FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Chapter 2: Confused feelings

Sam

"Sam! It's for you again", he heard from upstairs.

Sam picked up the phone in is room located in the basement. "Hello?"

"Yeah, this is Jason. I was wondering if you could swing by this afternoon, to catch up. It's been a while, you know-"

Sam cuts him off. "I'm sorry, I can't. I have work today. Maybe tomorrow..." He said with conviction. He indeed had to work today, but he was doing late evening hours to replace a friend because he couldn't make it.

Silence. "Oh, okay, I don't mind. We'll catch up another day then." Without another word, the line was dead.

Sam sighed. 'Why did I feel so nervous when I hear his voice?' "No, that can't be it." He shook his head and decided the weather was nice enough for some exercise.

He went for a run around the park. It was lunch time, so it was a little crowed. He noticed while passing by that all the tables were taken, except one. Most of the furs there were in the middle age, he guessed. The wind was picking up and he could feel his already heating body cool down a bit.

It wasn't usual for otters to like running, but he really enjoyed it. The rush he could feel in his heart, the burning sensation in his legs, it never failed to take his mind off things. Also, he didn't have a pool in his courtyard and the closest municipal swimming pool was at the other side of town. He didn't feel like wasting gas like that just to do some exercise that could be done in his neighbourhood.

The sun made the leaves from the trees all kinds of green glowing colors and the wind made the shadows of the leaves dance around like a show of spotlights. His mind was finally at ease as he could feel nothing but fresh air surrounding him.

He spotted a fox and a raccoon heading for the last free table to eat dinner. They looked like they were both about his age, maybe a little older. "Funny how that fox resembles to Jason." As soon as he said it out loud, he damned himself. He went for a run to took his mind off his friend, but if even a run couldn't make him forget, what will?

He got a better look when the fox was facing him as he sat. On second thoughts, he was pretty different indeed. He was taller, maybe by half a foot, and his belly sides were light brown instead of white. His eyes were a beautiful light blue, like the sky. He wore torn up jeans with a flashy red t-shirt and he had an ear pierced. Sam looked around. A smaller raccoon was standing right next to him: they seemed to be talking...and...

'Wait a minute, are they holding paws!?' His heart began to beat faster, as if it was possible considering he was still running. His suspicions were confirmed when they played a little with each other's hands and began to brush their muzzles together.

This time he stopped to look at the spectacle that was going on in front of him. They stopped wrestling and their muzzles slowly came closer to each other. Their mouth met and they began to kiss passionately now. Sam could swear he heard a squirm from the raccoon as the fox brushed his paw lightly against the back of his head. He couldn't look away; he had never seen it before. He was stunned there without quite knowing why. Their maws were pressed all the way into each other's as they took the kiss deeper to let their tongues fully meet. Tails warped around their hips and eyes closed, they continued for another minute.

It's only when they parted their muzzle that the fox seemed to notice Sam staring at both of them. "Hey, something bothering you over there?!" Sam heard him say as he felt a hateful glare at him, or was it an annoyed one?

"N...Not at all", he heard himself replied to the couple of furs.

The raccoon was starting to look uncomfortable as he dropped his head down to avoid Sam's gaze. The fox wrapped one of his arms around the waist of the raccoon like he wanted to protect him. They all stood awkwardly eying each other before Sam started to run again, clearly disoriented by the look of the fox. As he left, he turned his head back and noticed the fox was petting the raccoon's back with his paw.

He quickly regained his thoughts and began to head home. He didn't felt like running now and the weather started to get hot anyway. He just when down to his room in the cool air of the basement and crawled on his bed. He looked at his watch: 13h 47. He had a few hours before dinner and didn't have anything to do so he popped a game on his 360 console.

"Yeah, some killing and blood spilling will surely take my mind off things", as he chose Alien vs. Predator and started the engine. He pressed on the frets mechanically as his eyes were absorbed by the flashing colors of his 40 inch flat-screen.

His parents were pretty at ease with money since his mother was a veterinary and his father worked as a lawyer. His room was pretty big for a bedroom so he had all sorts of furniture to fill the place. Sam didn't like empty places since it remembered him how lonely he could feel sometimes. He had a queen size bed with two desks of drawers to put clothes in. Aside from that he had a work desk with a computer chair so he could move around while sitting. He got himself a pouf on the floor for when he was playing videogames where he was sitting right now because he found the fabrics much more comfortable than a chair.

