FSE

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Chapter 3

Morgan stood there in silence, her arms crossed as she looked into my eyes. "Colton, are you gay?" She repeated. I didn't know what to say, I was frozen.

Part of me wanted to say yes, and finally get it out in the open but, the other part of me jumped in and I said, "No. I'm not." I pushed past her and walked back out onto the sales floor to clean up.

It was getting close to closing time and I had a bunch of things to do. The muffled crack of thunder could be heard in the store. The storm was coming.

My coworker followed me back out onto the floor and persisted. "Are you sure? You seemed to be flirting an awful lot with that guy."

I pulled the trash bag out of the can. Only receipts and paper laid in the thin plastic bag. "He's someone I know from school. Trust me I'm not gay." I made my way to the next trash can.

"If you were you could tell me. I wouldn't say anything to anyone." I didn't doubt her, I just wasn't ready. She didn't go to my school but, I still didn't want to chance anything.

After I pulled the bag from the can I made my way back to the back warehouse and tossed it into a larger trash can. I headed back up to the front of the store and straightened up my area. I wiped down the counters, swept the carpet, and made the space look nice for the morning crew.

I walked back through the black doors into my back area to clean up some more. I made sure all the computers were locked up, cables put away, and everything was organized. The entire time I kept thinking about what Morgan said.

Yes, of course I was gay. I knew. I've known for a while, it was only recently that I started to accept it myself and stop denying it. I had known that I was attracted to guys for five years and only this year came to terms with my sexuality. It was hard enough to admit it to myself and I didn't think I was ready to tell anyone yet.

Before I knew it Morgan popped back up. She stood behind me in our back area. "Colton, are you gay?" She spoke in a calmer voice than she did before. It was as if she was being sympathetic.

I was facing the wall and looked down at the desk as I let out a soft, "Yes." It was barely audible. I doubted Morgan heard me say anything; all she probably heard was a murmur. I turned around and faced her, I held my tears back as I repeated it once more. "Yes... I'm gay."

The first person I told wasn't the first one I expected or really wanted to for that matter. Of course I didn't really tell her, she pulled it out of me. I had a flood of emotion run through my mind; fear, anger, sorrow, happiness. I didn't know what to feel but what I did feel was a weight of the burden being lifted off my shoulders.

Morgan didn't say anything, not at first. She had a slight look of surprise on her face as if she was surprised after her insistence that I told her. She gave me a hug and when she pulled away she finally said, "How do you feel?"

It was a weird question to ask but, at the same time it wasn't. "I don't know how I feel." I managed to get out. I felt my voice crack slightly. I did my best to hold back the tears. It was refreshing to tell someone but I just wanted to cry.

"You have nothing to worry about. I still accept you." She tried to reassure me but, those words cut through me. 'I still accept you.' Reminded me of all the people in my life that may not accept me. The people that will stop talking to me, treat me differently, or exile me altogether.

"Thank you." I told her. Thank you for still being my work friend and thank you for finally getting me to admit it to myself and aloud.

The seal was finally broken and maybe now that one person knew I could summon the strength to tell my family and friends. I could still wait to tell them if I really wanted but, I would risk them finding out another way. And that was something I didn't want to risk.

That night I left work in the pouring down rain. A storm raged overhead with hard rain, strong winds, lightning and a threat of hail. It took me longer to drive home because of it, at least that's what I told myself. Deep down I was terrified to go home.

Once I pulled up to my house I sat in my car, the rain pounding down. I had turned the car off and revealed the dark surroundings. The only signs of light came from the houses on the street and the occasional car that passed. I looked around out at the windshield, the water hit and flowed down. I sat there for a moment and stared into the emptiness between me and the dashboard. Finally the dam broke and I began to cry. Tears streamed down my face as I fell apart in my car. Tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of fear.

While I had felt a small weight had been lifted off my shoulders I now felt a new burden. Telling my family and most importantly my parents. If Max didn't approve and stopped talking to me then I only had to wait a few months and he was off to college. But my parents, they were another story. They could kick me out of the house and disown me. I'd be homeless. And while I know that happens, it was hard to say whether or not I would part of that statistic.

Finally after a few minutes of crying I composed myself. I exited my car and stepped out into the rain. Within a matter of seconds I was soaking wet, through my clothes and down to the skin. Normally I would have ran to the door but I knew the rain would hide the fact that I had been crying. Should anyone ask.

I opened the garage door and walked through to the door on the other side. I stepped into the house and was immediately hit with a freezing blast of air conditioning. Lucky for me I was in the laundry room which doubled as a mud room.

