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I was on my way home but the many red traffic-lights I encountered gave me a lot of time to think. How the fuck was I able to be so goddamn stupid? So fucking naïve? Why the fuck did I had to tell her? I shouldn't have told her about my feelings for her... What made it worse was that I actually kissed her, which made everything a whole lot more difficult... I wanted to tell Terry, I had to. I owed it to him... So without thinking things through, I drove to his house instead... I didn't even know if he was home considering I was so upset with everything that I just haven't thought about it. But Terry was home. I took him apart and once we were alone, I had a chunk stuck in my throat as the tears were rolling down my face once more... I was beating around the bushes and there wasn't much sense in my story while Terry kept saying that he didn't understand and kept asking me what was wrong... But you know... At some point, I didn't know how to tell him anymore... So I got away from him as fast as I could and drove straight home... I shouldn't have done that to Terry... He deserved so much better...

Things just seemed to go from bad to worse... How the hell was I ever able to tell Terry after that pathetic attempt to come out? If I did, I would tell him I'm bi-sexual but still hid the fact I fell in love with his best friend... Guys take it the wrong way if a girl cheats on them with another dude and you might think that they won't make much of a fuzz if their girlfriend cheats on another girl. I can assure you, that wouldn't be the case with me... See, I've put Terry through a lot of bullshit in the past and if I would tell him that I was in love with Nikki, everything he ever did and everything he ever scarified for me would've been for nothing in the end... I know how that feels, which is why I didn't want him to experience the same... What I didn't know was that I was only going to make it worse...

Earlier that day, I bought a carton of Marlboro cigarettes at the gas-station where I refuelled my car. The carton contained nineteen cigarettes and normally, it would last more than two days but by the end of the evening, I've only had five more cigarettes left... After I came home, I skipped dinner and immediately went to my room, sitting in the window sill... Every time I got reminded of how fucked up the situation was, I lit up a cigarette in an attempt to clear my mind... It only seemed to do the opposite... The situation itself wasn't as fucked up as I thought it was but the way I tried to handle it was. People were overwhelming me with advice but that's exactly the reason why I started to panic. I just didn't know what to do anymore and it was driving me crazy... Talking to people about the things that were bothering me never felt as a solution to me because I was the one who had to act in the end. They weren't able to solve it for me... Only I could... So I had to tell Terry the truth... I had to confront the two of them... But remembering how it went earlier that day made me want to bury myself out of shame... I was still very scared... People always say to trust your guts and instincts and everything will be fine. But from my experience, trusting your guts and instincts didn't always turned out to have the desired effects... It all depends on the choices you make of which you think are right to do...

Truth be told, I was slowly losing it... Knowing the feelings were mutual between Nikki and me drove me insane... Because I didn't know anymore what I needed the most... Who I needed the most... Making a choice between Nikki or Terry felt as if I had to choose between Lemon Ice-Tea or Peach Ice-Tea... They're both awesome yet slightly different and I can't tell which one's my favourite... Metaphorically speaking of course... No matter how difficult it would be, I had to confront them... They had to know... One moment, I felt totally confident about it and the next, I was scared shitless to tell them...

Over the following week, Nikki and I weren't hanging out... I barely saw her that week... And I fucked it up real good this time... Terry wasn't aware of anything that was happening and even though I tried to keep up appearances, Terry just knew that something was up but whenever he asked, I came up with some bullshit story... It wasn't until then I seriously started to doubt if Terry really made me happy... The longer I was separated from Nikki, the more miserable I started to feel... I thought of her during the day... I thought of her during the night... Whenever Terry's lips touched mine, I tasted hers... Intimate moments with Terry all of a sudden weren't so special to me anymore... I wasn't able to tell if that really was what I need... The more I thought to myself that it wasn't what I needed, the more confused I became... The more confused I was, the more I started to panic... The more I panicked, the more I realized I had to tell them... I had to stop lying about everything but how...? I didn't know anymore... And desperate needs lead to desperate deeds...

