grandma if she thought what I had was wrong... You know what grandma told me when I came out to her seven years ago...? She told me that we don't choose who we fall in love with... She told me that it is ignorant of people to tell someone that it's not natural... It's because others don't get to decide what natural is... Only I can decide that for myself... And you don't have a say in that, no matter how much you want to try and change that...'

It stayed silent for a moment... For the first time ever since I came out to her, I had the guts to face her... It's because I know I was right and she wasn't... I wiped the tears out of my eyes and faced her as it stayed silent for a moment... 'But you have a wonderful boyfriend, Ceylan... Terry is-' 'A male? I'm well aware of that... He treats me with respect and I don't take him for granted. But there's something missing of which Terry can't give me simply because he's not a girl...' 'So what makes a girl so "special" in these matters?' 'You think it's all about sex, don't you...?' 'Please, I don't wanna hear it. It's bad enough for me to know that you did.' 'But it's what you think it's like, don't you?! You think lesbian and gay people are all about sex?! It's not that much different with straight relationships! I would know because I've had both! This is exactly what I mean with your stupid prejudices! You're judging something before you even know the facts! Your judging me before you even know me!' 'I thought I knew you but apparently, I didn't.' 'What are you so afraid of, Catherine?! I'm happy for who I am, why can't you be?!' 'It's because of your choice!'

At that point, I started to lose it... I ran out of patience... Instead of feeling sad or guilty about it, I became angry... Angry at her simply because she refused to understand... I became so pissed at her that I stood up from the table and yelled at her... 'Goddamn it!! How many times do I have to tell you it's not a choice I made?!! It's always been a part of me, just like trees have always been a part of this world!! I don't need your fucking approval or your blessing to have feelings for a girl!! You have no idea how much I've struggled with it over the years!! How difficult and how confusing it was for me!! Grandma was always there for me when I needed her!! She accepts me for who I am, Simon accepts it!! So why can't you?!! It's because you simply just refuse to understand because you're either too goddamn ignorant or too mentally retarded to understand!!' 'Hey, hey, calm down, easy, Ceylan...'

Simon got up as well and placed his hands on my shoulders in order to calm me down... I admit, I shouldn't have lost my temper that day... But all those emotions and all those feelings and frustrations I felt just exploded, you know...? I kept staring at her for a while as I felt my blood boiling on the inside and the adrenaline was rushing through my veins... I got so pissed at her that the tears were rolling down my cheeks once more... Catherine was taken aback by that, that's for sure... She didn't expect me to freak out at her like that... So she stayed quiet after that... Once I calmed down, I looked at Simon and even though he was on my side, I saw the look in his eyes and he didn't approve of what I did... Calling Catherine mentally retarded... Heh... It stayed quiet for a long time... It made me think... It was pointless to try and make her change her mind about it... So it's best that I wouldn't change that... I wasn't like her to try and change her into something she's not... 'I know what you're afraid of, Catherine... I've been living with it for seven years now... You've seen me when I had girlfriends... And you've seen me with a boyfriend... So what exactly is different now...? You think I changed because of it... But the truth is... It's you who changed... That's what grandma always told me...' 'I'm not the one who changed...' 'So you think... But you treated me differently once you knew... I know it's quite the shock and I tried to help you understand but all you want to do is to change me into someone I'm not...' 'I want you to realize the consequences of your choice.' 'It's like I'm talking to a goddamn tree here... What consequences?! The only consequences, if there are any, are for you!' 'Not for me, no...' 'Apparently, there is... Because you're the one who refuse to understand...' 'It's wrong and you know it...' 'Keep telling yourself that... I know it's not... And I'm tired of it... So I'll just accept you for who you are and not try to change you into someone you're not. I'm not like you...' 'Then I suppose there is no point in talking to you...' 'And I guess there's no point for me to stay here anymore...'

