FSE

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God, it feels nice to be done with my work early for once. No more coworkers checking with me to see if my updates are done and committed, no more wrestling with several different kinds of janky work programs, and no more just... everything. The spiraling especially. Can't get mad at myself for needing a break if it's all taken care of already. Just me, a mug of soothing tea, an oversized green shirt with blue pajama bottoms, and whatever show I feel like zoning out to. ...or vocalizing criticisms of for hours on end, even though no one else is here. Whichever I latch onto first. Heck, it even started raining about half an hour ago. The perfect mood for this kind of night.

I was half-expecting to get a call from Bonnie yesterday to hear how it went. Then again, I suppose if it went well, she'd probably be... busy, to say the least. For most of the night. So I suppose the radio silence might not be a bad thing. Ky'll wanna hear how it went, though, so I hope she calls this weekend or something. ...I mean, I guess I could call HER now that I have her number, but it seems a bit soon for that; it's only Thursday, one day after Valentine's. She'll still be focused on work and her hubby. Yeah... yeah. Nothing to worry about just yet. Sit back, Clover, and let the chamomile kick in while the rain pitter-patters against the windows. Enjoy your evening, your short reprieve from everyone at work scrambling to get their shit together at the last-

***DING-DONG***

W-What? My doorbell? Who the heck's here at this hour? As I start getting up off the couch, setting my mug down on the pile of napkins on my side table, they start knocking, too. A lot. Before I can even get to the door, they try ringing the doorbell a few more times. This is either really important or I'm about to kick a VERY stupid door-to-door schmuck's ass. Finally getting there, I unlock the door, and-

"B-Bonnie?!"

"H... hi, Clover..." She's- she's soaking wet, trembling from the cold, and clutching something to her chest. She came here without an umbrella? What the heck happened?! ...no, not important right now, hurry up and just-

"Well, get inside, big gal, you're soaked through!"

"Thank you... t-thank you, C-Clover." Guiding her by the shoulders, I lead her to the couch and sit her down. Soon after, I grab a towel from the bathroom for her to start drying off; after she gets the worst of it out of her face, she wraps herself in the towel, and then I wrap a blanket or two over it for a bit of warmth. The shivers have eased a bit, but there's more I can do for that than just blankets.

"Alright... that should be fine for now. Sit tight, Bonnie. I'll get you some tea." She just nods, barely looking at me. Whatever happened, I need to do all I can; I promised myself, let alone Ky. I hurry to the kitchen and get the tea from one of my cabinets, fill a kettle with enough water for a tall mug, then get it started on the stove. With that done, I head back to check on Bonnie. ...she's still just sitting there, staring at the gift box in her hands, occasionally looking up at the TV even though I paused what I was watching. She looks... hollow. Dammit, Ky was right, this is way harder to look at when I can't blame it on the booze and know it'll pass by morning. ...still, she needs my help. This might even be my fault, too, considering the plan. I slowly take a seat next to her on the couch and try to adjust the blankets for comfort. They're already slipping off; she couldn't even bring herself to hold them in place.

"Bonnie... is everything... okay? What happened? You didn't even take an umbrella."

"I-I- I just... it's all my fault. My fault... I'm j-just a- just..." This isn't getting anywhere. She's tripping over her words and getting caught up in blaming herself. The light in her eyes isn't- ...wait. Her eyes...

"...Bonnie? Look at me."

"W-What? Why, I- w-why...?"

"...please. Please, just do it, Bonnie. Look straight at me." It takes her a moment to work up the nerve, but soon enough, she's beginning to turn her head towards me. After that, it's a matter of her working through that fearful expression until she can get her eyes to meet mine. After just a moment's examination, I see what I was worried about: her eyes, bright and blue, are stained a pale red. I'd assumed all the water was rain, but... not even close. She's realized what I know now, and is tearing up again.

