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One extremely long and agonizing month has passed since June 15th. It has been genuinely awful puppy... I think about you all the time and I miss you deeply. I am thankful that I'm finally past the point where I cry every day but it hurts just as bad. So much for time heals all wounds, eh? I still try to talk to you every day, obviously not through conventional means but I meditate and try to send you positive thoughts and tell you what's going on from day to day. Not that I think that actually works, but it makes me feel a little better when I'm down.

I spend a lot of my time thinking about how you're doing with all this. If you're okay, if things are still bad between you and your parents because of this. I have admittedly checked the obituaries in my darkest moments, hoping I wouldn't see your name. I should have faith that you're strong because you are, but it is a horrible fear of mine that the day I meet you will be because I'm standing over a grave... I had a boyfriend that committed suicide and ever since then it is something that always lingers in the back of my mind. However, I try not to think about it and be strong and I figure between the two of us we will have enough strength to make it through the years to come.

Also, since the night that I wrote that message I have not done any binge drinking. I had a moment of stupidity and weakness and I swear that I haven't done anything reckless since then. I'm doing my best to be respectable and be the man that I know you want me to be. That part is easier because all I have to ask myself is what would Conan think? I do have trouble sleeping through the night for multiple reasons. Sometimes I dream about you, other times I just can't get comfortable, I worry about work and Zeke and of course on the worst nights it's all of those combined. As such, I've been drinking a lot of things with caffeine in them (even water) and while I know it's not healthy either it does get me through the day.

As far as my days go, I've been throwing a lot of my effort into my job and it is paying off. All the ordering is going really smooth for all three restaurants and we have been holding steady with 5 star reviews which I think is mainly because we FINALLY have a good team put together and things have been going great there. I do find that there are times when I don't really care about my job though... It's never for a long time and I've always snapped out of it fairly quickly but it's just another effect of our situation.

I'd say the biggest effect is my relationship with Zeke... First off, we're still fine and I don't want you to think that you've caused any problems between us because you haven't puppy. That first week was really hard and I spiraled down pretty quickly... and Zeke didn't like seeing me like that. He admittedly said that he was jealous that someone his husband had never met could affect him so deeply. I can't say that I'd blame him for feeling that way. He knows that I love him and that I would never leave him but that's always something that floats around in the back of his mind. He still tells me that its fine and that if you're worth it I should wait, but he also reminds me that just because I choose to wait doesn't mean anything will come of it.

I don't doubt your loyalty or your feelings for a second Conan. I believe you completely that you love me and I love you back just as much... but I do wonder about the future now. Am I being selfish? Yeah, I know I am... I'm willing to wait for you but Zeke never got to know you the way I did. There may come a time when he wants us to try to meet someone new or even date... it honestly turns my stomach to think about it. I don't want anyone else to be with us except for you so I'll more than likely be a stick in the mud about the whole thing and even if we did decide to date someone, I know I wouldn't give them a fair chance. I know that's not fair to Zeke though... Then there's you. I'm not naïve, two years is a long time to be on your own. There is a great possibility that you could find someone closer to your own age that makes you just as happy as or even happier than I did. And in two years when I message you... if you found someone else what happens then? Would it throw your relationship into turmoil? Would you politely tell me that you found someone else?

I won't deny you or Zeke ANY amount of happiness. I want you both to be able to have a deep connection, to love someone and be loved back. You both deserve that and much more, but I can't help being selfish... I want Zeke to wait with me and hopefully forge a relationship with you. I want you to be there when I message you in 2 years... I want everything that you and I talked about before June 15th. I guess the only thing I can do is wait, which you know I will do because I feel deep in my heart that you are worth it. If Zeke wants to date someone, well I suppose I'll deal with that situation if and when it arises and if you find a nice guy that loves you and treats you like a prince, then I'll be very happy for you though a bit disappointed. But all of that are things that I will find out over the next 2 years. None of it deters me. I love you and Zeke too much to let either of you go like this. If nothing else, when the summer of 2019 rolls around we can at least finally have closure.

But I will never stop hoping for more. I love you so very much Conan and as far as I am concerned, you're still my boyfriend. I look forward to hearing everything that has happened since we last talked. I look forward to hearing your voice again in general. I think about you every day and I don't see that stopping. I do hope that we will reconnect and forge a new relationship with each other, I hope that you and Zeke connect the same way that you and I did, I hope that one day you move in with us and that sometime in the future, the three of us will stand together as one and take vows that will commit all of us to one another. All of these things I will continue to hope and dream for. I will never give up on this until I speak with again and find out your feelings on everything.

I hope you are able to read this and there will be another one for you to read next month. Be strong puppy, we can get through this all we need is patience and faith in one another. I love you very much Conan and I hope you are doing well. Hopefully, I'll see you soon.