I remember it all too well... That Friday evening, Catherine was making dinner in the kitchen when I came home from college at around half passed five. I sat down at the kitchen table and watched Catherine how she was preparing dinner. She already noticed that something was up with me with the way I was behaving lately and several moments later, Simon came in the kitchen to get a glass of cola when Catherine sat across me at the table... 'Is everything alright, sweetheart?'

I sighed quietly and I realized that this couldn't go on like this anymore... I rubbed my eyes for a moment and averted them from hers when I didn't really know what to say... And after a lot of hesitation, I just didn't know what to do anymore... All I could think of was that I had to tell her... 'I, uh... I have something to tell you... Something that has been going on for a very long time... But it's not until now that things started to get so complicated... A-And I just don't know what to do anymore...' 'Oh? What's troubling you then?'

I looked at Simon and he stopped dead in his tracks when he heard me while Catherine looked a little puzzled... Simon just looked at me as if he just knew, you know...? He looked at me for a moment and nodded when he got hold of another glass and filled it up with cola. He took his seat next to me and placed a glass in front of me on the table... My throat felt dry but the glass of cola didn't really help once I chucked it down my throat... Already felt a nauseous feeling crawling up my throat and my stomach was twisting the moment I realized I was about to tell her... Perhaps that was just the cola I felt bubbling in my stomach... Simon placed an arm around my shoulder and gently squeezed it, letting me know that he had my back... It felt good to know that... I bit my upper lips, looked at him for a moment and that's when I started to talk... I held Catherine's hands when I told her the whole story... How I met Terry's best friend, Nikki... How much of a wonderful girl she is... The things I started to feel whenever I was with her... How much I wanted to be with her... As I was telling my story, I saw how her smile was slowly turned upside down... Once I was done, it stayed quiet for a long time as I was wiping the tears from my eyes... When she asked what I meant with that, I quietly uttered that I'm bi-sexual... That I know it for seven years and that I had relationships with girls before... I expected her to react... But not like this... An uncomfortable silence filled the kitchen and when I finally had the guts to face her, she looked at me as if I was carrying some highly infectious disease... Catherine shook her head in disbelieve and kept asking me why I made that choice... I tried to explain her that it wasn't a choice... That it never was... That it was always something I felt... But whether she didn't want to understand or if it was ignorance that made her refuse to understand didn't make me feel any better... It made me feel worse than I already felt... She became mad at me... Mad at me for something I didn't chose for while I didn't know why... When Simon started to back me up, Catherine became angry at him as well, for not telling her while he already knew about me... I heard them arguing while I just sat there, with the tears rolling down my face... The stupidest excuses came by that was supposed to explain why she thought it was wrong... That it's not natural and that I made the wrong choice... No matter what I tried, no matter what was said, she simply just refused to listen and refused to understand... And that's when Catherine told me that I wasn't her daughter anymore... Hearing her say that to me felt as if I got stabbed in the heart with a knife over and over again... And at that point, I felt like I was losing myself... I had to get away... So I left the kitchen as fast as I could to seek refuge in my room... But even with the door closed, I could still hear the two of them arguing... They were arguing over me... And at some point, I couldn't take it anymore... I grabbed my car-keys from my desk, got downstairs and went out of the door as quickly as I could... And I drove off without looking back...

So where the fuck was I supposed to go now...? Going to Terry wouldn't solve anything... He would only ask me questions of which I didn't know the answer to... Going to Nikki after I fucked it up with her...? I felt too ashamed after what happened with her... My mind was spinning while I was driving and I was so upset that I hardly paid attention to the road... I didn't even know where the hell I was going... Drove through several red lights, forgot to stop at an intersection and almost had a collision when I cut someone off... I wasn't able to deal with it anymore and I had to a hold myself... I came across a parking lot of a supermarket which was empty when I arrived... I parked my car there so that I could calm down and pull myself together... My heart was pounding in my throat and with shaky hands, I lit a cigarette... Rolling down the window to get some fresh air didn't do the trick... But after a while, I started to calm down... Once everything started to sink in, I was crying my eyes out behind the wheel... Slamming the steering-wheel with my free hand while cursing out loud as the tears were rolling down my face... I don't know how long I stayed there at the parking lot... But once I managed to get a hold of myself, I realized I only had one person to go to...

