FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Landing within the base's new expanded perimeter which stretched along half the entire beach of the Brokenclaw shores, the modified Petrie ship dusted the dunes with a pale cloud as two mobsters from a timewarp strode out with hands cuffed behind their large-suited backs. The soldiers kept their guns pointed with Oddie also toting his regular sawn-off shotgun towards their new prisoners as lastly the dog and rabbit detective trailed up after with their own respective weapons. The lagomorph brandished his luger with eternal grin and a coffee morning trigger finger whilst wearing completely nothing; the canine however wore a powder-blue suit without shoes and a tie with black-on-cerulean stripes, keeping a steady aim on the back of the thugs' heads with a verbal warning.

"Alright now yer gonna play nice for our new guests, an' if I hear one complaint-"

"IT'S ONE-STAR YELP REVIEWS FOREVER!" shouted Max.

Arriving from the base were more troops to take the goons into custody with Thomas leading them. With one hand carefully placed upon the holster for his handgun, Brightman approached with wary steps at the odd couple.

"You weren't very clear on the radio," said the general to Oddie.

"I am sorry," he replied, "I did not un-derstand what happened."

"I don't blame you. Are you the newcomers?"

"Sam and Max, Freelance Police," the dog fwipped out his ID with Max kicking his around like a hacky sack, "we apprehended these two nefarious ne'er-do-wells whilst out on a mission."

"I see...freelance police eh? Never heard of that."

"We're situated in New York but our work takes us wherever crime festers."

"Lucasarts properties NOTwithstanding," corrected Max, "that's Mickey's problem now!"

"I'm Major-General Thomas Brightman," he said shaking hands with Sam politely, "I assume you also fell victim to yet another anomaly disturbance?"

"Not exactly," said the dog, "we're just on a rescue mission."

"Rescue mission? Well let's see, why don't we get these punks behind bars and you can tell us all about it."

"Sounds good, you got any coffee?"

"We have some yes."

"Well keep it locked up away from Max, he has a problem."

"No YOU have a problem!" shouted the rabbit waving his luger. "You and all the other people from the Bay Area Rapid Transit authority!"

"You know Peruvian coffee's banned in San Francisco after the Jeff Bezos incident!"

"HE HAD IT COMING, HIM AND ALL OF HIS EVIL CARDBOARD CHILDREN TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD, WITH TOO MUCH PACKAGING FOR [i]ONE SHEET OF LABELS![/i]"

"That wasn't the part people were complaining about, it was you widening the San Andreas Fault with your hypercephallic coffee vibrations!"

"Well maybe San Andrea should come out sometime and claim HER fault for once, instead o' just leaving itying it around all over the tectonic plate!"

Heading inside the base, the two mobsters were thrown to a containment cell whilst the two detectives were taken to the meeting room. Joining them was Jeremy, Jane, Andrea and Kevin who all looked stunned at the lumbering mutt and half-pint bunny.

"Okay what the hell?" asked Jane. "Is this another anomaly?"

"We're not anomalies!" retorted Max. "We're police!"

"From where the 1930s?!"

"Nope, 2017," replied Sam with a tip of his hat, "ma'am. Name's Sam, he's Max, we fight crime."

"Christ," muttered Jeremy rubbing his stache, "you look like you walked off a bloody Fleischer cartoon."

"Oh yeah we know him, Max used to be a stunt double for Felix the Cat."

"You wot?! But...b-but you look nuthin' like him also that were a cartoon he wuzn't real!"

"Ahhh the powers of marketing," simpered Max dreamily clasping his jaw rocking side to side, "you'll believe anything they want you to, they needed someone more...FEISTY for the 90's cartoon an' we were getting our work too!"

"Oh yeah that documentary we did," said the dog scratching his nose, "you wouldn't think our cameraman could keep up with us after thirteen episodes."

"He didn't, he got sent off to Woodhill prison remember, back in England?!"

"Prison?" asked Kevin crossing his arms confused. "What'd he do?"

"Nuthin', they just put 'im there cuz the asylum's closed on weekends!"

"What, why would it be closed on the weekend?!"

"Because that's Britain for you," shrugged Jane, "but, wait, hold on...are you two from OUR universe?!"

"Are YOU?!" cried Max.

"Okay wait wait, hold up." Dixon put her hands up before stepping forwards to place them on the table. "First off, you guys are from Earth, right, like where exactly are you from?"

"We're from New York City," replied Sam straightening his tie, "based in New York state from the good ol' United States of America."

"Really? Alright, mind if I ask you a few questions just to ascertain your place of origin?"

"What are you the TSA?!" cried the rabbit.

"Course she's not Max," he replied, "she hasn't stolen our toothpaste yet, or started screaming about Mexicans whilst violently smashing a jar of beans against the wall."

"It's funny how every TSA agent we've met has done that. You think they learn to do that on a course?"

"You know well as I do that airports are an urban hellscape that were purposefully built to test the minds of lesser mortals through a rigorous ceremony of patience and willing physiological self-destruction, first constructed by the people of Croydon, England in order to escape the hellish sanctum that is Croydon itself, a gasping monotonous void of bare existence where occupational therapists roam in desperate hope of an exit since 1977."

"SNRRRK!"

Jane struggled to restrain a sudden snort which made Thomas give her a strange look. "S-sorry, sorry just...reminded me of something hmhmhmhahahaha...ohhhh alright Andrea go and ask them your questions."

"Firstly," began Andrea, "how many states are there in the USA?"

"Fifty," said the dog.

"NO WAIT!" cried the rabbit. "C-can I phone a friend?!"

"Max nobody watches that show anymore get with the times."

"No YOU'RE the weakest link, goodBYE!"

"Anyways it's fifty."

"Who is the current president of the United States?" asked Dixon.

"Wait wait wait wait hold on," started Jane turning towards her. "What's with all these American-centric questions?"

"I wrote these in the event of meeting people from an alternate-Earth."

"But they have to be ALL American-based, really?"

"Yeah yanno whut she's right," added Holt with a finger waving, "why not sum questions about Britain?!"

"Why only those two countries?" replied Kevin. "You guys weren't the only empire in the world you know."

"You wot mate?!"

"Kevin this is not a jingoism contest," said Brightman.

