FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Chapter 11

Not much had changed in his life in reality, but he still felt like he had nothing real left in it. It all caused an intense feeling of deja vu, like he'd felt these feelings before, like he'd already thought these thoughts. He used Francis to walk him through the empty rooms when his grandmother had died, but, now, he didn't have any of that. Jayden didn't even have Paige to guide him through the pity ridden hours, and it wasn't even like she'd do much good, because she couldn't replace that inner warmth that Francis had always made him feel.

But, that's really all life was, right? Finding one thing to get you through another, and, when you had nothing left, you just had to hope that you could get by with your own will or your own wit. Now that Jayden was living by his own will, he often found it telling him all the wrong things. He should hate him, but he loved him. He should be angry, but he forgave him. He should sleep, but all he could do is collapse into his chair and stare around the room.

A thin film of dust covered the glass of his desk except for the void in front of his computer monitor where his head and arms had been resting moments ago. Occasionally, he'd turn his head and see the dried rose from his grandmother's funeral, only to get lost in the memories of the way he used to care. When he'd look the other way, he'd study Francis' clothes that still hid in the deep recesses of his room and remember how much fun they'd once had.

It'd been seven days, a number that he knew quite intimately, because he found himself looking at his phone every fifteen minutes, hoping for a call, or an apology, or a plea to come home. Jayden didn't really care about the past anymore, because the past was what caused him so much pain. He'd be glad to just throw away the history books for another chance to kiss Francis, to apologize for the things he'd said. What if Francis did kill himself? Jayden would never be able to live with himself, or the guilt, or another ghost. Surely Francis wasn't that stupid.

As he looked back to the picture of his grandmother pressed behind the dusty glass of it's frame, he reached out to grab it. Rubbing off the dust with the long sleeve of his shirt, he frowned at the picture, never wanting her image to fade away into a cloud of dust and cobwebs in his memory. He didn't want that for Francis either, because it wasn't his fault, at least, not all of it. But, where should you draw the line and how could you sort the mistakes?

Somewhere within him, it felt almost like Francis had passed on to another life, because no matter how he tried, he just couldn't picture Francis out there without him. With someone else. Every single time the memory played over in his head, he never gleaned anything new and he never gained anything other than tears. He was pathetic, he was worthless, and, for God's sake, he was crying over something he'd lost months ago. He just didn't know what to do, because now that he'd gained his chance, he'd given it up. He was so stupid.

Sliding his chair backwards, his forearms rest on the edge of the glass and he placed his head between his elbows, hoping gravity would help fight his tears. He wasn't even sure he had any tears left, because, honestly, he'd never cried more in his life. It like he was losing his grandmother all over again, because he'd never been able to cope with the memories that had been buried under the mountain of his false hopes for Francis.

Walking without the dead was easier than walking without the living, because the living are always there, just beyond your grasp and you can still see them, but no matter how much you press your face against the glass, you can't reach out to touch them. Hope is what brought about all of Jayden's nostalgia and yearning is what drew all his memories to the surface, but he could never have his grandmother back. But, maybe, if he worked a little harder, Francis would love him again. How would he ever know if he was the one who didn't put enough into it? Maybe he expected too much from Francis.

The only way to move on was to forget, and there were too many good times to just live his life like they never even happened. He couldn't spend his life looking back and be content with the chapters missing. Dragging his arms along roughly, Jayden's knuckles came in contact with the glass' beveled edge and he pushed his chair out even further, until he had no choice but to stand. Walking to the corner of his room, he picked up Francis' shirt, studying the designs on the front before tossing it on the bed. There were two pairs of pants under his bed, another shirt beside his bookcase and several pairs of boxers on the floor of his closet.

The pile of dirty clothes got lost amongst the folds of his unkempt comforter, that seemed to do everything but. Running his hand through the unruly hairs in front of his eyes, he looked into his packed closet and began to look through, one by one, pulling out Francis' belongings at random.

What was the point of even ending it with Francis, because he felt just as bad now as he did when he was being used, and abused, and ignored. The only difference was that, before, Jayden could lie to himself and pretend that there was still hope. All Jayden had left now was a fridge full of food he couldn't bring himself to eat and too much space in the room that he used to share. He thought he was lonely then, but sitting alone on the couch, watching some stupid show while eating crappy store brand took everything to a whole new level.

His closet was bare, save for the few pairs of winter clothes Jayden owned. Jayden's illusion of a happy relationship lay deconstructed on the bed, the sweatshirt Francis had been wearing when they first started talking lying on the very top. The bear had always been different somehow, and how he managed to wear a sweatshirt regardless of the temperature outside always amazed him. He was the only one who would wear long sleeve shirts in the hot sun and short sleeve shirts in the blistering cold.

Jayden remembered the time that they walked to the supermarket a few weeks before he first met Becca. The roads were empty and glistening with the faint shimmer of the ice; it was the coldest day of the year since the winter before, reminding them that autumn was on it's way. Jayden was wearing his black pullover sweatshirt, but Francis had just been wearing his orange t-shirt, a shirt that had always been Jayden's favorite. There was just something about the way the pale orange accented his brown fur that made Jayden's heart flutter.

The sky was pitch black under the veil of night and clouds crowded the sky, covering them with the uncertainty of the returning storm. Francis had wanted iced cream, caramel iced cream of all things, despite the blood chilling temperatures. Still freezing underneath the knit fabric, Francis dragged Jayden across the wide main road to the darkened thrift store, and, illuminated in the warm amber glow of the single working light, they sat on one of the faded couches that was pressed against the glass store front.

Back then, it felt like Francis' arm around him could change the seasons, and somehow make the cold bearable. Jayden sat there with his head on the bear's chest, looking down the orange fabric as it stretched across his stomach. He didn't know what had possessed him to do it, maybe it was because he felt so close to him, or maybe so alone with him, but as his fingers walked up Francis' thigh towards the zipper of his jeans, the bear just returned his mischievous grin.

