Desert Rain
A personal story that I wasn't sure about sharing. It's a rawer and more emotional piece that displays the darker side of life that we all like to pretend doesn't exist but struggle with regardless. Please mind the trigger warnings and thanks for reading if you do. Keep your heads up and know that there's always someone who will be there for you. Even if they can't be there in person, there's always someone who would help you fight those inner demons.
TW - Inner demons/inner demons talking, self-depreciation, withdrawing, self-minimizing
The unfamiliar sight of the gloomy clouds herded many felines into the streets; the absence of the burning sun was such a rarity that it was almost an ordeal. Blistering winds were replaced with a brisk breeze as the storm grew over the sands of the desert, and the air was vibrant with the scent of incoming rain. It was standard to see such storms raging at the edges of the vast sandy kingdom, but seldom did they encroach on it.
The serval had hastily made her way up to her tower loft, the soft red curtains dancing around the space wildly. Tying the fabric back, Mo gathered the collection of pillows and blankets into a nest below the lofty window. The press of the still-heated stone under her elbow gave the cream feline a soothing comfort, a steady reassurance. Curling around her waist, the length of her tail offered yet another comfort to the exhausted serval.
Curled tightly in on herself, Mo heaved a deep, somewhat quivering breath. She knew her heat was coming soon, her short mood and inadequate sleep readily pointing to that much, but something else loomed over her. A weight as though the world was overly large and that there would never be enough time to accomplish or go where she had dreamed of. Propping her chin on her arm, she leaned into the brisk breeze, tucking into herself tighter. Though she still had a room at her parent's home, she had long since all but moved into the library loft, preferring the privacy it offered. Though as much of a blessing as that privacy was, the serval couldn't ignore the deep pang of loneliness that struck her like a kick to the gut.
Antagonizing thoughts laced through her mind, greedily snapping at her with quips and retorts of every fear she had. Insecurities reared back, their teeth glinting as thick saliva frothed in preparation for their mental massacre. It was like she was a kit again, trying to hide from the monsters under her bed. Except she couldn't escape the monsters in her own head beneath the safety of an old quilt. Some part of her mind attempted to rally defenses and erect a wall of everything she knew was true. It felt precarious and unsteady, the writhing onslaught of mental monsters maintaining the higher ground.
Her ears pressed tightly back to her skull, unable to tolerate the world's noises moving below her as though nothing was wrong.
Tighter and tighter, she curled in on herself mentally and physically; if she could become small enough, she could be overlooked and forgotten until her mind quieted. The dark thoughts inside her head chuckled at that desperate hope, the sensation of their claws dragging up her spine nearly real. She used to try and run from them, the inner beasts, but she'd learned that wouldn't resolve anything or make them go away. Typically, she tried battering them back with logic and reason. That typically strong stone barricade in her mind faltered today, though, cracking as not even the truths she repeated as a mantra could prevent. Mo reached, scrabbling for them desperately, unwilling to allow the things she had worked so hard on to succumb to the ruthless claws of her fears and insecurities. Their dripping tar-like forms slinking around her now, tails lashing out to deliver blow after blow.
I am safe. I am loved. I am safe. I am loved.
The words were nearly a prayer on her lips, both in reality and her mind, a nearly noiseless cry for help. Vicious mockery lashed through her like a whip, the poison of her own mind leaping on her, digging its talons in deep as it hissed.
_You are worthless. Clumsy, ignorant, and incapable of anything. You are not worth the time or energy of those around you. You are a burden they itch to rid themselves of. A tick that leeches off of them, unable and unwilling to produce anything of worth or interest. _
Smaller, she had to become smaller. Her ears ached from how hard she dug them into her skull, her tail practically made a full circle around her waist. In her mind, she shrunk smaller and smaller, desperate to secure a place away. A place she could altogether stop existing until everything lost interest in her; it shouldn't take too long if she could just take up less space.
Still, that raspy, glee-filled voice slunk around her, over her, through her.
_They can't wait to be rid of you, to release themselves of the shackles you slammed on their wrists when they entered your life. You lured them in with such a sweet trap, too, encasing them in your love and support until they recognized you for the fraud you are. How betrayed they must feel, how exhausted and disgusted with you they are. If they still believed in you, still had faith in you, it's only a matter of time before they become disappointed. _
Her body rocked back and forth slightly, moving automatically in a self-soothing motion as she attempted delving deeper and deeper in on herself. Rosy lips moved ceaselessly; those two phrases were the only hold to reality she had left.
She didn't detect the approaching sound, the gentle scrape of claws as they climbed up the several staggered ladders to rise to the alcove. She wasn't aware of the feline that moved with unfaltering steps across the worn boards of the loft. Not until the gentle touch of his paws plucked her away from the window and into his embrace. His scent was safety and sanctuary, his muzzle nuzzling tightly against her forehead as he tucked her beneath his chin. Kopa pulled Mo into his lap, wrapping his arms and tail around her with a gentle squeeze.
_It's alright, you're ok. _
Almost as if those words were the only blade capable of cutting through the cloud of her own mental trappings, the darkness broke. It didn't dissipate; no, it parted to the light and warmth of those words. They were not the sole source of freedom; Instead, they were an offer. A paw extended into those most shameful parts of her mind to help her lead herself from her own despair. Those same paws rose to wipe tears from her cheeks, tender kisses pressed with gentle firmness against her brow. Once more, those words fell between them: it's alright, you're ok.
As she crawled from the darkest parts of her mind, exhausted and aching, Mo leaned against Kopa and watched as the rain broke over the desert.