"OOOH I LOVE JINGO!" squealed Max. "The last time we played it we managed to get it all the way up to TWICE the height of the Space Needle!"

"No that is Jenga," said Oddclaw.

"How the hell do YOU know what Jenga is?" asked Thomas.

"Kevin played it with me, and Ade and Bose."

"Okay we're all getting sidetracked here," stated Dixon, "I'm sorry that my questions did not include the rest of the world, but as me and Major-General Brightman are the main authorities on this base-"

"OH, BLOODY TYPICAL!" shouted Holt with hands raised up in arms. "Fuckin' Americans even when you lot were in the bloody war you take all thuh credit!"

"I WAS NOT SAYING THAT JEREMY!"

"YOU BASTARDS DID FUCK ALL 'TIL THUH BLOODY JAPS SHIT ON YER PRECIOUS LITTLE BEACH-"

"[i]SERGEANT HOLT THAT IS ENOUGH![/i]" screamed Jane. "IF YOU WANT TO GET PERSONAL YOU CAN LEAVE THIS ROOM NOW BECAUSE THAT IS [i]NOT[/i] ACCEPTABLE!"

"OH AYE, LIKE WHEN YOU DRAGGED ME FROM ME FUCKIN' TIME PERIOD AN' DROPPED ME IN MY OWN ROOM LIKE YER OWN [i]FUCKIN' PET GERBIL!?[/i]"

"WE TOOK FULL RESPONSIBILITY AND LOOKED AFTER YOU!" shouted Thomas.

"OH, FER ONCE YOU ENGLISH-SPEAKING TWATS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY WELL COLOUR ME FUCKIN' SHOCKED! Rydych chi wedi cywiro gwifrau'r fyddin-"

"DON'T HIDE BEHIND YOUR WORDS YOU WELSH BASTARD!" Brightman shoved Holt with a small fit. "YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME THEN TELL IT TO ME LIKE A MAN!"

"[i]DO NOT TOUCH HIM![/i]" shrieked Oddclaw getting between both men and pushing Brightman back. "DO NOT HIT MY FRIEND OR I WILL FIGHT YOU!"

"YOU KEEP OUT OF THIS, THIS IS A HUMAN MATTER!"

"I AM YOUR AMBASS-SIDOR, AND JEREMY IS MY FRIEND YOU SOUR KANGAROO!"

"YOU CALL ME THAT ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL THROW YOU INTO THE BRIG YOU LITTLE TURD-"

[b][i]BHHHUUUUUUUUUUUU!!![/i][/b]

The violent shriek of an airhorn sent the humans and raptor reeling with fright and ears ringing with a deafening noise as they clutched their heads. Some of them were even crouching on the floor shivering from the aural pain.

"I knew this would come in handy," said Sam wielding the airhorn.

"And we only had to spend three days of illegal entry to get it," said Max with a proud grin, "all to get one Walmart store clerk a false ID to enter a navy base and steal a small biplane full of C4 to blow up an aircraft carrier."

"Max that was on NCIS, we just got this from Bosco down the street."

"OH, right."

"Sorry for the airhorn folks, but uh you guys were really getting off-track."

"It's...fine," murmured Jane with a slight dizziness, "g-god...that was loud."

"Only the finest of American products!"

"Made in Mexico City!" squealed Max. "SO uhhhh do we get more questions, cuz I really want that new boat."

"Wait, who said anything about a boat?" asked Dixon leaning against the table with sore ears.

"Uhhhh...you did?"

"......okay, first off, guys I'm very sorry about the list I made, I was really going off on my own knowledge but I should have consulted this sort of thing with you."

"Awww it's fine pet," said Holt sheepishly rubbing his hair, "and uh, sorry about whut ah said, that were a real low blow."

"It was," added Thomas, "but I forgive you. And also Oddie for calling me names again."

"I am sorry," said the raptor fidgeting with his claws as the aggression deflated from the room, "I should not have called you that."

"It's fine. Now...mister Sam, Max, my apologies on behalf of the T.E.A.R for that uh...affair see, we have been stranded in this time period for at least a decade-and-a-half so I hope you can excuse us."

"Ohhh it's fine," replied Sam putting away his horn in his coat pocket, "me and Max have been through that sorta thing ourselves, anyways what was this question you wanted to ask?"

"OH, yes."

Dixon brought out a small list of questions she had tucked away in her breast pocket, showing it to her friends as they muttered and corrected a few of the general knowledge tester questions with a few scribbles and such. Once they were satisfied with the questionnaire, she re-asked her second one.

"Who is the current president of the United States?"

"...he is," said Sam thumbing to Max.

"Wait, what?!"

"AND on my second term!" cried the rabbit. "I've been holding out on a third, but stillll kinda dealing with that whole 'nobody can be elected for a third term' schtick so, I'm gonna swap my body with Sam's, or maybe another lagomorph!"

"I...a-are you...serious, you, YOU'RE the president of-"

"Didn't you lot elect that Ronnie Reagan once fer president?" asked Holt.

"Um, yes, we did."

"Aw I loved him in King's Row, he were great, ah mean if you lot can hire an actor whut's wrong with this lad?"

"He's a rabbit."

"And what's wrong with THAT?!" barked Max with hands behind his back. "This kind of discrimination is EXACTLY why I became president, to end discrimination to all Lapine-Americans and to ensure we get better jobs, better education, to determine a future for us beyond that of Maybelline testing factories and trash dumpsters behind the PETA offices!"

"Actually," corrected Sam, "we made you president to stop the reanimated evil statue of Abraham Lincoln from winning the polls."

"...I think we can confirm they're not from our world," said Thomas with the careful slow nod one makes around schizophrenics, "and I think after THAT rather lengthly process, we can start getting down to brass tacks."

"I prefer tiddlywinks myself but if it's all the same to you Major-General, I'd like to get down to our mission brief."

"Right...well, okay then what's your purpose here and who are those two goons we have in the brig?"

"Well firstly, you got a computer with a USB port we can use?"

A few minutes later Jane brought in a laptop that was clean of any data, mostly used for experimental software technology so as not to cripple any of their current devices in use. She placed it on the table for everyone to see and started it up as Sam walked forwards to explain.

"We've been tracing a signal through what at first seemed to be a Youtube troll account."

"The SECOND-worst kinda troll!" chirped Max.

