Soliloquy
#8 of Clean Shorts
From conversations with myself and with a few others, I know I am not alone in dealing with these sort of problems. A lot of what I wrote needs to be said, but more than that, it needs to be heard and understood. You are not alone and you are worth it. There are people I wish I could've said this to before, but it's too late now. Hopefully someone who needs to hear this finds it in time.
The night air was chill but not cold, though that could've just been due to the numbness he felt for the world of late. The dark waters glistened like they were filled with thousands of jewels far below, a gentle breeze caressed his cheek like a familiar lover, but there was no welcoming warmth in the touch. Just like him, it too felt empty. He had always liked the dead of the night, when the world seemed so calm and peaceful, when he was alone with his thoughts. Those used to be the happier times for him, not lately though, no. Now his mind only turned in on itself, found every fault and flaw, shining a magnifying light on every perceived mistake he'd ever made and amplified them to the nth degree. He smiled for the world, because that's what was expected of him, but it wasn't what he felt inside.
He wanted to shout and scream, just so someone would finally hear him, for them to listen for once. But if he did that, what would he truly have to say and what would anyone do. What could anyone do? He was raised to be a man, not to burden others with his problems. "Cowboys don't cry" he'd been told every time he'd hurt himself, and so he started to believe the lie. All that did was trap him in a vicious cycle, each new pain compounding the one before it, until nothing but a tidal wave of anguish and anxiety stirred within him.
"Beautiful view, isn't it?" a soft serene voice spoke up, catching him by surprise.
"Y...yeah..." he replied, suddenly uncertain of himself.
"You want the harsh truth of the world?" Soliloquy asked with a pained smile. She was a tall and slender ebony furred canine, though it was hard to tell what species, dressed in an off the shoulder low cut stylish black silk dress. She could've easily been a wolf, fox or even an German Shepherd, but at the same time she didn't look like any of them. Even with the night sky behind her, her black on black form was easily visible against the endless star filled sky. The only colour which broke the black on black expanse of her inky black form was the whites of her perfect little teeth and her eyes of light grey. She stared at him for a long moment, her expression peaceful, yet intimidating. Somehow she barely wavered in the gentle breeze, despite looking so gaunt that she might be swept away by a puff of breath.
"Yes..." he replied, though not sure he really wanted to know. He suspected he already knew what she was going to say.
"The world will continue on without you when you're gone. But, because of that, so will people's lives. Every life you have interacted with in some way, touched in some way, they will all be reminded of you at some point in unexpected ways. Either in happiness or sadness, you will be remembered for a long time. Your loss WILL be felt, that is certain. There is no end, only a transference of a burden." Soliloquy spoke softly, though her words might have been harsh, her tone was not. She was not accusing him of anything, simply stating a fact she knew and believed to be true.
"How?" He asked, unable to meet her gaze any longer. Instead he turned to look at the full moon, high in the night sky. It looked so peaceful, he'd always loved the name for that one spot, "The sea of tranquillity". The name had always resonated with him, ever since he'd first heard it as a child, a child still able to laugh and truly feel happy.
"Everyone is someone's son, brother, sister...we're all connected. Even if you don't realise it, something as simple as smiling at a stranger passing by on the street can have an enormous ripple effect. You truly do not understand the influence and effect you have on the world around you, simply because you do not comprehend the vastness and magnitude of it." The ebony furred canine persisted, her gaze unwavering as she stared at him with a curious mixture of sadness and compassion.
"I don't matter, the world would be better without me and all my problems in it" he replied, perhaps more harsh than he intended. His emotions boiling over, anger, hatred, whatever it was rose to the surface unexpectedly.
"You matter to someone, we all do. The same way you can't tell people how you really feel, it's the same for that someone to tell you how they feel about you. We all want that connection, but we all are amazingly bad at expressing it, even though it is the one thing we all have in common" Soliloquy replied unphased, as if she'd had this exact conversation countless times.
"I've got nothing to live for..." his voice cracked, the pain starting to well up deep within him. Those same familiar icy talons once more began ripping into the very fabric of his soul, a deep pain unlike any other that was always there and nothing seemed to make it go away.
"There's nothing wrong with living for someone or something else, especially if it gives you enough purpose to continue and eventually find the reason to live for yourself. If you don't and you check out early, the opportunity to do good, to improve the world and other people's lives, that ends with you." For once she showed emotion, almost angry, but he knew she wasn't angry with him. She was angry at the world for doing this to him, to so many others just like him. It left them broken and scarred, unseen by the naked eye. Wounded soldiers in a battle no one saw and very few cared to even acknowledge as being real.
"Why do I feel so empty, so hollow?" he could feel the warmth of his own tears running down his face now, his vision of her blurred as the lights and stars both danced like a kaleidoscope before his eyes.
"Because you've been chasing what the world tells you what you need to feel happy. You've ignored your own hearts wants and needs, chasing the thin shiny veneer of a false world with nothing but empty promises and vapid, temporary beauty" She growled, briefly baring her white teeth in the process.
"You must think I'm weak, or soft for coming up here" his voice was shaky now, sounding weak and pathetic even to his own ears.
"No, you've been fighting this battle for as long as you can remember. Every time you've won a small victory, the enemy has rallied their forces and come back stronger, yet you have met them head on every time. Even the strongest soldiers get fatigued, that is why you need allies. You cannot and should not fight this war on your own, there is no shame in asking for help." Soliloquy spoke, barely above a whisper with tenderness in her voice, yet still clear enough to be heard over the gentle lapping of the waves against the pillar supports far below.
He sat in silence for a moment, mulling over everything the stranger had said. Seconds turned to minutes, turned to hours, until finally the sun began to rise over the horizon. Though he hadn't heard her leave, she was nowhere to be seen, leaving no trace that she was ever really there.
"Time to pick up your sword and shield, soldier. We live to fight another day..." he mumbled to himself as he began the descent down from the top of the bridge.