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Sigh. Sal just could not focus. His desk at work was much too close to the window, and he found it impossible to concentrate on boring, concrete samples. The weather outside looked perfect and the park across the street looked so inviting. Another sigh. The trees swayed in the wind dancing freely. A beautiful summer day and Sal had to spend it cooped up inside a lab with its smell of disinfectant and recycled air. Completely sterile and removed from the outside world that seemed so close. He didn't hate his job, but he wished he had known what he was getting into when we decided to take the summer internship. Everyone told him that it would be a great resume booster and help him find work after college, and Sal understood that being one of the few students of his class chosen for this position was an honor. Now, if only he wasn't chained to a desk waiting for a machine to analyze a concrete sample so he could simply put in the next.

``Man, this sucks''

``It certainly isn't as mentally engaging as we wished it to be.'' Sal turned to his lab partner and the only other one in the lab at the moment. Chandler was busy categorizing and labeling the new samples that Sal would have to test later that day. The fox measuring various dimensions and levels of hardness of the rectangular prisms.

``Just look at the weather out there, you could just sit under one of those trees and nap the afternoon away.'' Sal pressed his head against the window, letting his breath fog up underneath it.

``That definitely has its charms.'' Chandler put down his current rock and joined Sal at glancing out the window. They stood there for a moment, longing for an excuse to get out of this lab. The beeping of the testing machine brought them back to the here and how. With another sigh, Sal turned back to his machine ejected the latest sample, saving the data it collected into the corresponding folder on his lab computer.

It wouldn't be so bad if we actually did anything with this data.'' Fitting the next rock into the apparatus and setting the machine to run again.Almost a fully graduated engineer and they don't trust us to do simple stress rigidity analysis.''

``Should I remind you that you are here because Dr. Sanders asked for you specifically for his lab? He wouldn't simply have chosen you if he wasn't completely confident in your abilities as a student and engineer.''

Sal didn't respond to that choosing instead to rest his head on his arm as he continued starring outside the window. Dr. Craig Sanders permeating throughout his thoughts. The professor pulled him aside on the last day of his class and asked Sal about his plans for the summer. Sal told him he had put out some applications and hadn't heard anything back from anyone. Dr. Sanders patted Sal's shoulder and told him to cheer up, one of the doctor's graduate lab assistants was moving labs and that he had an opening in his lab if he wanted it. Sal was ecstatic, partially because of the offer and partially because of the touch. He would never admit it to anyone else, but he had a huge crush on the doctor. The bull's fur was jet black and still shined brilliantly. His horns were polished and buffed. Despite being a Doctor, he was so very young, not much older than Sal. He always smiling and greeted his students as he passed them on the campus. In the class room, he exuded an amount of authority and intelligence that even some of the senior lectures could not seem to replicate. He took no disrespect and showed none to anyone. He just embodied confidence and Sal was hopelessly infatuated with him.

Sal released a more subdued sigh.

``That one wasn't from boredom.'' Chandler glanced sideways at Sal raising an eyebrow.

``Yes, it was.'' Sal responded a little too quickly

``No, it wasn't. Come on tell what's on your mind cause you know I won't stop bugging you until you tell me.'' Chandler had the most mischievous grin on his face. Sal could tell that he was serious about getting answers out of him.

``Are we friends, Chandler?''

Chandler hummed and thought about it for a moment. ``We are definitely on good terms with each other, being classmates since freshman year and work colleagues and all, so I will say that I will respect your privacy and keep everything confidential.'' As he scooted his stool closer. Not a yes, but Sal accepted it. Chandler had a way of making a five-word sentence into twelve.

``Have you... ever liked someone, but... they were too out of your league?'' Sal hesitantly started. Looking down at the ground and feeling the blush come up to his face.

I had a huge crush on the drama club president back at my high school. She had the most perfect sexy nerd appeal I had ever seen. I jerked off to her a number of times.'' Chandler smiled at the memories.But she was too busy giving head to any number of jocks, cheerleaders, or other teachers even to look my way.'' Chandler's face became wistful.

