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With the way things were going for Terry and me, it was inevitable for us to take things to the next level. Everything that Terry and I experienced together in bed made me see sex from a total different perspective. The line between "sex" and "passion" was slowly fading away between the two of us and it started to make me feel comfortable to explore things for myself, to see what I really like. To the outside world, people didn't know what I was up to with Terry in the bedroom. And it should stay that way. After everything that happened, I've created a high sense of morality when it comes to having sex... But that was exactly when things started to get complicated for me. I've had a wonderful boyfriend... But that wonderful boyfriend also had a wonderful friend named Nicole... Sometimes when I was around her, I felt something I haven't felt in years... Something genuine... Something I wasn't able to place... And then she told me something unexpected... Confessed to me that she's lesbian... And I really admired her for her courage, to come out like that... It made me realize that she has been more honest than I've ever been, even with myself... I thought to myself that my feelings for girls have always been a stage for me that I was going through but now that night, when Nikki came out to me, it had me doubting again if it really was a stage... It made me feel as if I was lying to myself while didn't why... Maybe it's because I was just too afraid... Afraid that if I told Terry, that we would be struggling through the bullshit again that I've created, like we did in the past. Maybe that's the reason why I didn't told Terry back then... At some point though, I started to notice it... Nevertheless, I tried to ignore those feelings as much as possible... Until I wasn't able to deny it any longer...

Everything was absolutely perfect for me... I managed to let the past stay the past as the months passed by... Things were no longer an issue for me... Terry satisfied me in every way imaginable... Even sexually... And I satisfied him sexually as well, something I thought I was never capable of... Terry and I have always been open about sex to each other and that's something most couples don't do. I know it can be awkward to bring that particular topic up and it sure as hell isn't a table conversation. But it's all worth it... Trust me when I say that it is... Terry wore me out every time we had sex and I made sounds I didn't know I was capable of... Sex was still romantic and passionate between the two of us, sharing lots of kisses and hugs but sometimes, we were at it like animals, haha... It all depended on the mood, really... Me being on top of him for the very first time was a wonderful experience... I was so happy that I was finally able to give in without being afraid... So Terry and I were at it whenever we could... It surprises me that our parents never caught us having sex together at night... But perhaps they already knew... So yeah, my love and sex life were amazing... I really hit the jackpot with Terry... My grandmother and Samantha were the only people I trusted enough to let them in on my love and sex life, mainly because of all the troubles and difficulties I was facing at the time. And even though the two of them have always given me advice, I never thought I was the one giving it to others. But like I once said, little kittens grow up...

It happened on a Saturday evening when my relatives and family were spending time at my grandmother's house. I was outside in the back-garden, smoking a cigarette when my cousin Laura came in the garden as well. I never really had a good bond with my cousins but ever since my little cousin Ashley was born six years earlier, the bond I had my with my cousins became closer. Especially with Laura, seeing as she was the oldest. That evening, she came to me to have a particular conversation that is inevitable for every young girl who's growing up. And it was that particular evening where she looked a little uneasy... Laura came to me, holding two cups of tea. 'Hey, Ceylan...' 'Oh hey.' 'I made you some tea.' 'Ah, thanks.' 'Can I sit next to you?' 'Sure thing.'

