Ander - Part 6: Subchapter 72
72
It was as if that dead voice had jumped from his head and into the real world. It was flesh and blood, horribly real, and yet Ander still could not accept it. He kept seeing that arrow puncturing the thin membrane of Banno's eye, erupting into a fountain of blood and gore. He kept seeing the life slowly drain out of his remaining eye, staring out at nothing, yet also staring into his soul, asking How could you do this to me? He kept hearing his brother's last words inside his head, repeating over and over: Not so different, after all... He kept seeing him vanish underneath the black, muddy waters, never to be seen again.
I'm seeing him now, Ander thought.That is no ghost. That is no phantom of memory. That is Banno.
He was so fixated on Banno's horrorshow of a face that he didn't even notice Mother stepping forward until she started to speak.
"Ander!" she wailed. "Are you really up there, you treasonous filth!?"
Hezzi whimpered and covered his eyes, not able to take in any more.
I have to say something. I can't just gawk like an idiot. Everyone is counting on me.
He licked his dry, frozen lips and said: "Mother, I -"
"You should be dead!!" she screeched. Her voice was even more piercing than the wind. "After what you did to your father, you deserve to burn!"
"That wasn't my fault! Mother, you can't -"
"Don't call me 'Mother', you freak! You are not my son! You were never my son!"
Each word struck him like a slap in the face. It was like being back in the village centre, tied to the Cora statue, waiting for whatever fate may come. The realisation that she was actively trying to murder him by the hands of his fellow Wolves, the realization that his own mother, the one who had nursed him, raised him, tended to his scraped knees, hated him with all her heart.
After so many years, after feeling so much hatred and rejection from his own people, why did it still hurt so much?
"I know the truth!" she screamed. "I know how you came into my arms! You thought you could keep it secret from me? My blind eyes see more than you, Ander! They see the truth! You came to my breast by stealing the life of my baby girl! You took her place like some parasite!"
The frigid air coiled around Ander's throat like a noose, cinching tight, cutting off his breath.
She knew. How could she know? Did Father tell her before he died? After carrying that secret with him for twenty-three years, did it simply become too much to bear?
"I see the blackness inside your heart! I see the cowardice! The weakness! The betrayal! I see it all! You are a disease of this world, Ander! A festering, puss-filled growth that should have been lanced at first sight! You -"
A light brown vixen came from out of nowhere, shoving her way to the front of the wall. She jumped up and leaned so far over the edge that she nearly tumbled right over the side. It was Sarah.
"You shut the hell up about my son, you blind, ugly BITCH!"
*
Hezzi was gripping the edge of the wall so tightly that sharp splinters of wood had driven themselves into his palms, but he was only aware of this on the lower levels of his consciousness, where his thoughts and emotions raged out of control.
Splinters like tiny spears, lining broken edges like teeth, two halves that once were whole - the little wooden carving he had snapped in half out of mindless rage.
Why was he remembering that now?
Hezzi did not know. There were a lot of things he did not know. Like how his oldest brother could be alive after he had seen his demise with his own two eyes. The shock and terror he had felt back then, blinking through the rain and the tears, was no less than what he was feeling right now, squinting through the falling snow.
That's not Banno down there, he thought, trying to convince himself that all of this was just some horribly perverted lie. That black thing with the bloody mouth and the missing eye couldn't be the Banno he knew and loved. That thing that didn't even look like it was supposed to be alive, that thing that had come to murder them all, surely that couldn't be the Banno he missed so much that he had nearly killed his only remaining brother out of misery and grief?
Surely not Banno?
Hezzi felt torn, broken, split apart just like that old carving. Part of him wanted to jump from this wall, sprint through the blizzard and leap into Banno's arms, just to know for sure that it really was him, that he really was still alive, that he still had two big brothers instead of one. But...
He also wanted to crouch down and hide behind this wall like a coward. He didn't want that lonely eye to fall on him. He didn't want that mutilated face to smile at him like it was smiling at Ander. Most of all, he didn't want to hear his own name sprouting from between those bloody teeth. Just looking at it was like seeing two completely different things at the same time, flickering back and forth so rapidly it made his eyes burn and his head ache. One moment it really was Banno, the biggest, strongest Wolf the tribe had ever seen, the Wolf who could beat any challenger in a fair fight, the Wolf who could rip a bear's head off with one hand, the Wolf who sometimes laughed and ruffled his hair and called him his little brother...