``Did it... feel good when you thought about her while you were, you know,... doing it?'' Sal's blush got deeper and he could feel the heat on his face.

``I was in high school so just about any contact with my penis would have felt good, autoerotic or otherwise, but I would say that whenever I thought about her I would finish just a little quicker, even if I was with other people at the time.'' Sal looked down at the ground, embarrassed about both the topic and Chandler's nonchalance with openly discussing it.

``Why are you so open about this?'' Sal asked.

``When I said that I would keep this confidential, I assumed you would do the same. Besides, were just some coworkers killing off boredom by talking about sex, it's not like there is a law against it. Anyway, enough about me, who's the girl?'' Chandler scooted his stool a little closer to Sal and leaned in.

``It's... ummm.. uhhh.., you see, uh.'' Sal stammered.

``Yeah?'' Chandler anxious to pry into Sal's secrets.

``It's not... um..''

``Not..''

``Not a... girl.'' Sal finally got out with difficulty.

Ohh.'' Chandler mildly taken back as he processed what he just learned. The emotion quickly turned back to curiosity as he accepted it quickly,That doesn't matter, tell me more. What's his name?''

``No, no, I can't'' Sal turning away from Chandler knowing full well that it wasn't going to stop the fox.

``Oh, come on. You can't stop just like that, after I shared all that personal stuff you owe me back something.'' Chandler got even closer, about a foot away from Sal.

``No,.. no, I.. I..'' Words catching Sal throat as he tried to make since of all the commotion in his head.

Chandler groaned and fell back onto his stool, exacerbated by Sal's reluctance.

``What is the big deal? I'm not gonna go right up to him and tell him. It's not like you haven't talked about crushes with others before.'' Sal looked down and away, his body language almost a verbal confession of guilt.

Ohhh. Oh, I am I actually the first person you have ever talked to?'' Chandler asked. Sal nodded his head silently, not able to bring himself to look at his lab partner.Damn, dude. That's all my bad, I wouldn't have been so forceful if I had known.'' Chandler relaxed his body, backing away from Sal.

``It's not your fault, I was just never comfortable with talking about things with others.'' Chandler let silence last for a moment, giving Sal time to recover from his spirited onslaught earlier.

``You don't have to tell me if you don't want'' Sal sighed again. He was never good with people, he much preferred the library and good books than trying to relate to his classmates growing up. Choosing instead to live vicariously through the stories he read throughout his school life.

``I just... I don't know what to say. What do you even talk about?''

The silence between them lapsed into minutes. The soft whirring of the machine was the only noise that Sal could hear. He looked over at Chandler who pulled a leg up and hugged it. His eyes were cast to the ground and looked about a million miles away from that lab.

``You know.. it's okay we don't have....'' Sal started but was immediately interrupted by Chandler.

I know what it's like.'' Chandler was looking off in the distance. Sal could tell he was off in some memory.I know how it feels to be disconnected from your peers. I remember standing against a wall at recess in second grade, just watching. Seeing the boys climbing all over the jungle gyms, the girls on the swings, laughing and having fun. Not a care in the world. I remember the fourth-grade science fair and picking partners. I remember having to paired up with another kid because everyone else already had their friends to choose from. I remember the sixth grade field trip to a water park and almost dying of embarrassment from having to change in front of others. In middle school, everyone collectively deciding that I should be the target of bullying and pranks. In high school, I was so typecast as the loner freak that it wasn't even funny. Every attempt at connecting to someone ended up being met with annoyance and aggravation. I know it's not fun, Sal, it's not fun to look out at everyone and know that there is some fundamental difference in your abilities to communicate. I know what it's like to question yourself and feel the fear of isolation and self-doubt set in. I know the fear of being rejected only makes you less willing to try.'' Chandler paused a moment. Sal saw how his eyes glazed over, reliving a childhood that sounded so eerily similar to his own.

