Omega, Begin Again
#2 of The End
Chapter 8
The End: Chapter 8: Omega, Begin Again.
*Humphrey's P.O.V. *
I felt a certain type of numbness settle over me as I lied in the train car and watched the tiny specks of dust zip into and out of the rays of light that carved through the cracks in the wood at my back. In spite of the warm embrace of the spring, my body felt cold and though I knew it still beat somewhere inside of me, I could feel my heart slowly succumbing to the void into which I traveled. Emptiness seemed to engulf me and drag me deeper and deeper into an inescapable pit of despair as my thoughts ceaselessly obsessed over the adventure we had shared together and the solemn goodbye that finally brought it to an eternal end. The image of her teary, amber eyes remained burned in my mind like a scar that would never fade, and the longer my mind's gaze reflected upon the eyes of the one over whom it had so incessantly obsessed since the day her image was first carved into its memory, the clearer the truth became.
In that moment, I did not know wether or not she loved me, but I could see in her eyes that she did not love him. It was all a sham. She had a role to fill and nothing more. As these realizations fell upon me, I was not sure wether I should laugh at the irony, or cry over the fact that my attempts to be with her were in vain from the start. To be completely honest, I wasn't sure if I could have laughed or cried, or if either of these expressions would have made any difference. All I knew in this moment was that, through all of my suffering, through all of my growth, and through all of the changes I had made, one thing remained the same. I was running.
I was running from my demons when I came to Jasper. I was running from my past when I met Kate. With every obsession I created because of her or because of her absence I was running from my own mind, and now that she was gone forever, I knew that I was running from a truth so absolute that I could never bear to face it. The only problem was, this time, I didn't know where I was running to, because I realized that no matter where I might go, a life without her by my side would be meaningless. As this realization fell upon me, the numbness in my body seemed to develop a strange form of sentience. Almost before my mind could even comprehend the motion, I pressed myself up off of my chest and I began to make my way toward the open cargo door. With each step that I took toward the door, I felt my heart throb and my stomach ball up into tightly clenched knots. As I arrived at the edge of the train car's platform, I paused and the gravity of the situation began to fall heavily upon my body and mind as I stared down at the steel wheels that roared so angrily against the track beneath them.
I wondered what would happen should I fall from the train car and somehow end up in their path. Would it be painful? Would the merciless will of the wheels bring a swift end to my life, or would they chew me up and then leave me alone to slowly waste away as the ants and other scavengers came to feast upon my flesh? Would anybody ever find me? Would anybody even care enough to look for me? Or would my shattered bones simply be scattered across the land and the entirety of my existence forgotten? There was really only one way to find out... I took a moment to close my eyes and in this moment, I found peace. The voices in my mind slowly faded and the sounds of the world became as crisp as the winter's icy breath. I could hear the soft whistle of the wind as it wisped through the cracks in the wood that surrounded me. I felt it gently caress my fur as it danced around my body. I could feel the gentle sway of the train car beneath my paws, hear the eerie grind of the wheels as they rolled over the track beneath them, and then finally I succumbed to the sweet resplendence of rubatosis as the beat of my own heart seemed to seize control of my every conscious sense. Though I knew that I was only moments from death, I was not afraid and the thoughts of what might happen once my body left the train car vanished. It was time.
Slowly I opened my eyes and gazed down at the track as it rushed beneath me. With a deep, collective breath, I slowly inched myself closer to the edge of the platform and began to calculate the angle that would properly place me in the path of my demise, but right as I tensed my body to make the leap, the train car suddenly shunted and I was thrown from my perch and sent tumbling away from the fate that I had planned for myself. I felt a deep, searing pain consume me as my body came to rest in the grass and through a veil of tears and luscious, green blades, I watched the train roll slowly on without me.
"Dammit," I cursed through tightly clenched teeth as the pain that coursed through my body held me in its iron grip.
Slowly I attempted to lift my head, but the pain proved too great to overcome, so I allowed my chin to come to rest on the ground once more.
"God dammit," I strained again, though this time, a new sensation overtook me.
My stomach churned, my body began to tremble and then, with a rapturous wail, I began to express my grief. I can't explain why, but in this moment it felt as though I was blindsided by every memory that I had either buried or tried to outrun. Every harrowing truth about my existence that I denied, every emotion that I had stuffed somewhere inside the pit of my stomach- all of it was suddenly pulled from the deepest reaches of my mind, body and soul, and it poured forth from my mouth like the sad soliloquy of a life that had never been allowed to begin. I cried for my parents. I cried for my sins. I cried for Kate, but mostly I cried for myself and for the opportunities that I squandered while I was busy chasing fairytales. For nearly half an hour, my sorrowful song spilled out into the land around me and then suddenly, it was over. I sniffled and slowly lifted my head and then for the first time in my life, I felt as though the ghosts that haunted my mind were laid to rest, and that the weight of the guilt that had burdened me was suddenly lifted.
Never before had I felt more complete. Never before had I felt so free. It was as though in my lowest moment, I was somehow born again and with my virgin eyes, I could see the world clearly for the first time. The version of Kate that truly loved me and the world in which we would actually end up together against all odds, they only existed in my mind and no amount of denial, bargaining, or personal transformation would ever change that. I realized in this moment all that I had given, and all that I would have been willing, to give up for her, and I then understood the amount of power that I had allowed her to hold over me for most of my life. I let her existence control mine for so long, and what good did it do me?
I struggled and suffered and allowed the thought of her to torment my mind for so long, and in the end, it nearly led me to my own demise. Nothing and nobody was worth that- not even her. Even if she was never mine to hold, I knew that with friends, true friends, my family, and a new outlook on life, my life could still be complete. These thoughts seemed to suddenly fill my body with a new sense of purpose and before I could even think about the damage that had been done to my body upon its separation from the train car, I slowly began to pick myself up off of my chest. Pain shot through my afflicted body like searing blades as it protested the motion, but in this moment, I did not care. With a growl and gritted teeth, I righted myself upon my paws. Then, with a sense of determination the likes of which I had never before felt, I turned a fiery gaze to the north, where only a few miles away, my home anxiously awaited my return.