Turning Point
#7 of Alternatives
I let out a sigh. This isn't as easy as it seems. The confession can just be as easy as saying just two words 'I'm gay' and be done with it. But I just can't freaking say it out.
Even after several deep breaths, my tongue is still tied. I am stunned about the change in events that happened in just a few minutes.
Only a while ago we were running about this same place like pups playing tag, and now...
At this moment, I hear a soft munching sound. I turn only to see Jo chewing away at a slice of pizza.
"Jo!"
"Yes? Don't let the food turn cold... Why don't you tell me while we eat? Well, it can't be that bad, right? Here," Jo takes up a slice and offers me.
I accept the slice and nibble lightly on it. I'm not hungry. Depressing mood kills off any form of hunger from me. This is not the first time I lose my appetite for depressing feelings, and I've always hated this same feeling. Come and think of it, I seem to hate everything I feel.
Not to mention that I'm so damn nervous now. I just want to turn back the time and be back to our old selves. I just have a bad feeling about this. What if he takes this wrongly? It is not easy for me to tell him, neither was it easy for me to have kept it so quiet. I don't know...
I silently pray that nothing will go wrong.
We ate quietly throughout the meal. I tried to rehearse some lines and imagined different possible scenarios while eating. I didn't touch the food much and Jo knows it. Jo knows something is wrong.
It has to be obvious because I became quiet all of a sudden, not touching the food, taking deep breaths and possibly shaking a bit.
Jo came back after washing his hands, sat down on the couch, lying slightly and just stares at me, with his head on one of his paws.
Jo clears his throat to catch my attention.
"Look, I don't know what's wrong, and I've already told you, if I happen to do anything that happen to offend you, I can apologise, and I assure you that whatever I had done to offend you was unintentional. Please, at least tell me what's wrong, don't keep quiet, you're worrying me, this isn't like your usual self," said Jo.
My mind is in chaos thanks to the series of events today. From that dream to schoolwork to Gerrald at the stairs to Jo now, my mind is at the edge of the breaking point. I grab my head fur, hoping that my mind can clear off to handle the situation.
After several moments, I decide that being honest is the best way to go. Perhaps not too direct, Jo needs to fully understand what's going on. He deserves to know the truth. He is my best friend... right?
Oh gosh, I really hate this. Well, no turning back now. Here goes...
"Okay, Jo, this really isn't about you. You didn't do anything wrong. The problem is with me. You see, the thing is, I recently like someone, and well, think about that guy and stuff..."
Jo heaves a sigh of relief before adding, "Oh, okay, that wasn't so bad was it? It's okay to like somebody, why not? Which girl is it? There's nothing to be scared of, you can tell me, no problem. I thought what could have been so bad... Unless the girl is that skunk that always acts cute in front of everyone... come and think of it, what's her name again?"
Jo obviously misunderstood my meaning when I used the word 'guy'. He thought I was referring to a person in general, regardless of gender. I gave myself a facepalm when he asked which girl was it. I should have used a better choice of word, rather than the ambiguous 'guy'. Seems that I have to try and tell Jo again. I groan at the idea of having to confess twice. The first wasn't easy.
"Jo, the problem is, that guy, IS a guy, get it?"
Jo didn't reply to that. I turn to see that Jo's eye widen slightly, and he is apparently in a loss for words. I didn't break my eye contact from him while he processes the idea in his head. Jo sat up in disbelief as though the wolf in front of him have just gone crazy.
"What?"
"What?"
"You, you're..."
I sighed, "Yes, I'm gay; please don't make me say it again."
"But... I... I can't believe..."
"Jo, please understand, it's not easy for me either, I'm still the same Typh you've known so far," I added. I'm beginning to worry and fear that the worst will happen. Jo has to take this calmly, but the lack of sturdiness in his words is telling me otherwise. I start to regret having to tell him anything. Anger is slowly coming to my defence.
"But you didn't look-"
"No, Jo. You have to understand this. I didn't have to look like one to like guys. Who said that anyone who likes guys have to be girly and wear heels or dresses? Please, I think you are more mature than that."
"I didn't mean to say that, it's just that I... I-" Jo's words faltered, he couldn't find the right words to say. And I was mentally frustrated enough to cut his sentence.
"Jo, just answer me this. Are we cool?"
"Huh? Yeah, no, I... I mean..." Jo continues at babble and stutter. After a while, he gave a yell of frustration before he looks at me again.
"I'm sorry," Jo begins, "I've just remembered that I'm going out with my friends later, and I need some time to think."
That is enough to signal that I should no longer be here, and that this long built friendship is crumbling and will never be the same again. It is pretty obvious that this is probably over. I have lost.
"I... I guess I'll be leaving, Jo." I stand up and begin to take my stuff before turning to leave.
Jo suddenly rushes to the door and grabs my arm.
"Wait! Please, I... Let's hang out together, please?" asks Jo.
"Stop it, Jo. You are not comfortable with this and you know it. You don't have to pity me... Just let me go... Jo." I said. It is the truth. He is not cool with this. He is not comfortable enough to say 'It's okay'. Our friendship was not strong enough for that.
Jo was on the verge of tears when I pry my arm away from him and walk off into the night.
I knew things would have turned out this way. As I walk away, I hear his door slam shut.
Sigh. I must have shocked him terribly. To me, it's not kind of a big thing, if there was ever a chance Jo came out to me. I thought that being best friends should know each other well enough to be okay about it. I can't understand why Jo would react like that. The possible scenarios I imagined earlier were either to be absolutely cool about it or absolutely violent and full of accuses. But now Jo is like somewhere in the middle. He can't take a stand whether to accept or deny me. And that was what that annoyed me most earlier, in which my anger had probably scared Jo and made him panic.