She sat next to me and stared at her cup for a moment. There was this awkward moment of silence as she nervously started to play with her teaspoon. I looked at her and I knew that something was bothering her. The quiet sighs she gave every once in a while was enough for me to know... 'Are you going somewhere tonight with Terry...?' 'No, we don't have any plans for tonight. I guess we'll just have a quiet evening together at his place.' 'What made you fell in love with him?' 'That's the thing, I don't really know. He's handsome... Terry makes me laugh... He knows how to say the right things... But I guess his big friendly smile was the decisive factor for me.' 'So... When did you knew...?' 'Knew what...?' 'That you fell in love with him...?' 'Haha, oh... Well, it wasn't exactly love at first sight. I hated his guts for no obvious reason the first time I met him at my friend's farewell party. I thought he was really smug and a pompous prick the way he presented himself.' 'Really?' 'Hm-mm... It wasn't his fault though, mostly mine. I never wanted to deal with males and tried to avoid them as much as possible. I closed the door for every male who tried to approach me when all of sudden, Terry came barging in.' 'Oh...' 'But... I knew I had to open myself up and everything but letting a guy in on my life was a little too much for me, so I was really on my toes.' 'So how did you two ended up together eventually?' 'Because Terry's a lot like me. He doesn't take no for an answer. And slowly but steady, we got to get to know each other a little better until one day, he asked me out on a date.' 'He did?' 'Hm-mm... We played miniature golf.' 'Miniature golf??' 'Yes, haha! Didn't I tell you? He was joking when he said he had that in mind but I thought he was being serious. So we went on our "date" and it proved to be a lot more fun then I ever thought it would be. And well, that's when things started to go naturally for me...'

Laura smiled at me and took a sip from her tea when she was looking in blank space again. It stayed silent for another moment until she looked at me once more... 'I've been meaning to ask you something...' 'What's on your mind?' 'There's this guy I really like... And I've been seeing him now for over two months... Mom doesn't know I have a boyfriend...' 'I see...' 'He's really cool but he wants to... You know...' 'Hm-mm...' 'And I don't really know what I should do...' 'What do your feelings tell you to do?' 'I don't know, I really want to... But the thought of it makes me nervous... We had sex before but it wasn't all the way, if you know what I mean...' 'Hm...'

I took a sip from my hot cup of tea and took a puff from my cigarette... I closed my eyes for a moment when I exhaled through my nose and stared in blank space... I think Laura expected me to talk about it but I didn't want to. And the reason for that is because Laura wasn't the only one who felt nervous about this particular conversation... Sex always was an issue for me and now she wanted advice from me...? My situation was a whole lot different at the time then hers... So I wanted to end the conversation by getting back inside again when I was stubbing out my cigarette in the ashtray I carried with me. The moment I got up from the bench, she desperately looked at me to talk about it... I guess that wasn't the only thing that caused me to get up... It was also a bit of a shock to hear that she had sex at the age of sixteen... I was way younger when I first had sex... Semi consensual sex at the age of twelve with a woman who was eleven years older than I was but still sex nonetheless... But that's why I wanted her to realize it... And I know how embarrassing it can be... Laura had no one to go to for advice... I wanted to get away because I didn't had to deal with it anymore... So why would I choose to deal with it again when it wasn't my burden to bear? It wasn't relevant for me to talk about it anymore. But it was relevant for her... So the moment I realized that, I sat down next to her... 'How do you feel about it when it happens...?' 'It feels good...' 'And...?' 'What do you mean...?' 'What causes you to doubt...?' 'Uhm... My friend says it hurts bad when you go all the way...' 'It doesn't necessarily have to... But do you feel that he's trying to force you into it?' 'No, he doesn't...' 'I see... Well, the most important thing is that he isn't forcing you into it.' 'Can I ask you something...?' 'Sure...' 'Uhm... How do you exactly know when your ready for it...?' 'It's something you can feel from the inside. I knew I was finally ready for it when... uh...' 'When...?' 'When Terry took all of my doubts and fears away...' 'How did he do that...?'

I really didn't like those questions, you know... Way too personal and way too confronting with the things I've been through. It reminded me of all the bullshit I've put Terry through and the countless of fights we had... I saw the reaction on Terry's face the night I told him... I saw it on Catherine's face many years ago... And I saw it on Blain's face as well when I told him what happened many years ago at Mikaela's place... I didn't want her to go through all that... I didn't want to make things more complicated for her... But that's why I had to talk to her about it, no matter how difficult it was for me... 'Uh... You have to understand that my situation was a lot more different at the time than yours... And I'm not sure if I'm the right person to ask advice from about these kind of things...' 'What do you mean?' 'Heh... I, uh... I-I started to develop a serious fear for males when I was your age... And... I was terrified by every guy who tried to approach me because of things that happened in the past... So when Terry and I first met, I treated him like shit... I acted tough and everything and I tried to intimidate him, hiding my fears behind a rough exterior... Slowly but steady, he managed to break down a wall I've build for him until he saw the real me... An insecure, scared little girl... It took a really long time and we had a lot of fights before I was finally able to give in to my feelings for him...'