Francis had changed him, and it was for the better, he hoped. Jayden was no longer afraid of people, or afraid to defend himself, or his views. He knew that, even if he was wrong, he was still entitled to making his own mistakes. And, he guessed, that Francis was entitled to that as well. Maybe now that Francis had made his mistake, he would learn that Jayden had been meant for him all this time. Maybe he'd acknowledge the truth he'd been ignoring.

The bear still loved him, Jayden could see it in his eyes when he'd said all those horrible things. What if Francis had been telling the truth the whole time, because, at this point, everything was just hearsay. Perhaps, Becca was just a crazy ex, trying to get him back, because they had dated about six times. Maybe, Audrey had just gotten the wrong idea about her relationship with Francis.

How could Francis possibly have fallen from being so loving to being so uncaring? There had to be something Jayden was missing, and what if Jayden was the problem? What if he was being too hard on Francis, especially given the situation?

Blinking a few times to clear his head, Jayden wiped the tears from his face with the sleeve of his shirt and coughed weakly to clear his throat as he looked around. Sitting in the small space between his bed and the closet door, he wondered when he had gotten here. Not caring how unsanitary it was, he wiped his snout with the back of his hand as he used the other to pull himself up, his eyes glancing over Francis' clothes. He was so sleep deprived, but it hurt to even think about sleeping.

Bending over to grab whatever was left, he tossed it on the bed with disgust and swiped up his phone from desk. It really didn't shock him that he had no messages, but it still bothered him, because, even though it was a week later, the reality had yet to set in. He wanted to feel happy, he wanted to feel sad, and he wanted to feel angry, because at least that way he could tell himself that he was starting to move on. But, as he stared at Francis' name under the contacts on his phone, he felt nothing. When his grandmother had died, there was the shock, depression, and bargaining, but he'd finally come to accept it. All he felt now was sadness and an empty regret.

He didn't know what possessed him to do it, but as he hit Paige's name on phone, he held it to his ear, feeling his heart beating nervously. Jayden was being petty, and childish, but he needed someone to be mad at. Someone that allowed him to pay attention to something other than the empty dishes, and the empty closet, and the empty room.

"Hello?" Paige asked, her voice quavering as Jayden heard her lips tremble and her teeth chatter.

"Hi," Jayden said shortly, he was trying to be angry but it wasn't really working too well for him. The way she acted so innocent should have insulted him, and it should have boiled his blood, and it should have pressed all his buttons, but he just shook his head. He was being stupid, because the only thing she was guilty of was not wanting him to get hurt.

"I didn't expect to be hearing from you so soon," Paige continued softly, her attempts to stop her teeth from chattering seemingly pointless. Jayden honestly had no idea how cold it was, because he hadn't left the house since he'd almost frozen his tail off a week ago.

"I - I didn't expect to be calling so soon, either," Jayden mumbled, sitting on the edge of his bed, the mound of clothing pressing up against his back as it threatened to all tumble back onto the floor. He let out a loud sigh as his claws scratched between his eyes gruffly.

"Did you call to yell at me and tell me I was all wrong about him? And, are you going to hang up again?" Paige asked as Jayden heard a soft chatter envelop her. The voices were drowned out beneath the cover of mellow music and Jayden perked his eyebrow as he heard a bell chime on the line.

"I did," Jayden admitted, leaning backwards onto the pile in an attempt to flatten it out and avoid another mess, "but I kind of lost heart, so, no, I'm not going to hang up on you."

"Good," Paige groaned loudly, ignoring the fact that she was now in a building full of people, "because I feel like such a ditz when I talk to my phone and no one replies. So, how are you holding up?"

"Meh," Jayden intoned simply, covering his eyes with the crook of his arm. He heard Paige mumble something on the other end of the phone and he perked his ears again, but couldn't make out what she had said, "I don't have to worry about Francis anymore, so, I suppose it really depends on how you look at it."

"I heard," Paige mumbled distractedly and, suddenly, everything became muffled, as if she was holding her hand over the receiver, "What kind of coffee do you want?"

"What?" Jayden asked, pulling himself upwards, so he could rub his forehead and try to understand exactly how Paige knew about him and Francis.

"I'm not sure which statement that was directed towards, but do you remember that LAN party we were supposed to go to?" Paige asked and Jayden groaned, forcefully smacking his palm into muzzle repeatedly. He'd been planning to go to it with Paige for months now, but he'd forgotten. How the hell had he just let it slip through the cracks? Had he really sunk so low that Francis was everything in his life?

"I do now."

"Turn out wasn't as good as I'd hoped, but, I digress. I went with the boyfriend, who is surprisingly good at shooters now, but, again, I digress. He invited some friends, and do you know that girl I told you about, the one that works at the game store downtown, the crazy one? Well, she was complaining about this guy named Francis. Something about some crazy dude yelling, or something. Figured it was you and I was on the way to get you a coffee, so I could come over. Do you want the usual?"

"I guess us gamers get around," Jayden grumbled, grunting as he tried to pull himself up from the bed. Paige wanted to come over, but he didn't want to clean the house, but he really didn't want to be alone anymore. Pulling the remainder of his clothes from the closet, he threw them over his shoulder, "and, yea, the usual is fine, I guess. Do you think I could go over your house instead?"

"Are you going to bring your computer?" Paige asked as he heard the door chime to signal her exit. He heard a sharp intake of breath as the cold hit her fur and a shutter as the cold flooded her lungs.

