A Taste of Something Else ~ Chapter 13
I managed to get Mom to bring us by the store on the way home. She seemed a little confused at first as to why, but didn't question it. Until, of course, she let me run off with the cart to pick up whatever it was I needed... and came back with a single box of macaroni and cheese, and nothing else. She picked it back up as soon as it clattered against the empty bottom.
It was like I was a puppy again, looking up at my mother as she held something I wanted to get. It was the same mixed look of disbelief and questioning, the same one-paw-on-her-hip, the same tail stirring behind her.
"Daniel." She shook it. "What's going on?"
...The same feeling of sinking dread, this time a lot heavier and for a much different reason than if she'd just said no to my favorite candy. Inhale, exhale... I fiddled with my claws, arms close to my body. No comfort came from the same din of the grocery store: rattling of carts, gentle conversations, ceaseless beeping of the checkouts, sometimes-seasonal music buzzing over the PA. The longer I waited and tried to figure out what to say and how to say it, the more her gaze softened. I opened my mouth-
"Is everything okay?"
Another sigh. I could tell myself there was no point in delaying it, but that didn't make it any easier to go ahead and tell her.
Heart pounding. Here I was, thinking I felt all better with it. "Me and William broke up."
"Oh God. For good?" Even though I could feel my ears pinch back, there was nothing I could do. If there's anything I can do about it, I almost said - but she went on speaking. The box clattered back into the cart. "Daniel, dear... you didn't - break up with him for that coyote, did you?"
Of course I couldn't really answer that. Mom had this thing about being lied to. "He broke up with me. And - speaking of which... um..."
The cart we'd chosen, of course, had a squeaky wheel. Once we'd started down the aisle, it just - grated on my ears, again and again. The rhythm of it just made it a little more annoying. Again I felt like a puppy, being made to tell her about the new things that had gone on in my life... we used to come to this particular grocery store every Friday, and would tell each other how our week had gone, our favorite thing that had happened, our hopes for the coming week. This was how she learned about most of my changing relationships, and also - incidentally - how I'd originally come out to her.
On that day she'd listened, ears perked and directed towards me, and said nothing once I'd finished... but then picked up a big bag of my favorite candy on our way out, which she handed to me as soon as we got into the car.
"Coul Harley come over and stay the night again tomorrow? We've got Friday off..."
...Oh, God. She hadn't been able to hear him and I when we'd - had she? Mom didn't say anything for a moment,. Then reached over and picked a box of cereal off the shelf.
"Sure." More clattering. "I don't see why not. Did you - talk to him about it at all? He seems really nice, just from last time."
Well... "In a way."
"That's good." Slow turn towards the next aisle. I had to lag back a bit to allow room for her; I'd started off with the cart, just like how she'd had me drive it almost every time we'd come here since I turned thirteen, but... somewhere along the way, usually it shifted back to her. I could tell that she was concerned, though. Maybe it was just because I'd spent literally my entire life with her so far, but it was in her eyes, the shape of her mouth, the slight dull edge beneath her usually bright voice. "...You know I'm always here if you need to talk, right?"
"Yeah."
"I know, I'm your mother, there's some things that you think it's weird to talk to me about, but still. Sometimes it's good to get another opinion and viewpoint on things, you know?"
"Yeah. Thank you. Um..."
You didn't dump him for that coyote, did you? she'd said. William used to come to her for help and advice on some problems, so maybe Harley... my mind kept on going back to what Zoey had said earlier. Not even four hours had passed and... and already I was wondering if I was really prepared for this. I don't think I knew quite what I was getting into. This next aisle focused on coffee, tea, and spices - so I swiped a box of chamomile on the way by. Mom eyed it but said nothing.
"Thank you."
"You, uh..." Sideways glance, squinted eyes. "You've got condoms, right?"
~ ~ ~
That night, there pulsed this resilient hope in my chest, but - hope for what, I couldn't quite figure out. Right as I got a hold on it - there's no way to fall asleep when feeling anything particularly strongly - my phone on my nightstand buzzed.
1 unread message from William. Thankfully, though, it was just a simple unenthusiastic goodnight, so I responded in turn and rolled over - and then rolled right back, a little annoyed, when it vibrated a second time. He'd better not be trying to start a conversation at this time of night-
1 unread message from Harley.
Hey, danny. Feeling a little better, but it's still tough. Thinking about tomorrow. There's something I want to tell you, and I'm really nervous about it, but I think it's the right thing to do and the right time.