I took a deep breathe and exhaled slowly when I slowly started to realize what I was telling her... I didn't want her to know everything that happened... The only thing that is relevant for her to know is how I accomplished it... 'Terry and I became friends and things eventually started to go naturally for me... We started seeing each other more... But sex has always been a major issue for me and Terry eventually wanted to take the next step... And I got so confused and so scared because of it... I did and said things I shouldn't have to him and we had a lot of fights... It took a long time but... Terry managed to take all of my fears away... And that's when I knew I was ready to go all the way...'

It takes a few moments to let it all sink in... I took another sip from my cup of tea and looked at her. But all she had was a bit of a puzzled look on her face... 'You were scared of sex...?' 'In a way, yes... I really was... But I was also very nervous and very confused about sex... Terry and I talked a lot about it. We started to take little baby steps at a time and it took months before I was finally able to go all the way.' 'Terry's your first boyfriend...?' 'The very first one, yes...' 'So... When did you go all the way for the first time...?' 'Hehehe... About two months ago...' 'Really...?' 'Yes... But... What I'm trying to tell you is... I know you feel a certain kind of pressure of doing something your not feeling comfortable with... But you need to take your time and focus on what is important to you. Talk to him about it, tell him what makes you feel nervous about it. You've got all the time in the world to find out for yourself... I knew Terry was the one because he waited for me to be ready... And your boyfriend should wait too if he really loves you...'

It stayed silent for another moment but I knew that silence wouldn't stay long. I knew she had so many other questions about it... About my experiences and the way I feel whenever it happened... It's all part of it. And it wasn't until that night when I finally started to understand how Catherine must've felt whenever we had a conversation like this. It rarely happened, which only made it more awkward for her. But I realized I had to be there for Laura... I didn't want her to make the same mistakes that I made even though I didn't felt comfortable about it at all... All I could do was to share my experiences of things that happened in the past... I really had to be careful of what I was gonna tell her... I wasn't intending to share my sexual experiences, no matter how much she wanted to. All I wanted to share were the things I've learned from it... 'Laura... To me, sex is sacred... Your body is like a temple and you must protect it from everyone who tries to desecrate it... Don't let others take advantage of it... Don't give yourself so easily to anyone, not even your boyfriend...' 'Haha, well, a temple is probably-' 'Please, listen to me... I'm serious...' 'Uhm... Okay...' 'I can't tell you what you should and shouldn't do. All I can give you is my advice from my experiences. But my experiences with sex weren't exactly happy ones. And I often blamed myself even though I wasn't the one to blame. You'd be surprised how easily your dignity is shattered by other people... It's the only thing in the world worth having and you should never let anyone take it away from you... ' 'What happened that made you so afraid of it...?' 'It's not relevant for you to know... But... Trust me when I say that I know what I'm talking about...' 'Didn't you like having sex then...?' 'Hm... I thought I did... It's funny when someone keeps telling you that you like it, you'll actually start to believe that... And as I got older, I started to see things differently...' 'You make it sound as if it was very complicated for you...' 'It was, yes... It used to be very complicated for me... But it doesn't have to be like that for you as long as you follow your feelings...' 'Why was it so very complicated for you...?'

Was I gonna deny it any longer...? How much longer did I had to lie to myself and to the people around me? It's a situation I've created and it's just the way things are, no matter how complicated it was for me. Still, I stayed silent... After a long moment of silence, I took a sip from my tea and looked at her... 'Perhaps I'll tell you one day, when you're old enough to understand...'

