Way of the Beast, part 6
Imported from SF2 with no description.
“Master Zaulii, you wanted to see me?”
Llifen stood outside the small room that adjoined the main temple. That morning, a messenger had come to his living quarters, informing him that he was being summoned in order to discuss certain matters. What could he possibly want with him? One of his regular lectures on his weaknesses and what needed to be fixed? No, it had to be something more; he usually didn’t need a special appointment to tell him that.
“Ah yes, Llifen, just one moment.” Zaulii was sitting behind his ornate desk, perhaps the only thing in the entire monastery that wasn’t decorated in a sparse, austere manner. A roll of parchment was spread out before him and he was writing on it, a sight that immediately struck Llifen as unusual. Writing was something that he had only seen him do on the rarest of occasions, as Zaulii felt it was important to avoid the trappings of modern civilization as much as possible.
Llifen’s mind flashed back to the time decades ago when Zaulii had taught him how to read and write. He remembered the hours spent sitting with a writing tablet in his lap as Zaulii loomed behind him, waiting to correct every little error he made in the harsh-yet-fair manner that was his teaching style. Nowadays, he almost never had the opportunity to practice his skills. But he still retained some knowledge of what he had learned, as Zaulii had stressed that such an ability was worthwhile to have should the need ever arise. He wondered whether Rusan, who had never had a home for most of his childhood and almost certainly no formal education, had ever acquired such a skill for himself.
Rusan…
He balled his hands into fists, digging his claws into his palms so hard that they almost pierced his pawpads. It had been weeks since their fight. For the first few days, Llifen would spend hours staring at the door of his living quarters in the naïve hope that through strength of will, he could manifest Rusan to walk back inside as if nothing had happened. But instead, it seemed as if Rusan had vanished into thin air, as Llifen could not track down what had happened to him. Eventually, he grew tired of waiting and turned to suppressing his anger instead.
“I’m glad you could meet me here today.” Zaulii laid down his writing stick and stood up from the desk. With a gesture of his head, he motioned for Llifen to follow him into the main temple. “I couldn’t help but notice that these past few days, you have not been performing to your usual standards. It seems you have been troubled lately. Might I ask why that is?”
Llifen felt a twinge of frustration rise inside of him, although he knew it would not be constructive to snap at his mentor. Still, Zaulii must have known what was bothering him, given that not a single thing that occurred in the monastery escaped his notice. “I’m sorry, Master Zaulii. It’s just that I haven’t been sleeping well lately,” he muttered through gritted teeth. There was some truth to that. Every time he had tried to sleep in the same bed that he and Rusan had shared for months, his nose would detect Rusan’s characteristic scent lingering in his sheets. It aggravated him to the point that the night before, he had ripped the sheets clean off the bed and spent the whole night without them.
“Hmm…I see, I see.” Did he buy it? Almost certainly not. But to Llifen’s relief, Zaulii didn’t seem to push back against his explanation. As the two of them arrived at the center of the temple, Zaulii turned to face Llifen and crouched down into a fighting stance. “Fight me.”
Without giving Llifen a chance to respond, Zaulii immediately launched into an all-out assault. Displaying an astounding ferocity for someone of his age, he executed a strong series of attacks upon Llifen. Any one of Zaulii’s strikes would have been enough to knock Llifen to the ground if he had not managed to block them all. Without relenting, he unleashed another assault, and then another. The punches and kicks flew at an increasing pace, until Llifen had trouble tracking them by sight alone. The only reason he was able to keep up was because Zaulii was following well-established routines that Llifen had spent his whole life perfecting. Every now and again, however, Zaulii would hesitate ever so slightly. Were his skills perhaps beginning to falter? No, he knew him far too well to believe that to be the case. He had to be testing him. But every time Llifen managed to take notice, the moment would pass, and with each missed opportunity he would curse himself for failing to take advantage.