The moment she opened the door, her smile was wiped off from her face when she saw my red soggy eyes... It became an expression of sympathy instead... I hugged her tight and I started to cry once more... We made our way to the living room where I could sit down and my grandmother was confused at first... Once I managed to calm down, I told her everything that happened at home... Things were just so fucked up and so surreal... I talked to her about everything that happened... Told her that Catherine said to me that I wasn't her daughter anymore because of it... And all my grandmother did was looking at me in disbelieve... 'Did she really tell you that, kitten...?' 'She did...' 'What did Simon do?' 'He was there for me... But... the two of them had a huge fight over it... A-And I just couldn't take it anymore, which is why I had to leave...' 'I understand... This isn't your fault, kitten.'

I looked at her as I had a weak smile on face and nodded, while I was still wiping the tears out of my eyes... And then my grandmother went to her kitchen to make us some tea... While she was in the kitchen, I realized I had to call Simon to let him know where I was... So I grabbed my mobile phone and dialled his mobile number. After several moments, he answered it... 'Hey, where are you, sweetheart?' 'I-I'm at grandma's house...' 'Alright... How are you feeling?' 'Everything is just so fucked up, I can't take this anymore... I-I'm just...' 'Just come home, okay...? And the three of us will talk about it...' 'N-No... I need time to think, Simon... A-And... I can't do that at home... I-I don't know what to do right now... ' 'I understand...' 'Heh...' 'I'll give Catherine some time to cool off... And I'll talk to her, alright...? Don't worry, sweetheart, she'll come around...' 'Thank you... I-I don't know if I want to come home just yet... And... I-I don't know if I could...' 'Then where will you stay...?' 'I don't know... I'll be alright...' 'She didn't mean it, you know...' 'B-But she said it...! Catherine doesn't accept me for who I am...! I-It hurt me... And... I-I just...' 'You're not to blame over this, okay...? Give her some time... We'll get through this...' 'Y-Yeah... Yeah, okay...' 'Everything's gonna be alright...' 'I hope so...' 'Will you be staying at grandma's house tonight...?' 'I-I don't know... uhm... I-I just need to be away for a while... But I'll let you know, okay...?' 'That's okay... Just stay in touch with me, alright?' 'Y-Yeah, I will... I love you, Simon... Thank you...' 'I love you too, sweetheart...'

Once the call got disconnected, I was just staring at the display of my mobile phone... As if it would contain all the answers I needed, you know... But it didn't... I always managed to find a way to get through, either for the best or for the worst... But for the first time in my life, I had the feeling as if I had nowhere to go... Several moments later, my grandmother came in the living-room, carrying a tray with two cups of tea and sugar pot... And of course, her tin cookie jar... She placed a cup of tea in front of me on the table and poured some sugar in it... 'Thank you, nana...' 'That's quite alright, dear...' 'Heh... I just... I-I just can't believe what is happening, you know... I mean...' 'I can't believe it either, kitten...' 'Just... What can I do...? Catherine... She just...' 'Catherine just has to accept the way things are...' 'But even if she did, doesn't mean she would accept the fact that I'm bi-sexual...' 'Catherine is simply afraid of something she don't know... But it's important that you should talk to her about it as well...' 'I-I can't... Not after what happened...' 'It doesn't have to be right away... Give it some time and talk to her about it when you feel ready. Simon and I will be there for you if you want us to be there... But I also believe you should talk to Nicole and talk about how confused you feel about her.' 'She already knows... And she has feelings for me but at the same time, is not interested from what I've heard from her...' 'Yes, but does her explanation satisfy you...? Does it give you peace?' 'No... Because I know she feels the same...' 'Then you should talk... Keep talking until you have everything off your chest. Once you did that, you would feel more confident to tell Terry...' 'I don't want him to react the same way as Catherine did...' 'I don't believe he would...' 'How would you know for sure...?' 'Terry has a lesbian friend for years... Do you think it would be any different between the two of you if you told him you're bi-sexual...?' 'No...'

