FSE

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Chapter 6

Not much had changed about his life, in reality, but he still felt like he had nothing real left in it. Part of him had a hard time understanding how everyone else was going on with their lives like nothing had happened, like the world wasn't one person smaller. He knew that the world had the same amount of people in it, and he should have felt happy for Francis, but he really and truly felt... nothing.

The temperature outside in the world had shifted and for the first time in months he didn't have to open his window. Most of the last few days he'd spent lying in bed, looking out of it, watching the world turn slowly. During the days, he could hear the pups playing in the small grass field beside his building, and at night, he could see the stars twinkling faintly over the street lights.

He knew that everyone mourned in different ways, but while he felt much of nothing, his mother had been out somewhere doing something with her friends. He had been angry because he really didn't know what else to feel. All his better judgment had been lost back in that confining hospital room.

Jayden hadn't made it to the wake, mostly because he was sure he had no place to fit into it, emotionally. He didn't quite have the energy to stand in a room full of her old church friends and see the faces of his past as they handed him hollow words on a silver platter. Funereal rites aren't about the people who die, but the people they left behind, and he felt most comfortable lost and alone in his own room.

Today, he just lay on his back with his head on the foot of the bed in a black suit, his fur brushed and neat, his teeth sparkling clean as part of a last respect he knew his grandmother wouldn't approve of. His stomach was eternally clenched in hunger and his throat was barren, but all he did was study Francis' belongings with a mild interest.

Not much had gone through his room since Francis left and everything was right where he left it. Soda cans and a few empty plates sat on the desk and Jayden had no intention of putting them in the sink. Francis had called him the day after he left and said that'd he'd been up for thirty something hours and that the baby was born, but he'd try to be there as soon as he could. Any normal person would have told him to stay with his kid, but Jayden was selfish and wanted someone to hold onto. That was one of those redeeming thoughts that always ran through his head; having someone else's arms around him. And then, he'd picture Francis' arms around Tammy, and he'd usually go back to staring out his window like the thought hadn't crossed his mind. He was getting really good at lying to himself.

His bedroom door creaked as his mother pushed it open, dressed in all black much like himself, her movements lifeless as she purposely tried to hide her sorrow, for Jayden's sake. He knew she didn't need to because it was her right to mourn just like the rest, but she probably felt like she needed to be a rock for him at the moment, since Francis hadn't come back. Lethargically, Jayden stood from his bed and threw a final glance at Francis' clothes on the floor before following his mother out of the house door, the slam oddly muffled.

Everything happened in a picturesque blur. The trip between his house and his grandmother's house normally took half an hour, but barely a minute seemed to pass before he was standing in the parking lot of her small church. A silent crowd of black stood in the handicapped spots right before the stairs, and he saw most of his family.

His uncle - his father's sister's husband - and their son, dressed up in his army dress uniform. Jayden's brother was also there, dressed in his own marine uniform, but his sister hadn't been able to make it up from the south, having to take care of two kids. She was the only one in his family that he had a deep connection with, and it was empty without her here. A couple of his grandmother's friends mulled about them, chatting idle words that didn't quite make it through Jayden's head.

His mother walked up to the group and invited herself into the conversation, but Jayden just stayed to the back, leaning on his mother's car. He didn't say much while he waited for the hearse to pull up, but occasionally, someone would walk over to him and he'd answer their twenty questions listlessly. While their mouths moved, he'd look at their faces, their eyes and their ears, silently trying to figure out who they were. Eventually, they'd give him their condolences and leave like they'd never shown up.

The procession pulled in and Jayden followed it quietly with his eyes as the funeral coach stopped at the stairs. His father, his aunt, and his great-aunt unfolded from the private vehicle behind the hearse. Jayden stared at his hands for the longest time, fumbling with them purposefully as the sound drained from his ears and the only thing he felt was the morning sun resting on his neck.

His mother's hand brushed his shoulder and he looked up to see everyone filing into the church, the parking lot crowded with church goers. He padded up the stairs lightly, everyone seeming to keep the slightest distance from him as they passed by in a haze. There was a dull chatter, but nothing he cared to hear as he stepped onto the tan carpet inside the church.