And the next it was a monster straight out of a nightmare; one red eye blazing through white curtains of snow, blood oozing from its mouth, pitch black matted fur and claws like spear heads.
That's not Banno... Banno was never like that! Banno might have been a bit grumpy sometimes, but he was never like that!
And on the heels of that thought, quiet, but no less convincing...
Banno was always like that.
Mother was standing right next to him. She looked so small down there, especially with the Chieftain's oversized necklace draped around her bony shoulders, but there was nothing small about her voice. She was screeching into the sky, hurling the foulest insults and curses he had ever heard. Not even the howling wind was a match for her piercing words. Hezzi didn't think he had ever seen her this angry before, and all that anger, all that hatred, was aimed squarely at Ander.
"I know the truth! I know how you came into my arms! You thought you could keep it secret from me? My blind eyes see more than you, Ander! They see the truth! You came to my breast by stealing the life of my baby girl! You took her place like some parasite!"
Those words were just strange enough to momentarily distract Hezzi from the overwhelming fear in his heart. They didn't sound like the random ramblings of a she-wolf who had been tottering near the brink of insanity for several years now. They were far too specific for that. He turned to Ander, expecting to see the same kind of confusion mirrored in his face, but what he saw instead was a look of shock, like he knew exactly what Mother was talking about.
What is going on?
Before he could ask that question, Mother screamed even more insults. "I see the blackness inside your heart! I see the cowardice! The weakness! The betrayal! I see it all! You are a disease of this world, Ander! A festering, puss-filled growth that should have been lanced at first sight! You -"
*
A red hot boiling fury erupted inside Sarah's heart. It was unlike anything she had ever experienced. Looking down at that horrible face, with its milky, vacant eyes, was like looking at the greatest sin she had ever committed, given flesh and blood.
It screamed insults and curses at the sky, all while spittle accumulated in the corners of its mouth, slowly freezing into a white froth. "I see the blackness inside your heart! I see the cowardice! The weakness! The betrayal! I see it all!"
Michael sensed it coming. "Sarah? Are you quite all right?"
"You are a disease of this world, Ander!" The foul creature continued its ranting, spewing filthy lies into the frigid air. "A festering, puss-filled growth that should have been lanced at first sight! You -"
Sarah couldn't stand it anymore. She lunged over the wall, heedless of the sharp points of wood pressing against her stomach. "You shut the hell up about my son, you blind, ugly BITCH!!"
Sarah wasn't thinking at all in that moment. If someone hadn't grabbed her by the dress and yanked her back to safety, she might have fallen right over the side, and she probably wouldn't even have cared so much, as long as she could give that bitch one good slap in the face before all those Wolves fell on her.
"Sarah, calm down!" The one who had grabbed her was Andrew... her sweet, darling Andrew. She could still see him so clearly, nestled in her arms with that horrid red handprint across his neck. She had tried so hard to get rid of it, to wash it clean, to save him from a life of pain and misery, and yet...
"No!" Sarah shouted, thrashing and flailing, not even sure what she was trying to escape from; her son's arms, or her own demons. "I refuse to listen to a single word that comes out of that bitch's filthy mouth! She doesn't know anything about you! I nearly killed myself to keep you safe! I loved you so much, and I was forced to take all that love and give it away! No, it was taken from me! You were taken from me, Andrew! I would have given anything, anything_to be your mother for just one minute longer! She was given such a beautiful gift, a precious gift, and to hear her say those things about you... I just... _I can't!"
Andrew was looking at her with those big, brown eyes of his, the same eyes she had gazed into when he was only moments old. Filled with wonder and awe, she had been unable to believe she could have given birth to such a miracle, and she still felt that way.
There was so much concern in those eyes. She could tell he wanted nothing more than to help her, to make her feel better, but he didn't know how.
She stopped her struggling, suddenly in need of all her energy just to keep herself from bursting into tears.