I closed my eyes for a while to let everything sink in... I wanted to be at peace but how was that even possible when others were not? I know what you're thinking... I shouldn't have give a fuck about what other people think about me... Catherine's not my mother... But you have to understand that despite the fact I didn't considered her as my mother, she was willing to be one for me... And I can't tell you how much that meant to me ... But that was gone so all of a sudden... I can't tell you how much that has hurt me... It seemed as if I had an infinite supply of tears... Once that started to sink in, the tears were rolling down my face once more... And my grandmother saw that... 'Oh, kitten... Come here...'

I got up and sat next to her where she put her arm around my shoulder and gave me a firm hug while I rested my head on her shoulder... The bitter tears of mine hit her shoulder as I clenched my teeth, in an attempt to keep it together... But my grandmother placed her hand on my head and caressed my hair... That's when I knew I didn't had to act so tough about it... As if it didn't do anything to me... I wouldn't be fooling her... Only myself... I had no reason to hold back anymore... My grandmother made me realize that no one expects me to be... No one does... Especially not her... I was sobbing in her arms... Cried like I haven't cried in many years... I guess that was all I needed... Just a shoulder to cry on...

When I finally managed to calm down, my grandmother looked at me and I realized that she was right. It was time to put all the bullshit behind me... My grandmother and I talked for another while about it and it made me realize that I needed answers from Nicole in order to move on. But what bothered me the most was that there were two people I had feelings for now, which made things more complicated... The fact that I fell in love with a girl didn't make it easier for me... And what's worse was that I had a boyfriend who would do absolutely everything for me to be happy, as he proved many times over in the past. I had to tell Nikki that even though the feelings were mutual, it was best that we would stay friends. And then I would tell Terry that I'm bi-sexual and then when the time is right, the three of us would talk about it... At least, that was the plan I had in my mind that evening... A plan that seemed so straight forward that would set everything right and it gave me hope... I told my grandmother about it... And that I had to see Nikki... She nodded and smiled when I said that I had to do that... My plan seemed so pretty straight forward... But as you know by now, things hardly ever go the way I plan...

On the way driving to her place, it started to rain heavily, completely unexpected... In just a short moment, the roads were completely blank and the vision was unclear, especially in the dark. My windshield wipers were going up and down like crazy and it surprised me that they haven't been torn off yet... Luckily, downtown Ravello was easily accessible by car and it took me about ten minutes before I reached her apartment... Cars were parked on both sides of the road and I didn't even see a space where I could park my car... Normally, I always had spot very close to her building complex but that evening, there wasn't for some reason... So I had to park my car on the parking lot just further down but with the way it was raining, I was very reluctant to do so... Just because this kitty actually does like water doesn't mean she likes to get wet involuntarily... But nevertheless, I had to park my car somewhere. I stayed sheltered for several minutes by staying inside my car but the rain just kept on coming... It's funny what I was thinking that evening... Perhaps the rain was all symbolic or something... Symbolic of all the tears I've shed that day... But it was actually quite beautiful to watch... Seeing the city and all the lights reflect in the streets by the water... Surreal is the right word to describe it... But I had to get out of my car eventually... The rain didn't seemed to be so beautiful anymore once I opened the door... So I quickly locked it and ran as fast as I could to the building complex to get inside. On the way, I stepped in a puddle which soaked my jeans and boots. Not that it would've mattered anyway, I was already soaked after several steps. Once I reached the door that gives access to the staircase, I noticed a guy standing there with the door open, hesitating to run or not. Seeing as the door was open, I could go inside without ringing her doorbell outside. The guy made a remark about the weather but I didn't respond to him. Shortly after that, he unlocked his car from a distance with the remote and ran as fast as he could to his car. His car was parked right in front of the building and I watched him driving off... "Stupid asshole... That could've been my spot..."