"Clover, I... I was s-such a...!" The words catch in her throat as they're replaced with sobbing. Seeing her like this, there's only one thought in my head now: damn the consequences. I reach around her blanket pile and pull her into a hug, resting her head on my shoulder. She's caught off guard at first, but soon, I can feel her arms wrap around me in kind, pressing as close as she can to me, like she's scared I could disappear at any moment. Her sleeves are soaked, and my shoulder will soon be too, but that's the furthest thing from my mind right now. I begin adding gentle back rubs to the embrace, along with some sweet whispers of nothing in particular, anything that can be done to calm her. Another minute, and she's beginning to slow her tears enough to speak.

"Clover, I'm s-so... so stupid..." I clutch her just a bit closer, and carefully whisper my next words to her.

"Hell no, big gal. You're a lot of things: headstrong, sweet, self-sacrificing, maybe even a little naive... but you're not stupid. Never."

"But, but I... I tried so hard, and what did I get? The same. More of the same. Words that should mean something, maybe. A gift I could've derived m-meaning from, who knows... I felt like an idiot just standing there, pretending like I w-wasn't just... useless. A complete f-failure..." Alright, that's it. I break the hug, grab both of her shoulders, and look right into her eyes. Enough of that talk.

"Bonnie. That's enough. No matter how it went, none of it devalues you like that, I swear to you."

"B-But... how can you say that, Clover? E-Everything was just-"

"Well now, I could give you an itemized list, but... for starters, what's in the box, hmm?" There we go. I've got her thinking about what she's been clutching instead of the conclusion to the evening. She's fiddling with the box, and... blushing a bit?

"Oh, I... well, I had some extras from the display I made for him, and you were... I know you didn't have any company planned for the holiday, so I thought I'd, w-well, bring you a sample of the... the final batch. To see how they compare." Getting her nerves under control, she carefully lifts the lid to show me. Those familiar caramels are arranged tightly in the box, all wrapped gently in little squares of wax paper. It's a precious sight, seeing her bashfully offer me a belated gift for the holiday. I never placed much stake in it, but this... this feels lovely.

"Aw, for me? They look wonderful, Bonnie. See what I mean? Even through all the pain, you thought of someone else. That's not easy to come by in a person, you little angel." With that little reminder of her better qualities, I can see a smile beginning to take shape. It's small now, yes... but it grows bigger and brighter the more the gears turn, filling her with a bashful pride for herself. A distinct whistling sound begins to reach my ears by this point, though.

"...that said, I need a moment; these'll taste much better without boiling water covering my stovetop, I'd like to think." Drawing that adorable giggle out of her before I leave, I rush to the stove and pull the kettle off the burner. All that remains is the tea bag and a bit of sugar at the bottom of the mug, and then the water can work its magic. Now I can bring it to her and let it steep, maybe get a bit more info from her now that she's calmed down for the most part.

"One tall mug of tea. ...chamomile, not peach-bourbon, but we make do around here, big gal." After carefully handing her the mug, I take my seat next to her again. I could dig a little deeper, but first...

"Now... I believe I promised you a taste-test, yeah? Lemme see, here..." As expected, just gently taking the box from her is getting her all riled up. Keeping an eye on that excited face, I pluck a caramel from the box and set the rest next to my own mug. One unwrapping later, I decide to make a show of it by slipping the caramel past my lips while looking straight at her. If she couldn't get a reaction from HIM, well... she'll get every second of mine. Though, with how the taste is making itself known before I've even sunk my teeth into it, I won't need to try much harder than just making sure she sees. All it takes is one bite, and everything bursts in my mouth; those creamy flavors, soon followed by the salt, are stronger than ever. It's overwhelming, enrapturing... by the time I finally swallow and come to my senses, I can only imagine what I must have looked like, but Bonnie... she's over the moon. I've never seen her so happy.

"S-So, uh, yeah... I'd say those compare well, holy shit..."