I was this close to tell Laura I'm bi-sexual... My head was spinning in circles that evening... But nevertheless, we talked about sex... I still didn't went into detail about my sexual experiences with Terry because it was too personal for me to share. I never really was the one for sharing my love live, let alone my sexual experiences. Nevertheless, we had a good talk... It really surprised me how confident she was when it came to having sex with her boyfriend, something I never was until Terry took all of my doubts and fears away... But talking about my experiences with Terry made me feel weird about it... I didn't know what caused it... And that night, when I was in bed next to Terry and the lights were turned off, I was staring at the white ceiling, questioning things I thought I knew the answer to long ago... But the answers I thought were right had me doubting if they really were the answers I was looking for... It only made me realize that something was missing... And then one day, I finally found out what I was missing all along...

Nikki and I kept hanging out and slowly but steady, the two of us were growing closer as friends. I admit that I was really surprised when she came out to me but I accepted it and I wasn't bothered by her orientation. It explained a lot about her to say the least... Nevertheless, I treated her differently once I knew about her lesbian orientation. I didn't treat her like shit if that's what you're wondering... No, on the contrary... I became more affectionate to her then I ever was, perhaps even a little flirty... I wasn't realizing it at the time but I was unknowingly flirting with her... Unintentionally... Sometimes, I caught myself checking her out whenever she wasn't looking at me... Holding her hand or giving Nikki a hug made me feel something genuine I wasn't able to place... Pressing my lips against her cheek... I did notice it but wasn't thinking too much about it... Until that day came...

It was on a warm Sunday morning in September when Nikki and I made a stroll through Bymerrow Oaks, approximately a fifteen minute walk from my house. Blain and I used to play in the forests a lot when we were little... We even build a tree house back then... I haven't been there in years but the day I was walking passed all the trees that day with Nikki, made me feel glad I was there with her... So many memories passed by as I strolled along... On the way, Nikki and I talked about all sorts of things. She told me she liked having a quiet walk through the forests... I can't blame her, it's so peaceful... Hearing the birds sing while the sun was shining through the trees was a wonderful thing to have witnessed... I loved being there... Especially with her...

At some point, Nikki asked if I wanted to take a rest so we sat down on a fallen tree. She took off her small backpack she was carrying along and opened it, getting out her sketchbook and a fill pencil. She flipped the pages of her sketchbook until she found a blank space and closed her eyes for a moment while she took a deep breathe and had a peaceful smile on her face... 'I love the scent of the forest so early in the morning...' 'You love coming here, don't you, Nic?' 'Yes, absolutely. I love taking a walk here. It's always so peaceful... It helps to clear my mind.' 'Hehehe...' 'It is an infinite source of inspiration to me.' 'Spoken like a true artist.' 'Hihi well... Uhm... I-I just close my eyes and visualise things...' 'Like what?' 'Heh, the usual, I guess...' 'Does it still bother you...?' 'No, not as much as it used to. Being with you and Terry makes me happy. And I'm content with it. It made me realize that I don't have to have girlfriend in order to be content with my life... I've got two great friends who make me happy and who'll stick with me... As long as I have you and Terry, I know I'll be fine... But sometimes I just wish I was able to find something that the two of you share...' 'I know you will...'

I gently squeezed her hand as a reassuring gesture and all she did was looking at me with a gentle smile... Her eyes were fixated on mine... Her beautiful, violet eyes... Her hand felt soft and tender when she held on to it... Feeling her thumb caressing the palm of my hand... And all of a sudden, she abruptly let go of it and averted her eyes while biting her lip... That's when she got up and walked up to a tree, with her back facing me... 'Ceylan...?' 'Yes...?' 'I-It's not bothering you, is it...?' 'What do you mean?' 'My orientation...? I-I mean... T-The fact that it's pretty much the only thing we're talking about ever since I came out to you...?' 'No, of course not... I can imagine you need to vent it after bottling it up for so many years...' 'You really have no idea how much it means to me, you know... How much it means to me that I can be so open about it to you...' 'No worries...'

