Ander - Part 6: Subchapter 68
68
Ander materialized through the layers of falling snow, becoming clearer as Kiana drew near. He was talking to his little brother.
"Are the sentries down yet?"
"About half," Hezzi replied, his bright red scarf billowing around his ears. "The far ones will have to take it slow. Those ropes are scary."
"This couldn't have happened at a worse time. What is Wardo thinking?"
"Probably that the blizzard will make it more fun, is my guess. You know what he's like."
"That just worries me more." Ander dragged his claws along the ram's horn hanging around his neck, carving lines through the frost that had accumulated inside the spiral ridges.
Kiana touched his elbow. "Ander?"
He turned around. For a moment he was happy, almost ecstatic, and then he became mad. "Kiana, what are you doing here!? This is dangerous!"
"I came to see you."
"I... We can't! Not right now. When this is over, yes, but until then, I don't want you anywhere near this wall. You have to go back."
Kiana stepped forward, put her arms around his middle, and rested her cheek against his chest. The ram's horn hung just beside her head. She could feel it lightly scraping against her cheek.
"Kiana, don't do this right now, please..."
She held him even tighter, squeezing as hard as she could, determined to have him feel her embrace even in the middle of this blizzard that seemed to numb everything it touched. She would be more powerful than the cold. She would be more powerful than the snow. She would be more powerful than the wind.
"I love you, Ander," she said.
She felt him place his hand on top of her head; a gentle, reassuring weight. "I love you, too, Kiana. But please, you can't stay -"
"I love you, Ander."
"I love you, too, but you have to -"
"I _love_you, Ander."
"Ki- Kiana? What are -"
"I love you, you stupid idiot!" she screamed into his chest, holding him close, rubbing her tears all over him, not caring. In the background, Hezzi awkwardly tugged on his scarf and slowly began to back away, pretending to look up at the sky.
"What is this about?" Ander asked, and that only made Kiana want to punch the lousy oaf, so she did. She raised her fist and brought it down with a good hard thump right against his shoulder.
"This is about me not leaving this spot until you get it through your big, stupid head, Ander! I love you!"
"I know that!" Ander screamed back. Quite a few heads were turning now, but nobody stopped to look at them for more than a moment. In the grand scheme of things, their little spat must seem rather trivial.
"Do you!?" Kiana retorted. "Because I don't think you truly do."
"Could this possibly wait until our lives aren't in danger anymore?"
"Wait? You mean until after I supposedly won't be able to love you anymore?"
"What?"
Kiana punched him again. She felt like a toddler punching a stone wall, but she did it anyway, making the horn bounce against his chest. "That's what you said, isn't it!? 'I only hope you can still love me afterwards'. Do you have any idea how that made me feel? Do you have any idea how much I hate that!? That you would think that of me!? That my love for you is so weak that I would just stop!?"
"Well what am I supposed to think, Kiana!? That everything is going to be just fine? That we can just ignore what happens here tonight? Maybe you can, but I can't! You're not the one who built this wall, you're not the one who built that deathtrap up in the mountain, and you're not the one who's going to have to live with blood on your hands and ghosts in your nightmares! That's all on me, Kiana! All of it!"
"I would love you no matter how black your sins or how red your hands. I would love you every minute of every day. I would remind you with every breath I breathe for the rest of my life, if only it could get you to stop with all this guilt-crippled self-hating BULLCRAP!!" Ander stiffened in her arms and she took the opportunity to press herself more fully against him, embracing him rather than grappling with him. "I love you, Ander," she said again. She would say it as many times as necessary. "I love you. No matter what, I will always love you."
Ander embraced her back. She could feel his hands sliding over her shoulderblades, so warm and gentle. "You can't know that..." Tears fell on top of her head, and seeped into her hair, scorching hot.
"I do."
"You can't possibly know that!" he insisted, holding her so tight she could barely breathe. "You can't possibly know how you'll feel after tonight is through!"
"I do_know," Kiana said calmly. "I know exactly how I will feel tomorrow, and next week, and next year, and next decade. I know it will be no different from how I feel right now, in this moment, and what I feel right now is love, Ander. Love for _you. And I will not let go, I will not back away, I will not give up until you take back what you said. And you'd better be quick about it, because I don't care if the Wolf army comes marching up to this wall right this very moment. I will cling to you until I'm satisfied you understand. I love you, Ander. I love you. And no matter how much you suffer, I will always be there to share your pain, because I love you."
She felt him kiss the top of her head, felt him hold her close, felt his chest moving beneath her cheek as he struggled to keep his tears under control.
"I take it back," he finally whispered into her ear. "I take it all back. I understand now. I know you'll always love me, no matter what. I won't ever doubt you again, Kiana. I'm so sorry."
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
She raised her head, stood up on the tips of her toes, and kissed him on the lips. She didn't care if half the village was there to see her. All she cared about was Ander and the tiny life they had created together, now growing inside of her. She would protect them with everything she had.
Because she loved them.
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