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"BLEU" PART 2

WHAT AM I DOING!?????

A terrible dilemma with an unfathomable depth struck me from every single direction. WHO!? WHAT!? WHEN!? WHERE!? WHY!? HOW? WHICH!?

I don't know what I'm doing! Fantasy? I have long accepted the reality of this world! Which is the real world!? This world, what am I talking about!? This drag somehow kept pulling me away? Am I doing something wrong!? Why do I like these worlds so much even though they are clearly made up!? I don't know! Which is the real world? This one where I'm currently sitting on my chair!? What is up with this attraction to these fantasy stories? I just suddenly got interested! When did this even started? A, a, a few days ago! Is this an addiction like drugs? I don't think so, not even drugs can catch on that quick!? Am I having depression? WHAT!? Why am I floating around between these worlds then? I don't know! I know that lying in bed all day for prolonged periods is bad for my health, right? I really don't know what I'm doing! I DON'T KNOW!

**WHICH is the real world?

HOW is this even possible?

WHY is this even happening?

WHERE are the reasons and answers? 4

WHEN did all this started?

WHAT is even happening?

WHO AM I? WHO!?????

I DON'T KNOW...

I DON'T KNOW!!!

......

I REALLY DON'T KNOW...**

I felt an unknown rush of emotion that could not be explained, but this time I couldn't ignore it. The questions left my eyes wide open with shock. Thoughts have passed through my head over the years with little resistance, but this one stayed in front of my eyes like a stubborn form of my rebellious self. It blocked out all other thoughts, leaving me with no room for peace. Complete unease. The first I noticed, was my inability to answer questions sincerely. My answers could not hide the true intention behind them.

Back in Army, our commander course hard wired us to not use "I don't know" for the weight of responsibility behind our ranks, even as mere Junior commanders. There must always be a reason behind everything. We have to answer truthfully, even if it costed our dignity. We went through more than those that didn't, to earn our place. However, this time it was different. I could not find any answer. And these questions were not asked by anyone but myself? I couldn't figure out why any other sincere answer was impossible, other than "I don't know".

There was only one path, laid out by the questions. I had no choice but to follow the questions slowly to find the source... maybe the truth...

NIGHT SEPTEMBER 18TH 2021

I managed to calm down the surge of dilemma, but the questions did not fade away. Not at all. This path seemed to be laid out clearly, accompanied by an attractive force than drifted my thoughts to it. Something similar to my initial "interest" of fantasy, but this was slightly different. It had a slightly forced nature, but not forceful at the same time. It felt more like a guidance. I have managed to recover the pacing of my thoughts, and sort through the mess of questions in my mental capacity.

I have experienced this before, during my rebellious age. But... Who caused this? What is the cause? When did this even started building up? Where did these questions come from? Why is it happening now? How is this related to the things I have been doing? Which is the true cause? These questions were never that clear during my past mental struggles. Back then I was filled with confusion, but now these thoughts were clear like black ink on white paper. Why is this the case? W-

More Who's, What's, When's, Where's, Why's, How's, Which's... The more I thought, the more came through. The questions even stacked on each other to seemingly infinite levels, gaining an overwhelming presence.

I had to stop my thoughts and just let them drift. More questions arose when I forced myself to think. It is impossible to stop a flood with a barehanded... Wait...

Why am I stopping them? Why am I stopping myself?

1 hour passed

I focused further that even time seemed to slow down around me. Now it was one hour after sunset. I sat on my bed in my room, in darkness. I stopped reading my phone. My computer too. My room was nearly plunged in full darkness, only illuminated by my computer screen on the opposite end of the room. I forgot to log on into ARK again, but I just couldn't care. This trance-like state just went on...

Deep down in the darkness of my head, I have slowed my thoughts so much that all external perception faded away to black. There was this path I was walking down that was made up of nothing but two white pencil lines, in a familiar scribbled and slightly messy way. With no idea what was happening, I just followed the flow of my movements down this seemingly endless path...

After what seemed like a really long time, a thought finally floated to me: Why am I drifting?

Answers came out without control, I don't even know if I was answering them...