It stayed quiet for a while when I just looked at her, standing on the dirt-path looking at all those trees... Nikki's beautiful but that day, I thought she never looked more gorgeous... I've seen her in her underwear the night she got drunk for the first time... Nikki has a gorgeous body that I just simply can't forget... And even though she wore jeans, Converse low top sneakers and a simple spaghetti top, her figure and her curves were there for me to see... I didn't know what I felt when I saw her standing like that... And then all of a sudden, she said it... Very quietly, almost whispering it... 'You mean a lot to me, Ceylan... I can't tell you how lucky I am to have a friend like you...' 'It's the least I can do for you...' 'You did a lot more for me than you know... And... I wanna thank you for that... I just wish I could do more for you... To be the friend that you deserve...' 'Don't say that... I'm not exactly perfect as well... Everyone has flaws...' 'Yes... But you... You're willing to fight for something, like you did for Terry... And seeing how it all turned out in the end makes me believe that you're a very strong-willed woman...' 'You had a part in that too, you know... By talking some sense into him...' 'Perhaps... But in the end, it was you who made it happen and turned everything around for the better... I envy you for what you've accomplished with him... No other woman has ever had such a great influence on him for the better... And I envy you for that as well...' 'Heh...' 'I just wish I was able to meet a woman just like you... And to be with her in the way I want to...' 'Like me?' 'O-Oh, I-I mean, not you in particular b-but... uhm...' 'Someone who's very affectionate?' 'Y-Yes...! It's just... I see how you and Terry get along and... I-I just want the same...' 'You're a romanticist, aren't you...?' 'I just like to keep the idea alive that I'll spend my life together with a girl who's very affectionate to me...' 'Do you still have feelings for your roommate...?' 'Maybe... I guess she's not the one I'm looking for... But she's the only one close enough to me to fantasize about... So it sticks with being a fantasy, knowing she'll never change and that she doesn't have the things I'm looking for in a woman...' 'So what exactly is it that you're looking for in a woman...?'

Nikki took a deep breathe and turned around... She hesitated to speak up her mind and carefully walked back while she was firmly clenching on her sketchbook. When she sat down next to me, she looked at me with her beautiful violet eyes... 'I-I guess... uhm... Someone with a kind heart and who doesn't take me for granted... Someone who can show it to me, who can open my eyes... Someone like you...' 'Heh...' 'D-Don't get me w-wrong though, I-I mean-' 'Relax, it's okay... I know what you mean...' 'I-It's just that... uhm... Do you... Do you believe in love at first sight...?' 'Hardly, hehehe...' 'Well, I-I do... And... All the more reason to keep up hope...' 'I see...'

