The Random Kobold
A poem about a kobold
The Random Kobold
By Danath
Our kobold helps us level up more
His thinking, though, is down through the floor
He’s dumb as a rock and just as smart
But he’s perfect when it comes to the unconventional arts
Like distracting the enemies or checking for traps
Or acting all cute to distract a mark from his shack
He had the voice and the looks to seize all our hearts
It happened when the party was but level three
When he happened by, no more than a random NPC
He spoke with a tone that was high and peculiar
And made funny jokes in response to what we were
Plotting and scheming and trying to do
We begged immediate backstory
And so subsequently we demanded he join the party
A kobold with such terrible stats
Should make the impact of a few gnats
But whenever the DM rolls for the ‘bold
He can’t hide all the nat 20 strikes and a whole lotta gold
This relative recluse and clueless
Liz dude with the bug eyes and headdress
Of a backwater bijou so cute
Got the luckiest rolls that the DM could never dispute
The DM even changed out dice
But from warlocks to banshees to dragons
At one time run over by wagons
And even vampires and multi-eyed monsters - he lived!
Then one day
It happened
A monster got the jump and targeted
The dear kobold cutie among us
We panicked and checked all the rules
Despite our efforts, no magic helped from any school
We were left to wail and gnash our teeth
And with poor die rolls to cry and seethe
Our favorite kobold NPC
Was buried at long last - a permanent graveyard inductee
“Buy why!?” we asked our DM now
“Why did you do this to us and how?
“The kobold, now deceased, was no threat
“Please say why you have subjected us to this bloody vignette?”
The dungeon master shook his head and
Raised one arm to salute with his hand
His face was solemn with regret
“I did it,” he said, “for reasons that I shall not reveal yet.”
Thought we got over the loss alright
We could never feel that it was right
But the final battle soon arrived
And with dawning horror we understood the DM contrived
To reimagine the BBEG at the story’s end
He replaced him with what was once our dearest friend
Our kobold buddy was now reborn
Atop an army of bug-eyed lizards adorned
For war and swarming with cannon crews
Just some little guys drawing bows and letting loose
Our friend then spoke, and what he said
Rattled round and round our heads
In a voice that was deep and quite un-kobold-y
He pronounced the purpose of his revolutionaries
“Down with the kingdom, is what we’ve sworn
To overthrow the kingdom’s scorn
And burn it to the ground”
He continued, ranting, on and on, about the deeds long done
And how a father must be avenged by a son
It was all quite dramatic and tense and spooky
An exposition of length - a kobold kabuki
Certain doom was coming for the kingdom
Which had so gainfully employed us
And drenched us in rewards
But even so…
In desperation we decided
To abandon our wanton violence
Despite his new deep voice
We took the path of pacifism
The goals of the ‘bolds were more aligned with our own
And helping our dearest liz buddy align
His slightly now eensy bit more psychotic mind
Meant we could prevent not only a war
But recall to our party with new headdress adorned
The cute little liz dude with the bulging bug eyes
And an army of fun guys of similar size
“My twist has been ruined,” said the DM with grace
“The puzzles and intrigue and castles ablaze
“The dungeon and mazes and spiders and graves
“The travels and resting and poisonous haze
“Couldn’t stop the kobold from reclaiming his place”
We all smiled and cheered because we’d clear overcome
The DM’s deceit and retrieved our dear chum
His die rolls were godly and useful as ever
His tiny liz brain made him awfully clever
Especially once he was crowned as the emperor
The lesson we learned at the end of this all
Was never give up! Give it your all!
Above all when kobolds are involved
The party will find a way to make unsolvable things solved
“Did you know?” asked the DM quite some time later
“The real reason I killed off the kobold forever?”
“Why? Why would you do such a thing?” we all asked
“Do you dislike kobolds? Or kobold-phobia, perchance?”
“Not one of those options, and none you may think,”
Said the DM after taking a long and cold drink
“The kobold is fine and fun to roleplay
“Watching you all really makes my day
“The reason I killed him off was on a technicality
“Doing the voice was killing me.”