"Well at least SOME things are the same," tittered Addison.

"Can say the same about Tumblr," replied Kevin.

"Or Facebook," said Andrea.

"Or Twitter," added Thomas.

"Izzat not supposed to mean 'boob-tube'?" asked Holt. "And whut you mean by a troll account?"

"I'll explain later," replied Jane.

"Now before we start," said Sam, "are any of you prone to epileptic seizures?"

"No," said Brightman, "though I can't speak for Oddie."

"He's not," replied Jane, "I checked."

The dog pulled out a USB drive shaped like an eggplant and put it into the laptop. Two videos were on it as Sam clicked the first one to start, presenting the gang with what could only be described as a bizarre seven minutes of horrendously-warped editing. Violently-clashing images of 70s sitcoms and old cartoons, audio put into other people's mouths to imply foul language, mismatched colours and wildly-inconsistent volume that went from badly-quiet to horribly-loud. Everytime one of them would protest, Sam put a finger up to bade them silence.

Jane was frightened, Kevin was confused, Thomas was disgusted but Andrea, Jeremy and Oddclaw had much different reactions. The scientist burst out laughing at a crazy-haired professor's head being photoshopped onto a boxing duck; the war veteran cackled throughout an entire segment of autotuned screams from a superhero that formed a song; and lastly the raptor gave a wild shrieking guffaw at a bizarre series of beeping noises coming from a cute little goat. Once the video was over, Sam patiently turned towards the audience as if expecting a revue.

"...WHAT. The fuck was that?!" asked Kevin on behalf of his team.

"A message," explained Sam with finger raised studious, "hidden inside a seemingly-random video mashup of various copyrighted clips from popular media."

"The very HEIGHT of humour back in 2009!" boasted the rabbit.

"Okay but WHAT message," cried Jane, "and why were you all laughing?!"

"HMHMHAH!" squeaked Dixon. "HMHOHOHOS-s-s-sorry, sorry I just th-tha-one-bi-HOOHAHAHA th-that duck and, the head, was so HUGE HMHMHMhmhmhm!"

"Ahdunnowhyitwuzsofunny," gasped Jeremy in one breath, "th-thuh-thing, thuh, he wuz all lahk aa-AA-[i]AAAA-aa-[b]aaaah[/b][/i] kheeheehaha!"

Jane did not get an answer from Oddie who was still laughing until tears rolled out of his eyes. The general rolled his hands once with insistence.

"And this...'message' is what, exactly mister detective?"

"A cry for help in the language of the Sasquatch tribe," stated the dog, "through which I am thankfully proficient in."

"Sasquatch, really? Alright that's it, this is complete bull."

"No I swear!"

"I know a cockended story when I hear one and you two are nothing but jokers!"

"Oh yeah?!" Max jumped up onto Sam's head to stare Thomas down from above. "How do ya know when you ain't never heard of us before?! I mean I'm the freakin' president, you REALLY oughta know who your Commander-in-Chief is, MISTER modern major-general!"

"I was born in Roswell," said Thomas jabbing a finger at the rabbit's gut, "I know when something's bullshit after my parents flogged that kinda crap in the nineties."

"Ooooh what they hock, friendship bracelets from Sigma-six?!"

"You are wasting my time and unless you can prove you have a mission right now, I am forcing you off our base at gunpoint."

"Hey hey easy now," Sam said with hands raised in peace, "we were just getting to our point, now someone's life hangs in the balance and sure we don't need yer help, but we're in the middle of prehistoria and I'm sure you guys would want somebody up in yer corner too."

"Just get to the point," added Jane with arms crossed, "we have our own mission too."

"Fair enough ma'am." The dog tipped his hat politely causing Max to fall off and hit the floor. "We decoded the message and here is what it says."

He clicked on the second video which started similar to the first one, but was much shorter in length as everything seemed to speed up at four times its pace revealing a morbid voice twisting in the static.

[b][i]wHeRe_iS___sHHhhhHhE-my[/b] dad ate everything when he went-[b]Up in fLaMeS-s-s-soOO gO__oD tO fEeL P A I N i-i-it hRu_huRtS when[/b] i can't feel mY sKiN-[b]pLeAs_s-sS-S-st-st-STOP[/b]-LaUgH-[b]la_augh-smiLin_g aT mE-[/b]trAppEd inSiDe seventeen-b_ox-sets-[b]aLL-aLo_Ne_and-spOnSoReD-by-tHosE wHo[/b] -DeSTroYeD my HoPeS oF rELieF-[b]sAvE mE f-fUnNymAn[/b][/i]

The video stopped as they all stared at an image transfixed within rigid scanlines one would see in an old 90s TV. A face was trapped in the image showing a strange-snouted beast with bulging black eyes and a pale ghostly complexion with colour drained out of the contrast.

"Christ that's terrifying," mumbled Holt.

"What WAS that a J-horror movie?!" stammered Kevin.

"Whoever sent us this distress signal," said Sam stroking his long dog ear, "we don't know who it is but they crafted their signal in such a way as to reach out to us. Through our own bizarre linguistic talents and world-wide knowledge, it came down to us to receive it!"

"It popped up on my recommended videos," said Max, "i dunno why it did!"

"Didn't Youtube purge your account because your viewing choices somehow destroyed its algorithms?"

"They can't censor my tastes Sam! Iif I wanna watch Bob Saget violently assault people with pillows in a Bed Bath and Beyond for the next sixteen hours straight, then who's to stop me!?"

"Apparently Google, but in any case, that's our goal, to find whoever sent this signal and rescue them from the nefarious clutches of whatever villain is holding them. And those two jackalopes down in the brig know who that's gonna be."

"I see." Thomas nodded with a calm finger prodding against his cheek in ponderment. "And you said this signal came from our world? Andrea have we had any strange activity in the past few days?"

"Yes actually." Dixon brought out a factsheet from a deeper pocket in her coat. "So, I finally figured out how the anomalies work. Just to explain to our new friends, every once a year we have dimensional anomalies bringing in otherworldy elements to this place."

"Sounds fun!" said the rabbit.

"But we've been trying to figure out what exactly causes it and I have a working theory. Last year, May 29th, we had an entire island arrive to us. The year before that, April 10th, we had two terrorist groups and half a development base. Before that, February 23rd, four ships came down from the sky."