"Hhheeehehhee, ohhhhhh, Clover, that was just precious. Even the cake didn't get you quite THAT far gone, and you were utterly blissful back then~" A warm, flush sensation spreads across my face. God, that cake... I've made several trips to the bus stop she comes from for that bakery since then. Those days, I'm the earliest riser I've ever been, all to make sure I've got first pick of the lot. I-I may have put on a few extra pounds, but... it feels so worth it.

"Really? Huh... guess I'll have to take your word for it, because I, er... well, I wasn't thinking too hard while eating that, let's say that much. I... probably shouldn't have more of those for now if you want a coherent conversation, that sound alright?" More of those little giggles... even her tail's wagging a bit, despite being buried under several layers.

"That's perfectly fine, yes. Especially since I didn't really finish telling you what happened... if you're okay hearing." There... the magic words. Getting her to divulge all that of her own accord is better than I could've ever hoped for. I reach for my mug, take a sip of my remaining tea, and ready myself for the coming discussion.

"Of course, Bonnie. Tell me anything you feel okay with sharing, alright? No need to go any further than you feel comfortable with."

"Okay... okay, I can do that. Thank you, Clover." Her breathing's calmed down, I think. Good. She'll need that composure if she's gonna relive what she went through.

"Okay, so... I probably said enough that you can guess that he didn't... react much. But this time, I realized something. He always says something indirect. Something careful, calculated. It's just- I feel like if I were better at all this, I could feel what he's trying to say, but as is, it's just... nothing. I feel nothing, and it all feels like my fault that I can't appreciate a single word he says. The bouquet he got me was similar; I'm no expert in the language of flowers. I would've loved it anyway, though, if only I didn't feel like I'd just had the realization stab right through my hard work and my heart. Dinner went by fast, routinely, and I just couldn't take it down there anymore. I headed upstairs. ...I haven't actually eaten any of this batch besides a single one when the process was all over. I-I... I couldn't even look at them, Clover. Not like that." Goddammit... figures nothing could get through his cast-iron skull on this matter. It's sounding pretty consistent, even; he's well-meaning, but whatever worked for them early on? That's gone. It's no wonder Bonnie's been torn to shreds on the inside worrying about whether she's good enough for him, if she's not getting the things that made her feel as wonderful as she rightly is.

"Yeah... somehow I'm not surprised. Still, that was just Valentine's, and I don't think you came rushing here in the pouring rain, sans umbrella, for something that happened yesterday evening. Am I right?" She looks a bit awkward, but at least she's not shrinking down. I might actually get the full story here...

"Well, you're right, but there's more that happened on Valentine's before we get to that. The moment I went upstairs, I threw everything off and curled up in bed... couldn't bring myself to do anything else, honestly. Just wanted to sleep and forget it all. I couldn't, though. I was stuck there, awake and hurting, for what felt like a long time. Then Penn came up for the evening as well, got settled in, and h-he... well, I think he tried to make it right. Or maybe he just knew I was hurting, not why. Either way, he tried massaging me a bit, like old times. I even enjoyed it a little, but I just- I-I started feeling this tightness in my chest, like something was so, so wrong, and I... I panicked. I asked him to stop, all while I broke down in front of him. He made an attempt to calm me down, and it sort of worked, but I mostly just tried to suppress it. At least I finally passed out from that mental drain..."

"God, I... I'm so sorry, Bonnie. I know a thing or two about the things you enjoyed losing their lustre, but that, that was... it was brutal. And you're telling me something happened tonight, too? You sure you're okay with telling me all this, big gal?" With a bit of determination, however somber it may be, she nods in response. I'll be here a while yet, and I wouldn't miss the chance to support her through this for anything.