"No, I think I'm just - I really don't have the energy or focus to kill things today," Jayden mumbled as he closed his bedroom door and collapsed into a dining chair, tossing his clothes on the table without care. He was elated, and he was lost, but he was still alone. Paige and him had been close as long as they'd known each other, and promised to be there for each other whenever it felt like things were going from bad to worse.

Paige always spoke her mind and said the things that Jayden was afraid to think, while Jayden always listened to his heart and thought the things that Paige didn't believe possible. They complimented each other in ways beyond common comprehension, and Jayden missed not caring about his life. He missed killing zombies without the ultimate outcome ending up in a bed. He missed talking about everything, but still feeling like none of it mattered.

"That's understandable, I'm pretty sure you feel like you got hit by a truck. Let's just have some fun tonight, and, who knows, I might even have a surprise for you."

"A surprise? What kind of surprise?" Jayden asked, treading across the kitchen floor to grab a grocery bag to put his clothes in. It surprised him that, of all the times he'd stayed at Paige's, he didn't have any clothes there. Francis had over half of his wardrobe at Jayden's and it was now resting in a heap.

"If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise. I might not even give it to you, because I don't even know if you'd like it."

"You can't just tell me you got me something and then not give it to me," Jayden said as he pulled his keys from his pocket, grabbing his clothes on the way out the door. Stuffing everything into the bag messily, he knew that the short amount of distance between him and Paige, coupled with her insane driving, meant that she'd be any minute.

"Just watch me. But, I'll be there in a few minutes. Meet you downstairs."

~

"So, about that surprise," Paige said in an undertone as she began to put away her thousands of trading cards, under the watchful eye of Jayden. She sounded uncertain, or even a little bit nervous, almost like she was completely doubting Jayden's reaction to it.

During the car ride here, Paige had asked if he'd been following the releases of the Magic expansions at all, and he made the dire mistake of saying no. What had started out as a friendly discussion about what was new had quickly turned into an arduous debate about semantics.

"What about it?" Jayden asked, folding his fingers as Paige ran her hand along the cardboard top of her unnecessarily large card box. As she picked it up to return it to the closet along with all her other cards, Jayden followed her as she hit her thumb against the white cardboard box, her shadow shaking from nerves. Jayden perked an eyebrow as the closet opened, "Are you going to tell me what it is?"

"What would you say if I said that, maybe, I had someone I wanted you to meet?" Paige asked, closing the closet door with a muffled squeak as she turned to look at Jayden's blank expression. Her hand was still perched cautiously on the door, allowing her the chance to yank it open and hide in the closet, should Jayden decide to try and hit her.

Jayden looked out the windows that lined the living room walls, watching the sun set along the cityscape like a watercolor painting. Looking back to Paige, he saw that she had dropped her hand from the doorknob, like she was certain that she wasn't going to be punched or smacked.

"Do you mean like... a friend?" Jayden asked, hoping she wasn't trying to play matchmaker for him, so soon after he got out of a relationship. He wasn't ready to move on from Francis yet, because deep down inside of him, somewhere, that stupid little voice told him that he still had a chance.

"Well, yes, at first, but maybe -"

"Maybe what?" Jayden asked gruffly after her voice trailed off, "Maybe we can fall in love and he can whisk me away from this hell I've been living in?"

"No," Paige said with a slight frown as she walked passed him into the kitchen to take two sodas out of the refrigerator, handing one to Jayden. Sighing quietly, he felt his lips fall and his eyes drop to the can in his hand; God, he wished he had something stronger, to take the edge off. He was sick of everything upsetting him, "I just - I just hate seeing you like this. I just want to try to help you let go of something that you've been holding on to for too long."

"So, that's your solution to make me feel better? Try to get me to sleep with someone else?"

Paige rolled her eyes and grabbed Jayden's still outstretched arm, pulling him into the living room. Pushing him backwards onto the couch, Jayden grunted as the cushions tried to throw him back onto the floor. The small fox stood before him, looking cross as her eyes dug into his and her foot tapped rhythmically on the shag area rug.

"You need to stop this, Jayden. You need to stop making everyone else out to be the bad guy. Yes, your situation is unfortunate and it feels like you're trapped in it, but that's why I dragged you here. As your friend, I can't sit idly by and watch you descend into oblivion, and, now, it's my job to pull you back out. I want you to meet someone else, just to show you that there are other people out there. Better people," Paige harangued, her gaze morphing to kindness as she saw Jayden fall further down in the couch as the words washed over him.

She was right, even though he knew admitting it shattered everything he thought about himself. Ever since he'd met Francis, he'd assumed that everyone was either with him or against him, until all he had left was Francis. And, when he'd left, he'd had no one, only because he was too blind to see the difference between love and indifference.

"Jayden, I'm not trying to run your life, I'm not trying to change what you believe, and I'm not trying to say that you and Francis don't love each other, but please, just believe me when I say that I care about you like a brother. I can see that you're lost in the woods right now, and I'm just trying to help you through so you can figure out what it is you're doing wrong."

"I know, and I'm sorry," Jayden mumbled, resting the soda on the side table so he could rest his face in his palms, "I'm afraid that I'll have no one to run to, but I'm also afraid to run to anyone other than Francis. It's like I'm so used to living with the pain that it's the only thing I can comprehend."

"I can see that you know how bad Francis is for you, I just can't see why you insist on throwing away the bad so it doesn't block your view of what little good is left."

"Everything is just hearsay, though," Jayden groaned and Paige just rolled her eyes as she shook her head, but she couldn't break his certainty. He'd been lying to himself for this long, so it'd take more than a little theatrics to make his thoughts crumble, "Really, it is. How do I know Becca isn't just some lying, crazy ex? How do I know that Audrey didn't just get the wrong idea about her relationship with Francis?"