"I do not un-derstand," replied Oddie scratching his head.

"Before THAT, when you were still in our base the year before, January 8th I managed to make brief contact with someone from another world, through the gate. Now, Thomas, can you explain the significance of those dates?"

"They were all during the occurrence of a Supermoon," explained Brightman. "As something of a hobbyist with astronomy I tend to keep track of a lot of star patterns and the lunar cycle."

"OH, WAIT!" Oddclaw started hopping with excitement with a flash of light in his eyes. "M-moonclaw, she...YES, you are right!"

"Huh?"

"Moonclaw, I remember her saying when the island appeared, it-no...no, I was telling Barkclaw about the moon, the night before the island appeared, the moon was BIG in the sky!"

"Exactly! Every time an anomaly has happened, the moon is at its perigee or rather the closest distance to Earth."

"I didn't know the moon was eligible for Crufts!" said Sam smirking. "Wait until my aunt hears about this."

"...right, anyways me and Andrea decided to hammer out this theory of ours and we reason that somehow, our Third Energy gate has some sort of reaction with the moon's gravitational pull-"

"Because," continued Andrea, "the way the gate was set up means that it's oriented to the magnetic fields of the Earth. Every time the gate operates, it violently reverses the magnetic field back and forth in order to create a tear in the universe. Normally the earth reverses its magnetic field by itself over the course of eons to maintain its own field, but we managed to replicate the effect in a localised incident."

"So this gate," queried Sam, "is just a giant magnet and everytime the moon comes close it rips a new hole in the world to some other place?"

"Yes, basically."

"That's a lotta technobabble for just a portal, we just drove here."

"Wait drove?" asked Kevin.

"Yeah our car's back somewhere over there by the fields but it'll drive itself back to us."

"An actual...car, you...came here in a car?"

"Oh yeah we're just gonna wait here until it arrives, that okay with you?"

"Hahaha sure, sure you can wait until your chauffeur brings it round yeah." The scientist turned secretly to Thomas and twirled his finger beside his ear with a loopy look on his face, to which Brightman nodded with a smirk before replying:

"Were you not dragged to our world by an errant portal?"

"Nope," said Sam, "we came here of our own will tracking this signal."

"I cannot possibly believe you came here by your own means," said Andrea with hands on her hips, "I mean, not to be rude but you don't look like the sort of people capable of interdimensional travel."

"Boy you really don't got a lot of faith in your president huh?!" said Max. "I mean, I KNOW I replaced the entire senate with jelly beans but things get done a lot FASTER now!"

"Yeah," replied the dog, "and we've managed to successfully reduce Eldritch Crimes Against Humanity down from one-hundred-percent STRAIGHT to zero. Heck we didn't even use any of the budget!"

"And what DID you use the budget for?" asked Kevin still rolling his eyes.

"Steam summer sales!" cried Max. "I bought every single American a copy of Undertale, then made ownership of the game mandatory under pain of torture!"

"Wha-t-torture?! The fuck you do, send them to Guantanamo?!"

"Oh no, I got rid of that place!" The rabbit smiled proudly with a searing grin. "I subject all lawbreakers to punishment by a series of pranks which will occur randomly in their lives for as long as the sentence is due at any time and place, during which their humiliation is uploaded to Youtube for others to ridicule them, with a smug sense of superiority they can't achieve in their daily lives."

"I am quite certain that goes under the 'unusual' of 'cruel and unusual punishment' in the US constitution."

"Not if it's just a prank bro! If Youtubers can get away with psychological torture and public humilation of character, then so can I!"

"This world of yours is sounding less and less different from ours," mumbled Thomas with a hand to his forehead, "but in any case, will you require assistance with your rescue operation?"

"No need," said the dog detective, "we got this covered and since this is a freelance police matter we would rather not involve the military."

"Why?"

"This is a covert operation sir, a military force would be rather counterintuitive when we're trying to keep a low profile. That's why we had to capture those goons, who we appreciate you keeping here whilst we pull some information out of 'em."

"I brought my pliiiierrrrrs!" gleamed Max with sadistic grin.

"I must stress that torture is not condoned here in this base," replied Jane crossing arms with a scowl. "Whatever laws you might have written, MISTER president, this base operates by the laws of the Geneva Convention."

"WH-WHAT!?"

"Protocol One, Article Thirty-Five, no weapons that cause superfluous injury or unnecessary suffering."

"A-AUUUUGH Saaaaaaaam!"

"Sorry li'l buddy," replied Sam with a shrug, "rules are rules when travelling across dimensions."

"GAAAH, this is the worst Hanukkah ever!"

"You don't even celebrate it, also it's not for another five months!"

"Exactly, that's why THIS one is the worst!"

"Why don't we just get you two settled?" added Jane. "Once you're ready to interrogate your suspects you can head on with your own mission."

"Much appreciated ma'am," replied Sam tipping his hat softly, "mind giving us the grand tour?"

"Of course, this way please."

Oddclaw followed after curious of the two newcomers whilst Thomas, Kevin and Andrea headed back to their respective workplaces. The scientists spoke along with the Major-General conferring on their new guests.

"What do you think?" began Kevin.

"They don't seem to be lying," replied Thomas, "but that could just mean they believe their own insanity."

"I won't know fully until we get our radar's results," said Dixon, "it'll help corroborate their story if they even have one."

"That video they showed us was definitely something."

"They could have made it themselves, make sure you wipe that laptop clean in case of any infections."

Following after the dog and the rabbit, Oddclaw caught a note of their scents, Sam having a mixture of cool mint and musty fur whilst Max smelt like blood covered in dust despite being clean as a whistle. It was a disturbing scent that contrasted wildly with the rabbit's hyper-optimistic nature. They were shown around the residential areas, the cafeteria, the rec room and of course the library where Anna was chewing on some fruit whilst reading the works of PG Wodehouse.

"Anna, hello?" started Jane. "I have some new friends of ours."

"Freelance police," said Sam with a curtsy of his hat."

"Ohhhh, police?" said Anna not even looking at them. "Can I help you?"

"No just looking around the facilities, nice place you got here."

"Thank you, though there is some filth in the doorway at the moment."

"ANNA!" cried Addison.

"Sam, she called us filth!" squawked Max.

"Well you don't bathe often," replied Sam.