Shit. What have I just done?
It must have been traumatising to have your best friend suddenly coming out without giving any hints and mental preparation... After all, Jo did thought that it probably isn't something major. And apparently to Jo, my sexual orientation IS something big.
I know Jo. He is a loyal wolf when it comes to his friends. If my confession makes him so uncomfortable, it is logical that he is very conflicted. When loyalty barges into your comfort zone, what does one choose?
And my mind was not clear enough earlier to process the amount of stress I was handling him. I didn't give him time to decide.
For a moment I regret having to eat anything in the first place. I felt so sick on my entire journey home. My stomach threatened to unload all its contents. I am so ashamed of what I've done, and my failure to do things properly.
I think and think and think about it all the while until I'm back in my room. I just put down my bag and kneel on the floor, with both my paws clutching my head. I've just fucked up and lost my best friend.
Not only that, I have no one else to talk to.
Negative thoughts just flood my mind; it is almost as though I am really hearing things. I want this to go away; I want this to be just a bad dream; I want to wake up and be back to where everything is normal; I want my Jo back; I want my best friend; I want, I want, I want...
Why does this have to happen to me? I am like a world's biggest failure. Your crush doesn't ever notice you. You have no friends. You aren't as dashing as you hope. You can't protect yourself. You only have average grades. You have virtually no family support. You only had a best friend which you have just fucked up and lost the only thing you have left.
Why? Why? Why????
I felt some of my tears leaking out. I'm not one that cries easily.
I hate that I have no control of my life. Everything just seems to turn against you. I continue to weep softly as my right claw dig into my left wrist, piercing though the skin. A trail of blood follows as the claw moves down the arm. I can't control myself. I am so frustrated about my life that I subconsciously claw myself. I'm probably going to have a second scar on my wrist tomorrow, but I can't give a shit to anything now.
My life fucking sucks.
I didn't sleep well over the weekends. I didn't talk much over the weekends. My weekends was just thinking about that night, replaying and replaying. Jo hasn't called since then. I hoped that something would happen but no, nothing has to go my way.
My family didn't know what happened and probably does not notice or even care. I've always been distant from them anyway.
I just thought about Jo every now and then during the weekends. There might have been a hint of Gerrald, but I didn't really care.
If I was irresponsible, I would have even blamed on Gerrald for looking so nice.
But I know my sexual orientation is something innate. Not something really inducible, in that sense.
I wished for a miracle.
I didn't dare to call Jo. He probably hates me. And if I do make him uncomfortable, I believe it is best to keep our distances from each other.
This is just crazy. Throughout the weekends, my life just turned from depression to apathy. Now I can't be bothered to even think about it now. My eyes have been drained dry of tears. I can't find a way out of this. I don't know what should I do or what I should have done. My mind is all tangled up with no focus or direction.
Now I'm just staring out at the blue sky, through the window beside my bed. I'm in a loss. I have to go to school in about a few hours, which translates to me meeting Jo again. Perhaps we won't talk anymore. Perhaps we will just have awkward silence throughout the entire school hours. Perhaps he will sit elsewhere, away from me. I don't know.
Now that I think about it, I don't really want to go to school and see Jo today. But I have no choice, do I? I still have to face this sooner or later. Might as well get it done and over with.
I stretch myself and start to prepare for school today.
As my auto-pilot mode is forgetful as usual, I realise I didn't take my phone with me.
But who cares. After Jo, no one does contact me anyway. And now that he's gone...
Turns out that Jo is absent today.
Does he have to be like this? Am I not the only one dreading to meet up? Is he avoiding me?
Well, whatever. I don't know and I don't want to know. If he wants to be like that, then so be it. I can't control him anyway.
In school, I know that Jin and Jo's other usual buddies are hanging around me, asking why Jo isn't here today. I just faked a smile and told them that he is probably sick or something. I didn't say anything else or included myself into any further conversation. Jo is probably sick of me.
I kept to myself the whole day. I didn't talk much to anybody. I know I wasn't focusing on schoolwork. I don't know. I couldn't recall what I had been thinking about throughout the lessons. There was a small amount of ogling when I saw Gerrald during one of the lectures, but it wasn't as mind-blowing as before. I think I just somewhat gave up on Gerrald after that incident. After all, it's impossible, he never notices me, and there's still Jo to worry about. When school ended, I just packed up, bade farewell and go.
At the school gate, I felt someone with a large paw tap my shoulder. I debated to just ignore and walk away. I don't have to mood to entertain anyone today. But still, I shouldn't take out on the poor fella asking for help, should I?
I turned, only to face a white tiger, looking concerned.
"Is everything okay? Something's up. You're not like yourself today."
It wasn't a question when he said something's up.
I opened my mouth to speak, but I don't know what to tell him.
"It's okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I just hope that everything is going fine for you. Well, see you around then."
With that, he gave a smile and waved before leaving.
Well, that was unexpected. I didn't really think Jin would have done that. I guess I haven't been observant about Jin and his other friends.
Now, as I walk back home, I hear a door slam and someone calling out.
It is that same big grey wolf that I have lost leaning against the door, with his head on one of his arms.
Jo didn't look any happier than I am.
He gestures for me to move closer.
When I'm in front of him, he just stares down at me and said,
"This isn't gonna work. We need to talk, properly."