"Excuse my bluntness, but do you even listen to yourself, Jayden?" Paige asked loudly, pulling on his forearm once again, dragging him into the kitchen. Depositing him in front of the refrigerator, she got onto her knees and started to dig through the hutch on the opposite side of the kitchen. With her voice muffled, Jayden could only cross his arms as he tried to understand her, "I mean, Jayden, she kissed him. What are the odds that you show up just in time for their first accidental kiss? Don't you think that it's more likely that the truth is the simplest explanation, like Occam's razor? I think what you said is too coincidental for it all be relevant."

Paige placed two bottles beside her as she tried to dig her head out of the bottom cabinet. Stuck between the kitchen table and her secret stash of alcohol, which was rather extensive for someone who claimed to hate partying, she shook her head vigorously, blowing the remaining strands of hair from her eyes as she stood and wobbled on the spot.

"You're probably right," Jayden said as he leaned over the sink to her right, watching her place the vodka and Kahlúa beside her on the counter. She stood up at full height and stretched, attempting to reach two glasses from the top shelf of the cupboard.

"I know you love him and everything, but you're too high strung to even realize what he puts you through, I mean, for God's sake, he spent all of your money. You just need to take a step back, and this is how I usually do it. So, shut your trap and grab me the milk and ice cubes."

"I never really pictured you as much of a drinker," Jayden stated as he walked back over to the refrigerator, feeling the blast of cold air as he retrieved the ice cube tray, "nor did I think you'd have any knowledge of mixed drinks."

"My mother's a bartender, what can I say. I've looked at it like a chemistry experiment ever since I saw her make drinks at home."

Handing her the milk and the tray, he leaned back onto the counter, watching her eye the amounts of liquid she was pouring on top of the ice cubes. Jayden hadn't drank anything in months, not since his grandmother had died, and that phase of his life was something that had pushed him slightly further from a lightweight, but he wasn't really sure how far, so this would probably be an interesting night. As pathetic as it sounded, he'd never really drank with someone before, but since his mother never noticed the vanishing bottles, he was never forced to seek someone else to go to.

"So, you don't think I should just sleep with him?" Jayden said with a smirk as he unfolded his arms, accepting the glass. Taking a small sip, he smiled to himself over the sweet taste; he knew he should feel bad about skipping dinner and going right to dessert, but this is what he needed right now. To not feel bad about himself, for at least a few seconds.

"God, no. I was going to tell you not to sleep with him, at least for a while. Just try to get to know him first. He's good friends with my brother, so he can't be that bad of a person. Besides, I think you'll like him, from what I know of him, you two have a lot in common."

"It's just - do you really think I'm ready for a relationship already?" Jayden mumbled, taking a long sip from the glass, feeling the cold cubes press against his snout uncomfortably. This didn't leave the horrible aftertaste that he'd grown accustomed to from all the times he'd drank directly from the bottle.

"For now, don't think of it as going into a relationship, just think of it as meeting a friend. Alright, scratch what I just said, I know you well enough to know that you'll be obsessing over him as a potential boyfriend by now. Just think of it like this, if you ever want to move on, you'll have to get right back on the horse. Just please, please, please don't sleep with him, that'll just complicate everything."

"When my grandmother died, sex was pretty much all I could think of," Jayden mused aloud, swirling around the frozen rocks as he watched the tile floor distort through the bottom of the glass, "Can I have another, ma'am?"

"Don't ever call me ma'am again," Paige grunted, pointing her sharp nail in his direction but Jayden only grimaced, unable to pull his eyes away from the drink in her hand, "and this is a drink for sipping, you know."

"Downing it is so much more fun, though."

"You say that, until you wake up tomorrow, naked in my bathtub with a splitting headache," Paige mumbled, handing him the drink in her hand, which she had yet to touch, "that has already happened one too many times in my life, so I hope to avoid it happening again. You won't keep a buzz long if you keep drinking like that."

"I don't want a buzz, I want the room to spin. I haven't drank in months and I think this is a notable occasion! No more Francis!" Jayden called with a wide smile before taking a drink. He wasn't even buzzed yet, but he didn't want to ruin a good mood by remembering how heartbroken he truly felt. There was a long pause as he looked towards the closed hutch doors; everything seemed a lot less relevant by the time he reached the bottom of a glass, "You know what? I'll give you everything left in my bank account if you give me all the booze you have left."

"Everything you have left?" Paige asked as she rinsed out Jayden's glass in the sink before grabbed the soda he'd placed on the table. With a subtle fizz, it fell into the glass and Jayden watched her contently above the crystalline rim. He was beginning to feel the lightness hit him and it felt just as amazing as he remembered it.

"Well, it's only like three dollars and four cents, but I swear I'll pay you back sometime. I can let you beat me in every game for a month or something, I mean, not that it'd be hard, I'm so out of practice since -"

"It's fine, Jayden," Paige laughed, trying to wave him down with her free hand as she poured more vodka into the slightly green soda, "as long as you don't start stripping on my kitchen table, or leave stains on my couch, we're even."

"Aha!" Jayden exclaimed, pointing his finger at Paige as the glass clinked in his hand, "you do think I'm just going to sleep with him!"

Paige shook her head at him, slowly lowering her gaze so it could skate along the coarse tile. She disappeared from the kitchen, leaving the bottles on the counter, instead carrying two glasses with her into the bright living room. Jayden placed his empty glass on the counter and sat beside her on the couch, accepting another glass from her happily.

"That's not what I meant by stains, and, anyway, I don't know what you're going to do and it's not my place to decide," Paige said, lifting her glass to her mouth as Jayden played with his lower lip attentively. Biting down on one of his claws lightly, he looked at her phone on the side table. He was better than that, he wouldn't just have a one night stand. He'd love him... and stuff, "I just know that when you sleep with guys, it always almost instantly goes down hill. Try not to move as fast."