"Okay... so I was still feeling completely drained throughout the day. Dinner went by similarly; I couldn't bring myself to care about the taste, but I had to eat something. I finished long before him, set my dishes aside, and t-then, I... I t-thought of you. Of those extra caramels I'd saved. I think Penn noticed me brightening up a bit, so he asked about it. I thought that'd be alright to share, but I... okay, I went too far. He asked what made me feel so good after visiting, and I... I-I just nearly starting gushing about all the things y-you- that I feel while I'm here. I said you made me feel lucky, special, valued, and he... he just kind of sat there for a bit, and just before I could grab my umbrella, h-he just... he asked me if he didn't make me feel like that. A-And Clover, I... I felt horrid. I tried so h-hard to say something, anything, and I just... ran. I ran. I'm... all I did was hurt him, and I gave up my chance to make it right, Clover. I'm h-h-horrible..." I... I'm just... wow. She's nearly crying again after finishing her story, and I can sure as shit see why. I'm absolutely goddamn livid with him. This whole situation is just... I get why Bonnie thinks she went too far, but that didn't warrant this. It didn't warrant this at all, in any way. I'm shaking just thinking about what I'd have done if I were there for her. ...though, with the sorts of things running through my mind, maybe it's for the best that I wasn't.

"...Bonnie. If there's anything I want you to remember I've told you, let it be this: that wasn't fair. It was a touchy thing to ask you in general, and that was a wretched, cruel way to do it, so don't you dare feel bad about running here. I was ready to listen, wasn't I? You came to the right place." Just as the tears started, they're halted in their tracks as she looks up at me in surprise. That gives way to a sense of calm, and she sets her mug on the other side table, nearly done steeping. Those tears still fresh in her eyes, she scoots a bit closer. An embarrassed look makes itself apparent on her face, beginning to lean in for another hug. I oblige, feeling the difference in intent as she breathes deeply against me, carefully expressing her tender feelings of gratitude. She's the one to pull away in the end, but it's with a smile on her face this time.

"So, with all t-that out of the way... should we, I dunno, watch something? You've already got it going, and I don't think I'm... I'd rather not... go home. After that."

"Like I was gonna send you out there in the pouring rain, Bone? Oh, you wound me so~! Besides, it's not like this is the first time I've hosted you, now is it?" Theeeere we go, perfectly-calculated jabs for a blush. Always worth seeing. This feels like it might be a bit much, but you know what? It feels right, too.

We're there for hours on end, finishing up the second season of the show we'd started when I first had her over. The tea seems to be helping her, too, she's the most relaxed I've seen her tonight. Enjoying every moment, every laugh, even the tense, emotional bits... it's all a joy to see her so genuine in how she takes in the narrative unfolding on the screen. ...might be a bit TOO relaxed, honestly. Near the end of our little Season 2 watch party, she began to look like she could fall asleep right there. Maybe not a surprise, considering the hell she's been through, but the next bit is what really surprises me. Still staring at the show going on, I hear her set her mug down, move a bit closer to me, and then... suddenly, her head's resting on my thigh. I-I mean, I'm... not complaining??? God, Ky would kill me if she saw this, though. Why's this happening, anyway? Looking down at her for some answers, all I can see is her eyes drifting shut occasionally, still watching the finale. I guess... she can stay like that. I'm not about to stop her, even if I... I really ought to, my god.

I can feel her shifting up and down slightly as she breathes. Sleepy giggles reverberate through my leg, and she even adjusts her position against me occasionally. It's tempting to return the gesture a bit, maybe a hand on her shoulder, but somehow, even that seems a touch too far right now. I've done it so many times before without a worry, but this is... different, somehow.

Even as the credits play out, all our favorite arcs wrapped up in a neat little bow, she continues to rest there. I can't bring myself to disturb her. S-She's just so... so peaceful. Well after the credits are over, I can feel her breathing get slower than ever. Hopefully she's asleep... she deserves it, and I can't just keep sitting here. Carefully, gently, I put a hand under her head, lifting it while reaching for a pillow to replace my leg with. Just as I grab it, though, I feel a tight grip on my outer thigh; quickly looking back at Bonnie, I see her eyes have opened, with a worried, meek look on her face.