Jayden hadn't been here in years, at least since he was thirteen, and nothing had changed at all. There was a small set of stairs to his left that led into the basement and another, larger set that led up into the nave, which he ascended slowly, his eyes on the huge wooden cross high above the altar.

He had never been too religious, and he had always despised the thought of church. It wasn't because it was a waste of a Sunday morning, it was that he always found it to be a waste to have to praise your God for only one day a week to get redemption. To him, it was much like the idea of Valentine's Day where it seemed you were supposed to care more about your lover on that day than any other.

Redemption and forgiveness were something he always fought for and believed in, regardless of the day or the situation, and it was something that he believed he had to live by in order to achieve. No one else could hold your hand and lead you through the gates to paradise. Some people like Francis needed a push in the right direction, while others needed the support that their peers brought, but Jayden needed to know that what he did was worth it. He believed that his grandmother sought after it everyday, and that she pushed him to do the same, because she knew the peace it brought your heart, despite the storms it put in your head. She knew that by the end of the day, your thoughts would calm, but your heart would always pick up right where it left off.

Large bouquets of flowers rest around the church, bringing light and color to the otherwise drab place of worship. He sat down in the first pew beside his father and his wife, his great aunt to his other side and his aunt behind him with his uncle. He was surrounded by a hushed and oppressive silence as he stared at the floor, his hands laced in his lap.

He heard the coffin carried down the isle, listening to the associated tears, and wrung his hands as he clenched his teeth, closing his eyes as he got lost in the feeling. The casket was placed a few feet to his right and he did anything he could to not look at it, to the point where it felt like his neck had gone rigid.

His jaw was chiseled as he fought back the tears and his hands were clasped painfully in his lap to stop the quivering. His father was right beside him, but he refused to look at him, but he knew he wasn't crying; it was just a feeling. His father hadn't cried when he'd disowned Jayden, nor had he cried when he disowned his sister, so he didn't have any reason to cry now. Loss was a second nature to him.

Jayden licked his lips, running his tongue ran along the parched skin. He heard the reverend speak several times, and people sung around him, tears and pain intermingled with their words. Several times he was sure that his mother gripped his shoulder, but he wasn't completely sure what he felt, because his mind seemed too far gone to grasp the concepts of touch, or taste, or smell. All he could hear was the ringing in his head, the God-awful humming that made him aware that he was still awake, even though he wished he wasn't.

The preacher spoke of heaven and hell like they were places he'd been. He made Jayden aware that everyone was a sinner, even his grandmother and himself. He spoke forcefully to their fears of damnation and plundered their certainty of innocence. He told about how no liar, or sinner, or thief, or miscreant would get into heaven without first finding the Lord and redeeming themselves.

He also said to them that his grandmother was one of those to be saved, one of those to help the fallen, and to aid the lost. She was the redeemed. Jayden didn't agree with her religion, but he agreed with her. Sometimes, he couldn't help but wonder what she saw hidden between the lines of fire and brimstone. Did she need that fear to live a better life?

He heard a familiar coughing and for the first time Jayden looked up to see an old friend of his grandmother's. He stared into her face, seeing a pain much like his. She was a old fox, her arms frail and her wrists dainty, just like his grandmother's had been. She looked out over them, tears in her eyes and agony in her heart, but Jayden could see that she refused to judge those who didn't cry. They both knew that it was wrong to judge another's pain, because it wasn't how much they felt that meant anything, but it was how they felt it.

He looked over to his father and saw that he was completely lost, unsure of where he was even sitting. Tears brimmed around the outside of his eyes, but he held it back like Jayden, so that nothing stained his fur. His great-aunt was silent, her hands shaking, trying to accept the fact that she was the last of her sisters to be alive.

"I stand here before you all about to tell you about a woman, like you all don't already know who she is. The truth is, I don't think there's a person I know that hasn't been touched by her presence. She was a lot of things to a lot of people, something that I have always aspired to be, and thanks to her love, I have. But, never quite like her."

He felt his lip quiver as she looked over to Jayden and his father, but he just breathed slowly and looked down at the silver casket, the bright yellow roses atop the casket staying perfectly still.

"She was a mother to her children, a grandmother to their children, a friend to many, and a source of inspiration to everyone she met. She was a shoulder to cry on, a place to go on a lonely night, and I'm sure that I'm not the only person who thought she was an angel, hidden among us. There was hardly a time when her house wasn't filled with the sounds of laughter.