The testing machine started beeping, signaling the completion of its task. Sal ignored it, looking at his companion as he sat there looking so different from the person who could wait for Sal to open up. Chandler had always been one of the popular people of their grade. Smart, funny, and willing to put himself out there. He had actually asked out a girl in the middle of class during class using a submitted question to the professor. He always had people around him before and after class. Sal noticed him in the library working with a different group of people every time. The teachers loved him, they all knew him by name. When he and Sal had been paired up for part of a presentation, Sal had been so astonished at how Chandler could stand up in front of a hundred students and act like it was no big deal. Chandler was, well, cool. He was what Sal wished he could be and here he was admitting that he wasn't always like this. Sal was flabbergasted, his entire perception of Chandler dashed through in an instant.

All the while, the machine kept beeping and finally it prompted Chandler to look at Sal and ask, ``Are you going to deal with that?'' as he nodded toward the machine. Sal quickly went through the motions of finishing the test and put the next sample in and pressed start. He couldn't believe it, how could Chandler at all have been like that.

``But... if that's all true.. how are you so...?''

``Talkative?''

``Confident'' Chandler sighed.

I'm not confident Sal, not even close, but I was able to meet someone. One person who was willing to sit down and talk to me, willing to let me speak my mind on anything without judging. I spilled out everything I just spilled out to you, only with more tears involved.'' Chandler gave an awkward chuckle at his own joke.This person told me that lamenting the situation we find ourselves in without attempting to change it was about as effective as bailing water into a sinking boat. This person said that sometimes we need to look at ourselves and find what it is that we could change and try something new. At the very least we could see what happens when we try. They probably saved my life now that I think about it.'' Chandler put in a slight pause as he started to rub his hands together. ``Anyway, I took what they said to heart. I stopped hiding in the corner of the cafeteria for lunch, I started answering the teachers' questions in class, I joined the drama club. And damn it all, was it stressful. There were times I felt so fragile and exposed, but every time decided to make an honest effort, and it worked. My life started turning around almost like magic. My grades got better, I felt better, and I asked out my crush, the one from earlier, she said no of course, but she told me that it was so cute of me to ask.'' Chandler let the story lapse for a while, smiling at the corners of his mouth. Sal was listening intently, mouth slightly agape.

``That's all it took?'' Sal asked incredulously.

``Don't think of it that way. Ask yourself how difficult it would be for you to go up to your crush right now and confess your feelings.''

``There is no way I could ever do that, not in a million years.'' Sal put his head in his hands.

But now imagine how you would feel if Dr. Sanders asked you to analyze one of these tests, could you do it?'' Sal nodded, his face still buried in his hands.And the only reason you would be able to do so it because you have done it hundreds of times before. You think that confidence is the lack of the fear of failure, it's not. It's being able to judge your experience and abilities and accepting the outcome after its happened. You are so stuck in your own head that every time you think about trying something different you expect it to end in the worst possible way, just like I was. I'm telling you that isn't what happens, but you need to come out of your shell and experience things to decide for yourself. What is the worst possible scenario if you tell me your crush's name?'' Sal couldn't bring himself to look at Chandler, the fox was so open and honest, and completely right about Sal. He resented that, the idea that someone could know him as well as he knows himself. Someone who grew up like he did but was able to act like he could do anything. Sal hated it, it hurt too much. And that's when the tears came. Sal's quiet sobs echoed throughout the lab.

Sal heard Chandler get up off his seat and walk toward him, but he was lost in his own misery. That's when he felt the arms wrap around him, the fox hugging him from behind and resting his head on Sal's shoulder.

``I know how much it hurts. You spent an entire lifetime putting up walls to protect yourself, and I came along and tried smashing them to pieces. I know how angry you are. At yourself, at me. I want you to know that it doesn't have to be like that, it doesn't have to hurt.''

Sal couldn't accept that. This fox knew nothing about him, they hardly ever spoke about anything before this summer. What does he know about me and my pain Sal thought. ``But how? I'm not like you. I couldn't just change who I am on a whim.''