I ran up the stairs as fast as I could with my soaked clothes but you can imagine that wasn't exactly so easy... I had to catch my breath for a moment once I got to the third floor and made my way to the left, all the to end of the corridor... I didn't even know if she was home... I haven't even thought of that... But with the way things were going, I could hardly think... Looking at the doorbell made me hesitate for a while... I bit my upper lip and closed my eyes, as I pressed the doorbell... And I stood there for a moment, feeling really anxious... Several moments later, I heard a click in the lock and I heard the door opened up very slowly... Once I looked up, I saw that Nikki's head was peaking around the door, looking very surprised at me... 'Hi...' 'Hey, Nikki...' 'You, uh... Y-You wanna come in...? You looked soaked...'

I quickly nodded and that's when she opened the door to let me in. Nikki rushed to her bathroom to get me a towel to wipe my face dry. I took my boots off and unzipped my jacket... Nikki took my jacket and hanged it to dry in the bathroom above her bathtub on a coat-hanger... I nodded quietly to thank her... Everything was absolutely soaked... Even my socks were... 'I-I don't know if it'll fit you but you can wear some dry clothes of my roommate if you like...' 'She's not here?' 'No, she's not...'

She went into the other bedroom and came out several moments later with grey jogging trousers and clean socks... I doubt those socks would fit me with my size fourteen... I took my socks and jeans off and dried my feet off with the towel. Nikki took my jeans and hanged them to dry in the bathroom as well. The jogging trousers were way too small for me... Luckily, the were rather baggy so they fitted but the way it looked on me resembled more like three/fourth kaki shorts... I looked absolutely ridiculous like that with my big feet... I tried to put those socks on but noticed my toes didn't even fit in there... I didn't even noticed Nikki was watching me when I tried to put those socks on... So I left it there... 'Heh... The socks are too small for me...' 'Maybe I can find another pair for you...' 'No, no, it's okay... Thank you...'

She smiled weakly at me and there was this uncomfortable, awkward moment of silence when the two of us were staring in blank space... 'Can I get you anything, Ceylan...? A drink or... Something else...?' 'No... I'm fine... Thanks... I just need to talk to you...' 'Of course...'

Nikki looked at me and expected me to say something but I already felt that nauseous feeling crawling up my throat... Slowly, I felt how my stomach was twisting itself once more as I tried my best to put everything aside and focus on her instead... To tell her what I wanted her to know... But that wasn't exactly so easy... 'What's wrong, Ceylan...? Are you really that upset about what happened...?' 'Yeah... I am... Because you and I feel the same way about it and... I-I think you know why I'm here...' 'I think I do...' 'If the feelings really are mutual, Nic, then why are we doing this...?' 'I wish I knew... I don't know what to do...' 'Neither do I... But... there's more to it...' 'There is...?' 'Yeah... I told my parents about it...' 'A-About what...?'

It stayed silent for a long time, while I was trying to find the rights words... I couldn't think straight anymore... And I let my heart do all the talking... 'I-I told them about my feelings for you... I-I told them myself... On my own...' 'Oh... What happened...?' 'I took my dad apart and told him several days ago... He was a bit surprised but he took it very well... And he told me that he wants me to be happy with whoever it is I'm sharing my life with... Either with a guy or... A girl... But...' 'But...?' 'I told my mom today and... My dad supported me when I told her... But all she did was shaking her head and... asked me why I made that choice a-and... I-I tried to explain it b-but she just wouldn't listen a-and then...'