"But, we shouldn't be saddened by her passing, we should be happy knowing that she will live on forever inside of the people whose heart she has opened up.

"I met her a few months before her husband passed away. Those were dark times for her; for everyone in her life, especially her children. But, she never lost hope and she never gave in, even though she swore to me that she was in over her head. She promised me that God had a plan for us all and that this wasn't all without purpose. At the time, I was more than a little skeptical, but I still tried to listen to her words with certainty."

She paused a looked down at her hands and away from the microphone as she tried to calm herself enough to speak. Jayden's heart beat in his throat as he brought his eyes back to his knees.

"A few years later, my husband passed away. In a heartbeat and without reservation, there she was. My rock and my shoulder to cry on. Despite the tragedy in her life, and mine, she held firm to her promise. She told me that through the pain, there was a glimmering hope, but I was still lost, and afraid, and dubious.

"But, now, I am certain that she spoke the truth, and it is my turn to be your rock and your shoulder to cry on. There are still days left for all of us; to live, to love and to laugh. I am here to assure you that this, however painful it may be, is all part of a greater plan. A plan that will help us all to live with compassion, and forgiveness, and love, knowing that everything that may befall us is simply the next step in the right direction."

Jayden hazarded an upward glance at her as she backed away from the lingering eyes of all those that filled the pews, fearful that his eyes may leak. She sat down on the opposite side of the coffin, and Jayden looked away, instantly engulfed in his almost blissful emptiness. He may not believe in any one true God, but he did believe that every action ripples.

The minutes passed by, and eventually Jayden found himself being escorted back to his mother's car, ignoring the words that were being spoken to him, or around him. They begin to move, to where, Jayden wasn't sure; probably the cemetery. Jayden had gone with his grandmother several times to the place where his grandfather was buried, even though he never knew him. When he was a pup, he didn't completely understand the ideas behind the mourning, and the loss, and the fact that sometimes people are so far gone that you'll never see them again.

His grandmother's funeral procession was long. It stretch out all the way behind him and past what he could see in the rear view mirror. The high sun filtered through the trees, reflecting off the stopped cars and Jayden looked out the windshield as the wrought iron gates taunted him to the right. Inertia tugged him to the side and he held his belt in front of his chest, just like his grandmother had, as he was thrown around the seat.

A seatbelt clicked and Jayden followed the cue blankly, rubbing his eyes exhaustedly. He walked across the turf, running through his memories of this place, now picturing two headstones instead of one. A light cool breeze ran by his exposed head, tickling the fur on the inside of his ears. He put his hands in his pockets with his elbows locked and his shoulders squared, watching the casket as it moved through the air, the weight and the burden of his loss carried by the others. The muscles around his eyes relaxed and everything went out of focus as his fangs scraped against the inside of his lips.

His grandmother's passage into heaven through the reverend didn't take too long, or at least it didn't feel like it. He was comfortably numb, his thoughts blowing away like smoke in the wind. People began to disperse, but he just waited there with weakened senses, waiting for some sign that his grandmother was finally at peace. He didn't know where people went when they left, but he hoped she was happier now, even if that meant she went nowhere.

"I'm going to give you a moment," his mother whispered, patting his arm and he looked up with a slight nod. His father's wife walked away, making the space been Jayden and his father grow smaller, as he too looked at the coffin, the roses now swaying slightly.

Jayden felt his shoulders fall under the weight of the air, and he walked towards the casket, only pulling out his hands to grab two roses. They had removed the thorns, and there was nothing to destroy the beauty of the soft petals that were cold to his touch. Jayden looked at his father with the side of his eyes and found him with his gaze pointed towards the grass.

He removed his hand from the metal casket and walked over to his father, counting the steps in his head as he tried to find something to say. All the words in the English dictionary had had their meanings erased, and Jayden just stood before his father, the two rose stems between his fingers.

"I'm sorry I didn't make it to the wake," Jayden said.

"It's alright," his father said with a fleeting smile, "you need to do what's best for yourself, Jayden."

Jayden, fighting his better instinct, reached out and hugged his father closely to him, shaking slightly from the nerves and the force with which his father returned the action.