"I can't help it! Everytime I look in the bath I see my sins crawling up my back!"

"You know maybe we should stop buying you that soap from the hippie commune, I'm starting to worry that your sense of reality is already turning more fragile than it is."

"Moreso!"

"Why would you call them that?!" stammered Jane.

"Pardon?" The old woman looked up with a start and chortled knowingly. "Ohoho I'm sorry, I did not realise you were standing there I meant of course some dust that's lining the doorjamb dear."

"Oh...o-oh well, I...that's alright then."

The two detectives looked at each other before Sam stepped up towards the counter pointing at her book.

"Ahhhh, Jeeves and Wooster."

"You've read them?" said Anna.

"No but Max enjoys British comedy so we've watched the series."

"Oh well that's alright then."

"So you're the librarian?"

"Yes, well, I am the one working in a library."

"You got a good book to recommend to us? Well, for me rather."

"Hmmmm yes I think I do let me just, get, over here."

Kerkorian placed down her book with a bookmark between its pages and headed over towards the classical section. She reached her hands up towards one shelf which in turn lifted up the hem of her shirt revealing her lower back towards the newcomers. Much to Jane and Oddie's shock, she had a tattoo on her lower back where the words [b]FUCK THE POLICE[/b] had been scrawled elaborately in a cursive font and framed within a portrait.

"Heeeere you go dear, Catch-22 by Joseph Heller, a very funny read."

"Ooooh nice!" said Sam with a hearty smile. "I always wanted to read this. Thank you ma'am!"

"Do you read often?"

"Mostly cereal packets, or reading twitter posts out to Max since his attention span only lasts for about sixty characters."

"Mmmm I suppose you buy newspapers for the comics then?" chirped Anna snarkily.

"Pfft nobody buys newspapers anymore," jabbered Max clawing a finger between his teeth, "we've got blogs now! They're like newspapers except the writers get paid even LESS!"

"Well I hope you have fun dears, now I must get back to my reading and I'm sure you two are very busy."

"Let's find you both a room to stay in," said Addison, "we have plenty space for guests so if you'll just follow me."

The dog and rabbit left with Oddclaw lagging behind to look towards Anna's rigid pose. She sighed coolly whilst she turned the page before he walked over to ask:

"Are you alright miss Kerkorian?"

"Hmm?"

"You...you smell angry."

"Ohoho, do I?"

"You do not like Sam and Max?"

"I don't trust the police dear..." she turned her head to him peering over her half-moon spectacles, "including the canine units."

"Why?"

"Let's just say that I've had some rather...unsavoury encounters with them."

"Un...say-vurry?"

"Never mind, don't worry about it Oddie. Just watch yourself around them, you should never give a man that much power over people."

"Did they burn you?"

"Burn?"

"The mark, on your body."

"OH! Hohono no that's just an old tattoo Oddie."

"A tah-tuu?"

"Come and look."

She let him walk round the counter to show it more clearly, lifting up the back of her shirt as he smelt a very thin old trace of fire from it.

"What is that?" he asked.

"A tattoo," explained Anna, "is a mark made out of ink that humans put into their skin."

"Oh. Why?"

"Some do it to look different from other humans. Others do it as a rite of passage to show they are no longer children but now adults. And others like me...is to make sure that I and others never forget those we loved."

"Loved? Did your family die?"

"No...no, not like that. Sorry I, just remembered I have to do something."

Anna pulled down her shirt and went into her room, locking the door behind her as Oddie stared curiously at the brisk change of scent she had. He knew not to push things further when humans wanted solitude as he left the library to find their new guests.

The raptor found them in a spare room with Max jumping on a bed to wildly headbutt against the ceiling, whilst Sam sat on a chair starting to read the first chapters of Catch-22.

"Hello," the raptor said with a wave.

"BANZAIIII!" The rabbit bounced from his trampoline and onto Oddie's head causing him to shriek.

[i]"A-AAAAH, GET OFF!"[/i]

"Oooh pebbly, like a Russian senator's feet!"

"G-GET, OFF PLEASE!"

"Max get down from him," said the dog, "don't make me start quoting Raptor Red to you again."

"YECH, no THANKS!"

The lagomorph backflipped off of Oddie who rubbed his head to clean off the shedding fur, pouring a small white shower like dandruff from his scalp.

"D-do not jump on my head please!" insisted Odd.

"What it looked so SHINY from above I just had to feel it!"

"My head is not shiny!"

"Yanno, you look REALLY familiar." Max flumped his back onto the bed with a semi-bounce. "Didn't you once bite Kermit the Frog?"

"I-i-no, who is that?"

"Eh doesn't matter, so! When we gonna deal with them perps Sam?!"

"Maybe after two chapters," said the dog thumbing through his book, "this Major Major guy's real interesting."

"But, Saaaaaaaaam I wanna smoke sum fools!"

"They're not going anywhere Max...hmmm..."

Sam closed the book upon catching sight of Oddclaw's face, scrutinising him curiously with a finger scratching at his chin.

"Yanno you DO look familiar," said the dog "didn't you once wear blue eyeshadow?"

"Or share a charged sexual chemistry with Chris Pratt on set?!"

"I...do not know?" asked Oddie not entirely convinced himself.

"I GOT IT!" Sam clicked his fingers with a sudden zeal in his eyes. "Max, remember that murderer we put in an asylum."

"The Shropshire Slasher?!" cried Max.

"No the OTHER guy, the one who gutted that cat!"

"OH YEAH!"

The rabbit joined him as they stared at the raptor with an intense look. Before he could think of leaving Max had bolted past him and locked the door with a button press as Oddclaw tensed his hands.

"What are you doing?! If you fight me I will kill you!"

"Relax we're not gonna hurt ya!" said the dog with hands up. "We just wanna look at ya."

"Yeah and also maybe check the colour of your blood!" said Max. "Hey, dontcha got that blood thingy on ya!?"

"Oh yeah you're right!"

Rustling a hand into his deep pockets, Sam pulled up a rather strange-looking creature that resembled a mouse with leathered wings who wore a red leotard and green mask over its eyes. The little beast made a squeaking yawn before rubbing its eyes with the clawed tips of its wings as Oddclaw backed away hearing the thing speak.

"Mmmmwwhhhaaaah...morning fellers."