After what I told you, did you think it was some miraculous change overnight? Does it seem that simple to you?'' Sal shook his head.It wasn't easy, it hurt. People had clung so hard to their image of me that they didn't believe it possible for me to be any different than who I was before. My own parents thought I had gotten into drugs because I came home with a smile on my face because I decided to. They sat me down and asked me straight out. The teachers asked me if I was feeling alright because I started participating more in class. Can you believe that? A teacher questioning why a student was actually putting in effort into class.'' Chandler let Sal have a moment or two to cry before continuing. None of it was easy, I got so many stares in the hall. I heard the whispers behind my back. It's funny how breaking the status quo gets people to notice you. And through it all I constantly felt anxiety. I felt like a stranger in my own life, I had so many sleepless nights trying to come to terms with myself.'' Sal felt the tears fall on his shoulder. He looked over at Chandler and saw the streaks trace down his cheek. Chandler looked back at Sal for a moment and then looked away.Even now and then I get a little lost in myself, but then I look at everything that happened because I tried to be better than I was. I finally found enjoyment in people and others and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Which is why....'' Chandler trailed off losing confidence in his words. He took a shaky breath, turned to look Sal in the eyes again. His stare so close and focused that Sal had to look away. ``Which is why I don't want to see you live like I did. I can't stand seeing others like me. You could be so much more, you only have to try. I had to do it alone, but you don't. I want to help you, I want you to help you. I don't want to see you like this anymore.''

Sal sat there feeling Chandler around him, lost in emotion and thoughts. The two sat there as moments turned into minutes. Sal didn't know what to say, not because of his social insecurities, but because he never heard someone say such things to him. Why would anyone say those words to him? It was like some cheesy romance, why would anyone care about him, especially Chandler who had too many friends to name.

Why?'' He whispered, barely audible in the room.Hmmm?'' Chandler responded. ``Why?'' Sal said a little louder. It was Chandler's turn to sigh. He let go of Sal and turned and faced the window. Sal saw the sadness in his reflection.

``It was freshman orientation. We were all in that lecture hall listening to the dean talk about the future and meeting our potential or something. I was sitting in the back of the hall waiting for the speeches to end and then I looked across the aisle and saw you. You had one of the flyers in your hand and were folding it. When you were done it was a paper hat. You put it on and chuckled at yourself. You looked around and our eyes met. You swatted that hat right off your head and looked back to the stage, I saw your blush under your fur.''

Sal remembered that day. He couldn't believe that someone had caught him doing something so childish, he was supposed to be a college freshman, practically an adult. Why was Chandler bringing that up now? After the last speaker you almost ran out of the hall, I looked for you outside and couldn't find you. I thought it was so...'' Chandler paused and cocked his head to the side, trying to find the words he wanted to say.comical. Looking out at a sea of college students and see someone so shy and awkward yet so undisturbed by others. I thought you were the complete opposite of me, outgoing and unconcerned about others.''

Chandler turned back to Sal a shallow smile on his face. Their eyes met, and Sal turned away, not used to this attention. Chandler walked over and leaned against the counter. It wasn't long before I learned that you were nothing like that. You always sat in the front rows of our lectures and kept to yourself. I followed you to the library to see where you hung out between classes and found you alone in the corner. I wanted to talk to you, but I recognized myself in your actions. You shunned contact with others and especially those who initiated the conversation,'' Chandler took a shaky breath. Sal was hanging on every word, completely surprised at what he was hearing.So... I kept making excuses to be around you, study sessions in the library, throwing parties hoping you would come, attending the same classes as you hoping maybe that you would finally reach out to anyone and through them I could connect to you. But you came never out of your shell. I began to lose hope I would ever get to talk to you.'' Beep. Another test over, another one initiated.

But'' he continued,something happened that I wasn't able to plan. We were paired together on that presentation for our ethics elective. I was shocked that after months of trying to have an excuse to talk to me, one just fell into my hands. Do you remember that class?''