"I'm sorry, but I just need more time," Jayden mumbled, looking at the roses he carefully clasped in his hands, "I need to find out where I belong first."

He pulled away and smiled weakly before turning to walk away. Jayden had been growing tired of the people too afraid to try, too afraid to take that chance and try to fix the things they'd done wrong, but his father was the very last person he'd been expecting to see apologize. He had been so sure that his father was so afraid of his past that he lived like it hadn't happened. And, if he could change, maybe there was still hope for Francis.

"How are you feeling?" His mother asked when he buckled himself in and they pulled away.

"I've been better," he mumbled, "but I'll be fine."

The cool air rushed by him when he slowly opened the window, and he left it open long after his face was numb. The sounds of passing cars put him in a trance and he was lost in his memories until the car stopped outside on the black asphalt of his apartment complex.

He fished his keys out of his pockets while he stepped out and he went up the back staircase, hoping to get the adrenaline pumping to clear his head. He pounded hard on the stairs as he ascended, feeling his heart rise and fall like his lungs as he neared the top. Shaking his head, he jogged down the hall, not caring that what he was doing was completely inappropriate, and foolish. Stopping at the door, he slid the key in the lock with a series of faint clicks, rubbing his eyes repeatedly as he walked in, his blood struggling through his veins.

Unbuttoning the confining shirt, he pulled it off in the hallway and closed his eyes to rub his muzzle. Tossing it onto his bed, he didn't hear it hit the mattress, so he opened his eyes and found a brown and blue mass covered by a long black shirt. It turned to Jayden and pulled it off with large hand, revealing a set of blue-gray eyes.

"What're you doing here?" Jayden asked, excited and confused as he sat down beside the bear, his hands hanging limply between his legs.

"I managed to hitch a ride with some trucker," Francis said with a smile, "I had to pay him back in ways that you probably wouldn't approve of, though."

Jayden smiled brightly despite the circumstance, the horrible week, and the morbid thoughts. This was what he really needed right now; someone to pull him up from the deep end. He wrapped his arms around the bear's big belly and squeezed firmly, making sure not to make Francis uncomfortable.

"I meant how did you get in here?" Jayden queried, his muzzle resting on Francis' shoulder as an arm went behind him to rub his back reassuringly. He couldn't believe he was actually here, it was almost... too perfect.

"You went with me to get your keys copied a few weeks ago, remember?"

"Oh, yea," Jayden mumbled, pulling himself away to rub his neck awkwardly. Hugging Francis was so much more emotional than when he'd hugged his father; probably because he had the same hopes for Francis and he was actually seeming to fulfill some of them, "sorry, I'm just a little... scatterbrained."

"I'd imagine," Francis started, frowning a little as he looked around at the mess he'd made in the bedroom, "how are you doing?"

"Like I told my mother: I've had better days, but I'll be fine."

"Is there anything I can do? You know, to make things a little easier for you?" Francis asked, looking at the television while Jayden did the same. He could feel the distance between their minds, despite their bodies being so close that he could feel the heat wafting off of him in the cool room. Jayden wanted to do nothing other than crawl to the back of the bed and cry the night away, even though the sight of the bear did a lot to ease the superficial sting. He knew that Francis deserved to celebrating, and he felt horrible knowing that he only came here out of pity.

"You just being here is helping more than you know," Jayden said with a faint smile, "So, come on, let's hear it. I'm sure you're dying to tell me all about your last few days."

"She's with Tammy right now -"

"It's a girl?" Jayden interrupted and Francis smiled widely.

"Yea," he looked down at his hands, leaning closer to Jayden slightly as he twiddled his fingers. The wolf wrapped his arm around Francis' and rest his head on his shoulder. Francis moved his hand to his side to grab Jayden's, "She's healthy, and adorable, and big. She's perfect, really."

"You'll have to introduce me sometime," Jayden said, looking up to Francis so his snout brushed against the side of his face. The bear peeked down at him with the corner of his eyes, letting out mirthless little snort, "Why aren't you with her?"

"I figured you needed someone," Francis said quietly, resting his head on Jayden's, "I guess I kind of needed someone, too."

"Something happen? You should be happy."

