Ander - Part 6: Subchapter 117
117
She didn't think it would be this hard.
The pathway stretched before her, bordered on both sides by rows of tents, turning it into an endless hallway. The ceiling was a black, starless sky and the walls were broken by innumerable gaps and crannies, almost completely invisible until you actually walked abreast of them. Wolf shadows crawled up her back (she could actually feel them as cold spots where the light of the fire did not reach) and stretched long across the snow-speckled ground, dancing around her own, and she already knew, before she even took a single step, that the light would grow weaker and weaker the deeper she went into that hallway.
It wasn't _completely_dark, though.
Wolves. Their eyes reflected the glow of the fires even where the light did not reach, creating disembodied orbs, perfectly round, floating in the emptiness of the night. They were huddled together in small groups of three and four, talking in hushed voices. They were standing in the gaps between the tents. They were sitting on barrels. Lying on the ground. But all of them, all of them were looking at her. Their eyes were nothing more than featureless spots of light, but she knew they were looking at her just the same.
They're looking at you, they know it was you, they hate you, can you feel how much they hate you?
Those eyes were just like Shekka's. Empty, yet full of hate.
I have to do this. I know I'm not like Ander, I know I can't just reach out and touch someone like he can, but I have to try. Even if it's only a little bit, even if it's something stupid and pointless like giving a cold Wolf a warm blanket, or a sad Wolf a friendly smile, if it's something I can do, then I have to do it. I have to do my part. I have to try to make up for all the bad floating around in this place, all the sadness, the anger, the grief. I have to try my hardest to try my best. I have to -
A hand touched down on her shoulder and Kiana nearly jumped right out of her skin, thinking that the grey Wolf from before still had a few grievances to share with her, but this was a completely different Wolf - a Wolfess actually - with sandy fur and bone piercings in her ears. Her leg was splinted and stuck out at a stiff angle.
"Have you seen my sister?" she asked, reaching out to Kiana with grabby fingers. "Have you seen Rika?"
Kiana shied away from those reaching hands on pure instinct, but she wasn't quite fast enough and the sandy Wolfess grabbed a double fistful of the front of her dress, and now Kiana could feel as well as see how badly she was shaking, how close to the edge she really was.
"I- I'm sorry," Kiana said, trying to stay calm with this massive Wolfess looming over her just like that horrid statue back in their village. "I don't know -"
"But you must know!" the sandy Wolfess insisted. "You're one of the witchdoctors, right? I've seen you! You must have treated her!"
"I- I don't -"
Her eyes suddenly brightened. "She looks a lot like me! A lot like me! Same fur! Just a bit taller! She has really long hair and she ties it back like this!" She demonstrated by pulling her hair back into a ponytail. "You must have seen her! I know you must have seen her! She stands out! Really tall, really long hair. You've seen her, right? You must have seen her!"
Kiana edged backwards in what she hoped was a subtle manner. "I'm very sorry, but I don't think I've seen a Wolfess like that tonight. My mother or sister might have -"
"No! You don't understand!" She lurched forward, limping very badly on her splinted leg, reaching out with shaking fingers. "She was right with me! Right with me in the pass! She was right next to me, we were holding hands, but then the snow came down and I tried to hold on but it was just too much and then she was gone! Please, you have to tell me where she is! Where is she!? Where did you put her!?"
Kiana backed away, throwing all notions of subtlety to the wind. There was something dangerously wrong with this Wolfess, and getting wronger by the second. "I'm very sorry," she said, holding her hands up in a placating gesture while also scanning the area for anyone who might be of help, preferably someone big and strong. There were a lot of Wolves around, but most of them weren't even looking this way, and the few who had turned their heads were only staring at them with sad, tired faces, probably coming to the same conclusion as Kiana - that this Wolfess's sister, this Rika, was probably dead, either lying underneath a tarp in the pass or still buried under twenty feet of snow and ice.
You should be ashamed of yourself, Kiana. Backing away from this Wolfess who clearly needs help. Didn't you tell Mother you'd try your hardest to try your best?