"Mornin' Robin," said Sam.

"That is a raw-bin?" asked the raptor.

"No that's my name," said the bat, "it's short for Ribonuclease, my parents were dyslexic. Who are you?"

"I am Oddclaw. What are you?"

"Uhhh, a bat? I hang with these guys ever since they helped out Manbat years ago, yanno, for police work and stuff."

"You remember the dino from that Arkham case Robin?" asked Sam. "I need you to compare his sample with this one's."

"Sure," replied Robin, "after all I never forget a taste!"

"G-get away from me!" The raptor was not willing as he reached for his gun.

"Woah woah WOAH, no need to get all shooty on us pal."

"Why?!"

"Because Max already took some from ya when your back was turned."

"Wha-HUH?!"

It was then that Oddie smelt a fresh glint of blood from behind him as he rubbed his hand along his back. Clear red on his fingers as Max wiggled a small vial of raptor blood in his hand which, before its owner could protest, was soon guzzled down by the bat in a hefty chug like it was cheap wine.

"GLLLK...gllllk...hhhhmmmmm..." The bat smacked his fanged lips. "Zingy, not unlike a burnt sienna with just a hint of black pepper."

"Wh-what did you DO?!" squawked Oddie. "S-stop drinking my blood!"

"Oh you're fine it's just a teeny sample you're not gonna die!"

"I do not LIKE when someone takes my blood!"

"But you know, it...it DOES taste familiar...mmmmmyeaaaaah...got that sorta...hhhmmmm...I can say with an eighty-percent probability that this guy is related to that of James Campbell."

"Really?!" Sam looked towards the offended raptor whose green eyes tensed into a pair of slits. "Well...whaddaya know, there's the look I remember now. Maybe not the fiery yearning for lustful violence like James had, but you never let us down yet Robin."

"All in a day's work," said the bat cheerfully with a bow of his head, "is that all ya need?"

"Yep, you just head on back to sleep, we'll finish our mission soon."

"Alright, g'night all. Nice to meetcha too dino boy."

The bat buried himself back into Sam's pockets as the duo turned towards Oddclaw who stood more confused than angry by this point, twitching his head between them until the canine spoke.

"Do you perhaps have any family relations like say, a father who previously committed acts of feline foul play?"

"What?" said Oddie cocking his head.

"He's asking if yer dad killed any cats lately!" translated Max.

"I...I do not know. My father left us when I was young."

"He left his KID too?! Man that rap sheet is pilin' up, first feline assault, then abandoning two police officers in the line of duty and now child neglect!"

"You know your dad's name at all kid?" asked the dog.

"Oddscar," said the raptor. "Do you...did, did you know my father?!"

"We met SOMEONE that looked a lot like ya, and our friend Robin here says you got the same blood as him."

"But, how?! What did he look like?!"

"He had brown scales and purple marks on his snout like a bad Neopets ripoff."

"And green eyes like yours!" added Max.

"TH-THAT IS MY FATHER!" he shrieked. "That...mother said he had my eyes and markings, what colour were they?!"

"Purple!"

"What...colour is that, raptors do not have a word for that."

"What, c-come on it's purple! Nurple, like a twisted pipple."

"Max what did I tell you about spoonerisms?" said the dog pulling hard on the rabbit's ear and squeezing it until it turned a shade of violet. "The guy we met had THIS colour of markings."

"YES, YES!" screamed Odd. "M-mother told me it was that colour, you met him?! You met my f-father!"

"We found him on a street." Sam released Max from his grip to send him pinballing under the bed. "We arrested him for murder but we never found the body."

"Murder? He...he killed someone?"

"He admitted it, his hands were red like the tiny fists of a hotel business CEO and he couldn't prove a thing."

"Either for OR against his case!" said Max under the bed.

"We tried to put him in an asylum, but we ended up inside too cuz it's a long story that feels almost like six maybe seven years ago but was actually more like twenty-seven."

"Twen-tee-seh-ven..." the raptor tried to do the math in his head in converting human to raptor with much a struggle. "I have to ask Jane, raptor numbers are different."

"You get your own numbers?! Criminy, why don't we get our own numbers Max?"

"YEAH!" shouted Max bursting himself free from the darkness like a furry hermit crab. "I wanna have Octeenite!"

"Make mine Benniseken."

"Can we go stick it to those perps now Sam?!"

"Okayyy, but no pliers! When we get home we'll find some punk lobbyist and you can put the pliers on them."

"YAAAAY!"

"WAIT!" Oddclaw grabbed for Sam's arm with restrained claws on the sleeve whilst Max opened the door. "T-tell me, tell me about my father, please!"

Sam turned his head slowly with a slight hesitance in his eyes.

"You really wanna know?"

"I...I always...wanted to meet him. Mother told me he was a hero, that he saved my tribe from...awful things. But she loves him, she would...she would not tell me everything, she has told me everything that she wants to believe, I want to know from others what he was like! I know he came from another world, he met my mother and left me behind and all I want to know is WHY!"

"Alright sheesh calm down...why don't I tell you on the way to the brig?"

"Okay. Thank you Sam."

"Don't thank me yet, wait until I tell you what you wanna hear."

"SAAAAAAAM!" Max's voice came from outside the room. "COME ON MY FINGERS ARE [i]SCREAMIN'[/i] FOR SOME FLESH TO SQUEEZE!"

"Come on Odd, have I got some chronicles to tell you!"

Curious and frantic, the raptor followed behind the Freelance Police towards the holding cells as Sam did his best to explain their past adventures. Much of it Oddclaw did not understand with various bizarre references and odd in-jokes with the occasional segue into acts of random violence. But the little that Oddclaw did understand was this:

"Your father fell into our world and we took him back to our office to interrogate why he had blood on his hands. Without a body we couldn't prove it, so we took him to an asylum but we all got roped in due to a mistaken identity. We escaped and managed to take down the guy running things but uh we lost sight of your dad round the end."

"Why?" asked Oddclaw leaning forwards in his walk.

"There was a uhhhh...sorta cave-in, but I think he managed to get out, couldn't find him. After how we sorta assumed he was a killer I think he took his chances and made his escape."

"So, you think he is still alive?"

"Oh yeah sure he was a pretty tough guy, the kind who always wanted you to keep your distance or else he'd bite your nose off."