I do. You ran up to me after the teams were announced and demanded my number so that we could meet up that same day to start it.'' Chandler chuckled at that.God, how eager was I?'' he said rubbing his face with a hand. `I couldn't believe that I finally had your number, I spent an hour trying to craft a first message. I went through drafts and drafts and you beat me to the punch with a simpleI'll be in the library after 4 if you want to meet today''' Chandler buried his head in his hands and laughed at his recollection, eventually it turned into a groan and he went quiet.

Sal couldn't think of anything to say. Chandler, self-confident Chandler, was talking about how he was scared to talk to him. It was beyond comprehension, why was he doing this, Sal racked his brain trying to find a reason and came up with none. All of a sudden, Chandler smacked his own face and shook his head. ``No, no Chandler, not now.'' Sal heard him whisper under his breath. He brought his hands down and Sal could see them visibly shaking as he crossed his arms. He took a deep breath and let it slowly exhale. He took a second breath, let it go. He drew in a third and continued his story.

``After that presentation, I hoped we would still text each other, that you would miraculously be comfortable around me. Of course, I was wishing for too much. Months and semesters rolled by, I lost hope in ever being your friend. I looked for other distractions. Other people, other classes, other things to keep me from thinking about you. It worked for a time, but whenever I was alone you were all I could think about. My close friends told me to move on, that it wasn't going to happen, but I couldn't just stop just like that. One night, I went out drinking with some friends and in a moment of weakness I took out my phone and was dialing in your number to call you tell you everything. Whether happenstance or fate, I dropped my phone as I was bringing it to my ear and watched as it shattered on the ground. I took it as a sign that it wasn't ever going to happen. And for a time, I actually moved on.'' By now, Sal could feel his stomach clenching, what did he mean moved on, why would anyone put themselves through that for him. All he could do was sit there and listen to every word. Chandler wasn't doing much better. He looked a shivering wreck. It hurt Sal to see him like this, the guy was pouring out everything and Sal was sitting there so disconnected. Sal stood up, grabbed Chandler's shoulders. Chandler sprung forward and wrapped his arms around Sal and pulled him close. Sal sat there stunned by the sudden hug, but let it happen.

``Why are you doing this to yourself, Chandler? Why are getting yourself so worked up over me? I'm nothing special and you are such an amazing person. You don't need to be so fixated on me.''

Shut up!'' The sudden outburst stunned Sal.I am doing this for me. I have had these feelings buried so deep and for so long that I have no idea anymore. But I have to do this. I have to show you that it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to let it all flood out. I want you to see that. Please just let me finish.'' Sal hesitantly nodded, slowly reaching around and returning Chandler's embraced. As he reached around, he felt Chandler release a shaky breath. Sal sat there listening to his breath slowly calm down, not saying anything. Chandler's head was buried in Sal's shoulder and slowly it came up. His voice was barely a whisper as he continued.

I thought I was over you, I thought you were out of my head. But then I heard you talking to Dr. Sanders and heard him offer you a position for the summer. My heart fluttered at that. He already offered me a position and I wanted to work with you one last time to learn for myself that I was finally over you. But Sal, after this summer, after working with you in this lab, after talking about anything to fill in the hours of this boring assignment, I couldn't admit it to myself that I was done with you.'' Chandler moved his mouth right next to Sal's ear.Salvador, I love you. And I have been in love with you since the first time I saw you four years ago.''

Chandler let go and slipped out of Sal's arms. He fell back into Sal's stool and plopped down. Sal couldn't form coherent thoughts. He just said that, he just said that. To him. What was happening to the world? Everything that he thought he knew was being overturned all in one day. His friend Chandler, not only was racked with self-confidence issues just like him but was also in love with him. What was he supposed to do with that, how do you even respond to that, what should he do? He gripped the fur on the top of his head as he tried not to go crazy with disbelief.