3 hours later, it was time for dinner, and after he prepared to head off to work. He had to work from 6 to 12, so he really took his time this morning before getting up. He didn't want to be sleepy passed 10.

He took his keys and started the engine, heading for the Tim Horton near where a college was. It was about ten to fifteen minutes just to get there, so his car was pretty convenient. When he finally got the job after long months of search (you know how the first job is...) at the beginning of summer, he was so happy and he announced it to his father. Of course, his father didn't share his excitement when Sam told him where he got the job, considering he would have to drive him back sometimes in the middle of the night like tonight, so they made and arrangement. He said to Sam he would pay for part of the car he wanted as an early gift for entering college and advanced the rest of the amount for him to pay later on when he could afford it.

His shift went pretty smoothly; thanks to the rain that was now pouring. Most of the orders were car ones: no one wanted to get out of their car and be all wet for just a coffee and a donut. When he finished, he switched with the overnight crew and went home. He then entered his house from the garage not to wake anyone and went straight to bed. Not that it was late for him but work always seems to drain him off. He stripped down to his boxers in a matter of seconds and dozed off pretty quickly.

[...]

He was running again through the park to get his exercise done and to enjoy the hot breeze of summer. Only, something was off: he wasn't at the park where he used to run, but the park near the high school he used to go. It was time for lunch and some of the kids decided to enjoy the weather as well and ate their lunch at the park. He spotted some of his high school friends when he passed by. He stopped suddenly when he saw Jason, the person who he considered to be his best friend, standing next to a seven foot tall wolf.

The wolf was wearing a white tank top that defined well his muscles through the fabrics, with skinny jeans ripped off at his knees. The wolf looked right at Jason and seemed to talk to him. His first thought was: what a jock like him would want from his friend? He started to get on the defensives in case something happens, but then he saw Jason extend his muzzle to the wolf's maw and kissed him passionately, his arm wrapped around the wolf's chest.

Sudden anger coursed through his body. Without thinking, Sam quickly walked over him and pushed the wolf off of Jason's arms, looking furiously at him. "Don't touch him, he's not yours, he's mine!" He heard himself say in front of every passerby. Jason didn't look insulted by his manners. He actually smiled shyly at Sam, flicked his ears towards Sam and wrapped his arms at his waist to pull him closer to his hips

Sam could feel the heat coming from his body as they were tightly pressed against each other, tails brushing together. His heart was suddenly beating faster and he could feel himself blush under his fur. Jason slowly lifted back his head towards Sam's eyes and moved closer still. Sam wanted to take his head back but he couldn't as he sensed fingers brush the back of his head, pulling closer still. Sam obliged despite his thoughts and Jason was about to kiss his maw right there on the spot, but then Sam woke up.

[...]

He panted hard as he sat up quickly in his bead, reminiscing what he had just dreamed of. "What the hell!" He couldn't close his eyes anymore fearing to still see the images in his head. He was struck with panic when his paw brushed under his belly that he was half-hard in the briefs of his boxers. He growled furiously to himself, clenching his fists to keep him from swinging his paws in frustration into something valuable and break it. He couldn't do it anymore. The nightmares got worse each week despite his efforts to keep Jason at distance.

"Shit! I'm not a fucking faggot! I'm straight damn it." He began to cry as he realized he couldn't lie to himself anymore. He denied all the facts for so long now he just couldn't believe himself this time.

He felt like this ever since the end of high school. Back then he could just push him off by saying he had to study in order for him to pass the finals, and over the summer of course he had to work... He started to feel guilty about all the lies and wonder how he would handle it when they'll begin college.

He put his face into his paws to wipe the tears away but they just continued to flow out of his eyes. 'Why I am doing this to myself... and to him. I didn't intend to push him off like that, but I'm scared of what will happen if I don't. Anyway, I can't leave things like this!' "It's decided then, I'll at least make it up to him before we start the semester and sort things out myself-"

He was interrupted by the phone ringing through the house, and he glanced at the clock to see what time it was. 'Damn, it's that late!' He made a connection in his head and he quickly answered the phone before everyone else could.