"Do you think he'd like me?" Jayden asked as he nibbled at his nail nervously. Now keenly aware of his heart beating in his chest and the blood flowing though his ears, he raised the drink to his lips, keeping his eyes plastered to the bottom of the glass. Running his tongue along the roof of his mouth, and dared himself to look at Paige, only to see her smiling slyly.

"Perhaps, I don't know him well enough to be sure, but you're a likable guy."

"I guess," Jayden mumbled over a weak frown, eyeing the carpet as if the flattened white strands suddenly intrigued him, "but what about Francis?"

"What about him?" Paige asked as Jayden heard her place her glass on a side table, still sounding completely full as the ice struck a note against the hard glass. His own glass was light in his hand, making him frown deeply to himself as he placed it on the coffee table, watching the condensation drip in the summery heat.

"Well, I miss him. Don't you think he'll miss me? What happens if he decides to like me and I'm with someone else?"

"It wouldn't matter, because you'd be happy with someone else," Paige said, but the wolf just continued to eye his empty glass. Even with an empty mind, he was still plagued by these thoughts, but, at least, they didn't hurt like they usually did. It was a fleeting thought, or a passing moment, instead of burning, itching pain. He could feel every thought leisurely floating through his head, for once leaving it to his own discretion which ones he wanted to pick at, "What do you think Francis is doing right now, Jayden?"

"I don't know, I haven't heard from him in a week," Jayden mumbled as he scrunched up his snout in an attempt to look at his nose. He saw two hands extend into his vision, and blinking blearily, the two hands merged into one and Jayden smiled excitedly as he came to see what was dangling in his face, "He's probably all kissin' on her and shit."

"Exactly," Paige agreed as Jayden peacefully leaned back onto the soft leather couch, his hand dangling over the armrest. Feeling the alcohol tug down on his eyelids and pull him further into the couch, he stared at the floor contemplatively, watching the light refract as it passed through the glass, creating a small rainbow. After a moment, his own words began to seep into his brain as he realized that Francis was probably sitting at home, completely unaffected by the night that had broken Jayden. Looking up at Paige, he felt his lips drawn into a smile, "He doesn't care about you anymore, so I don't see why you should care."

"Paige, you're right!" Jayden exclaimed as he flung himself from the couch, feeling something cold splash on his hand. Feeling his head wobble airily, he gulped down the rest of his drink before slamming the empty glass on the side table, sending one of the ice cubes skidding across the glass. He saw Paige cringe at the loud noise, but he ignored it as he sighed loudly, "Francis doesn't give a shit about me, so I'm going to move on. I'm going to go meet this guy!"

"Jayden!" Paige called as he stomped down the few stairs towards the front door, "You don't even know his name, how are you going to know where he lives?"

Standing on the cold stairs to the split level house, he looked over the frosted garden and the cement steps as they glistened in the street lights. The wind blew a chill up his arms and neck, passing quietly through his skull as Paige appeared behind, looking frazzled but excited, nonetheless, knowing Jayden hadn't run into the middle of the main road. He heard the lock click as he neared the empty street and instinctively took a left, but something tugged at his arm, dragging him to the right, instead.

"I knew it was this way, I was just making sure you did," Jayden said through his grin as he rest his arm on Paige's neck, only to have the favor returned in the form of a sweatshirt hitting him in the face. "Oh, I knew I was forgetting something."

"I also put your brain in the freezer, so hopefully some lucky surgeon can reattach it. It's ten at night, Jayden, and I live on a main road. There are cops everywhere."

"You worry much too much," Jayden grumbled as stuffed his arms into his sweatshirt, huffing loudly as he zipped it up and wrenched the hood onto his head. The bill of his hat blocked the artificial light as it flooded down from the sky and he placed his hands in the pockets, watching Paige as she rambled on the phone.

"I worry too much?" Paige asked, closing her phone and replacing it into her pocket. With the sounds of cars passing them, Jayden smiled to himself as he closed his eyes and got lost in the noise of the cars drifting through his pleasantly empty head. He could feel himself wobbling slightly, but none of it mattered as he hummed to himself. Several times Paige seized his arm and pulled him further onto the pavement or around a corner, but it didn't kill his high.

"What's he like?" Jayden asked giddily, bobbing his head side to side, in sync with the hiss of the tires on the nearby road, "Is he dreamy?"

"I don't know about dreamy, but I am pretty amazing," said a voice that Jayden hadn't heard before, making Jayden stumble off the sidewalk. Yelping, he opened his eyes as a firm grip around his upper arm held him steady. As his ears pounded loudly, he looked wide eyed at whoever was still holding him steady.

"Hi, you're -" Jayden mumbled, trying his hardest to focus his tired eyes on the mocha fur of the bear. Looking at the familiar tawny splashes the surrounded his muzzle, he felt a chill run down his spine as he looked up into his clear blue eyes, feeling like he was staring straight at a painful memory. The recognition cut through the fog in his head like the sharpest blade, making Jayden's jaw drop, completely awestruck.

"Alan," he said with a flash of his white teeth, finally letting the wolf's arm free from his grasp. Stumbling clumsily again, Alan's ears pressed back against the black baseball cap he wore backwards to tame the mass of fur above his eyes. Jayden squinted his eyes, looking over to Paige, only to be greeted with a puzzled expression; surely he wasn't the only one to see the resemblance. Other than the quiet and calming voice, he reminded him perfectly of Francis, "I don't think we've met."

Wobbling on the spot slightly, he could feel the world spinning around him, unsure of why Paige was glaring at him resentfully. Sure, he was a bit larger than Francis, and maybe a little taller, and his clothes were baggier and more tattered, but everything else was the same. Especially his eyes, and he couldn't find a reason to tear himself away from them.