I looked at Nikki and saw how she had this gentle smile on her face... A beautiful one, like she always has... But after a moment, she averted her eyes and stared at her sketchbook, flipping through several pages until she came across a blank one. She clicked her fill pencil and just started to draw a sketch... And I watch how she formed a picture... It seemed like random scribbles and lines at first but the longer she was at it, the more it started to resemble a feline body... A female, sitting on the ground with her legs up to her chest, resting her head on her crossed arms... She drew the eyes that were staring right at you... It looked as if those eyes were staring right into your soul... And it was beautiful to see how that drawing was taking its form... It was still a sketch but looked really good... It took her about twenty minutes to finish that sketch and all this time, I've been watching her... 'How'd you learn it?' 'Hm?' 'How'd you learn to draw like that?' 'By just doing it... I've been drawing for as long as I can remember. It's a way for me to relax and...' 'And...?' 'No, no, it's stupid...' 'Tell me.' 'It's also a way for me to deal with things that happened when I was little...' 'I see...' 'Do you think it's... strange... for me to draw these kind of things...?' 'You draw to express your emotions...' 'Yes...?' 'I think that... Life wouldn't be worth living for if it wasn't for self-expression...' 'Heh...' 'It's because I have that too, you know...' 'What do you mean?' 'Something similar to express myself... To deal with things that happened in the past... I write...' 'What exactly do you write...?' 'I keep a diary, ever since I was five years old... And up to this day, I still write my diary occasionally. It's not until recently I also started to write poems...' 'Poems...?' 'Yes... I write one only to never look back at it again. No one has ever read them and I intend that no one ever will.' 'Why is that?' 'Uhm... I don't know, really... I guess it's all symbolic for me... To take a bad memory and lock it away in a safe... To keep it quarantined, so to speak...' 'I see...' 'Heh...' 'You were there, weren't you...? During the civil war...?' 'I was... I was seven years old when it started... But that was a long time ago... I used to have sleepless nights and a lot of nightmares back then... I still do but not as nearly as bad as it once used to be... I found a way to deal with it and I did through my writings... So no, I don't think it's strange for you to draw out your emotions... Self-expression is just another way to accept the things the way they are...'

For the first time in my life, someone hasn't been asking questions about the war. I never understood why someone wanted to know what happened. They'll never understand simply because they weren't there when it happened. So I guess there's no reason for me to talk about it. I've always kept my answers short whenever they asked. Samantha was the only one I talked in detail about it. But I remember how I felt the night I told her and I never wanted to go through that again. So I figured it was best to stay quiet about it. I appreciated that she didn't ask me more. But somehow, she could see that it was a very touchy subject... I just saw it in her eyes when I looked at her... And she stared right back at me with a smile... 'Have you ever tried drawing before, Ceylan...?' 'Haha, no, I haven't! Well, not serious attempts anyway, I suck at drawing.' 'Nonsense, everyone can draw.' 'Yeah well, not nearly as good as you are.' 'I'll show you!'

She placed her sketchbook on my lap as I stared at the blank piece of paper. Looking at all those sketches made me realize I didn't want fuck up her sketchbook and that this was a really bad idea... 'Noooo, I don't think it's a good idea, I'll mess up your sketchbook.' 'It's okay, I got loads of them! Let's start with something simple.' 'Like what?' 'A basic feline head.' 'I thought you said you wanted to start with something simple!' 'It is, I'll show you.'

She took her fill pencil and carefully drew out a circle. Once the circle was complete, she drew a line following the curve of the circle vertically and also a curved line horizontally, to give the circle some depth... 'See how those lines cross each other?' 'Yeah?' 'That's the centre of the face. You should draw the eyes just above that cross.' 'Oh yeah, I see it.' 'The more that vertical line is set back, the more it gives depth to its perspective. This is a three fourth view. The more that vertical line goes up, the more it resembles a face from the side.' 'Aaaah, I get it.' 'The point where the lines cross each other is used for the muzzle. Every kind of feline has a different type of muzzle. A tiger's muzzle is wider than a cheetah's for example.'

And then she started to draw out the muzzle... A small nose... It didn't take long before she stopped explaining to me and drew the face... Every once in a while, she looked at me and made more details to the face... Drawing the eyes... Adding the freckles... The longer she was working on it, the more the sketch started to resemble me instead... Even added my piercings... Once it was finally done, I took a good look at it... It actually startled me how accurate her sketch was... 'Wow... That's me...' 'Yes, hihi... See, it's not that difficult...' 'For you maybe...' 'Just try it...'

So I did what she explained earlier when she handed me the fill pencil. Drew a circle and the lines... Tried to draw the muzzle, but I just couldn't get the hang of it... When Nikki saw I had trouble with that, she took my hand... 'Relax your hand, let it flow... Like this...'