No more guilt... No more remorse... No more sympathy... And no more respect for her... That's how I felt the moment I got up from the table... I didn't even look at her anymore... I tried to pretend I wasn't hurt by her harsh words... But the moment I walked away, the tears were already going down my cheeks once more... I went upstairs to my room to pack my bag... Didn't even know what I was throwing in, just a bunch of clothes I found in my closet... It didn't take long before I heard Simon and Catherine arguing downstairs once more... I had to get away from there... And so I did... I called up my grandmother and told her what happened in a nutshell... I told her I had to get away from home and asked her if I could stay over for just a couple of days... She never hesitated and immediately said that I could... Once I got downstairs, I saw that Simon was waiting in the hallway for me and begged me to stay... It wasn't Simon's fault but I had to get away... I told him I was going to stay over at grandma's house for a couple of days but he seemed to understand why I had to go... I gave him a firm hug and pretended as if I wasn't hurt by it... But he knew better than that... Simon saw through that... And with that, I got out of the door and tossed my bag on the backseat... And so I drove off...

My grandmother already opened the door the moment I got out of my car and made my way in her garden... The moment I got in the doorway I just dropped my bag and held my grandmother close, where I started to cry once more... All she did was caressing my hair, whispering that everything would be alright... All day long, we were talking and I couldn't help myself to cry once more... That evening, I helped my grandmother to prepare her guestroom... My grandmother and have been talking all evening but I felt so tired of everything... Once everything was prepared, I sat down on the bed and I finally was able to process everything that happened... I closed my eyes for a moment when my grandmother sat next to me... 'What am I gonna do now, nana...?' 'There's nothing you can do, sweetheart...' 'Perhaps being bi-sexual really is wrong...' 'What makes you doubt yourself, kitten?' 'Everything I ever stood for...' 'But that's not something you should give up... Not after you came such a long way...' 'Heh...' 'You should never doubt yourself when you know it's right...' 'Is it...?' 'Let me put it this way. Does it feel wrong for you to be in love with a girl?' 'No... It doesn't...' 'Then it's the right thing... It's as simple as that, kitten...' 'Yeah, I know but...' 'What exactly makes you doubt yourself?' 'I-I'm not doubting myself but... uhm... I just want Catherine to accept it and that it's possible for me to have feelings for other girls...' 'Hm-mm...' 'And I just don't know how to make her see differently... Because... It wouldn't be any different if only she could see that...' 'You shouldn't let Catherine decide what's right or wrong for you. Only you can determine that...' 'Heh...' 'You've always been a strong and independent young lady who could make her own decisions, whether they were right or wrong... You'll learn from those decisions. No matter what your decision was, whether it was right or wrong, you always believed in them. But this is not a decision you made... This is who you really are... All the more reason to stay true to who you really are and your beliefs and never let anyone to try and change that...' 'Heh... Thank you...' 'It's always my pleasure, kitten...' 'I love you, nana...' 'I love you too, sweetheart...'

My grandmother always knows... She knows how to say the right things to make me feel better... Always managed to take away every doubt that I had... I can't tell you how I felt when she caressed my hair and looked at me... I can't tell you how much it meant to me when my grandmother was there to support me unconditionally...

It had me doubt myself, I admit... Hearing all those stupid excuses that was supposed to explain why it was wrong almost made me think that it was a bad thing to have feelings for the same gender... If you hear it long enough, you'll start to believe whatever you're hearing... And while I was in bed that night, many hours after I turned the lights off, I kept thinking about it... It's funny how people always tell you what's right and wrong but no one can make those decisions for you. Only you can... As if people want to have influence on someone else's life with the decisions they're taking for you. But my life is not theirs to live... Only I can... People might not have to share the same opinion about my bi-sexuality but it's not in their right to tell me that it's wrong... It's not in their rights to tell me who I had to fall in love with... It's not in their rights to tell me what makes me happy... My grandmother was right about it... To stay true to who I really am and for what I believe in... Talking to my grandmother only made me more confident that I wasn't wrong about it, no matter... I never was and never will... Simply because it defines me who I am...