I... am... just...tired... of everything... around me... this life... of nothingness... everything that I liked... vanished... one after another... I tried my best... in everything I can... for everyone... I never felt... that I liked doing anything... anymore... tired of this world... tired of this online study... tired of my family's scolding... tired of this stupid computer... tired of this stupid internet... tired of this stupid pandemic... tired of this stupid weather... tired of this stupid heat... tired of this online study nonsense... tired of this study life... tired of this YouTube addiction... tired of this game... tired of my responsibilities... tired of this depressing lifestyle... this loneliness... this darkness... this idiot cooped up in this room... this idiot looking at the screen all day... this idiot lying on the bed all day... Just tired... of... MYSELF...

MYSELF...

NO IDEA HOW MUCH TIME PASSED

This thought just went on until it faded to nothingness, but it left behind a sense of unease. Down this "path" another questioned floated up: How did all this happen?

The response was the same... out of my own control...

I... lost... the motivation and drive... to do... anything... I... just kept... staring at my phone... or playing my game... I don't know... why... I kept doing it... everything... was noisy... but I felt nothing... I just kept moving on... I just kept doing my thing... my role... my job... my responsibility... I cannot let my mates down... I cannot let my parents down... but... somehow... I... just... couldn't do it... I'm always... stuck until the last minute... I tried... but can't try too... this unease... never disappears... I... always stop... until the last minute... I have to... finish my studies... but... I don't know... why... I... cannot... do... anything... I have my studies... my future... careers... my life... I just cannot... disappoint... MYSELF...

**MYSELF...

MORE TIME PASSED**

Same as the last, this just went on until it faded. But this one left a lingering ring in my head... Before long, another question surfaced from nothingness: Which is the way out of this?

This time I was able to answer this, but the thoughts were fuzzy...

I tried escaping... from this darkness... by finding new things to do... and tried to keep up with my existing performance for others... I tried to find the thrill... motivation and drive... but nothing seemed to work... things just kept distancing themselves from me... be it people... or just luck... I tried watching videos and livestreams for entertainment... but they just got dull over time... I tried my best in ARK for the fulfillment of giving the most contribution... I tried to accept online study... but everything just distanced themselves... I tried self-pleasure... but it just became dull... I went against my morals to take cans of beer offered by my family for the bliss... but it never registered... I tried inventing new dishes from the fridge... but it distanced from me too... I kept trying to find my calm in the night sky... but luck just stopped me in the form of weather... I tried multiple times to find my own problem, even when staring at the mirror... but it is just... MYSELF...

**MYSELF...?

TIME PASSED, BUT SOMETHING CHANGED**

Something felt different. I felt the urge to look back for no reason... Time seemed to have picked up its pace. I had absolutely no idea what happened. But before I could manage another thought, another question flashed in front on me in a manner different from the previous ones...

Where are you at?

I answered this with a much faster response than before, but full of confusion:

I'm in this world, the real world, but what's this drifting in fantasy like my childhood days? I accepted the reality of society a long time ago, as my mind matured into an adult. I have done my things with my best efforts, in the most efficient ways of approach. But why I never felt fully accomplished? Always with this underlying sense of unease? I have been in this situation of trying to escape this dullness. But how do I even get out of this impossible situation? Even if my surroundings can change or improve back to the days before the pandemic, when can this happen? Back to the original question, which way should I take to get out of this? Is this even a question? What is up with me? Is this self-doubt? What am I? Am I supposed to be like this? Who am I? Am I really supposed to be like this? Am I MYSELF?

**MYSELF!?????

......**

There was no answer. I stopped drifting along the path, everything around me just sped up and faded away. I snapped back to my senses, back in this miserable dark room, with my face illuminated by the light of my computer screen.

**There was no answer.

Not at all.

Just silence...

Just emptiness...**

I FELT EMPTY.

The thought of feeling empty was nerve wracking. I can deny it no more. I felt alive as a person, but not as a person too. I had periods of wiping the pages of my personality over for a change, but this wasn't a change. I did those wipes with a motivation and reason, but this had none. I went through tough times before those changes too, but this was different. I have experienced solitude and neglect all my life and always went along with it, but this seemed to be more than just that. It is just something more than that... I felt that something is missing.

A SOUL.

I looked into that direction, but there is nothing but pitch-black darkness. I left my room and looked at the same old mirror in front of my sink after a facewash. My face still has that same blank expression. From previous reading from times that cannot be dated, I remembered a phrase: "The eyes are the windows to the soul." I looked at my expression in the mirror again and even tried to force a smile.