"What was my father like?"

"Hmmmm..."

Sam stroked his head just below the brim of his hat feeling the sweat run down his sides. The more he stared into Oddclaw's eyes of beaming wonder the more he felt like the villain of a Christmas movie.

"He was...reckless but spirited, he'd always run right into combat or danger ready to fight anyone who wanted one. One time he saved a guy's life from a killer cat, a monster that was about to kill this young recruit, but he fought him one-on-one whilst the poor guy escaped."

"Really?! By himself?!"

"Oh yeah sure, he was brave to a point, but he was brave enough to fight himself through a teeming army of rats, side by side with us to free the asylum from the mad clutches of their gruesome leader!"

Oddclaw gasped with mouth agape, feeling a swell in his heart as he beamed with smiling joy and a sense of pride that suddenly compelled him to hug Sam tightly.

"Thank you."

"H-huh?!"

"I...thank you, Sam. I...I am very happy to hear my father is still...still who my mother thinks he is."

"Ehhh yeah, anytime kiddo."

He smiled gingerly as Oddclaw released him from the hug, before they reached the prison of the base. The prison had been expanded also with the rest of the base, having several holding cells guarded by two armed soldiers with a more finite security system showing cameras on each cell, as Max and Sam fished out their badges.

"Freelance Police," said the mutt, "we're here to interrogate the goons we took in."

"Uhhh sorry," said one guard with his hand up, "can't let you in without a senior military official."

"Huh?"

"But we CAUGHT them!" ranted Max. "You gettin' in between my fingers an' their necks, GI Joe?!"

"Security reasons," replied the soldier, "we got a bigger base now and we gotta make sure nobody slips through the cracks, not after that Plague Knight incident."

"I will get someone," said Oddclaw, "I will be back soon."

"You better hurry," said Sam, "I don't like the look in Max's palms."

The raptor hurried off to find someone with enough authority whilst the dog and rabbit leaned up against the wall to try and take their minds off waiting. Max paced himself back and forth as if digging a trench with his feet, his hands behind his back desperately trying to strangle the other's wrists to sate his peaking bloodlust, before something occurred to him.

"Hey, Sam, why didntcha tell him?!"

"Tell him what?" said Sam trying to unravel a yo-yo's string.

"That dino you were talkin' to, you said nuthin' about his dad runnin' off like a coward whining about how we'd never stop the Daleynium in time to save us all!"

"Max didn't ya listen to him?"

"No!"

"The poor kid idolises his dad, he calls him a hero!"

"So what, his dad left us to rot! That's MY job not his!"

"I can't shatter the dreams of a noble-hearted wild child who stood by us against thugs in the heat of battle, that would be just cruel."

"Need I remind you about the choices of cruel OR unusual punishment?!"

"Yes, but I also supposit that you already committed unusual punishment when you stole his blood without consent."

"Wha-huh!? Oh. Huh, yeah I guess he was pretty upset about that, welp that's good enough for me!"

Max slapped his hands in satisfaction of a job well done as the sound of clacking clawed feet indicated Oddclaw's return with Jeremy in tow. The moustached sergeant gave a little dip of his head to the two before walking up to the soldiers and waving his ID.

"Alrigh' lads, how's thuh two ruffians 'andling it?"

"They've been pretty quiet sir," said one guard, "not a peep out of 'em just sittin' up at the wall readin' books"

"Aw well thas good then, alrigh' open 'er up it's time fer a round o' negotiations."

The door opened into the cell area showing a row of five rooms behind bars, two of which had the thugs separated as they sat up against the wall sleeping with books in their hands.

"EY, wake up lads, time fer you to talk. ...oi, lads, git yer arses up!"

There was nothing from the mobsters. No sign of movement, not even a lift of the head as Holt pulled out a shotgun with Oddie, Sam and Max all taking their weapons out too when Jeremy opened one of the doors. He nudged the prisoner's shoulder as he slumped completely to splay out on the floor, before disappearing into a vicious hissing static that outlined his body briefly. The other prisoner followed suit with a screeching sound leaving only their books as the guards waved their guns around the room.

"WH-WOT, WOT THUH BLOODY 'ELL 'APPENED!" cried Holt.

Sam walked into the cell and picked up the book the thug had been holding. He hurried to the other cell to find the exact same book.

"Great Gin Rummy Prize Pot of John Galt, they must have bored themselves to death!"

"H-how, wait, HOW do you know that?!" cried one soldier.

"They had copies of Julian Barnes' seminal classic 'A History of the World in 10 1/2 Chapters'. Somehow they knew we would try and take them alive."

"How...is that even possible?!"

"I'd tell you to read this to find out but I don't wanna be responsible for any more casualties."

"Unintentional ones that is!" cried Max slapping his hands on his head. "Now what are we gonna do?! I was all SET to wring up a fool!"

"Hmmm...does this base have some sort of radar or long-distance scanner?"

"Aye," replied Holt, "been tryin' to upgrade ours but it's very finickity."

"Maybe we can help, if we can somehow triangulate it to this static residue they left behind we might be able to find out where this villain's base is!"

After explaining the situation to Andrea and Brightman, the soldier and the physicist lead the two detectives towards the new-and-improved radar room, one of the few rooms actually above ground level of the base. A dark circular space half-ringed by a giant console composed of various computers, most of which had the emblem of a moustached man scrawled out and rebranded by the T.E.A.R's logo. Oddclaw had never noticed the humans' marking before on their property, a crackling globe partially shattered by electrical disturbance as two hands cupped the earth from underneath trying to hold it together.

The dark room was glowing with green lights of various intensities, flickering screens showing circles radiating out with a mapping chart of the entire island viewed from above. Several robots manned the controls as a steady almost soothing beep permeated throughout the room.

"Hey boss," replied one monkeybot turning his head halfway.

"How's our status?" asked Dixon.

"Ehhh not bad, still reworking this thing to try an' expand our search. Until we get like markers placed out further that give us a feedback we're pretty short-sighted in reaching as far as halfway across the desert."

"Damn...don't suppose we got any spare radio markers from your old boss hmm?"

"I dunno, the eggman didn't really bother with radio technology, he was just gonna hijack the wifi from other continents and steal their broadband to save time."

"Wow," said Sam, "was your old boss head of the FCC?"