"I am," Francis said quietly, "A lot happier than I've been lately. Me and Tammy got into a little argument, though, about the future. She's going to stay in college and keep her job at the daycare, since it'll make it easier to watch the baby and I still have no idea what I'm doing. I won't be able to go back to college."

Jayden knew what was coming, but he didn't say anything. He was already in so much pain, he didn't really think much could make it worse, so he held his tongue. Besides, he just wanted to keep Francis happy, that was all that mattered, right?

"She's really not sure what's going to happen to us, though," Francis continued, "I think she wants to try to make it work. At least, I hope she does."

"You have to do what's best for you," Jayden mumbled, the hand in his losing it's warmth as he pulled away to look Francis in the eye, confused by the even more confused look on the bear's face, "Why don't we watch a movie? You can pick this time."

Jayden stood and closed his door with an inward sigh; he loved Francis and he was sure that he did on some level, too, but he just wished he'd make up his mind about who he wanted to be with. Paige had been right saying that the only choice left up to him was ending it. He just hoped it wouldn't come to that.

Unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants, he untucked his shirt, pulling it over his head as Francis kneeled down to look at the bottom shelf. Walking over to his chest of drawers, Jayden stumbled out of his boxers while Francis stood and put a DVD in the tray, unfazed by the fact that there was a naked wolf right beside him. Jayden didn't know if it was because he was bored of him, or if it was just because he was comfortable around him.

Pulling on a pair of jeans, he slowly climbed in between Francis' legs, resting his back against his cushy stomach, his head in the middle of his chest. Eventually, Francis would see that Jayden was the one for him, and he would see that Jayden was trying so hard to keep him happy because he loved him. He just hoped it was before he broke down and finally went insane; he'd been pretty close for a while, but he managed to skate by with some of his wits still intact. The feeling of Francis' warmth against his bare body was one of those few things that saved him from the brink.

"I remember you saying that you liked this movie, so I put it on hoping it'd make you feel a little better," Francis said, resting his chin lightly on top of Jayden's head.

"You are so amazing," Jayden said as the opening song masked his chuckle. Francis kissed him on the back of his head and Jayden smiled as they watched the movie in silence, finally able to keep his mind from straying too far off into the darkness.

It was clear that Francis felt something for him, and he could understand his desire to keep Tammy closely entwined in his life, but he couldn't understand why he needed to keep the title of fiancé. It probably wasn't his place to judge, but he was closer to Francis than Tammy was, at least for the moment.

Jayden was afraid that as soon as he let go of Francis and ended what they had, his chance with him would come and go. Did Francis have a similar fear with Tammy, or was he afraid to see her with someone else? Jayden had gotten over that fear about three failed relationships ago.

Francis' parents were still together and they had gotten along all the times that Jayden had been over his house. His own parents, however, had gotten divorced some years ago, after an eleven year marriage. By the end of it, Jayden was sure he'd come home one day from school to find one of them missing. He was happy that they'd gotten a divorce, despite the fact that they wanted to try to stay together for him.

Jayden just really had no idea how to explain that to Francis in a way that he would listen without sounding like he had his own personal agenda. He did want Francis, but every time the subject of Tammy came up, Jayden had never flat out tell Francis to be rid of her, because any impending relationship they may have would feel hollow if he didn't make the decision himself.

If Francis and Tammy were fighting the day after the cub was born, he could just imagine what they'd be like when things got more stressful. Jayden remembered the feelings of anxiety everyday after school, afraid to go home to hear his parents arguing and calling each other rude names that he didn't understand at the time.

Now that Jayden was much older, he understand the words that his mother had used; two-timer, cheater, liar, adulterer. He would always miss his bus 'on accident' and take his time walking home, locking himself in his room when he got there. His parents were always so heated that they never even noticed he was an hour to two hours late.

The television screen went black, leaving them basking in the minimal light that came in through the closed blinds and curtains. They didn't move, hiding from their own thoughts in each other arms, but as Jayden's eyes fell down onto the two yellow roses that rest on his desk in front of the television, he felt his thoughts surging in.

Francis rubbed Jayden's bare stomach and the wolf laced their fingers as he thought about the eulogy his grandmother's friend had given. He could picture his grandmother sitting around on fluffy clouds with his grandfather, scheming about her plan for all of them. It was just like his grandmother to think about someone else, even on her death bed. She knew that she would get Jayden and his father to talk, even if it meant dying for that belief.

