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The Arctic War

Betraying Myself

The constant sound of mortar rounds going off inside the city was enough to make us paranoid, let alone all of the enemy occupants that riddled this huge city. They tended to hide in the skyscrapers and had whole roads zeroed. Cole my friend and I were with Sergeant Kellicks, our company had split up to cover more ground. Just means more easy targets for the enemy, but I don't question orders I just follow them.

Cole is always running ahead scouting out the area. Sarge keeps telling him to hold his ass up that a spread that far could kill us all. We hadn't run into any problems yet and I was hoping to keep it that way. We go t to a parking zone; we were just getting to the end of it when we heard shots fired. We ducked up next to the closest car.

We all came to the same conclusion real quick; sniper. Cole popped his head up to look around for him. He started firing at the position of said sniper. Cole got up after he nailed the sniper with his service rifle. Then turned around and started to say something. His words were cut short by a secondary sniper. His brain splattered all over the ground around him and the car behind him.

******************************************

I sprung up reaching for my rifle. This again, I can't believe that this is actually happening. I never once had this problem before; well the thing with the bullet my head was recurring. But that was the first time in a year and four months.

I looked over at my alarm clock it was seven. Well at least I got up at a decent hour. I got into the shower, shaved, and brushed my teeth. By the time I was done it was seven fifteen. I got into a sweater and sweat pants and went for a brisk jog. I got to the outskirts of town about two miles away from our house. It wasn't so bad I did it in a little over half an hour. I got home a little after eight thirty; I then started to make breakfast. It was the weekend so they'd be asleep till ten unless there was food ready.

I couldn't help but remember all of the days I did this when I was in high school. My dad was almost always hammered back in those days. He and mom had something I could never dream of having now so I really couldn't get upset with him on anything like that it wouldn't be fair. I had never really felt that way before this war, now I just don't know if I am supposed to find the one for me.

I had made bacon, eggs, homemade biscuits, and ham steak, a pretty good meal. I found cooking to be relaxing; it had me focus on one thing at a time and didn't really allow my mind to wander. I went upstairs to get my sisters up; they were easier to get up than my dad. He was usually in a bad mood, didn't sleep well and he just missed my mom's body right next to him in the middle of the night. They had been married since they were eighteen years old, and when she died they were close to thirty five. They were married for a good seventeen years; I don't know how he must have feel. I gave three sharp raps on the door. Almost immediately the door swung open, and he rolled out of his room into the dining room.

I sat in my usual place on the opposite side of where my mother used to sit. Sitting in her place was Sabrina, trying to fill the space my mom had left behind. Once we were all situated I insisted everyone join hands. I then started to say a prayer I had learned from a prayer book while I was out in the field.

"Our Father who art in heaven; Hallowed be Thy Name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven; Give us this day our daily bread; And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; And lead us not into temptation; But deliver us from evil; For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever.

Amen," I finished.

"Where the hell did you learn that? Speaking about God like he actually exists," my dad started in on me.

"Well I understand that you seem to have lost your faith with your situation, but I lived through a war so far and I'm lucky the only wound I had was just scratch compared to what it would have been. I believe if I lived through all of that I am damn lucky or there is someone watching over me," I replied.

"Whatever I just think you are fucking stupid, it was just dumb luck you lived like you did," he said obviously not convinced.

"So when are you going to see your fiancée," Sabrina asked.

"I'm not," I replied.

"But you haven't seen her in forever and I'm sure she wants to see you," she said.

"She broke it off. She is no longer my fiancée," I replied.

"Why did she break it off," Jess and Heather asked simultaneously.

"She and I had different interests, plus she didn't want a shell of what I was, which is what I am," I said somberly.

"More like he's afraid of commitment," Richard piped in.

Unfortunately that's pretty much how the rest of breakfast went. My sisters asking questions I wasn't comfortable about and then my dad tearing me down a peg or two. Then after a while Sabrina said, "Why don't you just shut the hell up he's been through hell and all you want to do is bad moth him he's been through more than you ever have, you crippled prick!" This shocked us all this was so not how she talked to my dad and yet here she was standing up to him like that. He recovered the fastest from her outburst and went to slap her. I grabbed his hand before he made contact with her face, "You ever so much as lay a paw on her while I'm here I will break it." He looked at me with disdain and decided to drop it and roll his ass back into his room.

I pulled Sabrina outside to talk to her personally and asked, "What the hell was that back there?"

"I'm sick of him badmouthing you. That's all he does he did it when you were here and then even more when you weren't. It's confusing our sisters; they can't remember all of the things that you did for them. And then he makes you look like the bad guy," she replied, distraught.

"Let me ask you a question. Why do we fall," I asked.

"So we can pick ourselves up. I don't see the point in that question," she said irritably.

"Not finished. Those who fail to pick themselves up knock everyone else down below them. Just like dad, he never picked himself up because he didn't think he could. Do you see what I mean," I asked.

"I guess I get it," she said.

"Good now I'm going to go talk to dad you just cool off for a little while," I said as I headed back inside. I walked towards his door, and gave another three raps on his door.

"Come in," he said.

I opened the door and said, "Hey dad. Look Sabrina is just upset that...," I stopped mid sentence his hand was telling me to be quiet.