Llifen just barely ducked under a high strike, one that left Zaulii’s torso open. This time he made sure to capitalize on the weakness in Zaulii’s defense as he rushed in hard. He seemed to catch his mentor off guard, as Zaulii was knocked off his feet, causing him to roll onto his back. Llifen moved in to finish him off. But as he did so, Zaulii delivered a strong double-pawed kick to his midsection, then in one fluid motion, effortlessly leapt back upright. Llifen staggered backwards several feet, and he clutched his abdomen in pain. Zaulii’s tumble had all been a ruse, and he had fallen for it.
He snarled. He wasn’t going to give Zaulii the chance to dupe him like that again. Time to finish this fight off for good. He charged toward Zaulii with all his might, claws bared. But before he could make contact, Zaulii grabbed his arm and quickly spun around to face away from him. Llifen’s momentum caused him to go sailing up and over Zaulii’s back. He felt his body being turned upside-down before Zaulii slammed him hard into the temple floor. The next thing he knew, Zaulii was standing over him, paw pressed onto his chest. Not only had he lost the fight, but he had done so in utterly humiliating fashion.
Zaulii extended a hand out to Llifen, but he feebly batted it away before getting up on his own. “Do you know why you lost?” Zaulii asked. His voice was calm, as if he had not exerted any energy in the past few minutes. Llifen made no attempt to reply, knowing that no matter what he responded with, Zaulii was going to tell him anyway. “It’s because you let yourself get frustrated again. We’ve discussed this over and over: eventually you’re going to have to learn to control yourself.”
Llifen mockingly wagged his head back and forth as Zaulii said the words “over and over”. He wasn’t in the mood to be lectured on this yet again.
“Now then, we are going to get to the root of your problem, once and for all. Sit.”
Llifen gave Zaulii a quizzical look. Usually after one of their sparring sessions, Zaulii was willing to let him go so that he could reflect on his strengths and weaknesses. Something was amiss with Zaulii’s behavior. Nevertheless, Llifen did as he was instructed. He sat down and crossed his legs on the temple floor, as Zaulii took a place directly in front of him.
“Close your eyes and concentrate. Describe what you observe with each of your senses, down to the last detail. I want to be able to experience everything that you experience.”
“I see…a deep, thick forest. It’s dark, sometime after twilight. The time when prey is the most active.”
“Very good. Continue.”
“The air is damp, just moist enough to carry the scent of prey on the wind. I hear…nothing…”
He paused.
“No, wait…”
He swiveled his ears to focus in on the sound. First, the soft, yet distinct sound of heavy, padded footfalls. Then a menacing series of deep, growling breaths. Finally, the moment that always managed to strike fear in his heart: the gargantuan, shimmering form of the Beast came out of the dense thicket of trees and approached him.
“Remember to keep calm and be patient,” Zaulii commanded him. His voice reverberated in his head, coming from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Llifen had never understood how Zaulii managed to connect with him in this way, but he was always thankful for his assistance. He would never have been able to commune with the Beast in the first place if it weren’t for him. “There is no need to risk losing control of the situation.”
Llifen did as Zaulii said. He dug his paws into the forest floor and stood his ground. The great creature slowly crept up to him until they were both snout to snout and growled directly into his face. But Llifen made sure not to show even a hint of fear. It sniffed him curiously, then began to walk in slow circles around him. Llifen refused to move a single muscle, neither advancing toward nor retreating away from the Beast. After several minutes of this tense standoff, the Beast appeared to grow bored as it turned away from Llifen and padded back into the forest.
“Hey you! Come back! We’re not finished here!” Llifen ran through the forest, trying to catch up with the Beast.
“Do not engage with it. The Beast will only reveal its secrets to you when it decides to, not you.”