It felt like an insult, and possibly even a curse, but her death brought everyone closer together. As he sat in Francis' embrace, the bear squeezed his hand lightly and Jayden looked down, realizing the tears that were dripping down his fur and onto their hands. This was the first time in years that Jayden had let himself cry around anyone and he had been so comfortable around Francis that he didn't even realize it was happening.

"I'm listening, if you want, or we can just stay quiet if you want."

"My grandmother is a scheming genius," Jayden whispered.

"What do you mean?" Francis asked, his voice washing over Jayden's ears softly, his throat vibrating against his head.

"She knew all along that she was going to get me and my father to talk with each other."

There was a long silence as Jayden cried softly and uncertainly, not even sure what was causing it. It was haunting, letting the tears run down the side of his muzzle without trying to stop them. He didn't have a lump in his throat, his face didn't sting, and, ironically enough, his heart didn't ache.

"What did happen between you and your father?" Francis questioned, his voice hoarse but his grip on the wolf was firm, unrelenting. Almost afraid to let go and get lost in the sea on his own.

Jayden sat there and pondered, the words taking a few tries to get through his head in one piece. He had never told anyone other than Paige what had happened with his father, and he got a jittery, panicky excitement in the pit of his stomach at the thought of telling Francis. His eyes burned as he debated testing Francis' devotion, seeing if he'd run away. To see if they'd taken their relationship to an emotionally connected point.

"I was seven when my father stopped talking to my sister," Jayden started, barely above a whisper as he slid down on Francis even further, so that his head was right below the bear's belt buckle. A pair of hands played with his ears idly, trying to keep the devil away as Jayden crossed his arms on the stomach, staring at the light lines on the ceiling, "He sat me down in the kitchen and told me that she was a bad person. That I shouldn't talk with her anymore, because he didn't want me to do bad things. He said that if I wanted to see her, I had to go with him. But, I never really got to see her.

"When I was ten, I managed to get her phone number and we've been talking all the time since then. We're a lot alike, really. When I was about twelve, I hinted that I was gay, and she said that I was really mature for my age and really brave for coming to terms so quickly. I didn't tell anyone else until I fourteen, after my parents finally divorced, and when I told my father, he threw a fit. Some things went flying around the room and some of my stuff was broken, but my mother came to pick me up. I hadn't talked to him since then. It's not the most dramatic of stories, but it's hard thinking that the ones who are programed to love you sometimes don't even do that."

"I told my parents I liked guys a few months ago," Francis mumbled, "right after I started talking to you."

"How'd they take it?"

"They didn't really care. They just thought I was going through some phase, since I'm with Tammy. Don't think they realize that I'm a little too old to go through random phases."

"Could've been worse," Jayden responded, looking up at Francis' placid stare. Jayden stretched his arm up as far as he could, rubbing behind the bear's ear gruffly, to try to cheer him up a little and pull him out of his daze, "as long as you're content with who you are, it doesn't really matter what other people think."

"I know," Francis said, his hands stopped suddenly and rest on his thighs. Jayden watched as his face fell into confusion, half a frown on his face, much like Jayden's father had looked at the funeral, "I've been thinking about it lately. I'm not really sure what I am; I just kind of love people based on who they are, not if they're a guy or girl."

"It took me years to figure out who I am, but I guess it all came down to sex. I'm sure I could love a woman, but I've never been attracted to one, so I've never loved one, or even liked one, if you know what I mean."

"Yea," Francis mumbled, ignoring the progression of the conversation as he looked down at Jayden deeply, his eyes unfocused. The bear's hand brushed the side Jayden's muzzle and they both smiled faintly. Jayden sat himself up and crawled over to Francis, kissing him lightly on the lips.

This was just the distraction he wanted from his otherwise shitty week, and he was sure Francis felt the same. Sure, they'd both regret it later, but that didn't mean they couldn't have fun now. Jayden would do anything he could to forget, at least for now.

Sitting on his lap with his bare stomach pressed against Francis, he felt the bear kiss his chest. Grabbing his shirt around the waist, he pulled it over Francis' head and tossed it on the floor. God, he was so glad Francis was here.