While I still held on to the pencil, Nikki gently placed her hand on mine... My hand was a lot bigger than hers... I was completely distracted by that... Her hand gently moved my hand as the sketch slowly was starting to take form... The longer she held on to my hand, the stranger I started to feel... Confused perhaps... As if I got lifted up in the air... Pleasurable tingles in my stomach... A smile on my face as I looked at her... I can't really explain how I felt, especially when she looked at me again... When she averted her eyes and looked down on her sketchbook, she started to giggle quietly... And I could see why... I did an awful job of drawing and looked nothing like her sketch... It looked more like a stick-figure with a horrible mutant face... 'Haha, see, this is why I don't draw!' 'Picasso had weird anatomical faces in his paintings as well but they still sell for millions of dinar!' 'Hehehe...'

I took another good look at the sketch she made of me... And I thought it was absolutely stunning... The resemblance was uncanny... I took a good look at it for a while until it gave me an idea... I thought about it for several moments but I didn't think it could do any harm... 'Nikki...?' 'Yes?' 'Did someone ever modeled for you...?' 'Yes. Well, no, not really but... I once drew my roommate when she fell asleep on the couch.' 'Was she naked or...?' 'Ha! Good heavens, no! I think I'd be drawing with shaky hands if she was naked...' 'Hehe... So what exactly do you use for the poses then?' 'Photo references. Also, I got a wooden artist dummy that you can bend in numerous poses.' 'Ever thought of using a real model...? And to make her... You know...' 'To make her pose in the nude...?' 'Yes...?' 'Uhm... N-No, I-I haven't put much thought into that... But uh, yeah, I'd like to try that some day... Why do you ask...?' 'Because I can pose for you some time if you want me to... In the nude...?' 'Y-You? Nude? U-Uh... I-I uh... I-I'm not sure about t-that... I-I mean, doesn't that make you feel kind of weird...?' 'No, not really... I don't have a problem with nudity... I took showers with other girls in the gym... I guess it wouldn't really be that much different if I'd pose for you... I wouldn't have a problem with it as long as those drawings stay between you and me...' 'I-I see... Heh... Uhm... I-I'm really not sure about this...' 'Just let me know when you do...'

She had really nervous smile on her face when she faced me again... But somehow, somewhere, I thought it was very cute to see her like... I thought it was cute to see her being so shy and timid... Her personality is fragile yet very kind and very warm... Something you don't find so easily in someone these days...

Ever since that day, I started to feel things for her I wasn't able to place... And I kept thinking about it while I was in bed that night... Was I slowly falling in love with her...? How the hell was that even possible, I'm was in love with Terry... I can't fall in love with girls anymore, I'm already taken... Slowly but steady, I started to see the differences between Terry and Nikki... Terry's full of confidence, bold and rebellious, just like me... Nikki on the other hand was the complete opposite... Even though their personality traits were worlds apart, I felt a click with the both of them the day I met them. And that night, I realized what I was missing along... I realized that Terry was never able to give me something I thought I didn't need anymore... It's no one's fault... It's simply because of the fact that Terry is not a girl... I felt attracted to Nikki in a certain way, one that I cannot explain... But I also realized by having feelings for Nicole would have major consequences for the three of us... And it looked so easy, you know... Tell Terry that I'm bi-sexual and I want to spend time with the three of them, like a three-way relationship... I knew all too well it wasn't gonna be that simple even though I didn't see any issues with that... But experience taught me that not everyone shares the same visions I have on love and sex... I figured there had to be a way to at least come out to the two of them and let them know of my sexuality... But that also confused me... First I thought I was bi-sexual, then I thought I was straight and then that my experiences with girls were just a mere stage I was going through. And now I started to have feelings for a girl once more, which had me doubting if I really was straight... If that isn't confusing, I don't know what is... But that day, these feelings I had when I was with Nikki, were more intense than ever... It only confirmed of what I always speculated... That I really am bi-sexual, leaning more towards girls... My head was spinning that night and I realized I had to tell them... I knew things started to get complicated... And from my experiences, when things get complicated, things inevitably go wrong...