"D-Don't go... please...?" ...oh no. That yearning in her eyes is just... I-I can't say no. I can't do that to her. I really don't want to keep sitting here like this, though... I mean, there is ONE solution I can think of, b-but it's-

"Bonnie... d-do you wanna... come with me?" ...spilling out of my mouth without goddamn thinking, WHAT THE HELL, CLOVER?! Now she's gonna freak out and I just screwed it all up, everything will be back to square one, she won't feel safe here, I'm such a-

"...I'd love to, Clover." Wh- E-Excuse me? What's happening right now? Am I- am I really bringing her to my room? By the hand? ...well, we're down the stairs already, so I guess this is... really happening. She's going to be sleeping in my room. Probably no more than three meters away, on a pallet. Right there. This is... it's just crazy, I-I'm-

"Gimme a moment, big gal. I'm guessing you're not about to sleep in all that, so it's lucky my preferred sleepwear includes comfy, oversized shirts. No need to fret about sizing if they're practically draped over you! I... don't have bottoms in your size, though, I'm built like a twig and kind of a bean pole. Hopefully that's not a problem."

"Oh, not at all. It sounds a lot like college, honestly, hehee..." Okay... just get this over with. Don't think too hard about it. Just pass her the sleepshirt you got from mom's old nightwear that has a... okay, I have no idea what the decal is, some kind of aviator group? Regardless, she's got the sleepshirt, she can get changed while I find her a suitably heavy blanket in the dresser for a pallet. ...s-shit, I can hear every piece as she removes it. Focus, just focus, eyes on the drawers, the blankets have gotta be here somewhere. Mid-left? No. Bottom-right? Still no. Top-left? Mid-Right??? G-God, why can't I remember where I-

"So, um... are you going to look for something a little while yet, or were you planning on getting some sleep? It's pretty late, Clover..."

"Well, i-it's not just anything, I'm looking for- ...o-oh." I decided to look back at her to explain, but... she wasn't there. Just her clothes and bra in a neat little pile. Scanning the room quickly revealed that she'd made herself quite at home in my bed, with the covers still raised and waiting for another to join. I mean, it's just big enough for two, but... pinch me, there's no way this is happening, she's- she can't be that enthusiastic about the idea, can she??? ...god, and the sleepshirt isn't leaving much to the imagination, despite looking more like a curtain spilling over her than a shirt. I need to explain. There's no way this can continue.

"...you know what, nevermind. It wasn't anything important." YES IT WAS, DAMMIT! Godddd, what am I doing?! Just going over to turn off the light, walking back towards the bed where she's awaiting my presence, pulling the covers over us, it's... it's all so goddamn stupid!! So why... why am I still here, letting it happen?!

My question's soon answered as I feel her hold my left arm ever closer to herself. I can feel her; she's so close, and she- she seems so at ease. Those little sounds she's making as she cuddles in closer... those overjoyed, contented sounds, some mix of her trademark giggling mixed with exhausted sighs. Just hearing them, I find I can't resist a gesture of my own, beginning to gently entangle my legs with hers. I have my pajama bottoms on, but even through them, I can nearly feel her fur brushing through, trying so hard to meet mine. It's all just...

She's perfect.

Suddenly, I lose my will to care what happens because of this. We're both here, reveling in each other's company, ready to drift off knowing the other is safe, right by our side. I couldn't have dreamed up a better end to an evening with her... and I'll admit, my dreams have been less than wholesome, even with my promise. I don't know what this will mean for us going forward. What we'll be to each other, how the situation will change from here on, or how we'll navigate it all. There's only one certainty left for me in this world...

...Ky's gonna end me the moment she finds out. Ah well. Can't say I regret a single thing I've done on this mortal coil anymore, including accepting my present company's affections. Let her come. With any luck and a careful talking-to, we'll both come out of this alright. Yeah...

We'll be fine. Right here, together.