Sal sat there and couldn't find anything to say. Every time he tried, he just felt his heart in his throat. He couldn't even bring himself to look at Chandler. Chandler didn't look much better, he sat there with a blank expression on his face. He looked so calm, like he was waiting for the train, like he didn't just have an hour long confession of love. Sal turned toward the window, the same scene but it looked so different. He couldn't believe that just earlier he and Chandler were bonding over enjoying the scenery. How did it end up like this? They were talking about crushes and life.

I-, The machine started beeping, interrupting the scattered train of thought that Sal had. Chandler quickly turned and dealt with it, he removed the sample and put the next one in. He kept his back turned to Sal and tapped the counter top.

``I don't know what to say, Chandler...'' Sal couldn't think of anything else to say. It just was so far removed from anything that he ever thought would happen. It was like a dream.

``You don't have to say anything. You just needed to listen, and you did that perfectly. That's all. I have already accepted anything that could happen after this moment. I said what I wanted to and that's all.'' Chandler didn't turn around to face Sal. His voice sounded so far away.

``No one ever confessed that they loved me before. And after acknowledging my social anxieties, you have to admit that this isn't something that I could have taken easily.''

Chandler didn't respond right away. He slowly turned around and looked at Sal, his face had a small smile. It's not like it happens every day, and you're right, I'm sorry for springing this on you. Honestly, I'm surprised that you haven't run out of the room yet.'' A slight pause as Chandler looked at Sal.I know I'm being selfish, but can I ask you for a favor?'' Chandler's eyes pleaded with Sal, and Sal couldn't refuse.

``What is it?''

``Can we put this conversation on hold? You don't know what to say, I've been talking for the past hour. That was our last sample to get done before lunch. And it's still a great day out there. Let's go eat lunch and breathe for a moment or two.'' Chandler was looking out the window.

I... I'd think I'd love that.'' Sal turned to grab his bag. He was putting his stuff away when he felt arms wrap around him from behind. And almost as soon as they were there, they were gone. Sal turned his head and saw Chandler frantically backpedaling.I'm sorry, that was out of line. I'm sorry.'' He stammered out. Chandler gave a huge sigh and just looked so frantic.

Sal just laughed and laughed. Chandler looked just so unsure and silly. He went from being this confident savvy guy, to an emotional wreck, to acting like a naive kid. Hey, hey just take a deep breath. It's fine. It felt... nice.'' Chandler let out a deep breath and look relieved.Thank you''

Chandler turned and started walking toward the exit and Sal watched him pass. Chandler packed up his things, swinging his pack over his shoulder. He glanced back at Sal, his demeanor completely overwritten with a smile. Sal saved the final file and closed the computer and turned off the testing machine, Chandler waited against the door for him.

``So what did you end up bringing for lunch?'' Chandler tried striking up a normal conversation, trying to distance the two of them from the heavy conversation they were just having.

``Oh just some PB and J sandwiches and chips.''

``Yummy, I just have some leftover pasta from my dinner last night.'' Chandler turned to leave. Sal reached out and grabbed his hand, the thought not even finished in his head as he did it. Chandler was startled and looked at Sal. They looked at each other a moment before Sal found his voice.

I may not be... experienced in this, but.. I know that.. you need an honest answer.'' Chandler looked away.So.. I just ask you to wait. Tomorrow, I should have an answer for you tomorrow.''

Hey, hey. We said to let it go for the moment. Tomorrow's worries are for tomorrow. And...'' Chandler trailed off.Well, I'll let it wait for tomorrow.'' They walked off down the hall, Sal had a new perspective toward his friend. Interesting how talking about crushes leads to new opinions. That thought reminded Sal of the question that started all of this.

``It's Dr. Sanders, by the way.'' Chandler's chuckles reached his ears and he could feel his blush come back to his face. Chandler swung his arm over Sal's shoulders and pulled him close.

``That has to be the answer I was least expecting, but it fits so much.'' As they exited the building, Sal smiled sheepishly, feeling the sun hit his face.