"I thought I was saving you..." she whispered. "I tried so hard. I bled. I cried. I almost lost my life, and that would have been fine by me. Anything... anything to keep you safe. I wanted you to grow and be healthy. I wanted you to live. I wanted you to have someone to call 'mother', even if that someone wasn't me. But I never knew... I never knew that what I was actually doing, what I was handing you over to... was her!"
She couldn't keep it in any longer and the tears just poured out. She could feel them freezing against her cheeks into solid drops of ice, sapping the warmth right out of her skin. She reached for the handkerchief in her pocket out of habit, but, of course, it was no longer there.
Andrew wiped her tears away in its stead, lightly dragging his thumb beneath her eyes. "Sarah, you have to stop blaming yourself. If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead. You saved my life, and I will always, always be grateful to you. So please, stop hurting yourself like this."
Through the haze of her tears, the torches were transformed into shimmering crosses, casting their light upon so many faces. There was her headstrong little soldier, Mateo, nervously fiddling with the straps of his crossbow, as if wishing for nothing more than to be able to blast all her problems away. There was Kiana, the girl who had brought so much happiness into Andrew's life, shifting her weight from foot to foot, wanting so badly to help, but perhaps feeling that it wasn't her place to do so. There was Michael, gently rubbing her back, a constant presence, a constant comfort, a constant source of love that would never run dry. And then, of course, there was Andrew.
Sarah sniffed and rubbed her eyes. "Let me talk to her."
"Sarah, I..." He glanced at the sea of Wolves milling inside the pass. "I don't think that's a good idea. You shouldn't even be out here."
Michael stepped up and gave him a pat on the shoulder. "Oh, you naïve little bastard. Don't you know by now that once Sarah makes up her mind, there's absolutely no way to shake her? Believe me, I've tried."
Andrew still looked worried. Just how much was going on inside that head of his? How many people, how many lives, was he trying to balance?
Sarah gave him quick hug, amused, as always, by the fact that she couldn't get her arms all the way around his body. "If this is going to be the first, last, and only time I get to speak to the woman who raised my child, then I have a right to do it."
Andrew returned her embrace, squeezing her extra tight before pulling away. "Just... don't take anything she says to heart. She's not completely..." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, causing a small cascade of snowflakes to fall past his troubled brow. "She is very angry, but most of that anger was born from pain she did not deserve. She will say hurtful things, because that is all she knows."
Sarah stood up straight and smoothed out the wrinkles in her dress. "I only intend to make her understand. Whether or not that hurts her is her problem, not mine."
"Sarah, please."
"I understand, Andrew. Now let me by."
Andrew looked to Michael, and Michael nodded. He stepped aside, and Sarah approached the edge of the wall, its wooden teeth capped by frost like miniature mountain peaks.
She was down there, staring up with those blank, lifeless eyes. Her ears swivelled back and forth, listening for the faintest sound. Her face was contorted with quiet, seething anger.
"Shekka." Even though the wind was howling and the snow was drifting against the wall, those white eyes suddenly locked onto hers. Sarah didn't know how she knew this, since it was impossible to tell where that old crone was looking, but she felt it just the same. That Wolfess was blind, but somehow, she was looking directly at her. This thought did not fill her with fear or superstitious dread. On the contrary, it made her want to lean over even further, and give her a good look at the face of the mother of the treasure she had thrown away like garbage. "I hate you, but I also envy you. You got to spend twenty-three precious years with him that I never got to see, and then you turned your back on him. I loathe you, but I also pity you. Every time you hurt your son, you hurt my son. You never understood how special he was, how much he loved you, how much he still loves you, even now. I despise_you, because every ounce of love he gave to you was supposed to be mine. I do not blame you for that, but I do blame you for not returning that love tenfold, like any _real mother would!"
*
Aisa turned her head away at those words. Even though this pass was freezing cold, her face burned with shame. She reached up and felt her swollen cheeks, her cut lips, her bruised jaw. She could still taste blood on her tongue.
For just a moment, she was grateful that Renna was nowhere to be seen. She was happy that the girl wasn't up there right now, staring down at the she-wolf who was supposed to have returned her love tenfold, but instead returned only pain. She was glad she didn't have to see what would happen here tonight. She was glad her one and only enka wouldn't have to read the pathetic message her 'mother' had scribbled onto her body.
