FSE

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Chapter 1

I'll start at the beginning. My life was plain. I was born with white fur to a couple of kind farmers. Both of them were wolves. My mother had a white colored fur. Not pure white like mine, but so close that you almost couldn't tell. My father had a rust colored fur. In the light of the rising sun, if you caught it from the right angle, his fur appeared to be alight with flame. If you could catch them at just the moment, dad's fur, and mom's made them seem like they were the sun and the moon. They were happy that I was there, and I enjoyed living with them, helping with the farm work as I got older.

After about fifteen years of living happily, my mother fell ill. Dad and I did our best to scrape up whatever money we could to get a doctor. By the time we could get enough money, however, it was too late to do anything to help her. So, it was with tears in our eyes and one of her paws in each of ours that we sat by her side in her final moments. We both sat there for hours, just letting the tears flow at our loss. The next six months are a blur as I tried to deal with the pain of losing my mother. Dad had to stop letting me join him on his trips into the village. I...I couldn't stay out of trouble with the others and always ended up getting in a fight. The loneliness at home while he was gone was too much for me to handle, so I stayed on the horse while he traded goods for coin. Anything to get out of the lonely, quiet house.

It hit my father a lot harder, however. He started to become withdrawn. He had taken to washing away his sorrows with whiskey. I couldn't really blame him. He lost the one thing in this world that made him truly happy. I could see it in his eyes every time he looked at me. He had to take a moment before saying anything to remind himself that I wasn't the wolfess he grew to love with every fibre of his very being. Over the next three and a half years, I grew to resent that farm. I started to feel confined. It didn't feel like my home anymore without my mom there. I realized that I only stuck around because I was hoping that somehow I was dreaming. That somehow, mom would come back. When it finally hit me that she wasn't coming back, I didn't want to be here. Who would want to be in a place of so many good memories only to be reminded that one of the sources was no longer there every time their father looked at them.

Eventually...I couldn't take it any more. I had to leave. So, the day after my ninteenth birthday, I left. It didn't go exactly how I planned it, however. I had planned on waiting until my father had fallen asleep in his chair by the fireplace like he has taken to doing for the past few months. I waited until I could no longer hear anything coming from the den. I grabbed the pack that I had hidden under my bed. In the bag, I had placed a few memoribilia and a bit of rations. I quietly placed it over my back and slipped out of my room.

I made it to the door, with my paw on the handle when I heard something behind me. I stopped, a sense of dread filling me. I knew what that sound was, and it was something I wanted to avoid. I sighed heavily and dropped my paw from the handle before slowly turnng around. What I seen almost broke my will to leave. My father was sitting in his chair, a knocked over bottle of whisky on the floor, a small puddle under it with heavy bags under his blood shot eyes.. I stood there in silence, unable to say anything or move an inch.

"So you're just gonna walk on out the door without even saying goodbye?" The sadness I hear in his voice is almost enough to make me stay. I think the change in the tone of his voice that I remember so well had something to do with it as well. No longer was it bright. Never again would I hear happyness in it. Forever more, would I be forced to hear the same loneliness in his voice that I feel in my heart...unless I left. I take a few steps towards my father and stop again. I can't bring myself any closer. Hell...I barely managed to bring my eyes up to meet his.

"I...I didn't want to make this harder on myself. It would have been hard enough to do this without having to confront you." My voice is heavy with sadness as I try not to break down in tears.

"I'm not here tonight to stop you. I may be getting old, and I turned into a drunk, but that doesn't mean that I'm blind. I know what I've been doing to you. I...I can't help it. Every time I look at you, I see her. I see her eyes, her face, her smile." With every word he spoke, his voice started to shake more and more. His eyes filling to the brim with tears until the over flowed and spilled down the fur on his cheeks. "You remind me in so many ways of her." He looked down to the bottle on the floor. "I tried to drown the visions of her. But all that did was make me see her more."

I start to lose the little control over my voice that I had. It shakes as I say my next words. "I know dad...I've seen it. I've seen it every day since mom died. It's part of the reason that I want to leave. I can't stand seeing the look of loss in your eyes every time you look at me. Every time you said something, I noticed the slight pause for you to remind yourself that I'm not her. I can't stand seeing you like this. I...I can't stand seeing the wolf I've always known to be strong and stable, in such a weak and fragile state." By the time I finish speaking, tears are flowing freely down my cheeks.

He stands. Slowly, he walks towards me. He stops just a step away and reaches up to place a heavy paw on my shoulder. "I've been trying to pick myself back up. But I can't do it on my own. Your mother was my foundation. My strength. Everything I did...I did it for her. And with her gone, I don't know what else I have to live for."

Hearing those words made my knees go weak. I couldn't stop the next words that came from my mouth. "So what about me? With everything you just said, you're implying that I mean nothing to you? That I'm not worth living for?" I didn't regret them. But I didn't mean for them to cause as much pain that I seen in his eyes.

If it were possible, I felt his paw get heavier before he said, "I...I didn't mean....No. You're right. I said that wrong. You mean the world to me. You're the reason that I'm still alive right now. If I didn't have you, I would have died a few months after your mother did. I can't stand the loneliness. But I didn't want to leave you alone in this world." I felt his paw slide down from my shoulder and wrap around my back along with his other paw in as tight of a hug as he could muster. "I don't know what I'll do with you leaving though." I felt a wet spot begin to form where his face met with my chest

When I felt his arms wrap around me, I froze. Caught offguard by the sudden hug. After a moment, I relax and return the hug holding my father as close as I can to me. I don't want to leave now. But I know that if I stay, things will not change. I can't tell you how long we stood there in each other's warm embrace. Eventually, we pulled apart from each other. I placed my paws on his shoulders and look him dead in the eyes.

"Without me here, you can sober up. You won't see mom every time you look at me. You can find yourself another woman. You can finally start to heal. I'm not saying that you should bed the first wench you see, or replace mom. But...I want you to find someone that'll keep you happy. Someone to take away the loneliness. I will come back one day. And when I do, I don't want to see this rust colored wolf here in front of me. I want to see the rust colored wolf I grew up with as my idol. The one who's fur shone brighter than the sun. I want my dad back." I didn't have to hear anything from him to know that he would repair his life. He would be fine now.

I gave him one last quick hug and turned around towards the door. I opened it slowly and stopped for just a moment to look back. I smiled and stepped outside, closing the door behind me. Yeah. My dad would be okay. The look in his eyes proved it. They were filled with something I hadn't seen in a long time.

Determination.