Kiana stopped, which took considerably more courage than she would have thought, because this Wolfess was still coming, throwing her splinted leg off to the side with every lopsided lurch, whimpering her sister's name.
"Rika! Just tell me where she is! Please!"
"I... I don't know where your sister is, but maybe I can help you?" She held out her hand. "Maybe we can look for her together?"
The Wolfess looked at Kiana's outstretched hand, her lips trembling, her eyes almost vibrating, rolling and jittering like loose beads inside her skull. Her tongue flicked over her dry, chapped lips. "No... no!" she said, practically unhinging from reality where she stood. "You're lying! Why are you lying to me!?"
"I- I'm not!" Kiana said, genuinely shocked. "I'm only trying to -"
She grabbed Kiana by the sleeve. "What did you do to my sister!?" she shrieked, spittle flying from her mouth and absolute madness dancing behind her eyes. "What did you do to Rika!?"
"I didn't do anything!" Kiana tried to back away, but the Wolfess was now holding on with both hands, groping and grabbing at every inch of exposed cloth she could reach, dragging her splinted leg behind her with tears and snot streaming down her face.
"What did you do to her!? What did you do to my sister!?"
"I didn't do anything! I -"
I murdered her.
The realisation was like an arrow of ice shooting through her brain, freezing her cold. She probably did murder this Wolfess's sister. She probably did murder Rika...
Kiana's knees buckled as all of the Wolfess's weight came bearing down on her. "Please! I just want to see Rika! I just want to see my sister!" Her tear-streaked face was only a few inches away. Runners of snot flared out from her nostrils with every hitching breath. "Please! Rika!"
It was too much. Kiana could feel herself tilting backwards. If this hysterical Wolfess fell on top of her, she didn't know what might -
The weight suddenly disappeared and Kiana stumbled back, clutching at her racing heart, inhaling breath after breath of freezing cold air that burned her chest and throat, feeling like she had just been rescued from some terrible fate.
A heavy-set Wolf had placed one beefy hand on the Wolfess's shoulder and was gently, but firmly, pulling her away.
"Thoka! Thoka!" the Wolfess yelled, apparently forgetting all about Kiana. "Have you seen Rika? I've looked everywhere but I can't find her and no one will help me!!"
She simply broke down after that and collapsed into Thoka's arms, weeping bitterly.
Thoka froze for a second, seemingly at a loss, then hugged her tight and awkwardly patted her on the back.
"It's okay, Raika. I'll help you look for her."
Raika. So her name is Raika. Rika and Raika. That's cute. That's...
A burning hot line of tears flowed down Kiana's face. Normally Kiana felt a small semblance of relief whenever that happened. Tears had a cleansing effect. Sometimes, when things got too bad, you just had to cry, and suddenly they didn't look quite as bad as before. There was an order to these kinds of things. First there was the pain, then the tears, and then the healing could begin. That was the way it was supposed to go. That was way it had always been. But Kiana already knew that those old rules didn't apply to this new world anymore. She could feel it. There was no sense of release, no sensation of a burden becoming lighter, and the reason for that was because there was no hope here. There was no way this problem could ever, ever go away. For Raika, the pain would always be there, the gaping wound in her heart would always bleed, and Kiana was the one responsible.
But I had to... I had to...
She wiped the tears from her face, feeling worse than terrible, feeling like...
This must be what Ander feels like...
Thoka saw Kiana crying and mouthed two simple words over Raika's head: I'm sorry.
And with that he led her away, carefully supporting her so she wouldn't have to use her splinted leg.
Maybe Kiana would have been okay after that. Maybe she would have been able to swallow back her tears and get on with her errand, but she had to keep looking at their receding backs for one second too long.
"You've seen Rika? You've seen her, right? You're taking me to her, right?" Raika looked up at Thoka's tired face, not with hope, but with a desperate kind of madness merely masquerading as hope. Because surely, everyone already knew what must have happened to Rika, including the sister she'd left behind.
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