There was no life behind them. My lingering senses were correct with my thought of feeling "empty". A flashback surfaced, I have experienced countless fictional and real stories depicting this mood and expression. The unease that had followed me for the past hour(?) faded away upon this realization. This expression was all too familiar to me from those stories and manga. When someone has experienced so much darkness that they lost even their emotion. All too familiar in real life too. I have dealt with suicide and drug stories in National Service. Same with the dark stories in study life that led to crime and even more suicide cases. This is a sign of DEPRESSION.

I returned to my room and turned my mobile phone on. This time not to look at more stories of fantasy, not global weather updates, not YouTube or Twitch, not discord for my gaming community, nor random websites for weird content. This had a clear intent behind. I keyed in the 10 letters that made up the word onto the search engine...

DEPRESSION

The last time I visited the results of this search, was 2 years before. I saw this checklist that determined the risk of an individual developing depression. When the checklist determined that I was in a high risk, I shrugged it off. That flashback came back to me 2 years later, today. There was no choice, so I went on and tried a couple of simple tests to detect signs of depression. Somehow, I wasn't holding back my answers to these questions. I just let all the thoughts out to them.

It felt weird...?

The results were out quickly, taking off any lingering senses of unease that were still gripping stubbornly before. The symptoms have proven that I have already progressed into moderate levels of depression. Something in my heart moved, like a small sack of flour weirdly falling off a great pile after just a gentle breeze. I could suddenly feel something drifting in my head, something that seemed softer than a waft of smoke. It was faint, but the feeling was familiar. I slowed my thoughts down and entered the dark place again, but this time it was much easier.

BACK INTO THE DARKNESS

It was the same feeling that pulled me into the fantasy stories. I felt that it seemed to have a color other than black, otherwise I would not have noticed it. I felt the pull again, but this time I was strangely aware of it. Aware? Since when did this sense of awareness started? It was strange.

The notion of this thought quickly snapped me out of the dark place, bringing flashbacks with it. Flashbacks of story characters following a path to another world? Peter Pan? Doraemon? Alice in Wonderland? My eyes were wide open again, but I had no idea how much time has passed. I looked at my phone, and only a couple of minutes passed. Something changed again, which I could not understand. It felt like a small flash of light, like those blueish stars in the skies that I could identify in the Orion constellation when stargazing. A word floated into my thoughts with it...

ESCAPE.

But why escape? What am I escaping from? Escape to where? Escape... wait... is there such a word as... Escapism?

My focus snapped onto this word. I whipped up my phone and quickly keyed that word into the search engine. The first meaning in the result kept my eyes wide open...

"the tendency to seek distraction and relief from unpleasant realities, especially by seeking entertainment or engaging in fantasy."

I felt that small flash of light again, but clearer than the last. Also accompanied with the other feeling of something lifting off in my heart of bottomless black.

But how do I get out of this and escape? Does that change anything? I already felt slightly different from just minutes ago. What was causing this change? What's happening? What's this awareness I got within this short time? Am I really having escapism now? But why? Why am I even asking this question? Does this have anything to with my-

Depression?

Unknowingly, the same feelings came upon me again, stronger than the last. I could even feel it this time, as this question seemed to have silenced every other question pestering my thoughts. Now only the word "depression" remained in my head, like a black word written on white paper. There was another strange attraction to the word, leading into the darkness again.

This time, there was no path. I wandered aimlessly, but couldn't stop moving. Something that looked like a photo descended into my hands, breaking the darkness. Is this really a photo? It didn't look like paper. A memory? Flashback? When I picked it up, more started falling from the darkness. Glancing at the one in my hands without even taking note of the image, I felt unease. But what came along was something that has not surfaced as far as I could remember, since my rebellious age...

FEAR

What's that? Why's this suddenly twisting up my stomach? What's this sudden sense of disgust? What's this sudden sense of rejection? What's the meaning behind this feeling?

Unease.

I turned at the image. It was an empty dark room. Everything was dull. I couldn't make up the colours. Something wasn't right about my viewing height. There was something beside me that looks like a rough chord of grey rope. The vision paused there for quite some time before the stillness finally breaks. A sudden shudder gave way to an intense rattle, stronger than an earthquake. My vision was forced up to the ceiling, to reveal the connection of the rope to a dark ceiling. The image quickly cracked and shattered, and vanished from my grasp. What was that?

Unease.

Another image fell in front of my vision like a snowflake. This one was looking down the centre of a straight line of black tarmac going into the horizon. White lines neatly lined the path. Grey shiny figures raced past me with speed, but I wasn't moving. I just stood... Until a black shiny figure came right up to me and swallowed up everything along with the image. What was that? A car?