Baiya Yamre.
She didn't deserve any forgiveness.
None at all.
*
That witch was so far away, and yet Sarah still had to fight the urge to take a step back. Her face... it was an unholy contortion of anger and disgust.
"You dare to speak to me of love given and not returned?" she sneered. "You, Sarah of the Foxes!?"
How does that bitch know my name? Did she hear it all the way from down there?
Sarah did not allow her moment of surprise to show on her face. "I do!"
The moment those words left her mouth, Shekka began to change. Her whole body shook, her fingers opened and closed, as if itching to throttle. Her scant chest heaved with every breath, sending plumes of white vapour from her nostrils. She bared her yellowed fangs, wrinkling her muzzle back in anger. "It's because of _you_that Kadai is dead, you dirty whore!"
The snow blowing into her face suddenly felt much, much colder. "I haven't seen Kadai in more than twenty years. I didn't even know he was dead until a few days ago."
"You killed him! You murdered him!" Shekka shrieked. "You poisoned him with your body! It was you! You did it! Yooouuu!!"
Sarah didn't know what to say. That emaciated Wolfess was working herself into a frenzy, throwing her arms into the air as if making her case to the mountain itself.
"You claim I took Ander from you? You are nothing but a filthy liar! Ander was thrust into my arms while I lay bleeding and dying! But you! You stole Kadai from me knowingly! Willingly! He was the one Wolf I loved in this world, and the one Wolf who loved me! All the love you took from him, every kiss, every embrace, every touch, you stole it from me! I gave everything to that Wolf, but not even half of it came back!"
Sarah could not speak. She could only stare through the layers of snow. It was just as Ander had said. Anger born from pain. That was everything this Wolfess truly was.
That could have been me...
Shekka's eyes had changed, somehow. The veins stood out thicker and darker, giving her previously milky eyes a reddish tint. The inside corner of her left eye had gone completely crimson. "If it had been exactly half... maybe I could have accepted it. If he couldn't love me more than he loved you, maybe I could have been happy knowing he loved me exactly as much. But... he didn't." A tear laced with blood seeped out of the corner of her eye and ran down the side of her muzzle, quickly trapping a thin layer of frost in a sticky line. "I heard him. Every word was like a knife in my heart. 'I loved Sarah. I still do. Even more than Shekka. I'm ashamed to admit that, but it's the way I feel inside.'"
The wind blew. The snow fell. Icicles shimmered in the dark and Sarah had no idea what to say to that. That she was sorry? That it wasn't her fault?
No. She wasn't_sorry, it _wasn't her fault, and she sought no forgiveness, assuming this Wolfess was even capable of giving any, and judging by the way she had treated her own son, that was highly doubtful.
Shekka didn't give her any time to respond anyway. The tear froze into a bloodred crystal of ice against her cheek, visible even through the storm. "That is how you murdered him! You filled his heart with poison! Admit it!"
"The only poisonous one here is you! Look at what you've done to your family! Your eldest son is in dire need of help, and yet you let him lead the charge when he's barely capable of standing! You wouldn't fight to protect your second son when he needed you the most! Your third son had to flee for his life! If this is the way you treat your children, I can see why Kadai found it so difficult to be around you!"
"You know nothing of the sacrifices I have made! You, living in your quant little valley with no cares other than sneaking through this pass to indulge your lustful sins, have no right to criticise the way I've raised my children! Banno is like this because of your son and his harlot! Because of the spawn of Foxes! My Hezzi had to flee because he got caught up in matters he did not understand, but the only reason he was alive to flee in the first place was because of me! I'm the one who saved him from Dorin's teeth, I'm the one who begged for mercy on his behalf, and I'm the one who's come to take him back home, and not you, not your people, not this wall, and not a thousand arrows will do a damn thing to stop me! I don't care if I have to drag my broken body through a mile of jagged ice, but mark my words, Sarah of the Foxes, I will not stop until I've ripped your throat out with my teeth! I will have my revenge for what you did to Kadai! I will -"
"Stop it!!" Hezzi's scream rang throughout the pass, carried and twisted by the hollow roar of the wind into something unnatural, brimming with pain and misery. "Stop it!! Stop it!! Just -
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