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~ Chapter 22 ~

"Aaron? Hon?" I knocked on his door. Though Kat's words had assuaged, a larger part of me was still nervous and unsure how to proceed. A shadow, a click, and the door opened.

Aaron smiled tiredly and hugged me with a soft grunt, "Come in."

It was getting on in the late afternoon. My eyes continually adjusted to the light and dark patches in the apartment as I closed the door. Orange light filtered in from the sliding glass door on the other side of the apartment. Tendrils of evanescent smoke whispered upwardly. First the scent of a floral incense wafted past me, then a hint of something sweeter.

Aaron made his way to the fridge where, surprisingly, no light came on as I half-expected. "Beer?" he stated, more than asked, and opened a bottle for me. I followed him to his couch, taking note of a couple of already opened bottles scattered in the living room. Through the orange evening-glow I could see one was half-empty. His t.v. showcased some urban-pet documentary.

"Do anything today?" I asked, trying to break the ice. I took a courtesy sip of the beer - cold and bitter.

"Not really," Aaron shrugged and reached for a lit self-rolled cigarette on his makeshift coffee table. A bag of loose-leaf tobacco sat next to a book of paper that sat next to an ash tray with a couple of already-smoked, ashy butts tamped out. "Work's been draining my energy this past week so I just wanted to take it easy. How about you? Do anything?"

"Not really," I didn't really lie. "Just wanted to come on over and hang out for a bit."

"Glad ya did," Aaron smiled and pulled me into a bear-hug.

I melted a little, feeling safe in his arms. He was warm. Though the last time I was in his arms was earlier this morning, it still managed to send a warm tinge through me, as though from that time to now I was moving in a world of cold.

Aaron breathed along my neck and I craned to accommodate him. He whispered and nibbled my ear; my muscles tensed and twisted in pleasure. His hands enveloped me under my shirt and as he pressed against me, he started lifting.

"Nn.." I hesitated, pressing his arms back down, "Nnno. Not yet." I could feel my heart drop and my stomach rise.

Aaron backed away and looked at me, questioningly, "What is it?"

I took a second to gather my thoughts. I normally don't rehearse anything I say, but this seemed like one time where it probably would have been handy. With effort I asked, "What do you see me as?"

"Hm?"

"I mean, what plans are you thinking for us in the future?"

Aaron looked more confused and I couldn't blame him. I was doing a horrible job trying to say something.

As he took a breath to start talking, I interrupted him - just a little afraid of the answer, "Okay, cutting to the chase - when I woke up this morning and you weren't there, I was scared; just a little."

"I'm sorry," Aaron finished his beer and looked downcast. I felt like I was chastising him.

"It's okay. It's just that..." I paused again, my mind trying to organize shuffled-together thoughts; "It's just that since you told me about Bo, you seem far away. I know you're trying to hide it, but I see it on you when you don't think I'm looking."

"Guess I'm not that great at the whole stoic thing, eh?" Aaron joked. I glared at him, amused.

"So where do you see us?" I asked again.

"I see us here, on this couch," Aaron smirked and reached to run his hand down my arm.

I pulled away, "No, I mean like a year from now."

"What does it matter? We're here, now." Aaron sidetracked. I could smell him, his scent, and the beer on his breath but I wasn't going to let him control the conversation.

"Yes, I'm here now. You're here, now." I pushed the line of argument, "We're both here, and alive, and save anything unforeseen, I know I'm still going to be here. Where are you?"

Aaron looked uncomfortable as I did my best not to say anything taboo. "You still miss him, don't you?" he took a swig from a new perspiring beer.

"I don't know what it's like to lose someone, I'm so sorry." I leaned into Aaron, tentatively touching his arm, "But you have me. You have me right here and now. I'm not going anywhere. And I will try to be here as much as I possibly can to help you through this."

Aaron didn't say anything but tensed at my touch. I was touching a nerve, but I felt it was a necessary pain - like pulling a decaying tooth.

"Whatever this rut you're in, please help me get you out of it. This isn't you. This isn't the fun Aaron that I met at the zoo, or kissed on that picnic table in the park. Please, come back to me, Ar."

Aaron's voice was quiet with a hint of standoffishness, "How do you know what the real me is? Maybe this is me and I just played up something else for you."

"Most of us hide behind masks," I gently traced the differently-colored patterns on Aaron's face with my finger, "You just don't have the luxury of hiding yours." I dropped my hand and held him again, "I don't know," I admitted, "But I want to learn. I want to get to know all sides of you: your funny self, your sappy self, your cautious self, your asshole self. Well, I think I'm well-versed in that side of you." I leaned into him, trying to make him laugh at my joke.

"Bo also saw my asshole side," Aaron replied. His mind seemed to have receded to some obscure, personal memory.

I exhaled through my nose an audible sough. I didn't know if I was getting through to Aaron. "I want to help you, but I can't compete with a ghost. I just can't. I can only be myself and hope that it's enough for you."

"Nobody's asking you to compete," Aaron shrugged me off of him and started to set his bottle onto the coffee table.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Did he not want me there? What else was I supposed to do for him? A million thoughts converged in my mind but I couldn't find any more words. "Move on already," I exclaimed, hurt, exasperated, frustrated, and irritated, "he's dead!"

*THWACK*

I went blind. There was a cracking pain on my left cheek. My head snapped to the right in recoil and I felt blood rush to the end of my nose. Immediately I started salivating and my left eye started watering like crazy. Experiencing vertigo, I gripped the couch I was sitting on and tenderly touched my cheek that was beginning to flush with warmth. A low throbbing started along my gum line, enveloping each tooth. Very slowly my eyes readjusted to the dim lighting and the world cleared.

Aaron sat, wide-eyed with a hand covering his mouth, looking astonished, scared, and much more sober than when he had greeted me at the door.

I took a couple of deep, shaky breaths, feeling the change in my pulse. From everywhere on my person my hair began to rise in tingles. The throb in my jaw moved upwards to become throbbing in my ears; with a sound like boots walking on slushy snow. I swallowed.

"You don't," a voice exuded from my lips, "ever get to hit me." It sounded shaky, as if it was damming turbulent emotions, but I felt numb. I wasn't sure if the disembodied voice was my own. I wondered if that was the voice other people hear me as. A part of me realized I was hearing my own voice for the first time.

When the world stopped spinning, I loosened my grip on the couch. Aaron seemed to have frozen in time with only his breathing to show he was still animated. With my head still fuzzy, I got up.

And I left.

Out in the hallway I dialed up Becky's cell. Already I was fighting to stay calm as my own breath threatened to spirit its self away. Hot tears stung my eyes.

Four rings.

"Hey, this is Becky!" her voicemail picked up, "I'm currently unavailable right now, but if you leave a message, I would love to get back to you. Cheers!" There was a beep.

"Becky," I sniffed, choking back the tears, "He hit me!"

****

Bzzt... Bzzt... my cell phone buzzed.

I was sitting in the bathroom of a convenience store a couple of blocks from Aaron's apartment. My eyes were bloodshot and I was hoping I looked only slightly tipsy or slightly hungover.

"Hello?" I answered as sober as I could.

"Caleb, honey? Where are you?" It was Mom. It briefly registered that she only called me 'Caleb' when something serious was on her mind. She must have been wondering where I was.

"Yeah, Mom, I'll be home soon."

"No. Caleb," she interrupted, "Can you come to Saint Catherine's? Rebecca's been in a car accident."