Unease.

That image quickly vanished, but another fell next to me and caught my sight. More unease welled up within me. I was overlooking over the world, looking at the open grey sky. A gentle breeze which felt soothing gave way to a mad tempest when my vision distorted, accompanied by many shades that raced by. I looked up, and saw a still image getting closer and closer. Before I could even see it, something filled my vision. The image instantly shattered and vanished from my sights. Was that the ground? Was I falling?

Unease.

I was tired of these images, and tried to look away from them. But now they were everywhere. They were continuing to fall around me. I tried to close my eyes and turn away from everything, but another image fell right before my face. A ground level image of a shiny silver kitchen tool stained with something. And more of it on the ground. A hand lay next to it, slightly twitching. Everything on ground level. Is this my hand? There was a splash of this liquid-looking substance that painted my hand with more, as the image faded away to black, much slower than the rest...

UNEASE.

What is this? What is this staining everything? Does this have a colour? Was that a knife? Was that MYSELF?

WAS THAT SUICIDE?

WAS THAT MY LIFE?

WAS THAT BLOOD?

WAS THAT MY BLOOD?

WAS THAT DEATH?

FEAR.

Everything around me flashed in a colour that I could not percept and vanished abruptly, leaving nothing but darkness again. Everything around was silent, except me. My eyes were wide open, with a familiar yet distant sense that caused my eyes discomfort. I couldn't get out of this darkness. I couldn't even move. I somehow remembered where these images come from. Somewhere between my teens and adulthood. This sense of fear thrashed around in my thoughts with an intent to split my heart into pieces, but it held together and left behind a distant yet familiar sense.

Eventually the fear died down, as if it ran out of things to thrash in my heart. It left this strange sense all over my heart, which begin to manifest into something that resembled the stars of Orion again... It was faint, but there was a voice within...

ESCAPE.

......

Suddenly I was back in my room again. It was still dark and illuminated by that same old darn computer. I had control in my actions, and reached for my phone to look at the time. Only a few minutes passed. But my head was spinning, as if I went through the entire week that culminated with that tiring test for my commander candidate course...

Suddenly that thought rattled my head and time seemed to stop again.

Why was this thought brought up? Are my thoughts now following this weird path too? Am I lacking something from there? Why does my thought keep coming back to these memories?

I was in the darkness again, but I couldn't move. Fear was all around me again. It manifested as a fog with a colour that distinguished it from the black. I couldn't interpret what colour it was, but I definitely remembered the intense sensation it brought. I didn't have time to think, and more questions overwhelmed me.

What made me disregard myself to push the extremes of my physical limits? What made me wipe my page before enlisting? What made me overcome immature bullies? What made me defy my own body in the gruesome exercises? What drove me to step up above others? What made me protect my teammate even when there was clearly a trick? What made me threw an item that could create pain and suffering in a boom? What made me hold this black gadget that launched small metal bits with loud bangs? What made me stand in front of my comrades like an arrogant idiot? What made me commandeer this large car-like machine that could cause troubles with the smallest mistakes?

The fog around me solidified and condensed, while creeping closer. The questions became louder and clearer. I couldn't move, and faced it all.

What made me stand in front of others? What made me step into new and strange places? What made me defy my rejection of needles? What made me defy my pain screaming from the body? What made me...? What made...? What...?

What made me disregard my safety for others?

What made me ignore my pain?

What made me throw away my pride and dignity?

What made me overcome my past mistakes?

What made me overcome BLOOD?

What made me overcome my FEARS?

What made me overcome SUICIDE?

What made me overcome DEATH?

What made me overcome MYSELF???

A flash of light like a star sparkled in the darkness, bringing the same feeling that gave my eyes discomfort. It was brighter again, like the brightest star in the night sky, Sirius. Its dim light illuminated everything around, but the darkness itself. The fog stopped advancing and concentrated into a single item that appeared like a floating bubble, directly facing the light behind me.

I looked at the bubble of floating liquid in front of me, and a voice from earlier resonated from behind...

ESCAPE.

A pushing force returned my control of movement, guiding me to the bubble in front. I set my hands to reach out and grab it. It was light and soft to touch, no longer with the floating sensation of menace. It now gave me warmth, instead of unease. There was a faint inscription on it too.

COURAGE.

The end of:

"BLEU" PART 2