"This is Jayden," Paige said, looking between the wolf and the bear as she introduced them through the long standing silence. Alan studied Jayden's eyes himself and a smile cracked across his lips, pulling them both to reality. Shaking his head weakly, inadvertently bringing himself closer to Paige and Alan, "You'll have to forgive him, he's... not himself right now."

"I'd be lying if I said I was completely sober myself," Alan replied, the side of his mouth closest to Jayden raising into a smirk as he turned his gaze to him, "now, should we go back to your house? It's pretty cold out and it wouldn't be too good if Jayden got run over by a car so soon after meeting me."

Alan walked ahead of them, his hands buried in his large denim pockets, the hood of his dark gray sweatshirt bobbing along with his slow stride. Jayden looked over to Paige who was looking at him, waving her hands frenetically, trying to mouth something.

"Say something," she whispered urgently, but Jayden was too lost in the uncomfortable palpitations that were overtaking his chest. He could feel the alcohol's effects dwindling away as he tried his hardest to focus on what the hell was going on. Paige hadn't seen Francis as much as he had, but how could she not see it?

It was just the alcohol that was making him think like this. He was trying to hard to force his thoughts from his mind so they were flooding back in. That was all it was.

"H - hi, I'm Jayden," he said, both him and Paige walking faster to catch up to Alan. Walking as straight as he could, he fell in step with the bear and looked over to him, catching a glimpse of Paige just past him. He could see a look hidden in her eyes, telling him to stop being such an idiot, but he couldn't help it; the alcohol was wearing off, but he was just as dumbfounded.

"I'm still Alan," he said, the edges of his muzzle blurring as Jayden's gaze broke away, to instead watch the pavement, following the cracks in the sidewalk as they slowly made their way back to Paige's, "and I'm still pretty awesome. You should probably agree, since I saved you from falling into the street."

"But, there weren't even any cars coming," Jayden said, sidestepping the telephone pole as he looked back up at Alan, finding himself unable to fight off a feeling of instant attraction. He just didn't know if it was the feeling of nostalgia or the hopes of a new beginning that appealed to him. The answer was pretty clear, seeing as they'd only ever said a handful of words to each other, but Jayden didn't want to accept that he was still stuck in his hell of a past.

"It's not the cars you have to worry about," Alan said matter-of-factly, "it's the sewage grates that are a real problem. I once had a friend that stepped on one, he fell through and we never saw him again."

Jayden perked his eyebrow as he chuckled quietly to himself; at least Alan seemed... interesting enough. The sidewalk disappeared, depositing them onto the frosted grass, cramming them closer together as they fought the sharp incline of a hill to their left. He swore he felt Alan's hand against his, but he knew he probably didn't, and even if he did, it was only a mistake. They'd just met.

"Does that happen often?" Jayden asked, putting his hands in pockets of his pants, trying to extinguish the phantom feelings that were plaguing him. Was he really so alone that he hoped himself to be in the arms of a stranger? But, he did look just Francis, and now he couldn't even say the alcohol was completely to blame. Sure, his thoughts still swam in confusing circles, but he was lucid enough to recognize those eyes.

"No clue, but I wouldn't want to take a chance. We should be safe, though, since I'm wearing my lucky underwear. Wanna see?" Alan said with an undecipherable smirk, making Jayden unsure whether he'd actually show him or not. His eyes traveled up his side, lingering a little longer than necessary on his waist, before meeting his eyes. He was curious what he looked like under all that baggy clothing.

"You have lucky underwear?" Jayden asked, blinking to wipe away his dirty thoughts. Take it slow, just take it slow. If he didn't, it'd end up just like it did Francis and he couldn't live through another chapter knowing it'd just end in pain.

"No, just having fun messing with you," Alan chirped, winking at Jayden when their eyes locked momentarily, "you can still see them if you want, though."

"I - er," Jayden mumbled, averting his eyes nervously as he gulped, looking at the ground for a few seconds until he gained the nerve to hazard a look past Alan at Paige. She was biting her lip, trying to withhold a laugh as the big bear just smiled at the side of Jayden's face.

"I like boys, if you haven't caught on yet," Alan continued, unperturbed by the fact that he was spreading such sensitive information as if he was commenting on the weather. They walked up the steps and waited at the front door as Paige fumbled with the keys.

"Me, too," Jayden stated, rubbing his neck as he stood in the spotlight as it flickered on outside her door. The door opened with a creak and Paige let Alan go in first so she could silently mime to Jayden that she'd stay quiet and let him do all the talking.

"Yea, I've slept with a lot more guys than I have with girls, recently," Alan stated as they all began to thaw in the middle of the living room, his eyes skating over all of Paige's game consoles and her computer. His eyes were either lingering on Jayden, or the tower of DVD cases to his left, but Jayden felt his heart drop quickly as the bear's head cocked to the side to read the titles, "So, what kind of games do you play?"

"How do you know I play games?" Jayden asked, sounding a little more hurt than he should have. Paige exited the room to his side, shaking her head at the ground as she disappeared behind the wall that separated the kitchen and living room.

"The general lack of hygiene, the tired look, and the overwhelming smell of Mountain Dew emanating from your mouth."

"That's not -" Jayden started, but was interrupted as a dark brown bottle was placed into his hand. Paige clinked hers against his weakly with a concealed wink as she handed one to Alan.

"I was just kidding," Alan smiled as he looked at the bottle contently, Jayden saw Paige take her second sip of the night as Alan did the same, so he joined in. Alan pointed at Jayden's shirt with his bottle before adding, "You also have a Valve hoodie on."

"Forgot about that," Jayden mumbled, savoring the taste as he stood idly beside them both, forgetting the names to all the games he'd ever played. Alan waved his hand in front of Jayden's face, making his eyes go wide before his mind settled back on the matter at hand. Shifting his eyes from where they'd settled on the bear's stomach, he turned to the game cases that were stacked behind him, "I pretty much play these."