"Hello", Sam said trying to make his tears crawl back inside his eyes.

"Hey, it's Jason" he said recognizing the voice on the other end. "So... you promised me you were off today, right?"

"Um, well, actually, I just woke because I finished at midnight yesterday (the truth) and I found a note in the kitchen (the lie). My father went... shopping for a gift of their anniversary of marriage or something, and judging by the reaction of my mother last year... well I think he'll have to find a better one, so it might take him all afternoon to find it... I can't come without a ride, can I?"

"Ah... it's ok, I understand. You sure you're all right, you sounds...off."

"No, I'm alright", Sam said after a time. He didn't realize his voice was so shaky but he manage to respond more relaxed.

He stayed silent but didn't hang up this time, like he was expecting me to say something.

Sam remembered the promise he made to himself. "Tell you what: tomorrow I'm off too and my father will be home so he could give me a ride for the afternoon. We could also go see a movie or something in the evening if you're up to it."

"That'd be nice! I'll call you tomorrow afternoon then?"

"Yeah, sure. I'll see you!"

"Bye."

Just like that, Sam finally decided to talk to Jason about his issues. That didn't make him any less relieved. How would he even admit his feelings to his friend? He would at least try to catch up with him, but can he even tell him now? And how would he react if he told him everything, would they still be friends? He didn't want to lose his friend by staying too far out, but he didn't want to lose him by admitting he maybe had a crush on him either. He was trapped, but he somehow knew Jason wouldn't turn his back on him that easily. He didn't seem like the homophobe type: they never talked about it but he never heard any hateful comments about gays. Still, it could turn out bad in so many ways...

He stayed in bed all afternoon deciding what he would say to Jason and decided to call Ricky to hang out in the evening. They played some videogames together on his Xbox in coop mode and quickly called it a night. He felt already tired at 9:30 even though he almost slept all morning. All the emotions just drained him off and he decided it would be best to just rest. He didn't want to think about Jason now because he would only make another crazy scenario where one would end up in the hospital or something... His dreams were merciful this night as he didn't recall dreaming anymore of Jason.

Jason

"Hello..." A voice said.

"Yeah, who is it. Am I talking to Sam?" Jason said.

"No, um, this is Sam's father, Peter. I think I've seen Sam went off a little less than ten minutes ago to do his daily run. Do you want him to call back?"

"Yeah, that'd be cool. I don't know if Sam told you, but you can give him a ride, right?"

"What are you talking about?"

"This is Jason. We were actually supposed to hang out at my house this afternoon so I wondered if he could make it since I'm living far away."

"Ah, Jason. Yeah, I remember. Is there something wrong with his car?"

"With his... car?"

"Yeah, I hope he didn't do crazy stuff with it and broke something on his engine", Peter said and then burst out laughing.

Jason was surprised by that remark.

"Um, no, that's not it... So what, his car would have lasted a week before breaking down?"

"A week? More like two months. He got his car in the beginning of summer. For his job. You sure you don't know anything I don't?"

He was too shocked to answer immediately. 'He got his car all summer and he didn't tell me? On top of it, all these times he said he couldn't come because he didn't have a ride. Did he lie to me all this time just to avoid me? Why? Why would he do that?'

Now he felt like a fool for trying to see him all summer. Sam clearly didn't want to see him and he wasn't going to forgive him for it. 'So what is today for if he lied all this time? Guilt?' Jason clearly didn't want to be taken out of pity-

"You there?"

"Yeah sorry. My mother was talking to me. No of course I don't, he just seemed like he had trouble starting his engine because he told me he got late last night. Forget about him calling me back, I'll manage myself. Good afternoon sir."

"Please call me Peter. I hope we'll see you soon."

Jason just closed his door and sat on his bed as he hit furiously the off button. He just didn't believe his friend. 'What's his problem? Is he mad at me or something? Fine, if he doesn't want to see me, then fuck him! Fuck Sam and fuck his god damn moody periods when you can't even talk to him. I don't care anymore!'

He noticed by that time his phone has started ringing, but he made no move towards it. He sat on his bed staring furiously at the device without moving an inch.