I grabbed a towel off a pile of clean ones and started to dry myself off. I stripped off my wet clothes which felt like a struggle as they clung to my wet fur. I tossed them into the large sink basin next to the laundry machines and wrapped the white towel around my waist.

The house was quite as I walked out of the room and headed down the hallway. No one was around, not a single person in the kitchen or living room. It was almost ten and everyone had retreated to their own rooms. My younger siblings were already in bed fast asleep and my parents were probably watching TV in their room.

I headed up the stairs and walked into my room and shut the door behind me. I laid down on the bed, towel still wrapped around my waist, and just stared up at the ceiling. Multiple thoughts ran through my head, every possible scenario, every worst outcome. The more and more I laid there pondering the more it plagued me.

There was a soft knock on the door. Before I could respond the door unlatched and opened. I sat up and saw my mom standing in the doorway.

"I just wanted to make sure you were home safe. It's getting pretty bad out there." She said and looked at me. It was as if a mother's intuition had kicked in and she knew something was wrong. "Honey, is everything okay?"

I didn't respond, I just sat there in silence and stared at the floor. Say it! Tell her now. Just get it over with. She's your mother. I thought. I held back more tears and looked up at her. I managed to squeak something out at least. "Mom... I need to talk to you and dad."

"Is everything okay? Did you get into an accident on the way home?"

"No, I just need to talk to you guys about something. I'll be in your room in a minute."

She nodded and left the room. It was time. I was finally going to tell my parents but, I sure as hell wasn't doing it in a towel. I grabbed some gym shorts off the floor and a shirt and slipped them on, my hair still wet from the rain.

As I left the safety of my room and headed down the hallway I heard Maximus in his room. I opened the door without knocking and saw him playing video games. He paused the game and looked over at me. I must have had a look on my face that anyone could read because it prompted a response from him.

"Colt, dude, are you okay?" He asked.

I stood there for a second before saying, "I need to tell you something. Can you come with me to mom and dad's room, please?"

"Sure, bro." He stood up and followed me down the hall to my parent's room.

This was it. I was finally about to tell them. Years of waiting and denial, years of self-torture, years of hiding, all came down to two simple words. Words that seemed fine on their own but, when together can change everything.

My parent's door was open, the lights on, and the TV on as well but the sound was off. I stepped inside, my mom and dad sat up in their bed looking at me. Once they saw Max behind me they seemed to become more concerned.

I stood at the foot of their bed and leaned slightly on a dresser that was against the wall; my brother off to my side. I didn't say anything, I started to freeze up. It was as if the words fled my brain and now I struggled with what to say, or how to say it. A flurry of emotion rushed through me and I started to become dizzy.

"What's going on?" My mom asked.

"Did you get a girl pregnant?" My dad added.

"No..." I responded. The words were stuck in my throat and I just had to force them out. I felt the tears building in my eyes and finally break the surface. "I'm gay." Tears started to fall. "I-I didn't know how to tell you, or when to tell you. But... I'm gay." My brows curled up and my chin quivered.

There was silence for a moment as those words sunk in. My parents didn't say anything but my brother walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me.

He hugged me tight and said, "It's okay. You'll always be my brother and I'll love you no matter what." I started to cry more. It was a relief to hear those words from him. He pulled out from the hug, looked at me in the eyes and smiled. He stood by my side while I waited for a response from my parents.

I looked up at them. "Please. Say something." I pleaded.

"Are you sure you're not bi or confused?" My father of course questioned.

I shook my head no even though part of me wanted to say yes to soften the blow but, I couldn't keep lying. Not to them and certainly not myself. Plus they'd find out when I never brought a girl home.

"I just need to know what you're thinking." I pleaded more.

My mother got up from the bed and gave me a hug. She held my head in her arms as if I was a small child. "Don't ever feel like you need to hide who you are, sweetie. You're father and I love you. You have nothing to worry about." She let go of me and I saw my father standing there.

I couldn't tell if he was doing it to be nice or if he really meant it but, he gave me a hug nonetheless. He still didn't say much. I think overall he was going to need more time and realize that I'm still the same person inside.

When I left the room I headed back to mine, my brother by my side. He smiled, said "Goodnight, Colt." and walked into his room. I stepped into mine and shut the door. I laid back on my bed and smiled, tears still clustered on my face and fur. I felt an enormous weight lift off my body. It was more refreshing than when I told Morgan.

The only thing left for me to do was to tell my friends and be open about it. That was of course easier said than done.