"HAH!" barked Thomas suppressing a smile. "Not bad, but back to the matter at hand. We have a sample of static transmission...somehow, can you triangulate its point of origin?"

"I could try." The ape turned round in his swivel office seat to face the organics. "What's this sample exactly?"

The canine handed over a small test tube of fizzling static liquid, a shimmering monotone hiss that came constantly from within.

"Well that's different," said the robot monkey.

"The goons we picked up bled it out," said Max, "I'm pretty sure humans don't bleed that, and I know ALL seven things that humans bleed!"

"I admit I'm not up on my biology but, yeah, this is weird and I can kinda hear a signal from it. Lemme try something, but uh keep your lips shut I need to focus on hearing it."

Sam pulled out a length of duct tape to slap over Max's mouth, waiting with the humans and raptor for the result of the radar search, the ape putting headphones on and tweaking the dials of his glowing orb-windowed machine to decipher a possible lead. The cricketing hiss and shudder from inside the glass seemed to repeat a signal constantly, a scratching scraping sound like metallic paper being churned in a blender. Eventually a good sixteen minutes would pass until the ape suddenly sat up.

"I got sumthin'!"

"What?" asked Dixon leaning forwards with hands on the back of the seat.

"Some kinda signal, far west it matches the one we got here."

"Can you pinpoint it exactly?"

"Nope, I only hear a disturbance on the tracker which considering we're in a prehistoric time where radio signals SHOULDN'T exist-"

"Unless it's lightning or an astronomical object-"

"Right, but this one is different, it's a regular repeating signal almost like a beacon. I can't tell you where exactly it is cuz it's all transmitting outwards from its point, but I can at least tell you it's somewhere west."

"Most likely the Skylands, that's the best place to set up a signal."

"Why?" asked Oddclaw peering over their shoulders at the screen.

"Because radio signals can get blocked by mountains or trees in the way, if you build them up high the radio signals can travel through the air without being blocked."

"Ohhhhh, okay. So do we go to the Skylands?"

"We can't," said Thomas, "since the Freelance Police have rejected our assistance and we cannot force them to accept our help."

"Oh. But, you do not know the land, Sam and Max, I do."

"You do?" asked Sam.

"I was born here, I know all of the land, I climb the Skylands and I have friends there."

"I think that is a good idea," said the general patting Oddie's shoulder, "Oddclaw is our ambassador to the prehistoric world and as someone who can speak both English and the primal language of dinosaurs, he would be a great asset to you in navigating."

"He's like a scaly Tarzan!" cried Max. "But less copyright infringement!"

"Yeah he's got a gun!" said Sam. "Can't claim infringement on that, yanno we should take you along if you wanna help us."

"Would you like me to go with you?" asked the raptor.

"Sure, why not? A good guide would be useful, plus we saw you handle yourself pretty good back with those goons."

"Okay, I will go! But, I want to bring someone too."

"Really?"

"Yes, Jeremy."

"Wait wot?!" the soldier barked confused.

"You are a good fighter, we will need someone."

"Now 'ang on a tick dab, you wan' me to come with ya?"

"Yes! If Sam and Max do not mind."

"Only one guy?" said the rabbit. "What is he yer boyfriend?"

"Yes, he is my friend."

"Oh."

"U-um Oddclaw," remarked Jane, "that's not what boyfriend mea-"

"Course ahm his boyfriend!" Jeremy swung an arm round the raptor and gave him a noogie-rub on his head. "The two of us are bleedin' unstoppable, you'll 'ave no problem rescuin' this poor sod yer after with us two around!"

"Whatcha think Sam?" replied Max. "Should we really take a dinosaur and some British guy with us?"

"Can't think of a reason not to," said Sam.

"Ahm fuckin' Welsh you yankee shortarse," added Holt sternly.

"You should get that checked out," said the rabbit, "last time I had one of those my tail crawled all the way into my belly button!"

"....well, right uhhh shall we go?!"

"Sure, is our car here yet Sam?!"

"Should be pretty soon li'l buddy," said the dog, "why don't we check our inventories first before we head out?"

"OOH good idea, I think I saw some stuff that's not nailed down in our room!"

"Right behind ya."

The two detectives huddled off back to their room as Jeremy put his arm round the raptor and pulled him in line to walk with him.

"Right dab, you an' me are headin' back to mah room so's we can rest up a bit."

"Are we not going to have sex?"

"Mmmm ah don' think we 'ave enough time fer that, but lessee how it goes."

"I am very happy you are coming with us!"

"Yanno ah never thought you would pick me, whut with me bein' an old bugger an' such."

"But I trust you." The raptor nuzzled against his cheek with an arm round his shoulder in return. "If we want to help Sam and Max, I think it is good we have someone we can trust. I trust you, and you trust me."

"Ah sure do Odd. Come on, let's bunk up in mah room fer a bit."

"Okay but, OH! No, I have to go see Barkclaw, I promised him I would go home tonight."

"We'll sort it out now cummon."

Jane and Thomas stared at the odd couple walking out of the exit with the raptor's tail slinking from their view. A sigh came disapproving from Jane with a worried glum look and a hand to her cheek.

"Do you think it's right for them to be...so close?"

"I can hardly stop them," said the general, "Holt and Odd are both outcasts in some way or another so I guess it's no surprise they found each other."

"I just worry that our presence here has interfered with things too much. Like what if Oddie doesn't want to find a mate?"

"I wouldn't worry about that Addison." Thomas turned towards her fully as she looked up at him. "He has the heart of a beast. And no matter how much he enjoys our company he always wants to return back home to his family eventually. Let them enjoy each other's company, as weird as it is they're both reasonable adults and while I might not like it anymore than you do there is nothing we can do."

"Hmmm...you're right," said Jane sighing, "and at least Jeremy's found someone he can be content with. It just shouldn't BE, you know, I mean Oddclaw is not human fully, I don't-"

"Let's not get into semantics about this. You yourself wrote down the reports marking Odd as a sentient adult with human comprehension. You wanted me to treat him like any other human in the base with having him have assistant-level clearance, this is what you get. If I'm not gonna complain about it then neither should you."

"Yes. Yes, o-of course I shouldn't." The therapist walked out of the radar room with furrowed brow. "I just hope nothing goes wrong for them."