"Oh, you're one of those gamers?" Alan asked with a feigned condescension, rolling his eyes as Jayden followed Paige, watching her sit in her computer chair and drag it along with her towards the couch.

"Is there something wrong with that?" Jayden asked the air as he turned away from Alan to occupy the same seat he'd been in before. The bear studied the empty glass with an approving look before he sat himself on the center cushion, close beside Jayden, not noticing as the side of his neck gave a nervous twitch.

"God, of course not," Alan exclaimed as he leaned back comfortably, propping his arm on the top of the couch furthest from Jayden. His sweatshirt lifted slightly, revealing a patch of his brown fur along with the smallest sliver of gold silk that poked out above the waistband of his jeans, "I've never met someone who loves games as much as I do. And, do you think these would work well as my lucky underwear?"

"I play a lot of games, mostly roleplaying games and first person shooters, although, to be honest, I don't play as often as I used to," Jayden said blithely as he ignored Alan's last comment, breaking his eyes away from the lucky underwear to look at Paige, who was having a hard time deciding whether this was funny or not. She didn't want Jayden to sleep with him, but she'd given him one hell of a flirtatious guy.

Alan seemed to know that he was making Jayden's insides squirm uncomfortably, because he lifted his arms above his head to show even more of his stomach. He passed it off as a yawn and a stretch, probably hoping Paige wouldn't catch on to what he was trying to do, but he really wasn't fooling anyone.

"What could possibly be more important than gaming?" Alan declared forcefully as he ended the yawn dramatically with a shake of his head, drawing another shy grin from Jayden's lips.

"I know what you mean," Jayden said after taking another drink from the bottle, "I've argued with Paige a lot about it. She insists that there are more important things like college, but, I say, what can you learn from a book that you can't learn from blowing up a zombie's head?"

"Amen to that. It teaches you anatomy and how to survive in the event of a zombie apocalypse while RPGs teach you everything from English to sex ed."

"Plus, sometimes it's just fun to feel like a bad ass," Jayden smirked, moving his hand to his thigh so he could rub his palm along the fabric nervously. Alan's hand rest to his side, a few inches from Jayden and it made his heart race furiously, but he tried to push it away from his mind as he smiled, only so he could match Alan's.

"I don't know, you seem pretty bad ass as it is, even if I did just meet you," Alan said and Jayden let a neurotic smile slip as he rubbed his arm awkwardly. The bear nudged his shoulder playfully with his fist and Jayden met his gaze just in time to catch Paige stand out of the corner of his eye, "but, then again, anyone who likes good games is pretty bad ass in my mind."

"Hey," Paige said as she grabbed Jayden's empty glass from the side table, "you two don't mind if I go to bed a little early, do you? It's been a long day and I'm exhausted."

"I don't mind," Alan said with a shrug, before stretching to put his arm around Jayden's shoulder so he could pull him in, "I have my new buddy to keep me company."

"Alright," Paige laughed as Alan pulled Jayden's head closer to his chest, roughly dragging his knuckles through his headfur. Jayden knew he should probably pull away and tell Alan that they were moving through this friendship a little too quickly, but he couldn't deny the fact that he liked the feeling of his head on Alan's soft chest, "just don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"That doesn't leave much we can't do," Jayden choked as he pulled at Alan's arm around his neck, grunting under the force of the bear's hand on his head. He was a lot stronger than his general physique would suggest.

"Besides, I'd only do that if he wanted to," Alan said in between his short bursts of laughter. He finally relented his grip and Jayden backed away into his corner of the couch, pretending to cower in fear as he extended his finger to poke Alan's side. Jayden probably should have been a little taken aback by the bear's comment, but his head was content to play around with the idea of being naked, cuddling up to someone else under his covers.

"I meant more along the lines of drawing on my face while I'm sleeping, but that works, too," Paige corrected as she walked down the hall towards her bedroom, but Jayden didn't pay much attention to anything other than Alan's laughter as he continued to poke his side, "but the laundry room has a lock on the door, you know, just in case you were looking to do some laundry in peace."

Paige's bedroom door closed with a click, leaving Jayden alone with Alan. He could feel the fear and anxiety flooding through his veins, but it didn't really bother him as much as he thought it would. This brought back long forgotten memories that, way back when, he'd hoped he'd never forget, about a person he'd hoped he'd be with forever. It was a bittersweet happiness that came from remembering a painful past in a brighter way.

Alan fell along the cushions of the couch, his stomach hanging out over his jeans and Jayden smirked deviously at the bear. He remembered the first time he'd done this to Francis; the way he'd only been wearing his boxers with his arms splayed out behind his head. Even though the alcohol no longer blurred his thoughts, and even with the bright light cascading down from the ceiling, he still looked just like Francis, and he didn't care if it was his reality or his imagination that told him so.

The bear pushed his head closer to the far arm of the couch as Jayden pressed both his hands into his chest, watching his eyes with a simper. About to lift his leg to put it next to Alan's hip, Jayden looked around the bear's face frantically, remembering where he was and who he was with. The glint in his eyes just wasn't the same, it'd never be the same.

In an attempt to hide what he'd been thinking, Jayden reached out and grabbed Alan's hat, holding him down as he waved the hat just beyond his reach. The fur on top of the bear's head fell forwards into his eyes as he pushed Jayden backwards, against the arm of the couch. He always used to love play fighting with Francis, especially because Francis was always gentle because he knew how much stronger he was than the wolf.

Jayden tossed Alan's hat to the other side of the room and took off his own hat, biting on his tongue childishly as he reached out his hand to smooth Alan's fur back before placing the cadet cap on the bear's head. He smirked playfully as Jayden leaned back to admire the way his hat looked on top of Alan's head.