"Oh god, here it goes again..." I felt how my lips were trembling and the tears were rolling over my cheek once more... And then all of a sudden, I couldn't hold myself anymore... It felt like a tidal wave hitting me of which I wasn't able to stay upright... It caused me to cry once more... The moment she saw me crying, I looked her in the eyes... For a moment there, I could see a sign of compassion from her... Something that I needed the most... Especially from her... Nikki sat next to me and held me tight when I was crying... 'She got so angry all of a sudden, and told me I wasn't her daughter anymore! and when my dad wanted to reason with her, they got into a serious fight!' 'Oh... I-I'm sorry...' 'I-I can't do this anymore, Nic! I can't pretend to be someone I'm not! I can't pretend to be what other people want me to be...!' 'I know...' 'A-And I have to tell Terry b-but I don't want him to react like that...!' 'I'm sure he'll understand...' 'But I'm so scared, Nic...! Everything is falling apart right in front of me! I don't want everything to fall apart here!' 'It's gonna be alright... Trust me... Your mom will come around...'

I had no idea what else to say, really... All I could do was to cry in her arms that evening... It gave me much comfort... But I made one fatal mistake... A mistake I wasn't realizing at the time... Whatever happened to this thing called rational thinking...? I wasn't able to... Not anymore... All I could think of were my own feelings... How much they've been hurt and how vulnerable it made me feel... Never in my life have I ever felt so insecure about my orientation... For the first time in my life, I felt very scared about it... And I guess that's the reason why I wasn't able to think rational anymore... That's the reason why I wasn't able to tell Nikki that we had to stay friends despite our mutual feelings for each other... Feeling scared only caused me to trust on my feelings, now more then ever... And my feelings told me I needed her the most... I wanted to tell Nikki about my confused feelings for her... But that evening, I realized deep down inside I wasn't confused about her... I was confused about Terry... The feelings I felt for Nikki only grew... She was there for me when I needed her... And that's all that mattered to me...

I've been crying in her arms for a while as Nikki stayed silent... But I had to know from her... I needed assurance... A confirmation if you will... 'D-Do you realize... D-Do you realize what I sacrificed for you...?' 'I know...' 'Nikki... If you... If you have any feelings for me... Please... Just be honest. Because... I-I couldn't have been more honest just now... And... I-I need to know... Please...'

Nikki closed her eyes for a moment and sighed quietly... She averted her eyes the moment she opened them and started to talk very quietly... ' 'I-I would be lying if I said that I don't have any feelings for you... I do have feelings for you, Ceylan... I really do... Except... I-I don't really know how to deal with it. And... I know it's not easy and I know you don't want Terry to know about it but... I-It just feels wrong to be with you because of your relationship with Terry, you know...?' 'Yeah... I know...' 'I don't know what to say...'

Awkward silence once more... I looked at her and felt the butterflies in my stomach the moment she caressed my hair... I closed my eyes for a moment and felt myself drifting away... Nikki rested her head on my shoulder where I could smell that subtle hint of coconut wax she always uses... 'All my life I've been dreaming of this moment, you know... And now that it's here, I don't know what to do...' 'You're not the only one who's scared about this...' 'I know, Ceylan... But I can honestly say that I never felt so attracted to anyone before and... Ever since the day I first saw you, I longed for a chance to be with you... But you had feelings for Terry instead... And I stayed silent because I was afraid of your rejection... But that is also the reason why my feelings for you were only getting stronger... You were so close to me yet so far away...' 'Heh...' 'Part of me wants to be with you and make it all happen... But another part of me doesn't want to give into it, simply because you're Terry's girlfriend a-and I can't do that him...' 'We'll tell him...' 'How, Ceylan...? How can we tell him that we have feelings for each other...?' 'I-I don't know yet... All I know is that I need you the most... I can't do this on my own...' 'Yeah... Perhaps your right...' 'Thank you...'