"I am not your damn dad I never was. Your mother was with another guy when she was sixteen and seventeen. You and your oldest sister are fully related but the other three are half sisters. Your mom was a whore, hell even when we were married she was with other guys," he started elaborating. I was getting fumed at this she was as loyal as anyone from the People's Army and police officer. He never usually got under my skin like this but I was just going to get out of here.

He tried stopping me from leaving his room. Not so easy when he can just be rolled out of the way. I shut the door behind me. I kinda figured I wasn't his son he and I looked nothing alike. His fur had darker fur; mine was as white as a new snow in the sunrise. Another thing was Sabrina's fur looked like me plus we also had the same color eyes.

A few hours later I was having lunch with Linda. We were catching up, she was getting her Bachelor's degree in Applied Sciences. The whole revelation wasn't nagging at me at all: what was is the fact that we probably shouldn't get together, in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I have been thinking about how to ease in into the conversation but had recently in the last few minutes decided it would be better to just come out and say it.

"Look, there is no easy way to say this, but I really don't think we should get involved in a relationship with each other," I said each word felt like a ton of bricks was getting dropped into my stomach.

"What exactly do you mean," she asked wanting an explanation.

"If I die, I don't want you hurting, or if you want to be with someone else you can," I said.

"I see, so are you saying you don't like me," she demanded.

"Oh God, no, I love just being here with you. I was actually a little afraid to come here today, because almost no other guy could ever believe that you're with them...," I stopped she stormed off. Should have watched how I put that. Damn I really am an idiot when it comes to this. In war it is different, there are your allies and the enemy and that's it. There's no complexity to it so long as the lines didn't blur, and confuse you. Love is so much more difficult, you have to this and that, you have to learn what they like and all of this other stuff it is just crazy.

I sat there thinking I should go after her, but for some reason I stayed. Then I finally got up and paid the bill. I walked off I just roamed the town till about five or six. On the way home I had picked up a few things for dinner. Richard's words rang in my ears like the sound of gunfire that riddles my dreams the fact that I am afraid of commitment. Hell, maybe he is right; if he is then I am nothing but a coward afraid of something that couldn't possibly hurt me.

Dinner was made slowly as my mind was preoccupied and now time seemed to be going slower than usual. Dinner consisted of the same thing which didn't end up in outbursts this time. Then I followed the same routine as last night. I fell asleep thinking about today.

**************************************

My squad was to clear out a two story house that probably had the enemy hiding somewhere inside it. We had cleared the first floor without incident, the second went with a few run-ins but nothing too serious. I told the others to go wait outside there was only the attic that needed to be checked and one mad could do that.

I was searching around with the flashlight and hadn't seen anything. Then a person dropped down onto my back. I threw them from my back to the ground and grabbed their neck with my paw. I reached for my knife with the other and started to swing downward ... I stopped this didn't feel right

**************************************

I opened my eyes and realized that I did indeed have a combat knife. The attacker however wasn't the attacker. It was Linda; I had her by the throat and was hurting her. I let go as soon as I realized I wasn't in danger.

"I-I didn't mean to do that. First time that's happened, not the nightmare the attacking a real person. How did you get in here," I asked.

"I opened your window and I shouldn't have tried to wake you. Why do you have a knife though," she asked.

"War causes terrible things to a person," was all I could say.

"So I've heard but to make you so uncomfortable to sleep without a knife in hand has to be pretty bad," she sounded concerned.

"All right you want to hear what has happened? I'll tell you what I have seen," I said.

I started talking to her about my first couple of months in the war. Those days had been crystal clear. It was the later days that I tended to forget and blur. Then I described major events that had happened to me. This was all very painful for me to relive but I figured there might be someone who cared. By the time I finished the sun was coming up. "So, that's how I came back here. All of those battles and no injury, then just as my success came, it went," I finished, tears running down my cheeks.

"I don't know what to say," Linda said, "that's an awful lot of hell for one person to bear."

"I never want to see what I have ever again," I said.

I just sat there after that, she was sitting next to me by this point. She and I were at a loss for words. She reached towards my back and wrapped her arms around me. My mother used to do this when I was really upset. I didn't say anything about her I couldn't bear thinking about her just too much right now. It felt comforting, knowing she was right there for all I cared the rest of the world was a million miles away. Exhaustion got the best of me and I fell asleep.

I woke up at about twelve in the afternoon with Linda's head on my chest. Her arms were still wrapped around me. That was probably the most restful sleep I have had in forever this time no dreams, no worries before I fell asleep, just relaxation was all I felt for the first time since the war started a year ago. I sat there until she woke up I was just happy to be next to her, my tail was also flopping around like crazy. First time it did that since I graduated high school, thought they got that out of us in basic but it appears as if they didn't get rid of it completely.

"Hey, seems like you slept well," Linda said.

"I slept well for the first time in a year and it's all because of you. I want to thank you for listening to my story. I won't have too many nights like that," I said.

"I wouldn't be too sure of that. This was also one of my best nights of sleep too. It might be early to say this, but I think I love you," she said, hoping for the, I love you return.

"Well, I love you too. You make me feel so calm and I usually jump at everything," I admitted.

I betrayed myself at this point I didn't want to be attached to anybody but my family. So here I go taking another leap of faith. Hopefully this plunge won't have me land flat on my ass. She isn't a type of species Richard would approve of either. I don't see why he hates felines so much, ignorance most likely. I would have to spend the rest of this month with her as often as I can...