"I think it looks really good on you," Jayden said as bear reached up to adjust the hat slightly, running his nail along the underside of the rim to force his hair back up into it. He could feel his legs pressing into Alan's chest as the bear loomed over him, having not moved yet.

"I don't think I've ever worn a hat like this before," Alan said, his hand coming down by Jayden's side so he could balance over the wolf, bringing himself close enough to hear his forced breathing.

"You can have one of mine if you want," Jayden mumbled, "I have hundreds."

"Do you want to come with me outside for a second?" Alan asked after of few awkward seconds of staring. The bear stood and fixed his hoodie as Jayden followed his lead with a shy smile.

He liked Alan for some indescribable reason, even though he'd known him for about two hours, according to the living room clock. Jayden had thought he was moving too quickly when he'd started talking to Francis, but, right now, he already wanted to get Alan into that locked laundry room. By the way the bear was acting, it was obvious they both wanted the same thing, so what was the point of looking at him as anything more than a one night stand and, more importantly, why didn't it bother Jayden in the slightest that he was thinking like this?

The front door opened with a familiar creak as he padded down the stairs, right behind Alan, studying the way his mocha fur curled over the checkered gray back of his hat. When he saw him from this angle, he could only see Francis, but when he looked him in the eyes, he had no idea whose soul he was seeing behind them. Sitting on the step right beside Alan, he could feel his pants getting wet as the frost melted underneath him, but he felt comfortable to just sit here, looking out over the nearly empty road.

Alan pulled out a pack of Marlboro's from his back pocket, packing them before pulling off the cellophane. Neither of them really knew what to say after being so close to each other, despite not knowing anything about each other.

"I hope I'm not coming on too strong," Alan said before lighting his cigarette with a lighter he'd pulled from his side pocket.

"Haven't tried to stop you yet, have I?" Jayden replied with a smirk, watching the pale smoke roll out of Alan's mouth serenely.

"I actually just got out of a serious relationship, and I've been having a hard time getting over it. Turns out that moving on, for me, just involves a lot of flirting," Alan muttered, looking at the end of cigarette as he flicked it, even though no ash clung to the end.

"Same for me, too, I guess," Jayden mumbled in return, reclining back on his hands, cocking his head as Alan looked back at him, being sure to blow the smoke away from the both of them.

"What happened to you?" Alan asked lightly, looking at him in a way that extricated all his anxieties. There was something written on Alan's face that Francis didn't quite have. It looked like he actually saw some genuine emotion, "I mean, you don't have to tell me if you don't want. I'm just curious."

"He had a fiancée, but no matter how much he assured me that he was mine, he wouldn't leave her. Turns out, I wasn't the only one he was keeping on the side."

Having finished sucking down the cigarette, he studied the dying ember as it ground into the pavement. Jayden could feel the cement warming beneath them as the overhead light continued to illuminate them, like they were sitting underneath the spotlight at the opening of a show.

A chill ran down his spine as Alan reclined as well, his pinky brushing Jayden's in the cramped space. The bear's finger curled around his discretely, perhaps so that no one would notice. Jayden closed his eyes and breathed in slowly, unsure of what exactly it was that he felt. Attraction, fear, an overwhelming desire to run away; whatever it was, he felt his chest contract as he began to notice the cold night air rattling through his lungs.

"Guys never seem to be committed enough and girls want you to move in the next day," Alan said to the air, seemingly determined to keep his hand where it lay, despite the nervous fluttering that overtook them both. Jayden could feel the heavy beating of Alan's chest running down his arms and into his fingers as he continued, "I've actually been writing a book, to help me get over it."

"That's a good idea," Jayden mumbled, moving his hand, acting like he was just trying to get more comfortable, but he placed all of his fingers on top of Alan's hand, "I should probably do that myself someday."

"You write?" Alan questioned, his voice softening as he felt Jayden's hand on top of his.

"I've written as long as I can remember. Probably about ten books, not that anyone ever reads them though."

"I know the feeling. You put everything you have into finishing them, then no one even cares that they're looking at your heart on a page. Have you ever tried publishing?"

"No, not yet," Jayden said, barely above a whisper, but he knew Alan could hear him perfectly fine above the hiss of tires or the buzz of the light. When their eyes met, he could see that he actually wanted to hear his answer, "I've never felt happy enough with anything I've written. What about you?"

"Me either," Alan said with a small laugh, "my stories usually always have a depressing ending, and no one wants to read that. That may change, though."

"What do you mean?" Jayden asked as Alan smiled widely, slowly pulling his hand away from him as he sat up, folding his fingers in his lap.

"Well, before I thought it might be the alcohol talking, but I think I may like you," Alan said quietly and Jayden grinned shyly, looking down at the hands resting in the bear's lap. A hand brushed the side of his muzzle, pulling it up to look at Alan, just in time to feel a pair of lips press lightly against his.

Jayden chuckled to try and break the hold of his confusion as Alan pulled away from him with an innocent smile. The bright numbers of clock outside the bank next door told him that this was the quickest he'd ever gone from meeting someone to kissing them, and it wasn't quite the fairytale feeling he'd hoped for.

It was different when he was just thinking of him naked, but now that Alan wanted him to care, he wasn't sure he was ready. He wasn't sure he could move on and he wasn't sure he could even give him a chance before he would inevitably realize he wasn't Francis.

"I think I like you, too," Jayden said with a smile. Paige said Jayden would like him, so she had to be right. She always was, so, for once, he'd listen to her, "but it's getting late and we should probably go to sleep."

Alan helped him stand, but as he saw the glint in his eyes, he knew it wasn't quite the same as the one he'd always seen when Francis looked at him. It wasn't the same spark that had always ignited his heart, but he knew he was hoping for too much.