But Llifen wasn’t willing to listen anymore. He was tired and angry. Not a single thing had gone right today, and he had nothing to show for the effort he had put in. He ran off in an attempt to catch up with the Beast, paws pounding against the ground beneath him. But the farther he went, the more uncertain he became of where he was going, or where the Beast had escaped to. Eventually, it dawned on him just who was pursuing who. As he slowly realized the perilous situation he was in, he tried his best not to panic. His steps gradually slowed down until he came to a complete halt. He looked around. Everything was pitch black and deathly silent. A faint rustling behind him caused him to turn his head sharply, just in time to catch just the briefest glimpse of an enormous set of fangs from between the trees. But before he could react, the Beast leapt out of the darkness at him, ready to deliver the killing blow.
“Stop.”
Zaulii’s voice, calm yet forceful, was enough to snap Llifen out of his trance. “You didn’t heed my warnings, did you? This is why you—”
“No! I’ve had enough!” Llifen hoisted himself up off the floor and stomped toward the door of the temple. But before he got there, his guilt managed to get the better of him. Throwing a tantrum like this wouldn’t be to his benefit. He stopped, sensing Zaulii’s eyes on him. Hesitantly, he turned around, preparing himself to come face-to-face with his mentor’s angry gaze. But instead, Zaulii was merely looking back at him with an expression of deep sorrow on his face. He wasn’t sure which was worse.
“Llifen…”
Llifen sighed and trudged back over to Zaulii, but refused to sit down again. “I just…want to know why you’re putting me through all this. Why today of all days?”
Zaulii didn’t answer him right away. He stood up in order to meet Llifen’s eyes with his own. There was an apprehensiveness in them that contrasted with his usual air of authority. “Llifen, as of late, I find myself thinking more and more about my own mortality. Eventually, the time will come for me to pass on.”
Llifen couldn’t help but shift his body into an unsteady posture. He did not like the morbid turn this conversation had taken. “But…surely that won’t be for a long time, right? I mean, you’re still so strong and fit and—"
Zaulii put a finger up to Llifen’s muzzle, silencing him. “My fitness has nothing to do with this. Tell me, how long did our ancestors use to live?”
“Only about a decade or two at most. Why are you asking this?”
“Llifen, I have lived for many times longer than that. Which is to say that in the course of several of our ancestors’ lifetimes, I have spent my own life acquiring knowledge that was already innate to each and every one of them. Our society has exchanged their fight to survive for our modern comforts, and in doing so, it is as if we have extended our lives at the cost of truly living. It humbles me that, even after so many years, there is still so much I don’t know. But sooner or later, nature will decide that I have reached the limit of all that I am capable of. And when that time comes, I have chosen to accept it wholeheartedly. There are those who would have us believe that it is preferable for me to live past the point where I would cease to be useful, where I would have nothing more to contribute; I do not subscribe to this view at all.”
“But you wouldn’t cease to be useful!” Llifen interjected. “Think of the future of this monastery. Think of everything that you could still teach us.” He knew he was being childish, as if by convincing Zaulii not to accept his own death, he could somehow forestall it. But he didn’t care. The monastery needed him. He needed him.
“No, it’s so much more than that. I have lived a long, arduous life. Numerous times, I have taken my body to its very limit, only to push myself beyond that. Throughout my life, I have experienced so many triumphs, so many regrets…”
He closed his eyes and fell silent. Llifen looked at him with curiosity, waiting to see if he would elaborate, but he did not.
“But you are right about one thing. I do think about the future, far more than I think about the past. When I look at my life as a whole, it is not my prior struggles and accomplishments that come to mind, but the legacy that I leave behind for the next generation. When I pass on, I can only hope that it is with the certainty that this monastery will continue to honor the teachings that I have spent so long laying out for my successors to follow.”
He placed his hand on the underside of Llifen’s snout so that Llifen stared directly into his eyes. “Llifen, you have been a loyal part of this monastery for nearly your entire life. I have taught you everything I know, including knowledge that you yourself helped me discover. After all these years, do you still remain steadfast and dedicated to the Way of the Beast?”