Then, another one right after:
Sorry for breaking down on you like that day. A day hasn't gone by where that hasn't happened at least once... it's been a rough week. Honestly, I was really hoping you'd invite me over, and was glad that you did... I don't know if you could tell, but that made me smile a little. It was the first time something had made me genuinely smile since last week. So, thank you for that.
I've probably rambled long enough, huh? You might be asleep already. I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I hope you sleep well, and goodnight.
_"Goodnight." "I'm here for you." "I can't wait either, I-" "I miss you." "I want you to be okay."_What could I say? That night, it took me a bit longer to finally fall asleep.
~ ~ ~
The way that off-days work on a college campus is that nobody really wants to be there the day before, so there's even fewer people in classes than there normally are. And then of course, the day before seems to stretch on to fill the space of the day you have off... until you reach the end. Then it's all okay.
Thursday mornings, Harley and I share a second period. This was the same class where he'd told me those stories about his life, about how he almost got arrested at the mall, about... about that one ex-girlfriend of his, she-otter. When he told me, he'd made it seem like an accident that he'd fallen in love with her.
But, then, I guess that's not really something you plan, is it? Not even if you were to try. My feelings for Harley, and I still wasn't fully sure what those might be, had just - punched me in the face, took me by surprise. I wonder if he felt the same.
I'd like to say that he looked better today than he had yesterday afternoon, but... well. At least he'd showered, I think. Or maybe he'd just slept well. I don't know. He took the seat beside me in that class just as the professor started on his lecture, and gave me a tired smile. Within ten minutes, I'd slid my paw beneath the desk and intertwined my fingers with his, to have him squeeze back. Cold fingers, fur slightly damp with sweat. At least he wasn't shaking... though he did squeeze my paw a bit tightly.
Then there came the rest of the day, slow, sleepy. It felt like nobody was really paying attention to anything, especially with our week-long spring break coming up. It took a lot longer than it felt like it should have, but sure enough, soon we were standing side by side at that brick wall where Mom and Alex picked us up. It would be the latter today, and once he did, that warm hope rose up again in my chest.
Finally I'd be able to hug Harley, and hold him tight, and try to work through whatever this was with him. Maybe I hadn't been feeling bad for myself and my breakup because my heart was too concerned with this coyote - who, when I glanced up into the rearview, met my eyes for a brief moment and then looked away. The longer we spent in the car, the more nervous he started to look. I had to offer him my arm and shoulder on the walk up to the door once we'd arrived.
And, then, everything seemed to move in slow motion. There was no fervid thoughts and expectations like last time he'd stayed the night, no jokes or banter or anything of that sort .We kicked our shoes off at the door, made our way down the hall, left our school things on my desk... and then curled up around one another on my bed, both of our hearts pounding again, both for an entirely different reason.
Harley kept one paw against my chest, part of my shirt bunched up in his fingers. I couldn't see his eyes from here, but the movements of his ears, the flicking of his whiskers, the twitching of his mouth... God. The question burned on my lips, but - that kind of curiosity... it felt like a horrible thing to harbor under the circumstances.
"I'll always be here for you," I found myself mouthing. His tall ears picked up the little change in air currents. "I want to-"
"Daniel..." His voice was hardly more than a whisper, a murmur of a song on cool spring evening air. We had a few hours before Mom would get home.
"Yeah?"
"I..." Inhale - exhale, slow shuddering sigh. "I don't know where to start."
My paws tightened around his lower back. Just as I'd so been yearning for a taste of his sweetly-spiced scent, now I could drink as deep of it as I wanted. Well - almost. "Wherever seems right. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."
The silence that followed was the heaviest I'd ever experienced. I'm not sure either of us wanted particularly to take that next step forward.
When he next spoke, his voice had again taken on that flat, empty tone that it'd had Friday. This inexplicable hope had started to seep out of me; I hoped that Harley could start to feel some of that warm pulsing, but... it didn't seem so. "Is there anything you want to know?"
The words came on their own. "Who's Natalie? You've mentioned her a few times, but... I don't think..."
That paw tightened on my chest. "Natalie Cordova. She was my girlfriend once. I - loved her. I really, really loved her."
Natalie Cordova... God, that name was vaguely familiar, but... it took a moment. I'd heard that name in the paper a few years back, something that spread among my school peers because some people knew her. But - that couldn't be. That just wouldn't-
"Can I respond to your question with a different one?"
"Go ahead..."
Harley's voice cracked. "Have you ever had to watch someone die?"