I looked at Nikki and gave her a quick kiss on her cheeks... And all she did was looking at me... And Nikki was right... She was so close to me and so far away... But I needed her, now more then ever... And then all of a sudden, Nikki placed her hands on my cheeks... The look in her eyes said everything I needed to know... Her eyes told me so much... I saw the hesitation in her eyes yet she longed for it... I understand why she hesitated... But still did it nevertheless... Nikki got on top of me as her head moved closer to mine... I closed my eyes as her lips gently touched mine... It startled me as I didn't expect this... I guess Nikki wasn't able to hold herself back anymore as well... I honestly cannot describe how I felt when she did... It was wonderful... But then she stopped... And looked at me instead... 'I-I'm sorry... I, uhm...' 'It's okay...' 'Heh...' 'I, eh... N-Never really kissed someone before... so...' 'You didn't...?' 'No... But... I think you already figured that out... Heh...' 'That's alright...' 'Y-Yeah... I-I guess...' 'It's ok... You just... need to... Tilt your head a little...'

I closed my eyes as I placed my hands on her cheek and tilted her head a little, gently pressing my lips against hers... My tongue touched her lips and that's when she opened her mouth a bit... Gently... Slowly... She never kissed anyone like that in her life before... But that didn't matter to me... I felt an aroused tingle going through my stomach the moment our tongues touched each other... Slowly, very slowly... I felt that this is how Nikki has always imagined it to be... But then all of a sudden, Nikki stopped and moved her head away... 'Heh... I-I, uhm...' 'What's wrong...?' 'Nothing... It's just... I never imagined it to be like this...' 'It's alright... We'll tell Terry first...' 'Yeah... Yeah, okay... ' 'Heh...' 'What will you do now...? Are you uhm... A-Are you going back or...?' 'I don't wanna go home, Nic... Not after what happened this evening...' 'Then where will you go...?' 'I don't know... Maybe I can stay over at my grandmother's house for the night...' 'Or...' 'Or...?' 'Or you can stay here for a couple of days if you like... Until everything is sorted out with your mom...' 'Heh... I'd like that...' 'I still got a spare toothbrush somewhere. So you can use that and well... About nighties and stuff... You can take one from Meagan. She hardly ever comes by these days so I don't think she would mind if you take one.' 'Heh... Thank you...'

I called my grandmother and Simon at around nine o'clock. I told them I was at Nikki's place and that I was going to stay over for the night. I needed time to think... I needed some time alone, with her so that we could talk about my confused feelings for her and I would come out to Terry for being bi-sexual. Even now when I finally came out, I was still lying to myself... Because that's what I wanted to believe... But deep down inside, I already knew that it wasn't...

I know I shouldn't have done this... I know I should've told Terry from the very beginning... I know I should've told Nikki that we had to stay friends... But was it something that I really wanted...? Did I really wanted to stay friends with her when I knew the feelings I had for her were mutual...? No, I didn't... After everything that happened that evening, I felt so fragile and so vulnerable... All the emotions I felt that evening... It was so overwhelming... I wasn't able to hide it any longer, not from Nikki... I know she didn't felt comfortable about it... Yet she still gave into her feelings... I didn't really know what happened that evening... Perhaps I was desperate to find a way out of this whole mess... I knew I would feel more confident about it with Nikki at my side, which gave me all the more reason to believe I was able to tell him. I was intending to tell Terry with Nikki by my side... I was intending to keep everything on-hold until everything was settled... But after I saw how Catherine reacted when I told her, I became very scared to tell him, even more than I already was... The truth is, I wasn't realizing that evening that I was cheating on Terry... It sure didn't felt like that... And it didn't even made me feel bad about it that evening... It's because I felt the need for her affection, especially that evening... As if my needs would justify my actions... That it was alright for me to do so as long as it made me happy... I know it wasn't right what I did... But I wasn't realizing it that evening... Not when I was with her...