Zaulii looked at him with his distinctive gaze that made it impossible for Llifen to say no to him, even if he were inclined to do so. “Of course, Master Zaulii.” He stood up straight and spoke as if performing a recitation. “I have no doubt in my mind that I am fully devoted to the Way of the Beast. I am always trying to live in accordance with everything you have taught me, and to impart your wisdom onto others. And I owe it to you to continue doing so even after you’re gone."
“Very good, as I thought. In that case, I have come to a decision…”
He paused for a long while before finally nodding to himself.
“Llifen, you will assume leadership of this monastery after I have passed on.”
Llifen was taken aback. He barely managed to sputter out a reply. “B-but Master Zaulii, no! I meant everything I just said, but leading the monastery would simply be too much for me. I can’t!”
“Llifen, you can, and you will. I have been monitoring your progress for years, and have witnessed as your skills surpassed those of everyone else here. There is no one else whom I would entrust with this monastery.”
“But…what about all my flaws? You were talking about them yourself just a moment ago.”
Zaulii shook his head. “Your flaws are not as important as the fact that you devote every day to becoming better than who you were the day before. It is not just your strength and agility, but also your dedication and perseverance that makes you as capable as you are. I am certain that this monastery will thrive under your leadership.”
Llifen didn’t have the words to form a response. Perhaps he was exhausted from all the effort he had put in today. Perhaps he was still in shock from the news that Zaulii had just delivered. But in that moment, he couldn’t help but become overcome with emotion. He started to cry as he buried his face into Zaulii’s chest. Tears soaked into Zaulii’s fur, but he didn’t care. Zaulii wrapped his arms around him and gently rubbed the fur on his back. As secure as he felt in Zaulii’s embrace, there was still a large part of him that felt completely adrift. How could he possibly be the same mentor to others as Zaulii was to him?
As if sensing his reluctance, Zaulii continued, “I know I’m asking a lot of you. You don’t have to commit to anything right away. But whatever you decide to do, I want you to know this: I am proud of you.”
Those last few words managed to touch something deep inside Llifen. It occurred to him how rare it was for Zaulii to be as effusive in his praise as he was right now. Usually, Llifen was content just to receive a simple nod of approval whenever he would do something right. The rest of the time, he would endure Zaulii’s stern criticism, which he always obeyed without question, as he understood that Zaulii best expressed his concern for him by pushing him to do better.
He reflected further on how much Zaulii’s words of praise meant to him. Even though his faith in the Way of the Beast never faltered, there were times when he found himself wondering what exactly he was working toward. What was it that drove him? He realized that all of his accomplishments—his strength, his fighting skills, his connection to the Beast—they all paled in comparison to earning Zaulii’s approval.
But why was it so important to him? He didn’t need to ponder for long to figure out the answer to that question. For as long as he had been living within the monastery’s walls, further back than even the earliest memories of his life, Zaulii had been the only person that he could look up to. It was only natural that he felt compelled to pay it back to him by constantly pushing himself to exceed his expectations. After all, Zaulii had been the one to tend to all of his needs, physical, spiritual, and emotional. There was no one else in the monastery whom he would even think of going to during times of trouble. As he thought about this, he couldn’t help but come to a realization: far more than simply being a mentor, Zaulii was just as much a father figure to Llifen.
With that insight, he decided that this wasn’t about whether he could follow in Zaulii’s footsteps. He could never do that. This was about something more. Right then and there, he made a solemn oath. He still didn’t know what action he was going to take, but he never wanted to risk letting down the one person in his life who had meant so much to him throughout the years. No matter what, he would make sure that he would earn the right for Zaulii to say how proud he was of him.
As he hugged Zaulii tighter, Zaulii whispered to him. “Shhh…shhh…it’s okay.” His voice was low and managed to soothe him. “Just promise me that you’ll think on your decision.”
“I will…I will…” Llifen repeated those words over and over again like a mantra. Each time, his voice got softer until eventually they were buried under the sound of his own sobbing. The two of them didn’t move, they just stood in the middle of the temple floor, holding each other. He never wanted to let go, never wanted to leave the safety of his father’s embrace.